Raphael

23 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:45 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:33 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ~ No distractions until 8 PM (Doesn't apply on Thursday) ❌ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed

I'm noticing that as I'm journaling things are getting very messy. I'm wondering if I'm doing things properly. I have a lot of insights and my mind is going in thousands of directions. This journal is going to be messier than I expected.

Exploring My Relationship With My Body: Noticing Feelings /!\ Warning: These are just feelings that are arising while journaling. THEY DOT NOT REPRESENT HOW I AM 95% OF THE TIME NOR HOW PEOPLE PERCEIVE ME IRL IN MOST SITUATIONS. I'm noticing some feelings arising and things happening while exploring my body image issues: My social anxiety is spiking I feel unaccepted I feel weird I feel abnormal I feel anger I want to self-isolate I feel afraid I don't feel safe I feel inferior I don't want people around me I don't want people to touch me I don't want people to talk to me I don't want any friends I want people to leave me alone I want people to stop mocking me I want people to stop criticizing me I feel hate I feel hated I'm getting into stage Red: I want to kill people and to take down this whole fucking world with me I feel unattractive I feel avoidant of women I feel a distrust of women I don't want women to look at me I don't want women to care about me I feel hate of women I feel avoidant of men I feel a distrust of men I feel hate of men I don't want men to look at me I don't want men to see me as being weak I feel alone I feel isolated I feel alienated I feel some burning sensation in my stomach I feel not understood I feel sad I feel some tears coming up I feel agitated I want to end my life I want to end my suffering I want to hide I feel shame I feel avoidant I feel very distrustful of people I don't want to care about people because I feel that people hate me I hate myself I feel extremely fearful of what people think of me Other things that happened while journaling: I did loud and weird sounds with my mouth, I'm letting everything out I repeated "Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me ALONE, LEAVE ME ALONE, LEAVE ME ALONE, LEAVE ME ALONE, FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE" I cried a bit while at the same time repeating: "Help me, help me, help me please, help me, help me, help me". I did this a lot. I breathed repeatedly and very quickly I tried to cope by clicking a bit everywhere on the internet and by going on some porn websites.

Exploring My Relationship With My Body: Self-Hate All the criticism that I got on my body contributed a deep feeling of inferiority and self-hate: I hated being mocked at I hated been mocked on my body by girls I hated been mocked on my body by boys I hated being a target of bullies just for existing as a human being I hated being compared to a girl I hated my body for being weak I hated being seeing as weak I hated being seen as an inferior human being for being skinny I hated being seen as an inferior man I hated how many comparisons people would make with me I hated being treated like a kid and talked to as if I was younger by some kids that were younger than me I hated not being taken seriously I hated that people would always want to help me because they perceived me as being inferior were what I wanted was to do things by myself I really hated myself enormously just because of my body.

@Raphael Notice the bitterness, anger, and resentment.

Alright everyone, thank you very much. What am I supposed to do now? Am I supposed to kill myself or what?

Exploring My Relationship With My Body: Leg Deformation I got some comments and mockeries regarding my legs too, but much less than my skinny body: When I was a very young kid, I remember my mom speaking with me or maybe someone else (possibly an aunt) and she was explaining the first time that she become aware that I had a leg deformation. She was saying something like this: "I was looking at Raphael while he was running and his legs were going outward. I said to (someone), hey look at Raphael, look at his legs, this is not normal". It wasn't a criticism nor an attack but as I was extremely young it did hurt my self-esteem. I remember feeling that something was wrong with me, I remember feeling abnormal, feeling inadequate. Small judgments like this can badly hurt a very little kid, but my mom wasn't aware of it. My mom was only explaining what she saw, she was concerned about me, she cared about me. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I don't like people to care about me because I felt attacked when someone cared about me when I was a young kid. This is highly possible. This is not an issue if someone cares about me, if someone cares about me it means that someone appreciates me. This is perfectly normal to care about the people that we like even though over-caring creates dysfunction as it doesn't allow someone to use its mind. It's fine mom, you have the right to care about me. It also applies to anyone else who appreciates me, it's fine and I can appreciate somebody back by saying "Thank you". This is what living in a society is about, in a healthy society people care about each other. From a boy when I was around 6 - 7: "Your legs go outward when you run!". This boy actually had a similar issue to me so it felt pretty dumb when he criticized me on that, I responded to him: "Yes and you too!". I felt attacked, I felt unsafe. I didn't understand why someone would criticize me on my body. I think that he was insecure and was projecting his insecurity on me as he had a very similar issue. My teacher was just behind me when I responded to this boy and she said something like this to me: "Hey! Raphael!". I didn't' understand her response because I didn't attack this kid, he was the one who attacked me, I was just defending myself. I think that she didn't hear what the other kid said nor what I exactly responded, she probably only perceived me as being a bit verbally abusive without understanding my situation. I think that I felt that I didn't have the right to defend myself and that it was abnormal to defend myself when someone attacks me. Well... no this is not abnormal, this is perfectly normal for someone to defend himself if someone attacks him, however, it is context-dependent and there is a mature way to handle these situations that I am conscious of as an adult. In some situations, we do have to defend ourselves and fight back, but in most situations, we can just accept the other person and have compassion because the other person is suffering and respond something like "Alright, alright. Ok. Are you OK? Are you fine? How do you feel.". This is the mature approach. In middle school, I was running during a sports class while two girls were running behind me and mocking me because of my legs. My legs were probably going a bit outward but I wasn't conscious enough to make the extra effort that I needed to make (because of the deformation) to keep them straight. I felt ridiculed, I felt humiliated, I felt abnormal, I was afraid, I felt like an inferior human being. I think that I might have a bit of resentment against these girls inside me. I think that this event had a big impact on my body-image issues, I think that I started to be much more careful and fearful of how people would perceive my body after this event. I was in Paris in 2017 and I was walking with an uncle, he asked me a question about my leg: "Your leg go outward, what is going on?". I wasn't aware of it and I think that it wasn't a big thing, but he questioned me anyway. It annoyed me a bit and I responded: "It's just a natural deformation, I was born with that, I cannot do anything". My uncle didn't attack me, it didn't felt like a personal attack but like a simple question. He was just curious, people ask questions when they see some unusual thing but it annoyed me anyway because I got a lot of criticism on my body. That's fine, people are just curious and ask questions.

