Raphael

28/07/2021 (Week 27) If I think about becoming better friends with my child-self... he would express his curiosity my child-self would show himself more he would express his needs he would be more comfortable with me he would ask for help I'll give him help I'll do the best that I can to understand him If I think about becoming better friends with my teenage-self... I would let him do things by himself he would show up he would feel more comfortable with me he would show how mean he is he would cry in my arms he would show how much he is hurt he would communicate with me I would help him As my younger selves become more comfortable with me... they are showing up more they are trusting me more I start to feel them I start to understand them I am deepening my relationship with them we are starting to heal together As I create a safe space for my child-self... he feels more secure he feels protected he feels that he can trust me he may be see this safe space as a prison I realize that this safe space is may be too much I understand that he wants more freedom I understand that this safe space is overprotective I understand that my child-self wants to get out of this safe space I understand that I'm protecting my child-self too much and that this is hurting him As I create a safe space for my teenage-self... he feels controlled he doesn't like to feel controlled he wants to go out he wants to express all his dirtiness he doesn't like me he doesn't trust me he wants to do things by himself I understand that I need to stop controlling my teenage-self I understand that my teenage-self is wise enough to do things by himself I understand that the best thing that I can do to my teenage-self is to let him be free My younger selves don't want safety. They don't like safety, they feel overprotected, they feel over-controlled, they feels like they are in prison. What they want is complete freedom.

28 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:33 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:06 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 45 minutes of meditation in the morning ❌ No social media until 7 PM ❌ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 11:24 AM - 11:37 AM Filled my hours on Upwork, responded to a freelancer, called the Revenue Authority. Duration: 13 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 Deep Work Sessions: 11:39 AM - 12:42 PM I did some improvements on a small web app. Duration: 1 hour 3 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 01:56 PM - 03:16 PM Things are messy. My mind was quite agitated and my focus difficult. Duration: 1 hour 20 minutes Focus: 3/5 Progress: 2/5 03:29 PM - 03:42 PM I'm going to have a break because my mind is too crazy. Duration: 23 minutes Focus: 3/5 Progress: 2/5 04:44 PM - 06:04 PM I continued the work on the app. I made some good progress. Duration: 1 hour 20 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 08:07 PM - 09:13 PM Updated this app again. Filled my hours on Upwork. Did a bit of accounting. Duration: 1 hour 6 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Though night, tough day. Total Work Duration: 5 hours 25 minutes, including 5 hours 12 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.33 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.08 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Meta Relationships I see no other way to have healthy relationships than by going meta. By going meta I mean recognizing that a relationship is an organism by itself composed of two holons and that some rules need to exists to keep the relationship alive and healthy. Here are some basic rules that I thought about: Both partners needs to be psychologically healthy. Both partners needs to be able to sustain themselves independently. Both partners needs to have compatible personality types. Both partners needs to have similar values and a few similar interests. Both partners needs massive education on relationships, sexuality, masculine/feminine dynamics. If an issue arise, being educated about relationships dynamics can solve it. Individual preferences need to be seriously taken into consideration even if it goes against typical masculine/feminine dynamics. No manipulations, no pressure, no gaslighting, no screaming at each other, no fights, no egoic debates, or similar things. If any of this happens, the relationship needs to be broken. Space for mistakes and imperfections. I thought about this multiple times, and really this is unrealistic to expect a 100% perfect relationship where both partners will be happy all the time. That's life after all. In almost all cases, a bit of drama will happen, however, this drama has to be as small as possible. If something is not working, both partners needs to be aware and flexible enough to change. When an issue arise, both partners needs to be able to communicate openly and honestly. Both partners needs to be genuinely interested in the other person and try to see things from the other person perspective as much as possible. Both partners need to accept that the other person has relationships and sexual needs, and therefore have a responsibility to fulfill these needs. It doesn't mean that someone has to be the slave of the other person's needs, it needs to be healthily balanced in a way that fulfills both individuals. Both partners needs to let go when being too much meta. This is exhausting sometimes and this is a trap that prevents to be in the flow.

