Raphael

This organization doesn't fucking work.

I applied scores from 1 to 10 to each items here. I maybe deluded myself sometimes, I'm not sure. Here are what these scores means: 3-4: Below average 5-6: Average 7: Quite good 8: Good 9: Very good 10: Perfect These scores doesn't apply to superhuman saints. They are about below-average people to healthy stage Yellow self-actualized individuals. ------------ The high-conscious partner can sustain itself independently. Score: 7/10 I'll say that I do a bit better than average here and in the context of the country that I live in. I can sustain myself and make money without having to work that much. I also have more freedom because I'm not an employee. However, they are still limitations because the amount of money that I make is actually below what I need to sustain myself in a developed nation and things can be uncertain sometimes as clients can appear and disappear randomly. I'm still working on improving my situation here. The high-conscious partner is happy by itself and have a positive, proactive attitude towards life. Score: 6/10 I currently feel good as I'm writing this and my happiness has actually been improving since the last month even though I backslided a lot. However, I don't know how much time it's going to last. Things are paradoxical here: sometimes I can feel a lot of happiness and I find myself laughing without reason, but I do feel sadness and anxiety many times. I wonder if I don't have an anxiety disorder. If I reflect on the past six months, I'll say that my happiness have been at 6/10 overall. The high-conscious partner takes responsibility for its life, is a life-long learner, and constantly self-improve. Score: 7/10 Yes, I take responsibility, I self-improve and I learn every day. However, I can sometimes easily get discouraged in the face of challenges and also get lazy. The high-conscious partner has a healthy integration of all Tier 1 stages. Score: 6/10 I'm average here and I see a lot of room for progress notably at stage Red and Purple. I do lack self-esteem, I do lack confidence, I do lack assertiveness, I do lack people skills, I do have some social anxiety, and other things to work on. The high-conscious partner is as authentic as possible. Score: 7/10 This really depends on the environment that I'm in and on the people that I'm dealing with. Let's say that I'm with a conscious person, then it's much easier to be authentic. The high-conscious partner has high awareness. Score: 8/10 My awareness is really high. Often time I'm able to see issues within me and self-analyze while still being aware of the lack of embodiment. The high-conscious partner can admit biases and mistakes and correct them. Score: 8/10 This can be tough many times, but it'll say that I do much better than average here. The high-conscious partner can take constructive feedbacks. Score: 8/10 The high-conscious partner can give constructive feedbacks. Score: 8/10 The high-conscious partner is a good listener. Score: 7/10 I can often time be lost in my head and being unable to hear people talking. However, when someone really interest me I can be a very good listener. The high-conscious partner is genuine. Score: 4/10 I noticed that I'm very rarely genuinely interested in people. Someone really needs to have something special for me to be genuinely interested, most of the time people bored me. Many times, when I'm interested it's for analyzing them and understand how they work and this sounds evil lol. Also, the notion of being genuine and doing things for others always sounded fake to me because ultimately the difference between self/other doesn't exist. When someone says that he/she genuinely cares about others, I understand what this person means because genuineness is an emotion and I also felt in my life. I don't think that when someone says that he/she is genuine this person is egocentric and uses the term genuineness to mask a manipulative ego, but I feel that most people lack awareness regarding what genuineness really is. If someone doesn't exist, someone cannot be genuine so it's not possible to be genuine without it being about the self. Even when we do a selfless action such as giving money to a homeless person: this action is genuine, but at the same time it is about the self because we want to feel a certain way from our genuineness, we want to feel good to help other. Most of the time people have genuine needs, they have a need for genuineness. It doesn't mean that this low conscious and egoistical, it can be very high-conscious, yet this is still about the self (and others at the same time) because ultimately the boundary between self/others doesn't exist. I could write an entire post about this. The high-conscious is empathetic. Score: 7/10 I do have an above-average empathy, but it can still be improved. The high-conscious partner is respectful of everyone and respects people's boundaries. Score: 7/10 Some people really pissed me off in the past, but overall I'll say that I'm respectful of people even when some behaviors can make me cringe. The high-conscious partner communicates openly, honestly, and has a deep humility. Score: 7/10 This one really depends on the environment that I'm in. If I'm in a conscious environment, this is much easier. The high-conscious partner has high emotional mastery and can deal with its emotions in a healthy way. Score: 7/10 It almost never happens that I throw my emotions at others, I do my best to be as respectful as possible here. When I'm dealing with difficult emotions, I just recluse and let them out by screaming, crying, jumping, moving, etc. I often do feel some bitterness and impurities in me, but nobody sees it. The high-conscious partner can show its vulnerabilities and issues, share them, and discuss about them. Score: 7/10 Depends on the environment, it's easier in a conscious environment. Also, I noticed some past traumas related to girls in my life that are causing me difficulties to be authentic and share vulnerabilities with girls. The high-conscious partner has high integrity and do everything to maintain its integrity as high as possible. Score: 7/10 Better than average, however, I still lie and still delude myself. There's also a weird thing that I noticed that comes from the fact that I can't relate with most people and because of that I feel like I'm always lying to everyone. The high-conscious partner is flexible and can change quickly depending on the situation. Score: 7/10 Some progress can be made here. The high-conscious partner has a healthy relationship with its body. He/She cares about its body, eat healthily and exercise without being obsessed by it. Score: 8/10 Can be improved by taking more care of my skin, my sleep, and my posture by optimizing my work environment. Overall, it's healthy. The high-conscious partner is comfortable and open with its sexuality. I'm striking this one because of my lack of experience. This is currently completely uncomfortable for me because I never explored this with a girl. The high-conscious partner doesn't have any strong addiction that prevents him/her to function properly in life. Score: 8/10 I almost put a 10 here, however, the reality is that I'm addicted to thinking, information, and reading the actualized.org forum. It can make me lose a lot of time sometimes. The high-conscious partner doesn't have any strong biases against any group of people based on origin, ethnicity, gender, gender orientation, or similar things. Score: 7/10 I still have residues and shadows in this area. Other Things: I still lack a lot of education on relationships and masculine/feminine dynamics. Because of that, I feel like some of my ideas might be screwed. I can see limiting beliefs, shadows, and traumas related to dating, relationships, and women within myself. This needs to be cleared out. I feel a lack of embodiment in my life. I feel a lot of impurities and dirtiness within me. That's probably caused by the fucked up environments that I got myself in from end 2017 to end 2019. Ok. So... when I started thinking about these things maybe a few months ago I thought I was ready for a relationship, however, I can see now that a lot of things still need to be improved. I need to continue educating myself and work on my shadows in this area.