Exploring My Relationship With My Body: Being Skinny Most criticism, mockeries, hate, and rude comments that I got were about me being skinny. Here is everything that I can remember: From an uncle, while shaking my hand: "Oooh. Look at this hand hehe. How is he going to be a construction worker?". From an uncle discussing with one of my parents: "You need to do something for Raphael, he needs to go to the gym.". From a good friend: When I was in an amphitheater as a kid and didn't want to force open a retractable table because I was afraid of breaking it: "You don't have any strength". After a class when the teacher gave us instructions on how to calculate our BMI: "You're just way too skinny". My BMI was around 14 - 15 when I was 14, it caused me harm. "Ah Raphael, why aren't you like your dad.". My dad was the complete opposite of me, he had a hyper-muscular masculine body that many men fantasize about and who perfectly fit masculine ideals. Because of that I experienced enormous shame for not being as strong and muscular as my dad. From a past cousin that I didn't saw after a long time: "Hey Raphael, you're still skinny like this?" From a woman,after I failed to close the sliding door of the school van: "What is happening? You can't close the door? You don't have any strength?" From a friend's older sister while I was helping him move a desk: "Is it OK Raphael? Are you fine? Do you need a break?". Yes, I was fine, I was able to move this desk, I wasn't going to die. I have the capacity to move weights. From a girl that responded to the question "What are we going to do?" from another kid when we were in a classroom while the teacher wasn't here for a few minutes: "Arm wrestle! Ophelia vs. Raphael! Ophelia is going to win". It made me feel inferior considering that masculine standards always expect men have larger bodies than women. From a girl that I was playing with as a kid who touch my right shoulder and felt my bone: "Burk.". From a guy at the swimming pool: "The tall guy". He probably qualified me like this because I was tall and skinny. I didn't like to have a nickname, I felt judged on my physical appearance. From a woman telling to my mom: "He is tall". I didn't like that because it reminded me of other criticism on my body and I felt judged. From a man: "You're very tall". I didn't like that because it reminded me of other criticism on my body and I felt judged. From a boy that I met when I was at a swimming pool in France: "You're so skinny, you look like an asparagus". "Are you anorexic? Do you eat? Is it normal to be so skinny?". Yes, I was eating perfectly normally. From a high-school teacher while I was eating a big piece of bread: "You need to eat more Raphael". I didn't like that because I knew that she said that because she was judging my body. From a girl when I was in middle school: "Hey, can I see your hand? Oooh. It's so tiny". I was in a gymnastic class when I was around 13 and a girl asked me to hold her legs while she was doing a headstand, however, I wasn't sure of the amount of strength that I should use. Because of that I failed at holding her legs and she responded to me: "What is happening? You don't have any strength?". I felt some shame. From a girl when I was in high school: "Raphael are you skinny from everywhere?". From a guy when I was in high school: "You look like a sugar cane!" From a guy when I was in high school: "You don't have a leg you, you have a bone.". From a guy when I was in high school: "Look at his leg. His leg looks like my arm.". From a guy when I was in high school and when students were doing blood donations: "Hey, don't try, don't try cause if you try you're going to die!". From a guy when I was in high school during a gym class when I was trying to do a headstand and was having difficulties: "There's too much wind!". From a girl who sat on me when I was in high school: "Hey! I didn't break his legs!" From a tourist on the beach: "Your hands... they look like a girl’s hands.". From someone that I don't remember when I was a kid: "Your legs are like chopsticks". From my dad: "You need to move out, you need to do some sport, it's normal that you are so skinny if you don't move.". True, it would have been wise to exercise more but with all the criticisms that I was getting, I just wanted to hide and play video games. From a girl in the school bus: "His legs are very tall". It wasn't really a criticism but I didn't like it anyway because I felt judged on my body. From a boy who was a few years younger than me in the school bus and who was analyzing how skinny I was: "But... but... even my leg is bigger than your leg." From a boy when I was in middle school who asked me about my weight: "This is not normal. How can this be normal? I personally weigh 56 kg". My weight was maybe around 45 kg - 48 kg. From a past male coworker: "How is it that he is so skinny even though he eats so much? He looks like a sugar cane stick. Nobody understands.". From a past female coworker: "You're so skinny. Is it normal?". "Why are you going to the gym. Is it to lose weight?". I responded that it was to gain weight. I also remember some criticism from my grandpa but my memory isn't clear. I remember an old woman saying that I was very good-looking, then my grandpa said something about my weight like: "Yeah, yeah, but he has to strengthen".

