Raphael

Exploring My Relationship With My Body I didn't really know where to get started so I'm going to start here. I'm at a point in life where my adult self feels like all of this is old and doesn't really matter in the end but that's not how my child self and my teenage self feels. My child self and teenage self aren't healed yet, they still suffer and I can feel it inside me.

Three themes are going to frequently appear in this journal: My relationship with my dad. My relationship with my body. My feeling of being abnormal.

I always easily attracted a lot of hate and criticism in life. I had some periods where I got criticized so much that I became desensitize to it. I was emotionally numb. My state of mind was: "You can criticize me until I die, it doesn't do anything to me. I'm emotionless, therefore you can't hurt me, therefore I'm always winning". That was quite a fucked up narcissistic state.

Also, even if I want to help the world, sometimes I think that we should exterminate the human specie because it is causing too many damages to the planet, but that's not a holistic approach.

I also thought that I could do Leo's job in the past, cause, honestly, I have the capacity to do it. Speaking for 3 hours is easy when someone's already thought of a subject for 100 hours.

About Raising Human Development I'm still not sure about the form that my life purpose will take, but I know what it will be about: raising human development. This is what all life purposes are about. All life purposes are the same but a few variables make them seem different. They have different forms, they are more or less impactful, they have different targets, they have different levels of consciousness, but they are all the same in the end. Everyone has a natural purpose as everyone is contributing to the whole. Most people live purposefully unconsciously where a few live purposefully consciously. Cleaning toilets is a purpose that contributes to the whole. Serving food at a restaurant is a purpose that contributes to the whole. Taking care of old people in a retirement house is a purpose that contributes to the whole. Helping homeless people is a purpose that contributes to the whole. Raising kids is a purpose that contributes to the whole. Building roads is a purpose that contributes to the whole. Building an app is a purpose that contributes to the whole. Building self-development methods is a purpose that contributes to the whole. Etc., etc. I always felt a sense of responsibility towards humanity. I always felt that I was born to do great, that I was born to be a catalyst for human development. Some people resonate with that, some don't. In my case, I resonate. But, even if the feeling is inside me, finding an authentic way to help the world is something that I struggle with. I struggle because of how complex I am and because of how diverse my interests are. I can be artistic and I can also be logical. I always seek novelty so I don't see myself being specialized in a field. I like to interconnect different domains and see the big picture. And finally, I want to help the world. With all these variables taken into consideration, my current idea is to: study the globe as a whole, see how it interconnects, find strategic areas, create infrastructures that will interconnect and create chain effects to gradually raise human development at a global scale. China is already doing something like this. But how about doing it for the interest of humanity instead of the interest of a single country? And doing it in a way that equilibrates the globe, reduces extreme poverty, and brings similar high-quality living standards for everyone? Now, am I going to go in this direction? My soul wants to say yes as I don't see any more compelling life purpose — except if we integrate space travel too, but I'll probably die before seeing anything significant in this area — but reality creates tough challenges. Nevertheless, what I noticed is that even if this is challenging I'm attracted to this. I already know what I need to get there: Money. A lot of money. What is great is that I currently work in a field where it's possible to generate a huge amount of money when a product is creative and well marketed. I have a project like this in mind and it has the potential to generate hundreds of million of dollars. I also got in touch with an inspiring friend recently and we will cooperate in the future. So some things look great here. Education. A lot of education in a lot of different fields. Experience. A lot of experience. One more point about education is that I am interested in everything. And currently, I am particularly interested in: Politics History Geography Human development Psychology Philosophy Epistemology Metaphysics Thinking systems: creative thinking, critical thinking, system thinking, holistic thinking, integral thinking Business Marketing Emotions Trauma Healing Relationships Sexuality I'll find time to educate myself more in the future as my main work is currently taking most of my time. They are also other things that I noted: This is way too big for me, I cannot do that alone. I will have to create an organization and this organization will contain some high-level meta thinkers and other divisions that will be more down to earth to make the changes. An organization like this already exists and it's called the United Nation. Maybe one of the best move that I can do is to find a way to work for the UN with my skill which is studying a lot of different perspectives and making interconnections to creatively solve problems. Even if I want to help the world I still want to have a minimalist lifestyle where I only work 20 to 30 hours/week most of the time. Combining a simple, authentic minimalist lifestyle with a big life purpose is going to be tricky. I want truth to be an essential component of my life, of my work, and of my impact on the world. I also like art and this life purpose relies a bit too much on the left brain. I want to help the world in a way that combines both left brain and right brain, in a way that allows me to logically and artistically express myself. So... that's a lot of stuff, but I don't see anything else to do with my life other than learning, appreciating it, and helping others. For the moment I'm focusing on the basics and on educating myself. This vision is a very long-term vision. How old will I be when I will be able to start helping the world at a meta-level? 35? 40? 45? Maybe. And how old will I be when I'll be able to start seeing some changes in the world through my work? 60? 65? 70? And significant changes? 80? 90? 100? Or maybe I'll die before. In all cases, the most important thing is to enjoy the process of learning, living and helping. There will always be bigger life purposes. Being obsessed with having the biggest life purpose can be an egotistical narcissistic trap. The best thing to do is to be perfectly balanced between the paradoxes of life: having a purpose that doesn't matter in the end; appreciating the now, tiny things, and subtleties while still having a long-term vision; etc., etc.

