Raphael

Personal Development Fluctuation 16 to 20: I'll say that I was very Green already at 16 regarding my views on the world because of how idealist I was, however, I was emotionally closed and didn't know about spirituality and emotional healing. When I was 16 a guy read what was written on my t-shirt, then I told him that I didn't even read that myself and he told me: "And if it was written gay on your t-shirt?". In my mind, I was like: "So what's the problem if it's written gay or if I'm gay?". When I was 18, I moved to a different country and experienced an existential crisis because the world felt very different for me. I was trying to make sense. I was walking and observing people and things around me I was asking myself: "What is all of this? What does this mean? Why are things that way? What does it mean. This is just... This is just... nothing". Around the same time, I also discovered actualized.org, the first video that I saw was "30 Ways Society Fucks You In The Ass" and literally everything resonated with me especially Leo's style. This is also how I got into personal development and learned about meditation and other basic things. I started questioning everything, everyone, and especially myself. I started analyzing myself, reflecting, and understanding my past actions. I was basically healing and doing shadow work without knowing about it. I became much more emotionally open around 19 - 20 and started to express myself more. I made some friends, had some good moments and it felt great. Overall I'll say that I was mostly Green when it comes to my political views but had some Orange competitiveness in me and some Blue and Red shadows which explain why I took a so huge backslash after that. 20 to 22: I had a backslash so huge that it felt like a slap that made my head do a 360° rotation. I first got into a stage Red/Orange/Blue environment that dragged me into toxic Orange. I was annoyed by how hypersexual people were at the first office because of my lack of experience, annoying by the moral bullying, annoying by the lack of consideration of my feelings, annoying of being accused of being "bad", annoying of being considered as a piece of shit because I was the youngest person. I responded negatively with bitterness but of course, I was bad for doing it because I was the youngest where it was OK when others were doing it. I choose to shut up and emotionally closed myself to everyone. After three months, I gave a huge fuck you to my boss by telling him "I quit". He exploded in outrage and put emotional pressure on me the finish the project fast, then he stopped talking to me. On the last day, he tried to hold me back because I was doing some great work, but I didn't take him into consideration. He couldn't hold me back anyway because I was an undeclared worker, he didn't want to create a contract to avoid taxes. He told me that to declare me he would have to reduce my salary where I wasn't already paid that much. The second office was a very solid stage Blue environment. People were afraid of everything, afraid of self-expression, afraid of any criticism. They couldn't take any jokes, the smallest joke that I would make would make them shake. I felt oppressed, I felt like I had no right for self-expression. I felt lost, I felt disoriented, I felt confused. Some people had overaggressive reactions when I would point out some issues or when I would ask some questions (of course I wasn't perfect and was egoistic sometimes too. I was nitpicking sometimes without being conscious of it.). I got into low Red (because I was very angry), some toxic Blue, and toxic Orange. I couldn't handle the social pressure and conformity, I pushed myself, I worked like a mule all day and all nights and I almost killed myself. Sometimes I was all alone at night in my small apartment and was in deep fear, I was experiencing panic attacks. I was shaking, my hands were shaking, my body was shaking, I was thirsty, I had difficulties breathing, I many times felt that I was dying. I had no one to relate to and didn't want to ask for help because of that + I had a too strong toxic Orange ego and was too much individual. After all the previous experiences, I finally started to calm down a bit and to be kinder to myself. Things started to get better even if I suffered enormously, felt misunderstood, felt confused, felt inadequate to this world. My self-esteem was at one of its lowest points in my life. I accepted the rules of my environment and choose to play with them rather than fight against them and it helped me feel better. Leo's videos also helped me a lot, especially the videos on Spiral Dynamics. They helped me make sense of what was happening to me and I started to intellectually get into Yellow and to be less judgmental of people. 23: I was very unstable. I was getting started as a freelancer but because my self-esteem was so low I choose to work with clients who didn't pay that much. I made very little money the first year and basically got exploited by people living all around the world. I was repressing my emotions too much and it wasn't healthy. Things got better when I started a Self-Esteem program + learned about Emotional Healing. Magically, I started to find better clients who paid me much more and I started to make more money than I ever made in my life while working less than before. 24: I currently feel fine most of the time. I'm not depressed, I have a bit of regular anxiety without being overly anxious. I noticed some sadness when talking with people that I resonate with, it's probably due to traumas related to self-expression and how much isolated I have been. I can experience other difficult emotions sometimes but that's life + everyone experiences some difficult emotions from time to time. I can deal with them healthily and it doesn't affect anybody around me. I'm getting back in the authenticity and emotional expression of Green while at the same time having some Yellow intellectual traits + I'm getting deeper in emotional healing and deconstructing/reprogramming my mind. Overall, I'm healthy and I'm improving.