27/07/2021 (Week 27) If I think about becoming better friends with my child-self... I'll let my child-self express himself my child-self would feel closer to me my child-self would feel more comfortable with me my relationship with my child-self would improve my child-self would talk to me my child-self would like me more my child-self would show more playfulness If I think about becoming better friends with my teenage-self... my teenage-self would finally feel understood my teenage-self won't be ashamed to express his emotions my teenage-self would communicate with me more I'll give my hand to my teenage-self I'll stop shaming my teenage-self I'll embrace my teenage-self As my younger selves become more comfortable with me... they trust me more they communicate with me more they express their emotions more I can help them more I'm becoming more authentic they are becoming more authentic I feel more whole I feel more integrated As I create a safe space for my child-self... my child-self feel safer my child-self feel better nurtured my child-self can express himself safely and freely I'm growing I'm deepening my relationship with my child-self my child-self is showing himself more my child-self feels trusted As I create a safe space for my teenage-self... my teenage-self feels safer my teenage-self feels that he can open up my teenage-self feel more understood my teenage-self trust me more my teenage-self feels relieved I'm deepening my relationship with my teenage-self I'm becoming stronger and more integrated

27 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:28 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:12 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 45 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 10:10 AM - 10:41 AM Responded to a few persons, filled my hours on Upwork. Duration: 31 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 11:04 AM - 11:45 AM I finally had the balls to cut this client. He abused me several times in the past and I don't want to do business with him anymore. Duration: 41 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 5/5 Deep Work Sessions: 11:53 AM - 12:46 PM Worked on error messages on a small web app. Duration: 53 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 01:59 PM - 02:50 PM I continued the work on the error messages. Duration: 51 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 04:32 PM - 06:02 PM I continued the work on the error messages. I had a lot of random thoughts unrelated to the work. Duration: 1 hour 30 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 08:10 PM - 09:47 PM I continued the work on the error messages. Duration: 1 hour 37 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 Mindfullness meditation is so important to improve awareness of thoughts and mental clarity. I think I underrated the importance of this practice. Total Work Duration: 6 hours 3 minutes, including 4 hours 51 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.66 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

An addiction is a pattern in the brain.

Deep Emotional Healing Is So Rare — Yet So Important

26/07/2021 (Week 27) If I think about becoming better friends with my child-self... my child-self would express himself more my child-self would communicate more with me my child-self would let me know his needs my child-self would show himself my child-self would be better integrated my child-self would get more love I would get more love from my child-self If I think about becoming better friends with my teenage-self... my teenage-self would be less angry my teenage-self would finally be happy because he would be understand my teenage-self would be more motivated my teenage-self would show himself in healthy ways I won't shame my teenage-self my teenage-self would be less ashamed my teenage-self would feel less guilty my teenage-self would appreciate me more my teenage-self would feel safer with me As my younger selves become more comfortable with me... I become more comfortable with them I understand my younger selves better my younger selves understand me better I'm deepening my connection with my younger selves they feel more at peace they feel that they can trust me I start to trust my younger selves I start to appreciate my younger selves I'm becoming more integrated I'm becoming more authentic As I create a safe space for my child-self... my child-self feels safe my child-self have better peace of mind my child-self feels nurtured my child-self is able to more express himself my child-self is able to more authentically express himself my child-self loves me more my child-self trust me more As I create a safe space for my teenage-self... my teenage-self feels safe my teenage-self express himself more authentically my teenage-self is letting go of all its difficult and intense emotional baggage my teenage-self is starting to express himself in healthy ways my teenage-self loves me more my teenage-self feels relieved my teenage-self trust me more I feel trustworthy

26 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:10 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:38 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 45 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 10:01 AM - 10:40 AM Filled my work hours on Upwork, did a bit of accountability. Duration: 39 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 10:52 AM - 11:27 AM Did some accountability. Duration: 35 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 01:48 PM - 02:09 PM Did a bit of accounting, then got interrupted. Duration: 21 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 02:26 PM - 02:39 PM I did a bit more of accounting and sent a mail to the Revenue Authority. Duration: 13 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 04:00 PM - 04:05 PM Got a call from the revenue authority. The lady helped me for the payment. Duration: 5 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 Deep Work Sessions: 11:34 AM - 12:43 PM Worked on a small web app. Duration: 1 hour 9 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 04:28 PM - 06:12 PM I continued the work on the web app. I'm getting some bugs. Duration: 1 hour 44 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 07:38 PM - 08:55 PM Uploaded some files and started to deal with error messages on this app. Duration: 1 hour 17 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 Total Work Duration: 6 hours 3 minutes, including 4 hours 10 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.25 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Very very high-quality videos. I maybe judged Leo a bit too quickly. Many times there's a big difference between his videos and his interactions on the forum, maybe there's a big difference in his personal life too? After all, what do I really know about Leo except these videos and his posts? Not that much.