01 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 09:37 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:45 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ❌ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed Work Sessions: 11:43 AM - 12:51 PM I worked on some templates. Duration: 1 hour 8 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 02:30 PM - 04:00 PM Did some work on these templates, a bit of accounting, and tested some emails. I distracted myself a bit too much. Duration: 1 hour 30 minutes Focus: 3/5 Deep Work Sessions: 04:32 PM - 05:14 PM I'm just too exhausted to continue working. I'm stopping there for today. Duration: 42 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Almost didn't sleep of the entire night. It completely messed my day. Total Work Duration: 3 hours 20 minutes, including 42 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5)

I'll say that I half escaped it since I started to work as a freelancer. This is allowing me to make money without working that much. This is also allowing me to work on another project to get completely financially independent and to direct myself more and more towards my life purpose.

@Michael569 I think I can keep the oats but maybe not in a too big quantity. Eliminating other things almost completely fixed my issue. I added an egg in the morning to get the nutrients that I lost by cutting High-FODMAP foods.

31 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:15 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:30 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed Work Sessions: 09:48 AM - 10:20 AM I filled some documents for the revenue authority. Duration: 32 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Deep Work Sessions: 10:35 AM - 12:42 AM The code to send emails is working properly. I will integrate it soon to the API. I also did a lot of email testing with different clients during this session. Duration: 2 hour 7 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 01:38 PM - 02:49 PM I integrated the code to send emails to the API. I noticed a mistake in it and also noticed a bug on the account confirmation page. There's still a lot of noises outside because of the constructions. Duration: 1 hour 11 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 04:27 PM - 05:51 PM I continued the good progress on the emails. Duration: 1 hour 24 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 07:26 PM - 08:18 PM I completed the password forgotten email and started the goodbye email. Duration: 52 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Total Work Duration: 6 hours 6 minutes, including 5 hours 35 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5)

30 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:35 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:15 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ❌ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed Work Sessions: 10:29 AM - 12:50 AM Did some work on templates, contacted someone, and find out that there is still a bug with email templates. Duration: 2 hours 21 minutes Focus: 3/5 Deep Work Sessions: 01:57 PM - 02:43 PM Did some progress on this email template. I still have to create images for social networks. Duration: 46 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 04:17 PM - 06:30 PM I worked on the welcome email template and also on the API structure to send emails. I distracted myself at some moments. Duration: 2 hours 13 minutes Focus: 3/5 07:33 PM - 08:21 PM I did some progress on constructing the email from the backend. Duration: 48 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Total Work Duration: 6 hours 8 minutes, including 3 hours 47 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.25 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5)

@Michael569 Do you have ideas of large breakfasts on a Low-FODMAP diet? I recently realized that my gut is quite sensitive so I cut peanuts and cashew nuts in the morning and also cut grains like lentils, chickpeas, and peas during the day.

I wrongly titled this journal. This journal is going to be about a lot of things: healing traumas, exploring my shadows, removing limiting beliefs, turning limiting beliefs into opportunities, changing thought patterns, forgiving, changing behaviors, deconstructing myself, and improving myself.

Shame + Hypersensitivity I'm noticing some shame in me. Shame because when I look back at my life it wasn't that bad most of the time. Sure, I experienced pain and suffering to various degrees but compared to what some people experienced, most of them feel insignificant. Sometimes I read horror stories on this forum of people who have been hardly psychologically and physically abused in their life. I did experience abuses in my life but never to that degree, at worst it was moderate with very few intense traumas. So... if I never experienced such horrible conditions and I'm suffering, then how much do people with severe life traumas suffer? I can imagine how hard it can be, but my imagination will always be incomplete and never match the reality of someone who experienced severe traumas. I also have a hypersensitivity to life, which means that I experience things very strongly. I experience people's emotions strongly so that might contribute to amplifying the traumas. I'm very sensitive to noises, I have been able to hear people voice's coming out of phones in the past. This hypersensitivity can be overwhelming, but I'm handling it better than before. If I master it, I can get to a point of perceiving an incredible amount of nuances and mastering them to sort out the toughest life challenges without me being too much emotionally affected.