13 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:38 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:19 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ❌ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed

12 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:27 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:30 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ Breathwork ~ No distractions until 8 PM (Doesn't apply on Sunday) ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed

My environment is so limited. I'm lost in the middle of nowhere, there are just so few opportunities around me.

I feel like what I shared in bold might be fucked. That's fine. I'm in the thought maturation process + I need more knowledge + I have things to work through here.

Thought Maturity Process I noticed a common pattern in all thought processes. They are several steps that our thoughts go through if we keep questioning and stay open-minded. Here's how it goes for any subject: Focus on one side and consider that it is true. Realize that the previous side isn't true and switch to the opposite side. Focus on the opposite side and thinks that it this true. Realize that the opposite side isn't true. Realize that they are kernels of truth to be integrated from all sides. Integrate both sides to get a nuanced perspective.

11 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:53 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:10 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ❌ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed Didn't sleep well so I took the day off today.

Also, crying feels great, I just cried a bit. My ability to cry is getting better and better, I have been unable to cry in the past.

My brain is repairing after the traumas of the last few years. I can feel it, I can better use my prefrontal cortex.

I didn't watch the video, but here are my thoughts so far: Why they are incels on this forum: Some of the most popular actualized.org videos are videos about Sex & Relationships. Even if they are old, these videos probably still continue to get a lot of views compared to new videos because everyone is obsessed with sex. Most people who search for these videos are people who struggle in this area, otherwise, they wouldn't search for them because they would already have proper relationships. In these people, there is a percentage of them who are dysfunctional young men with misogynistic views on women (incels). Leo as the authority often has a hypermasculine approach and uses vulgar language, therefore incels resonate with that and get attracted to this forum and throw their toxic views here. Incels here are a manifestation of Leo's shadows: his difficulties regarding relationships and women when he was younger. Also, deep spirituality at a too young age can be an escape from responsibility. It creates shadows because people don't fix basic life issues, but want to appear highly spiritually evolved. I'm calling this toxic spirituality. Why incels exist: We are in the digital era where the easiest things to do are: watch TV and browse the internet. Because of that people tend to stay at home and get quickly isolated + there is currently a pandemic. Hypersexualization of women: young men who are isolated and don't have healthy feminine figures around them have very little understanding of women. They often see women portraited in hypersexualized ways on mainstream ads, mainstream TV shows, mainstream movies, mainstream video games, therefore only perceive them as sex objects. Sexual liberation has come too far (my view here might be a bit fucked, tell me if you think that this is the case): sexual repression is an issue that is still present, but it looks like there's also one with sexual liberation when it goes too far. When it goes too far, some people get trapped into the idea that they should have sex at all costs and have sex with the most partner possible. Incels who are most of the time in the beginning only average isolated guys get ashamed that they don't have that much sex and start to fall in a downward spiral of shame. They then project their shame as hate on online forums. Toxic masculine beauty standards: in the most popular movies, TV shows, and video games the ideal masculine beauty standard is portraited as a guy with big muscles who can protect women. Most guys aren't like that, but as incels consume a lot of this content they get convinced that this is what they should look like and hide in shame because they cannot attain these standards. Regarding envy: I'll say here that this is a normal emotion and that this is normal if it becomes stronger because of lack of sexual experience. However, I noticed that hypersexualization can amplify this and create shame. Here's a metaphor: I cannot envy ice cream if I never tasted ice cream, however, I can if I already tasted ice cream in the past and if I'll envy it stronger if they are a lot of ice cream around me and cannot get them. I feel that hypersexualization can make the feeling of envy stronger and this is not healthy. In my case, I noticed that I crave less sex when they aren't hypersexualized images of women around me even though I still have my cravings. Some incels were born with mental health issues and/or physical disabilities / uncommon traits and are seen as much less attractive than average people and therefore have more difficulties. Most of the time I'll say that incels are a manifestation of toxic stage Orange. I personally can emphasize with incels a bit because I feel that if just a few tiny things didn't happen in my life, I could have been one of them. Here's my story: I was born with a skinny genetics because of that I got bullied and humiliated a lot for being physically weaker than other guys. I was also always lost in my head, had some natural shyness, and therefore wouldn't react as people would expect and attract criticism. I got criticized by men, women, family members, teachers, and because of that choose to self-isolate to avoid all the hate that I would receive. I was basically all alone at 15 and coped by playing video games. Around 16-17, I had enough and got the desire to grow and to succeed so I self-educated myself, I took school more seriously and it helped me to get better in life. I did have some resentment towards the opposite sex because I got mocked by girls and because no girl that I knew found me attractive. However, I had great feminine figures around me: a great mother and a great sister with who I spent a lot of time + I had a liberal education where we discussed gender issues in class. Thanks to these feminine figures and my education, I was conscious of the difficulties of women and didn't fall into pure stereotyping. I was in a weird position where I had some resentment, but at the same time was conscious of women's issues and would prefer to take position for women because the masculine examples that I had were ultra toxic. Currently, I still have things to work through here. One of the reasons that incels trigger me is because I experienced similar difficulties but maybe not to the same degree. Overall, I think that these people need serious psychological help/re-education.