Exploring My Relationship With My Body: Feeling Ugly There's a paradox with me: I know consciously that I am physically attractive as I got complicated by women in the past and noticed women's looks on me, but at the same time there's a part of me who feel ugly. There's a part of me who feels that I am the ugliest person on earth and the ugliest who will ever exist. This part feels extremely dirty and I can feel it in my stomach, there's a burning sensation in my stomach when I open up about this. Two body-image issues: Being Skinny: I was born with a quite skinny genetics. Because of that I was physically weaker than other boys when I was a kid/teenager and got bullied mostly verbally. Slight leg deformation: I have a slight deformation in my right leg that makes my leg naturally go outward. My right leg isn't naturally straight aligned so I need to force it a bit to make it look natural. Overall, this is not a big issue and not that much noticeable when I walk. I can walk, I can run, I can swim, I can do everything that I want with my legs.

Luck.

22 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:45 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:34 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ✅ No distractions until 8 PM ❌ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed (I did some raw self-expression instead)

I feel that I gained maturity after the agitation of the last week. I feel like I took 5 - 10 years in just one week. There's a part of me that feels quite mature even though I'm just 24 and lack many life experiences. I have been in many extremes in the past and tested out many things when it comes to how I should live life and my attitude towards it. I think that I'm getting to a point where I understand where to put my balance. I want to integrate everything that I learned in a healthy balanced way.

21 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:49 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:40 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation ❌ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed

I'm Not Late in Life I'm really not late in life, we can never be late in life, nobody is late in life but at the same time it's great to grow up early because we integrate lessons earlier, have more emotional mastery, and can be happier living life. In my case, I'm just where I am and I actually had some diverse experiences that make me advanced in some areas. I'm advanced in: Work and business: I got my first job at 20 and I started my first business at 22. Even though I lack some experience in more professional settings, I'm really good at my job and have a bit of experience with dealing with clients. I want to get completely financially independent, I have a plan for it, and I'm working on it. Thinking abilities: Thinking is my greatest asset, I developed my thinking abilities very quickly thanks to computer programming. Understanding of the world: Thanks to my exposition to some environments that were very different and thanks to Spiral Dynamics, I have a certain understanding of how human development works. Self-Introspection, Contemplation: I've been doing that naturally since I was a kid. It allowed me to understand many things about myself and about the world. I don't feel that I need a therapist that much — therapists that I went to disappointed me even though talking about issues to someone can help and can be relieving — I can analyze myself and fix myself. My awareness and intuition are also naturally very high. I'm currently mostly deficient in relationships and dating, but I'll sort that out. I also need to get my driving license, this is very important. After failing at everything in life for more than 20 years and making so many mistakes I'm starting to get an overview of all the basics. I noticed that this is how I function. I don't like to read instructions nor to follow rules that much (even though it can help so I should do that more), I like to experience things, I like to test every possibility to sort out what works best. Because of that, I'm particularly bad when I start new things, I take time, but at the same time I get a lot of original insights. Let's say that in a new discipline everyone starts at zero and gradually level up... well in my case I start at zero but fall down at -1, -2, -3, etc. then after having tested everything that doesn't work I start to level up + as I made so many mistakes I have so much knowledge that it makes my growth skyrocket, and I excel and get ahead. This is how it has always been for me. However, as it takes a lot of time I'm currently improving this by trusting my intuition more and more. My intuition is very accurate, I know that I can trust it. I'm currently learning to balance experiencing possibilities with intuition. It's time to integrate all the basics of life in a healthy balanced way.