06/08/2021 (Week 28) Mother gave me a view of myself as... a good boy a kid a good looking guy an intelligent person a strange person a head in the cloud person an innocent person a kind person a good person Father gave me a view of myself as... a dumb person an anxious person a shy person an incompetent person an abnormal person a dependent person Mother speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I am good enough that I can do it that I am smart that I am good some reassuring stuff that I am exceptional Father speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I cannot do it that I am stupid that I shouldn't be how I am that I need to push harder that I need to make more efforts that what I do is never enough that I need to change that I'm not enough that I'm an idiot that I can't change that I'm incompetent that I cannot succeed that I should not listen to people

Sometimes I Would Like To Be Dumb I just have too many things in my mind, this is insane. Sometimes I would like to be dumb. Sometimes I envy these people who can just do their simple job without thinking that much about it, without complexifying things, without interconnecting everything and seeing the big picture. I'm just thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking... all the fucking time. As soon as I wake up I start to think, when I go to bed I have trouble sleeping because I'm just thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking... When I cook, I think. When I talk with people, I think. When I take my shower, I think. When I work, I think. When I exercise, I think. When I walk, I think. Sometimes, I cannot even hear people talking because I think. Sometimes, my thoughts interrupt me when I'm doing something and I get into an involuntary pause. I have thousands of things that I want to write about, thousands of things that I want to share about, yet this is so complicated because of how overactive my mind is. Thoughts triggers thoughts which trigger other thoughts which trigger other thoughts... My mind want to see the big picture despite me, even when this is inappropriate to the situation, even when this is counter-productive, even when it hurts my survival. Sometimes I want to vomit my thoughts out. Calm down mind, calm down. It's gonna be ok...