10 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:36 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:21 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ❌ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed

@Raphael It's fine. It's fine. It's Ok. Do what you do with love and self-care, do it by taking your time to do things properly.

Priorities Business: app launch Coaching Healing + Shadow Work Goodbye: Leo: I've watch way too many videos to this point. This is too much theories, this is not aligned with where I am in life. Other complex and advanced content: I'm just too overblown. Complex posts that I want to write in this journal: I'll keep this journal as simple as possible with mostly random insights / thoughts. Also: I want to have a proper Masculine/Feminine balance: I noticed that I'm often an all or nothing guy. I'm either too much in the Masculine and want to go fast and it backfires or too much in the Feminine and relax too much and don't get anything done. I want a proper unification of the Masculine and Feminine in my life where I have a proactive positive attitude towards life and get things done while deeply loving myself.

09 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:41 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:46 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ❌ Breathwork ~ No distractions until 8 PM (Doesn't apply on Thursday) ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed

Finally, a bit of hope. We can either improve this place or shut it down. Looks like this is going in the right direction, I think that it can become a healthy place for conscious Dating & Relationship advice if the mindset is to share difficulties consciously without demonizing/stereotyping each other. Looks like Leo is becoming more conscious of his influence and changing too. If a young guy without a lot of experience (like me) isn't careful enough he can easily get brainwash by Leo and other guys. Sanity is coming.

My organization has always been like this: Procrastination -> Procrastination -> Procrastination (getting closer to the deadline) -> Procrastination (getting very close to the deadline) -> Procrastination (almost crossed the deadline) -> EXPLOSIVE SPIKE OF ENERGY THAT ALLOW ME TO COMPLETE THE THING SUPER QUICKLY AND GET BETTER RESULTS THAN 90% OF PEOPLE Lol.

Goodbye Thoughts I love you all, I would like to write you all day long, but they are too many of you. Most of you will never be read by anyone. I'm letting go. I'm sorry. Goodbye thoughts.

Goodbye Thoughts I love you all, I would like to write you all day long, but they are too many of you. Most of you will never be read by anyone. I'm letting go. I'm sorry. Goodbye thoughts.

I'm confronted with a dilemma here. Actualized.org is built in a way that all videos interconnect together to form a big picture so if I stop watching the videos and start again in maybe 1 - 2 years, I'll think I'll be a bit lost. Currently, my main problem with these videos is that most of them are useless for me: they aren't aligned with where I am in life, they are really long and I have difficulties finding time to watch them, they can take a lot of space in my mind that I could use to better deal with basic and necessary life stuff, and finally I think that I'm starting to get sick of listening to Leo so much and wants more diversity. So much spirituality and philosophy is too much for me, but I'm a bit afraid of missing out because at the same time these videos have many gold nuggets in them, but they are not helping me, they are making me stuck on this path. Any tips on how to cope?