Your thoughts?

I feel like shadow work and journaling about my traumas are currently much more powerful than breathwork. I'm going to replace my breathwork sessions on Thursdays and Sundays by shadow work and journaling.

Recognize that perfectionism is imperfect. True perfection is a delicate balance between high-quality work and some imperfections. You may have some traumas that are making you being a perfectionist, maybe something related to your parents or other persons in your life. You also probably feel some anxiety, fear, and/or sense of competition while working: inspect that, understand where it comes from, and heal that. Also, as you feel unfilled notice that you are far from being a perfectionist as your perfectionism is creating an unperfect unhappy life. You may need a better balance with more empty time to relax and random things. I have been a perfectionist in the past. I felt very egoistical when I was in this mindset and therefore attracted criticism from others because of my over-attention to details. Then I switched to the opposite side and did poor quality work that didn't help me. I'm now getting to a better and better balance.

20 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:25 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:39 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed It's getting hotter and the sun rises earlier so I'm changing my waking up and going to bed time to 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM and 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM.

Another Incremental Cycle I feel like I have been reliving my life in the past four years. I have been reliving what I experienced from 0 to mid 20 in four years from mid 20 to mid 24. I had a peak phase around 17 - mid 18, after that things started to crumble a bit and completely collapsed when I was at mid 20. It feels like another incremental cycle that I went through to learn some lessons and integrate things that weren't properly integrated from 0 to mid 20. Here are a few things that I learned: Work and Productivity: Work in a conscientious, balanced manner, be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to relax. I've either been a highly disciplined, highly organized person in the past and took it to the extreme to the point of having a mental breakdown or been a complete disorganized mess. The best thing is to have some rules, follow a schedule without being neurotic about it and break the rules a bit when needed. I want to work a bit less the last week of each month to have a bit more time to self-reflect and integrate the lessons of the month. Relationships: Relationships are important and I've been denying them too much in the past because of traumas and bad conditioning. Too many social interactions exhaust me, so the best thing for me is to have moderate social interactions except if I'm in a phase of life where I want to meet new people. It's fine to play the social game sometimes, if we are too much into it we may get trapped, but if we are aware of it it's fun. It's like playing a video game, it doesn't matter in the end, but it's enjoyable. People are extremely different, it isn't useful to expect them to have my values nor to judge/condemn them for not being like me. People are where they are and doing the best that they can, this is fine, and they all want is to be accepted as they are. Also, I have a collective responsibility and cannot live in isolation my entire life. Intimate Relationship: Again, I've been denying this too much because of traumas, bad conditioning, and psychological health. It is perfectly fine to seek an intimate relationship, a deep emotional connection, and sexual experiences. Health: As my mind is hyperactive, I need a lot of food, especially a lot of calories. This is fine for me to eat a lot as I don't take any weight. I need to be careful of aliments with FODMAP and not consume a lot of them as they can cause gut issues. Regarding exercise, the best thing is moderate exercise in the form of home workouts with a run each week, there's no need to kill myself at the gym as I did between 18 - 22. I don't have to be over-obsessed with my body. My body is fine, my body looks great, I want to be authentically myself. I have to continue working on my traumas and do healing work every week. Everything is incredibly interconnected when it comes to health. Life Purpose: It evolves all the time. A life purpose gives a sense of direction and helps moving up spiral stages, it is connected to someone's personal growth. In my case, a big life purpose is compelling and motivates me to work. It gives me a feeling of responsibility towards humanity, it helps me to be disciplined while still enjoying life. The Meaning of Life: Meaning is a feeling which means that we can feel meaningful by generating this feeling within ourselves. We can either put a negative meaning on our life and feel difficult emotions or put a positive meaning to it and feel positive emotions. It doesn't mean that we should avoid negative emotions, it just means that it helps to put a meaning as we feel that we live for something. Ultimately life has no meaning, but there's no need to be depressed about it, we can put a positive meaning to a meaningless life. Life is meaningfully meaningless, let's appreciate that deeply. I noticed that things changes in my life every ~2 years and that I also change environment each ~2 years. I currently feel that I'm exiting the Limbo phase and getting into a new Start.

19 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:15 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:47 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ❌ Breathwork (did meditation instead) ~ No distractions until 8 PM (Doesn't currently apply as I'm taking a break) ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed

One day the sun will die and take the earth with it. This is not avoidable. Relax and appreciate that because it will happen inevitably.

@soos_mite_ah You already are a cute, open, feminine girl with a beautiful smile! P-S: I'm learning how to flirt, I hope you don't mind lol.

I'm healing, this is phenomenal.