Raphael

https://www.lesswrong.com/

21/08/2021 (Week 30) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... take responsibility for my life without being neurotic about it enjoy the beauty of life let go of my fear of survival let myself being authentic find my own place to live using my brain effectively have a proactive positive attitude towards life change my behaviors for the better

21 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:02 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:02 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed Deep Work Sessions: 09:35 AM - 10:34 AM I feel really tired, sleep was difficult again. Also, there were a lot of annoying noises around me. Duration: 59 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 11:25 AM - 12:36 PM I'm currently dealing with a strange bug. Duration: 1 hour 11 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 01:35 PM - 02:41 PM I continued trying to fix this bug. Duration: 1 hour 6 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 04:14 PM - 07:58 PM Fixed the bug. Continued the work on data storage throughout the app. Duration: 1 hour 44 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 06:55 PM - 08:05 PM I'm almost done with the data handling. I still have some corrections to do on the publisher interface. Duration: 1 hour 10 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Total Work Duration: 6 hours 10 minutes, including 6 hours 10 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5)

20/08/2021 (Week 30) At the thought of being free of Mother, psychologically... I feel responsible I feel like a man I feel independent I feel free I feel more like myself I feel more authentic At the thought of being free of Father, psychologically... I feel more proactive I feel more positive I feel more authentic I feel happier I feel more confident I feel that I have more self-esteem At the thought of belonging fully to myself... I feel more authentic I feel more joyful I understand that I need to do what serves me I can operate to my fullest I know that I have the power to change I know that I all have the qualities to succeed If my life really does belong to me... then I can make independent decisions then I have the power to do whatever I want to do then I can change then I can be happy then I can be social then I can find a girlfriend then I'm in control of my life then I am responsible of my life If I really am capable of independent survival... I can let go of my fear of survival I can quit my parent's house I can be more proactive in life I can enjoy life more I can be fulfilled in life I can live

20 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:36 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:00 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed Work Sessions: 07:13 PM - 08:00 PM I did a bit of work on these templates for my client. Duration: 47 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Deep Work Sessions: 09:49 AM - 10:44 AM I'm not sure what I did wrong, but it fucked up many things. Duration: 55 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 11:16 PM - 12:54 PM I did some tweaks on the interface and created a service to handle data between components and saving in localstorage. Duration: 1 hour 38 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 01:55 PM - 02:45 PM I continued the work on data handling. This is working well so far. I was thinking about many unrelated things at the same time. Duration: 50 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 04:32 PM - 06:07 PM I'm currently struggling with an issue. Looks like to be about an inappropriate link between the view and the controller. Duration: 1 hour 35 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Total Work Duration: 5 hours 45 minutes, including 4 hours 58 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5)

Overblown I'm overloading myself with too many things, I'm completely overblown. I want to think and write about many things but this is too much for me, I also need empty time to clear my mind. Things to do outside of my main work: Coaching: Write my vision Trauma work and journaling about traumas Writing some posts in this journal I'm going to prioritize my vision writing, then move to other stuff. I will write a few posts in this journal. These posts are: About Raising Human Development Breaking Boundaries Between Self, Others, Political Parties, People, Government, Race, Genders, and Everything Else in the Universe Racism in the US The Structure Behind Ideological Debates (Refined Version) Emotions = Logic I need to organize some time to journal about my traumas in this journal: And finally, I'm going to let go of this journal. I had a lot of thoughts and interesting things to write, but this is too much, I don't have enough time so I'm letting that go: I want to think less and do fewer things, but put more intensity into what I'm doing.

19/08/2021 (Week 30) At the thought of being free of Mother, psychologically... I feel independent I feel like a man I feel like an adult I feel that I use more my prefrontal cortex I feel more responsible I feel that I need to accept help sometimes I feel that I need to share more my vulnerabilities At the thought of being free of Father, psychologically... I'm letting go of his hate I'm letting go of his anger I feel relaxed I feel that I'm approaching life more mindfully I feel that I'm becoming happier I feel more authentic I feel that I'm growing I feel more positive I feel more proactive At the thought of belonging fully to myself... I feel authentic I feel expressive I feel great I feel happy I feel content I feel whole If my life really does belong to me... then I can make what I want of it then I can change what I want to change I can take responsibility I can take actions I can make decisions I can do whatever I want I can appreciate it to the fullest I can be fulfilled If I really am capable of independent survival... I can let go of fear of survival I can be more proactive about my life I can quit my parent's house I can live on my own I can grow I can function as a adult I can use my brain to solve the complex challenges of life I can be