I need to detox.

I have been backsliding pretty hard since the last month. My schedule is fucked up, my sleep is terrible, I'm irregular and disorganized, I'm mind is too agitated, I have difficulties getting things done. I think that I need at least 2 - 3 empty days just to self-reflect, empty my mind, and calm down a bit.

Balance is the key.

Things That Annoys Me About Femininity Here are some elements that we usually associate with femininity and that annoys me if they show up too much: Damsel in distress syndrome. Inappropriate use of the compassionate approach. Too much talking. Too much complaining. Too much implicit communication. This one can really annoy me sometimes. I understand subtleties and implicit communication, however, if this happens too much and/or in an inappropriate context I just want to shout at the person to fucking say things directly. We cannot understand implicit communication all the time. Too much consideration of the opinions of others / people pleasing. Too much neediness for relationships. Not doing things because they are hard to do. Choosing what feels good instead of what works.

Things That Annoy Me About Masculinity Here are some elements that we usually associate with masculinity and that annoys me if they show too much: Over-assertiveness that is inappropriate to the situation. Over-confidence that is inappropriate to the situation. Over-controlling behaviors. Inappropriate use of the tough approach. Leadership through fear. Men competing for anything like dumbasses. Hiding of vulnerabilities. Not sharing emotions. Lack of consideration of others.

Maybe it's more of a collective issue in the area where you live in this case. Looks like something needs to be done to raise awareness within dogs owners so that they get sensitized to the difficulties that some people have with dogs. As a personal experience, I used to keep two of my dogs unleashed when they were small because I didn't thought they would hurt anybody and because I was sad of seeing them leashed all the time. However, they grew up and started to run after people. I understood that I needed to keep them leashed when a man finally complained to me (and also when someone beat one of my bigger dog and gave me some death threats). They are always leashed now. If talking to the owner doesn't work, then it's more likely to be a collective ego issue. Also, I had moments where I was tempted to tease some people with the dogs when I saw that they were afraid just to see their reactions. I know, I know, I'm evil, I'm sorry, however, I never did it seriously. Why are you afraid of dogs btw?

05 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:40 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 12:04 AM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 45 minutes of meditation in the morning ❌ No social media until 7 PM ❌ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 07:51 PM - 08:37 PM I had a Zoom call with the accountant. He's a really nice guy, looks like we have a bromance. Duration: 46 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Deep Work Sessions: 11:48 AM - 12:51 AM Did some work on a small web app. Duration: 1 hour 3 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 02:02 PM - 02:38 PM Did more work on this web app. Duration: 36 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 2/5 08:44 PM - 22:30 PM Worked on this app again. Duration: 1 hour 16 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Total Work Duration: 3 hours 41 minutes, including 2 hours 55 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.12 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

05/08/2021 (Week 28) Mother gave me a view of myself as... a smart person a head in the cloud person a good looking person a good person a helpful person a baby Father gave me a view of myself as... an incompetent a weak person a dumb person a dependent person a useless person a lazy person an abnormal a fragile person Mother speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I am smart that I need others that I am good looking that I can help that I am helpful that I'm lost in my head Father speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I am weak that I am incompetent that I am dumb that I'm fragile that I'm incapable that I'm lazy that I'm shy that I need to push myself harder a lot of insults that I'll never achieve anything in life that I'll never succeed in life