Shame + Hypersensitivity I'm noticing some shame in me. Shame because when I look back at my life it wasn't that bad most of the time. Sure, I experienced pain and suffering to various degrees but compared to what some people experienced, most of them feel insignificant. Sometimes I read horror stories on this forum of people who have been hardly psychologically and physically abused in their life. I did experience abuses in my life but never to that degree, at worst it was moderate with very few intense traumas. So... if I never experienced such horrible conditions and I'm suffering, then how much do people with severe life traumas suffer? I can imagine how hard it can be, but my imagination will always be incomplete and never match the reality of someone who experienced severe traumas. I also have a hypersensitivity to life, which means that I experience things very strongly. I experience people's emotions strongly so that might contribute to amplifying the traumas. I'm very sensitive to noises, I have been able to hear people voice's coming out of phones in the past. This hypersensitivity can be overwhelming, but I'm handling it better than before. If I master it, I can get to a point of perceiving an incredible amount of nuances and mastering them to sort out the toughest life challenges without me being too much emotionally affected.

? Program completed.

Nathaniel Branden, The Sixth Pillars of Self-Esteem I recently finished reading The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem for the second time. The first time that I read it (~2 years ago), I was too emotionally unstable to do anything with the knowledge and do the exercises properly. However, I grew a lot since then and I now feel mature enough to use the material properly. About My Self-Esteem Issues While growing up as a kid, then as a teenager, and now as a young adult, I suffered pretty huge self-esteem issues that impacted the quality of my life. Some of these issues included: A lot of depression Extreme shyness Inability to make friends / make social connections Discomfort with girls Neglecting my body. I wasn't doing any sport and was very skinny, some people even asked me if I was anorexic Laziness Fewer good results than I was capable of in school (I was a little better than average and sometimes even good, but it was still way below what I was capable of) Very low results in freelancing because I was afraid of charging clients I solved some of these issues in the past, but some of them are still here. I'm still quite shy, still uncomfortable with women, still experience a little of depression from time to time. However, I now look good, I go to the gym regularly, I'm more hardworking, and recently started to have much better results in freelancing. Why Self-Esteem Healthy self-esteem is the foundation for proper functioning in life. So If can raise my self-esteem, I can improve everything: Relationships Communication Health Work ethic Business results Awareness Happiness And much more. Why Will I Do At the end of The Sixth Pillars of Self-Esteem, there is a program to progressively raise self-esteem. It is a 31 week program, I will do it at least one time, but if I see the necessity to do it more than once, I will do it. If taking other actions are necessary, I will take them. What Inspired Me I got inspired by a user on this forum who did the same thing two years ago:

29/08/2021 (Week 31) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... live my life in a holistic way accept me no matter what bring intense awareness to critical situations and to my choices in life take responsibility assert my personality in life stay aware that I live for something greater than me let my self-esteem rise and shine let myself be the best that I can be in any situation

Weekly Statistics (23 August 2021 - 29 August 2021) Total Working Time 29 hours 0 minutes Average Focus 3.49 / 5

29 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:27 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 12:12 AM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ Breathwork ~ No distractions until 8 PM (Doesn't apply on Sunday) ❌ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed Work Sessions: No work for today Total Work Duration: 0 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5)

Lol.

28/08/2021 (Week 31) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... am radically honest with me even if it hurt bring intense awareness to situations that need it take responsibility for my life so that it goes my way accept the call of self-esteem and accept living a high self-esteem life stay aware that no matter what I do I work for something greater than me, I work for humanity and for raising human development assert my personality and objectives in life stay aligned with my true self live my life to the fullest

Somewhere in Africa.

28 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:23 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:02 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed Work Sessions: 09:35 AM - 10:36 AM I created a few pull requests and merged it, updated the development API on the server, fixed an issue with GitHub and tried to build the app but it failed. Duration: 1 hour 1 minute Focus: 3.5/5 10:53 AM - 12:07 PM Did some corrections on the app. Took care of some configurations and put it online on the development URL. I realized that there's still a crucial bug on the publisher interface that need to be fixed. Duration: 1 hour 14 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 12:16 PM - 12:45 PM Just did a few researches and thought about the mail designs for the app. Duration: 29 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Deep Work Sessions: 01:51 PM - 02:51 PM I worked on an email design. Duration: 1 hour Focus: 3.5/5 04:29 PM - 06:05 PM Designing email templates are a headache. Duration: 1 hour 34 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 06:53 PM - 07:27 PM I continued the work on email templates. Duration: 1 hour 34 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 08:32 PM - 08:53 PM I think I'm done with the email design. I'll continue to work on email sending next week or maybe a bit tomorrow. Duration: 21 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Total Work Duration: 7 hours 13 minutes, including 4 hours 29 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5)