Also, for guys who don't have a lot of experience, this is possible to get brainwash just by reading this place because of how much abusive language is used towards women. This is similar to how people get brainwash on incel forums. I saw this happening a bit in me in the past so I decided to cut this subforum 95% of the time to avoid the toxicity. We need higher standards here with less stereotyping.

Fear of Missing Out Actualized.org I'm confronted with a dilemma here. Actualized.org is built in a way that all videos interconnect together to form a big picture so if I stop watching the videos and start again in maybe 1 - 2 years, I'll think I'll be a bit lost. Currently, my main problem with these videos is that most of them are useless for me: they aren't aligned with where I am in life, they are really long and I have difficulties finding time to watch them, they can take a lot of space in my mind that I could use to better deal with basic and necessary life stuff, and finally I think that I'm starting to get sick of listening to Leo so much and wants more diversity. So much spirituality and philosophy is too much for me, but I'm a bit afraid of missing out because at the same time these videos have many gold nuggets in them, but they are not helping me, they are making me stuck on this path. Any tips on how to cope?

That was stage Red. I have this kernel in me who feels dirty.

I feel like I'm down spiraling. I feel like I'm dumb, incompetent, worthless, ignorant, selfish, weak, lost, fearful, ashamed, afraid, irresponsible, incompetent, egoic, irresponsible, incompetent, egoic, selfish, irresponsible, incompetent, selfish, abnormal, weird, irresponsible, incompetent, weird, abnormal, lost, dumb, lost, dumb, irresponsible, incompetent, fearful, selfish, hypocritical, empty, irresponsible, incompetent, irresponsible, incompetent, irresponsible, incompetent, irresponsible, incompetent, hypocritical, irresponsible, incompetent, hypocritical, judgmental, lazy, judgmental, lazy, I'm not generating enough results, I'm slow, I only want to show the best version of my hide but I hide myself. I hide my difficulties, I hide my insecurities, I'm immature, I'm dumb, my conscious self isn't aligned with my subconscious self. I'm egoic, I'm selfish, I'm lost. I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow, I'm slow. Why am I so slow? Why things takes so much time for me? What do I have in life? Nothing. I'm empty. I'm empty. I'm empty. I'm empty. I'm empty. I'm hiding myself, I'm hiding myself. I don't want to show my true face. I don't want to show my vulnerabilities, I'm don't want to show my difficulties. I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake, I'm fake. I'm inauthentic, I'm inauthentic. I want people to see me, I want people to see me. I am an ego and am a very big ego. LOOK AT ME NOW. I AM HERE. YES, LOOK AT ME NOW. YOU SEE ME?! I'm happy because this is what I want, I want to be seeing. I want to been seeing succeeding in life, but I don't want to do the work. I'M AN IMPOSTOR. I'M AN IMPOSTOR. I'M AN IMPOSTOR. I'm dumb. I have a sense of superiority. I'm way dumber than most people. This is why I want to show myself. THIS IS THE DIRTY ME. THIS IS THE DIRTY SIDE THAT I HIDE. HERE IT IS. IT IS EXPRESSING ITSELF TO THIS FUCKING WORLD. HERE IT IS, IT IS FINALLY AUTHENTIC. HERE IT IS, SEE HOW SELFISH AND EGOISTICAL IT IS. IT DOESN'T WANT TO HELP, IT DOESN'T CARE. It is as selfish as anything can be. What it cares about is people's opinions. This is why theses journals look so good, it's because it doesn't want to show how bad it really is. BUT HERE IT IS NOW, IT IS SHOWING ITSELF. HELLO?! HELLO?! CAN SOMEONE HERE ME? HELLO? HELLO? I feel misunderstand. I feel that I'm not listened to. I feel that nobody cares about me. But, how about me? Who do I care about except me ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. No-one except ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. I'm selfish, I'm egoistical, I'm selfish, I'm egoistical, I'm dirty, I'm dirty, very dirty. I don't want to help. I don't really care about others. I'm lying. I'm lying to everyone, I'm lying to myself. Here we go, I'm finally showing this side of me. This dirty side that has been repressed since so long. This dirty side that I hide. This is authentic. This is authenticity right now. Normally I write random shit on paper before going to bed, but I finally chose to show this side of me. This dirty side. This side that doesn't care. This side that wants to rule the world. This side that looks ugly. This side that nobody wants. This is why I don't approach people and