04/08/2021 (Week 28) Mother gave me a view of myself as... a good person a smart person a beautiful person a baby a helpful person a useful person Father gave me a view of myself as... a dumb person a weak person an incompetent person a dependent person a baby an abnormal person a failure Mother speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I'm very intelligent that I need to help others that I should not push myself too much that I should not push myself too much outside my comfort zone that I am good that I look good Father speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I can't succeed that I won't succeed some insults that I am not good enough that I am weak that I am a failure that I should push myself that I should push myself outside my comfort zone that I am shy that I should not be shy that I don't care about others that I only care about myself that I am the most important thing in my life

04 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:18 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:39 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 45 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 11:01 AM - 12:33 PM Damn! This interface looks so incredibly good! I'm very satisfied with my work. I was a bit distracted by a client's messages during this session, but I did some great work overall. Duration: 1 hour 32 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 02:00 PM - 02:52 PM I continued the work on the interface, but I got a bit tired at the end. Duration: 52 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 04:43 PM - 05:50 PM I'm having some difficulties dealing with some popovers. Duration: 1 hour 7 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 09:23 PM - 11:00 PM I continued the progress on the popovers. I distracted myself from time to time. Duration: 1 hour 37 minutes Focus: 3/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Sleep was difficult again. I was agitated, I had an insane amount of thoughts. Total Work Duration: 5 hours 8 minutes, including 5 hours 8 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.37 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.37 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Looks like I'm on the complete opposite side lol. I have four dogs and I take all of them for a walk every day. Where I live people are very afraid of dogs, even when they have leashed some people freak out. I had people throwing rocks at my dogs and taking sticks, it really annoyed me sometimes. I was walking today when I saw a man freaking out even though he was pretty far away. He took a stick and went hiding behind a wall, I found that ridiculous. I can understand your difficulties if you had traumas related to dogs. What I noticed is that people who are afraid of dogs attract dogs and have much more chances of getting bitten again. Personally, I had many times unleashed dogs coming close to me and barking at me, in response, I would just calmly continue walking and nothing would happen. In worst cases, a strong foot kick on the ground would make them run away. Concerning asserting yourself, you can just say a strong "NO!" when someone's dog comes too close to you. A woman did that when one of my dogs jumped close to her and I think that is an appropriate response if you are afraid. Finally, I think that if you know someone who has a dog it could be a great idea to spend time with this person and the dog to help sort your traumas. Dogs aren't bad, yet they can get afraid (just like you) and hurt.

I think that many people have high standards in relationships, however very few fit them. Also, how about me? How much do I fit? After all, I can just theorize forever while not fitting these standards in reality.

The High Conscious Partner Here are what I consider to be the characteristics of a healthy partner. These characteristics can be used as a self-assessment checklist. They apply to both genders. A high-quality person will resonate with that and if the person is not there yet, he/she will do everything to get there. The high-conscious partner can sustain itself independently. The high-conscious partner is happy by itself and has a positive, proactive attitude towards life. The high-conscious partner takes responsibility for his/her life, is a life-long learner, and constantly self-improves. The high-conscious partner has a healthy integration of all Tier 1 stages. The high-conscious partner is as authentic as possible. The high-conscious partner has high awareness. The high-conscious partner can admit biases and mistakes and correct them. The high-conscious partner can take constructive feedback. The high-conscious partner can give constructive feedback. The high-conscious partner is a good listener. The high-conscious partner is genuine. The high-conscious is empathetic. The high-conscious partner is respectful of everyone and respects people's boundaries. The high-conscious partner communicates openly, honestly, and has a deep humility. The high-conscious partner has high emotional mastery and can deal with its emotions in a healthy way. The high-conscious partner can show its vulnerabilities and issues, share them, and discuss them. The high-conscious partner has high-integrity and do everything to maintain its integrity as high as possible. The high-conscious partner is flexible and can change quickly depending on the situation. The high-conscious partner has a healthy relationship with its body. He/She cares about its body, eat healthily and exercise without being obsessed by it. The high-conscious partner is comfortable and open with its sexuality. The high-conscious partner doesn't have any strong addiction that prevents him/her to function properly in life. The high-conscious partner doesn't have any strong biases against any group of people based on origin, ethnicity, gender, gender orientation, or similar things.