19 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:06 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:58 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ Breathwork ~ No distractions until 8 PM (Doesn't apply on Thursday) ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed Work Sessions: No work for today I want to get back to where I was a few years ago when I was highly focused and highly organized. I changed the No social media rule to No distractions until 8 PM which means literally nothing until 8 PM except Eating, Working, work-related relationships, and a bit of empty time. Total Work Duration: 0 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5)

18/08/2021 (Week 30) At the thought of being free of Mother, psychologically... I feel more like an adult I feel more like a man I feel more responsible I feel free of using my mind I feel more independent I feel that I can push myself more I feel that I can resolve hard challenges At the thought of being free of Father, psychologically... I feel more positive I feel happier I feel more nurturing of myself I feel more authentic I feel having more confidence I feel having more self-esteem I can grow much faster At the thought of belonging fully to myself... I feel responsible I feel that I can trust myself I feel that I have the abilities to accomplish what I want in life I feel authentic I feel capable of making wise decisions I feel that I have the capacity to make any necessary change I feel that I can have an authentic purpose in life I understand myself much deeper If my life really does belong to me... what I make out of it is my responsibility how I treat myself is my responsibility how I treat others is my responsibility I am responsible for the quality of my life I can get what I want out of this life I can self-improve I can become an amazing human being I can live it fully I can appreciate it fully If I really am capable of independent survival... I can let go of my fear of survival I can find a place for myself I can change and adapt quickly in order to survive effectively I can approach life situations with a proactive positive attitude I can let me have a smile on my face I can live life blissfully

18 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:30 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:40 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ❌ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed Work Sessions: 09:55 AM - 10:35 AM I worked on these templates again. I will continue doing this most of this day too. Duration: 40 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 10:55 AM - 12:06 PM I continued the work on the templates. Duration: 1 hour 11 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 12:14 PM - 12:44 PM I continued the work on the templates. Duration: 30 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 01:50 PM - 02:48 PM I continued the work on the templates. Duration: 58 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 04:25 PM - 05:44 PM I continued the work on the templates. I'm starting to get tired, I also distracted myself a bit by editing some photos. Duration: 1 hour 19 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 I wanted to work at night but was too tired (probably because of bad sleep again) and ended up in a procrastination loop of doing random things on the internet. It's too late for journaling and I'm already exhausted, fuck. The progress metric is non-sense. Progress mostly goes with focus and progress depends on the time that I spend on a task. I prefer to get rid of it, this is too confusing and too difficult to track. Total Work Duration: 4 hours 38 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5)

I always felt a sense of responsibility towards humanity. I always felt like I was born to change the world, like literally, but I'm still not developed enough for that. I'll write about that soon.

Also, I thought I had social anxiety... well I now know that this is BS because I talked with someone that I resonate with recently. When I meet open-minded people I can effortlessly talk to them and have great conversations. My problem is that most people around me are too closed-minded and/or have nothing in common with me. In consequence, it's really difficult to have conversations and I cut out most people in my life. Finally, I got in touch with an old-friend recently and we will be working together in the future... so I will spend a bit more time with people.

I think that I often have a very negative self-image. If someone looks at me, he/she would probably see a perfectly decent human being. I eat healthy, I exercise regularly, I make money, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs. From the outside, I'm like more normal than normal. So normal that it's abnormal. Yet, I always feel that something is deeply wrong about me. I always feel inadequate in this world.

I took a few pictures of my face and it looks good. I choose to kept my mustache and started to grow a beard just to see how it goes. I like my face, it looks good.

17/08/2021 (Week 30) At the thought of being free of Mother, psychologically... I feel more like an adult I feel more responsible I feel more manly I feel more independent I feel happier I feel less like a baby At the thought of being free of Father, psychologically... I feel less like a baby I feel positive I enjoy life more I feel happier I can enjoy life more I feel more accepting of myself I feel more authentic I feel free I feel more like an independent human being At the thought of belonging fully to myself... I feel in control of my life I feel more responsible I feel like an adult I feel that I'm growing up I can do what I want in life I can make the decisions that I want to make without being influenced by others If my life really does belong to me... I have the power to do whatever I want I have the power to make it blissful I have the power to make it satisfying I have the right to express myself I can change the things that I want to change I can live authentically rather than living for others If I really am capable of independent survival... I can get out of my parent's house I can let go of the fear of survival I can seek more happiness I can succeed in life I can appreciate life without fears I can be more in the now