The Advantage of Not Being Social The main advantage that I experienced from not spending that much time with people in my life is that I got very little conditioned by society. This is the most important thing that I recently realized. Because of that my thoughts can be very original and surprise many people, I have a natural wisdom and I don't have to do that much spiritual work for that. I always intuitively sensed that something was "wrong" in social groups, I always felt that people living too much in groups where experiencing fear based on social conditioning. Since a very young age my attitude towards life has been to not take any strong positions, but to just observe people. It doesn't mean that I did things perfectly, but that was and still is my main attitude. As a kid, I knew that I didn't know anything and therefore told myself: "I don't know anything in life, so I'm not going to take or judge any position but just observe carefully all perspectives around me and then gradually integrate them". I always felt like I was born a sage. P-S: Don't get me wrong, there's definitely a trap in being too much isolated and I fell into it. Social interactions are important in life for healthy functioning in a society.

The shaman always lives outside the village... and I live outside the main forums... and on a small remote tropical island outside of the main world... and on this island I live outside society. Yep, my situation is pretty weird.

25/07/2021 (Week 26) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... express all my emotions share my excitement let myself being playful accept my sexual needs open about my sexuality observe myself carefully accept being emotional

Weekly Statistics (19 July 2021 - 25 July 2021) Total Working Time 27 hours 36 minutes Average Focus 3.48 / 5 Average Progress / Session 3.47 / 5

25 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:16 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:27 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 45 minutes of meditation in the morning ~ No social media until 7 PM (Doesn't apply on Sunday) ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: No work for today Didn't sleep again, my mind was too agitated. Total Work Duration: 0 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

This list can be refined a lot. I will definitely refine it in the future.

The Structure Behind Ideological Debates: Application to Left / Right Wing Politics in the US They are deep similarities between the two sides. The Left and the Right are the same, they are society. They are two sides of the same coin and cannot exist without each other. The Left cannot exists without the Right, the Right cannot exists without the Left. Both sides ultimately want the same thing. They both want love. This love in politics is about having a great country, both Left and Right wants a great country. Both sides disagree about how things should be done. The Right thinks that the country is going to be great with more freedom, less regulations, more protection and security from outside threats. The Left thinks that the country is going to be great with more regulations, more respect for human rights and the environment, and by integrating outsiders and integrating marginalized groups. Both sides don't understand some deep truth about the other side. The Right doesn't understand that regulations are necessary because too much freedom is backfiring on the global system as it allows abuses. The Left doesn't understand that the concerns of the Right about outsides threats are legitimate because most other countries are less advanced than the US. If China for example become the main superpower, this could have some serious damaging consequences of the global economy because China is spirally speaking less developed. Both sides don’t understand some deep similarities about the other side. They don't both understand that they all want a great country which offer great and fair opportunities for everyone. However, the notion of "fair" is different between the Left and Right. For the Left, "fair" is equals opportunities with the appropriate help for everyone. For the Right, "fair" is working as hard as possible to strive in life no matter the conditions someone is in. Both sides don’t understand some deep differences about the other side. It's the same thing as the responses for Both sides don't understand some deep truth about the other side but it's still possible to add more elements. The two sides aren't necessarily equals. One side can be more advanced than the other, however, if one side is more advanced, it will not be advanced enough to understand that it is more advanced and to step out of the debate. The Left is overall more advanced, but is stuck with debating with the Right, and even when it wants to get outside debates it gets dragged down into it by the Right. The inability to have the other side's experience is what get people stuck in debating. People have different life experiences which cause them to be either more for the Right or for the Left. They have difficulties understanding the experience of the other side even if the Left have a better compassionate ability. An ideological debate always results in both sides feeling dirty and unsatisfied. It's similar to an addiction. This is self-explanatory. The amount of items that can be added to this list are enormous. I don't have the time for that, but you can have fun and do it too.

The Structure Behind Ideological Debates: Application to Gender Issues They are deep similarities between the two sides. Men and women are basically the same. They are two sides of the same coin. They are part of the same specie with just a few physical and psychological differences. Both sides ultimately want the same thing. They both want love. Both sides disagree about how things should be done. Men thinks first about sex to get love. Women thinks first about romance and relationship to get love. Both sides don't understand some deep truth about the other side. Men don't understand the need for romance, relationship, security, and genuine connection that women wants. Women don't understand the high sexual needs of men and how much important sex is for men compared to relationships. Both sides don’t understand some deep similarities about the other side. Men and women aren't understanding that they are both seeking love, but in different manner. Both sides don’t understand some deep differences about the other side. It's the same thing as the responses for Both sides don't understand some deep truth about the other side. The two sides aren't necessarily equals. One side can be more advanced than the other, however, if one side is more advanced, it will not be advanced enough to understand that it is more advanced and to step out of the debate. Some female perspective that I saw on the forum are definitely more advanced, yet not advanced enough to step out of the debate. The inability to have the other side's experience is what get people stuck in debating. A man is a man and therefore cannot experience what it's like to be a woman. Because of that a man want women to think like him. A woman is a woman and therefore cannot experience what it's like to be a man. Because of that a woman want men to think like her. An ideological debate always results in both sides feeling dirty and unsatisfied. It's similar to an addiction. This is self-explanatory. Debates on gender dynamics are even more difficult than normal debates because the biases aren't only cultural, but biological.