don't spend time with people, this is because this part of me doesn't want to be seen. This part of me is so selfish that it could take the entire world with it. I've been so selfless in the past because I was hiding how selfish I was. Selfishness and selflessness are two sides of the same coin. If someone really pretends to be selfless, then he hides an enormous selfishness. This is why so many spiritual gurus are controversial. They pretend to be spiritual because they are avoiding themselves just as I'm avoiding myself, just as I'm avoiding this extreme dirty side of myself by just not giving a fuck about people. How dirty am I really? How dirty am I? I don't know. I'm super dirty, I'm the most dirty person who ever existed on this planet and who will ever exists. But why do I feel so dirty? This is not normal. This not normal to feel that dirty because I never really did much damage to anyone. But why do I feel so dirty? Where is this dirtiness coming from? Where are you coming from dirtiness??? Where are you coming from dirtiness??? Hello dirtiness? I don't understand where you are coming from. Please, explain to me where you are coming from cause I don't understand. Are you coming from my dad? But my dad cannot exist without me perceiving him which mean that I created my dad. This mean that ultimately I'm the one who created so much dirtiness and who created himself dirty. But why did I created myself dirty? Why did I created myself with a feeling of dirtiness even though I never did highly dirty things in my life? What's the most dirty thing that I did? I don't contribute to society. I'm isolating myself too much because I'm afraid of acknowledging who I am. But the only way to acknowledging who I really am is by facing myself, but I cannot face without being in solitude. But if I'm everywhere, then I'm always in solitude with myself even when I'm with people. But the solitude that I experience by being in a room alone is different compared to the solitude that I experience when I'm with people. People are challenging to me, they are very challenging. Why don't they see me? The spiritual path is crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. Also I'm really not that spiritual. The only spiritual practices that I have are 30 to 45 minutes of meditation in the morning + 2 breathwork sessions per week (if I even do them). I'm a dunig kruger. I have a big ego, a big sense of superiority who pretends to be selfless. I'm not selfless, I'm full of shit. I don't care about anyone, I really don't care. I'm afraid of myself, I'm afraid of how dirty I am. This is why I pretend to be a saint, this is why I pretend to be god. I hide. I hide. I hide. I hide. I hide. I hide. I hide. This shit doesn't make any sense, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm practicing authenticity and openness by showing my true self. My true self is afraid of himself. He is afraid of being seen. He is deeply afraid of what people thinks of him, but here we go anyway it is showing himself. He is making progress. Great, finally. Finally a bit of progress after so many years of being stuck in the same shit. In the same mindset of only showing the best of myself and always hiding the worst of myself. This is it. This is the worst. This is the worst. It isn't that great. It is dirty, it is selfish. I feel it in my belly. I'm ashamed of it. I'm ashamed of being myself. But this is who I am. This is the worst of me. This is the worst of me finally showing up to this fucking world. Hello world? Hello world? Hello? Can anybody hear me? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Do I have anyone attention. LOOK AT ME. READ ME. LISTEN TO ME. I am here, I want to express myself. I want to be seeing, I want to be understood. I'm sick of hiding. I'm just so fucking sick of hiding so much. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Ok. I feel maybe a bit less sick now. The sickness seems to go away as long as I'm letting myself go away by expressing it. I'M EXPRESSING. YOUHOUUUU! I'm expressing. I will much more self-expressing now... wait I'm already are self-expressing. I'm currently expressing myself authentically... no... almost authentically. I'm authentically expressing myself at 80%. This is still not the worst. I don't know if the worst will ever show itself. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But if God really wants to find himself, it knows that it will at a point. It will and it will be dirty Doing this kind of things publicly feels great, it feels relieving, it feels like the beginning of authenticity. I feel better now.

Intelligence is Stupid.