17 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:42 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:27 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed Deep Work Sessions: 10:16 AM - 11:29 AM Worked on some templates. Felt some sadness. I was having thoughts about ADHD while working. Duration: 1 hour 13 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 11:38 AM - 12:38 PM I continued the work on the templates. Duration: 1 hour Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 01:39 PM - 02:41 PM This task is simple but repetitive and boring. Duration: 1 hour 12 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 04:31 PM - 05:44 PM I continued working on these templates. I only have to do some copy-paste. It's quite a boring task, but sometimes we need to do boring things. Duration: 1 hour 13 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 07:56 PM - 09:05 PM I continued the work on the templates. Duration: 1 hour 9 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 This Low-FODMAP diet is super effective. In less than two days, my gut problem has almost completely disappeared. I also feel much cleaner and my thoughts are clearer. I didn't expect this to be working that well. Total Work Duration: 5 hours 47 minutes, including 5 hours 47 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

16/08/2021 (Week 30) At the thought of being free of Mother, psychologically... I feel less like a baby I feel less dependent I feel more like an adult I feel more authentic I feel more independent minded I feel more fulfilled in life At the thought of being free of Father, psychologically... I'm letting go of my over-stressing behavior I'm letting go of my harsh inner critic I feel more free I feel more powerful I feel more independent I'm letting go of self-hate I'm bringing back control in my life At the thought of belonging fully to myself... I feel in control of my life I can have complex independent thoughts I feel empower I feel capable of achieving what I want in life I feel living life for myself I feel capable I feel true to myself If my life really does belong to me... then I have control of my control then I'm choosing happiness then I'm choosing to achieve what I want then I'm choosing to be authentic then I can make the changes that I want to make then I can feel it deeply then I can appreciate it deeply If I really am capable of independent survival... then I can move out of my parent's house then I can function properly in life then I can sustain myself without overthinking about it then I can let go of my fear of survival then I can let go of my fear of not having money then I can let go of my over-stressing behavior and appreciate life and survival instead of being afraid of it

16 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:30 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:14 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 hour of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed Deep Work Sessions: 10:54 AM - 12:12 PM I started learning about how some templates work and started doing some changes. There was a lot of distracting noises around me. Duration: 1 hour 16 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 12:20 PM - 12:49 PM I did a few more corrections on this template. Duration: 29 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 02:11 PM - 02:51 PM I started to work on another template. Duration: 50 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 04:31 PM - 06:06 PM I continued the work on the template. I feel very tired. Duration: 1 hour 35 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 08:15 PM - 09:02 PM I worked a bit more on this template Duration: 47 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Sleep was again very difficult. Total Work Duration: 4 hours 57 minutes, including 4 hours 57 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.4 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

There's a feeling of hate inside me. Why do I hate myself so much? And why do I hate the world so much?

This journal will be as dirty as it'll have to be. Don't read if you're too sensitive.

This is just the beginning. Stay tuned for more lol.

Sometimes you just have to fucking push yourself.

My Ideal Authentic Self This is the state that I'm shooting for / what I want: Quiet when I want to be quiet and playful when I want to be playful Observant Thoughtful Insightful Rather organized without being too much organized in order to have space for creative thoughts and allowing novelty Clear sophisticated thoughts Spending less time on this forum Deep and regenerative sleep High self-esteem High confidence High social skills Assertive, but not too much except in situations that need it Decisive, but not too much in order to allow new possibilities Highly responsible of me and of people around me High integrity Rather polite, but sometimes gross Funnier Relaxed Good masculine / feminine balance. Maybe 60% masculine and 40% feminine or 70% masculine and 30% feminine Awesome with women, able to have a deep emotional connection with a woman that resonates with me, provide containment, and provide amazing sex Less judgmental of people Lonely most of the time, but with a bit more social interactions Completely financially independent Having an authentic business connected to an authentic life purpose that brings deep satisfaction and has a positive impact on the world Minimalist Simple in appearance but with a deep complexity behind the scene Being a responsible adult while still allowing the kid inside me to show himself and to be playful Wise Humble

My Current State This is my current state: Quiet Observant Thoughtful Insightful Messy without being a complete mess Often distracted by thoughts Have difficulties controlling myself from reading this forum Often have sleeping problems Average self-esteem Average confidence Average social skills with some social anxiety Uncomfortable with dating Not assertive enough Not decisive enough Not responsible enough Pretty good integrity Rather polite, but sometimes gross Lonely Poor Self-employed working on building a solid financial foundation Can easily stress and over-dramatize things. In consequence, I can burn myself quite quickly Minimalist Simple in appearance but with a deep complexity behind the scene I feel like an adult, but sometimes also like a kid Very wise, but sometimes also very dumb

This journal is going to be my most painful journal.