Thanks. Awesome quote.

24/07/2021 (Week 26) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... express myself express the repressed parts of myself get in touch with my emotions accept my sexuality let myself exists authentically build a deep meaningful relationship with myself

24 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 09:11 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:59 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 45 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: No work for today My mind was way too agitated. I couldn't sleep that much and therefore woke up late. Total Work Duration: 0 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

How about my own understanding? Am I able to fully connect the content to the structure and see the big picture? No, because I never dated anyone and therefore lack enormous experience and education in this area. I'm just observing and theorizing for the moment and can be wrong at any moment. However, what is my general feeling concerning debates here? My feeling is that Leo’s and other males perspective is behind on many points compared to some advanced female members. How? By applying Leo’s teachings on himself. He talks about qualities of interpretation in his video “How Your Mind Interprets Reality” and masculine perspectives that I see are many times much more judgmental than feminine perspectives. I sense that Leo absorbed some toxicity during his PUA years and has difficulties overcoming them. In fact, he already recognized that some of his views were shallow. Leo, Things I've Been Wrong About

The Structure Behind Ideological Debates Recent debates in the Dating sub-forum made me want to contemplate the structure behind ideological debates. There's always a structure behind these debates whether they are about politics, gender issues, etc. Here are a few points that I noted: They are deep similarities between the two sides. Both sides ultimately want the same thing. Both sides disagree about how things should be done. Both sides don't understand some deep truth about the other side. Both sides don’t understand some deep similarities about the other side. Both sides don’t understand some deep differences about the other side. The two sides aren't necessarily equals. One side can be more advanced than the other, however, if one side is more advanced, it will not be advanced enough to understand that it is more advanced and to step out of the debate. The inability to have the other side's experience is what get people stuck in debating. An ideological debate always results in both sides feeling dirty and unsatisfied. It's similar to an addiction. Why Debates don't Work Even advanced people: Leo, Emerald, etc. have difficulties finding a common ground when it comes to masculine/feminine dynamics. It's interesting to observe.

About Genders Perceptual Discrepancies: The Penis and Vagina as an Analogy for Psychological Differences While thinking about differences between men and women recently I came out with the idea of using the penis and vagina as an analogy for psychological differences. It is impossible for a man to understand what it's like to have a vagina, to be horny as a female, and to be penetrated. For example, if I ask a man to penetrate me to see how things are from the female perspective, it will still not match the female experience because I’m not a female. Same thing for a woman. It is impossible for a woman to understand what it’s like to have a penis, to get hard several times per day, and to want to fuck like an animal. If a woman penetrates another woman with a strapon to see how things are from the male perspective, it will still not match the male experience because a woman is not a man. It’s impossible to understand the sexual experience of the other sex without being the opposite sex. We can use our imagination to some extent, but it will always be incomplete and something will be missing. It’s similar with psychological differences. Whether an individual is a man or woman, he/she will not be able to fully understand some elements of the opposite sex. This is simply because this individual isn’t the opposite sex, because psychology is interconnected with biology, and because men and women have different biological structures. The two genders are naturally emotionally calibrated a bit differently: there’s a self vs other psychological orientation. Men are naturally more calibrated towards self (survival) and women towards others (nurturing) which is the reason why in ideological gender debates men argues that relationships are selfish where women argues that relationships can be genuine. Men thinks that women aren’t realizing the truth that relationships are entirely selfish because this is true from the masculine perspective. Women thinks that men aren’t realizing the truth that relationships can be genuine and spiritual because this is true from the feminine perspective. However, very few individuals are able to step back and acknowledge that because: 1. they are naturally emotionally calibrated differently. 2. they are attached to their gender. 3. they aren't aware enough The only solution that I find out regarding these psychological discrepancies is simply to respect and listen to the opposite gender (it applies to both men and women). To step back and say: “Ok. There’s something that I cannot fully understand and will never be able to fully understand about you because I’m not you, so I’m going to listen to you.”. This is not about one gender being the slave of the other gender, but about being open when we already trust someone. It’s really important to accept differences that we cannot understand even if it is weird from a limited male or female perspective. There will always be a part of mystery in the opposite sex and no amount of imagination is going to fully represent the experience of the other.

Your journal is beautiful.