Life is about constructing yourself while deconstructing yourself.

03/08/2021 (Week 28) Mother gave me a view of myself as... a good person a smart person a beautiful person head in the cloud person a baby a anot normal person Father gave me a view of myself as... a dumb person an incompetent person weak person shy person a baby a not normal person Mother speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I can do good that I'm very intelligent that I'm a dreamer that I'm not normal that I need to care about others that I'm great Father speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I am dumb that I am incompetent that I am socially awkward that I can't succeed in life that I'm not enough that I'm terrible that I cannot communicate with people that I cannot be myself that I am a failure

03 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:06 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:45 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 45 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ❌ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 10:54 AM - 11:23 AM Checked a few documents, responded to a freelancer. Duration: 29 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Deep Work Sessions: 11:23 AM - 12:32 PM I did some improvements on a web app. I distracted myself a bit. Duration: 1 hour 9 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 01:55 PM - 02:55 PM I continued the previous improvements. Duration: 1 hour Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 04:31 PM - 06:15 PM I completed an update on the client's app and continued the work on my personal project. Duration: 1 hour 44 minutes Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 4/5 08:54 PM - 10:45 PM I worked on the calendar interface. I'm really satisfied with the result. I was a bit distracted because I was speaking with my sister at the same time, but did a lot of progress anyway. Duration: 1 hour 51 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 Had a difficult night of sleep, but I worked well anyway. I noticed that when I meet some new people they can instantly motivate me to push forward. The best thing would be to have more intrinsic motivation, but that's better than anything. Total Work Duration: 6 hours 13 minutes, including 5 hours 44 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.55 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.7 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Thanks.

02/08/2021 (Week 28) Mother gave me a view of myself as... a good boy a very intelligent person a strange person a head in the clouds person a beautiful person a handsome person a dependent person Father gave me a view of myself as... a dumb person a weak person a shy person a incompetent person a weird person a not normal person Mother speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I'm very intelligent that I can do good that I forget things, therefore, cannot do stuff that I'm very incompetent and dependent on others that I look good that I'm strange Father speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I am weak that I am shy that I'm going to fail that I'm going to be incompetent forever that I'm not social that I'm an idiot that I lack confidence and self-esteem

02 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:06 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:56 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 45 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 09:55 AM - 10:48 AM I worked on some crons related to Facebook management. I had a lot of unrelated thoughts. Duration: 53 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 11:03 AM - 12:15 AM I continued the work on the crons, did a pull request, and merged it. Duration: 1 hour 12 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 01:38 PM - 02:42 PM I created an API to get scheduled Facebook posts for a specific month. I also begun working on an API to delete specific scheduled posts. Duration: 1 hour 4 minutes Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 4/5 04:17 PM - 06:12 PM Completed some APIs and started to work back on the interface. I did a lot of progress. Duration: 1 hour 55 minutes Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 5/5 07:58 PM - 09:35 PM I did some good progress on the calendar interface. Duration: 1 hour 37 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 Really good day. Total Work Duration: 6 hours 41 minutes, including hours minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.6 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 4 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

01/08/2021 (Week 27) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... rebuild the connection with my child-self rebuild the connection with my teenage-self listen to my younger selves give the love that my younger selves needs create a safe space for my younger selves without over-protecting them which gives them the freedom to express themselves trust my younger selves love my younger selves

Weekly Statistics (25 July 2021 - 01 August 2021) Total Working Time 23 hours 26 minutes Average Focus 3.27 / 5 Average Progress / Session 3.32 / 5