Raphael

I'm really not that smart. I'm in a period where I feel like a complete idiot... like the most idioctic that I felt in my entire life.

16 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:12 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:50 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ Breathwork ❌ No distractions until 8 PM ❌ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed

@soos_mite_ah Thank you. I appreciate your support.

Really insightful. Thank you. I was aware of that actually and had periods where I was expressing much more my vulnerabilities and my struggles. The problem that I had in my life is that most of my environments didn't allow me to do that + I felt pressure from certain individuals to just shut up.

I had some suicidal thoughts two days ago. It has been a long time since the previous time. Looks like my spiritual ego didn't appreciate this awakening, he wanted to take control back, he tried to fool me, but I'm getting more aware anyway.

I'm not a saint. I'm very far away from being a saint. Don't read this journal or follow me if you want a perfect saint.

15 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:28 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:42 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ❌ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed I'm currently having a break, I will not work for the rest of the week. I want to have some empty time to relax and to think.

I apologize if I caused harm to anyone here.

Thank you.

@Raphael Good. You are making some progress.

Radical Honesty /!\ Warning: This post is going to be very dirty. This is what I hide, this is what I have inside me. Some people and discussions on this forum trigger my traumas and shadows. Anyone that we see, meet, or talk to in life is a mirror of who we are, they either have qualities that we want or traits that we dislike in ourselves. I noticed that with the people that I come across in life. If you read this journal then they are things that reflect who you are here. Things that you like or admire and things that are repulsive to you. Brace yourself. I avoided digging in myself by writing small insightful posts in this journal. I don't like my country, but I got dragged back into it end of 2017 because I had some stage Blue shadow. I'm getting sick of being alone: I've been alone since 15. Even though I had a few periods where I made some friends and spent more time with people, I was still feeling alone and disconnected. I almost never got invited to a friend's place in my entire life. I convinced myself that I was better than everyone because I had the capacity to stay alone where I wasn't happy most of the time. I used my intellect, I hidden in my work and then hidden in spirituality to convince myself that I was superior to people. I had a huge intellectual ego and a huge spiritual ego. I had difficulties understanding people most of my life: I had difficulties understanding emotions. I had difficulties reading social cues and facial expressions. I couldn't decode people most of my life. I was way too direct and logical. I want a few trustworthy friends in my life (2 - 3) with which I can resonate intellectually and emotionally. I want some genuine friendship, however, as I always attracted a lot of criticism I'm distrustful of people. Even if a person is genuine, it's difficult for me to trust him/her. I'm careful with people, I feel some unsafety with people even if I'm not handicapped and can do everything that I want. I also want more opportunities to meet more diverse and interesting people. I didn't have any intimate relationship so far because: I was too insecure / too unstable and didn't want to cause any damage to a girl. I've always been shy around girls and this shyness is still something that I need to work through. I don't know how to flirt. I had serious body-image issues when I was a kid and teenager. When I was 14, a guy told a girl that if she loses a game she will have to kiss me... this is how disgusting/inferior some people perceived me. Even though I now know that many girls find me physically attractive, I still feel ugly internally. I got badly conditioned by my dad regarding relationships. I always had the feeling from him that it was something bad. Even though I'm pretty aware of women's difficulties I also got very bad masculine examples. I absorbed some conditioning despite me. Overall, I'll say that I'm doing much better compared to 80% of other guys, but I want to completely clear out this conditioning. I won't get into a relationship without doing that. I'm pretty conscious of the difficulties of women because I have a great sister and a great mother + I also had a quality education. Most of the time I take the defense of women, however, I see some resentment inside me at the same time. This resentment is here because I never felt attractive while growing up nor taken seriously by girls. Most of the time when girls were flirting with me I felt like I was a "test guy" to train themselves. I don't want a girl to see how dirty I am. This is basically fear of vulnerability. I'm not sure who I am supposed to be as a man. I never found any girl that I find physically attractive + resonate with emotionally + resonate with intellectually. I don't know how to create an appropriate work/personal development/relationship balance. Also, this is more something that annoys me here, but as I mixed-race person I receive a lot of projections and it also happens with women: Considering that I live in a country where most people are people of color and my skin tone is lighter than average, I don't like to be perceived by women of color as the white guy who can provide money or being put on a pedestal. For white women, I don't want to be labeled as middle-eastern, Indian, or black (because for some white people anything that is not white is black) Stop trying to figure out my ethnicity because I don't have any. I have been stuck in my parent's house for almost two years now: My reason to get back to my family home was to create my first business because it was too much work for me aside from my main job. However, as I was emotionally unstable I made very little money the first year but my parents didn't know it. I hidden it, I was ashamed of it, and I hated myself. Things got better the second year (this year), however, I'm still afraid of quitting this home not because my parents have a lot of work with the animals, but because I'm afraid that I don't make enough money if I go out by myself. The fear is a bit irrational because I made money almost all months of this year and I made enough to sustain myself. I don't genuinely care about my parents. I don't help them that much. I just take the dogs for a walk every day, that's all. When my grandma was there, I didn't help my mom 95% of the time even though she was taking a heavy emotional charge. I avoided responsibility, I didn't help that much my mom when my grandma was having her huge emotional outrages. I was afraid of her (and also unstable myself). Whether I move out or not I feel selfish. I feel selfish if I move out because I feel that I'm not helping my parents as they are old. I feel selfish if I stay because I feel that I'm taking advantage of the situation as I'm not helping them that much. I'm in a situation that is not good enough for me to self-develop but not bad enough to motivate me to quit. My dad isn't as bad as he used to be even if he is still annoying and loud, and often says some hateful stuff and some racist stuff. As I stay stuck in my bedroom most of the time I'm avoiding him. The situation is too comfortable to grow, I cannot grow without changing my environment. People who convinced themselves that they grow without changing their environment are deluding themselves. Internalized Racism As a mixed-race person, I always thought I could never have any racism inside me but as they are so many of it in this world I absorbed a bit of it. Even though most people in my family have dark skin, I noticed myself having a better view of white people. I think that I'm doing it because my interactions with white people have been much better so far than with people of color. Of course, I'm conscious that they are environmental forces behind this and things like colonization. I'm just acknowledging it within myself. Concerning women, I noticed myself perceiving white women as having more value than women of color. This is linked to the previous point because I had better experiences with white people. The western world is spirally more developed so in terms of values it's easier to find stage Green+ western women compared to women from other backgrounds. I'm conscious that white beauty standards are over-represented in the world so there's a lot of cultural brainwashing. The only little thing that can contradict this is that light colors attract eyes more easily. I did an experiment and watched more porn with women of color and I noticed that my mind started to perceive things differently. I got more attracted to women of color. So overall, I consider beauty standards to just be brainwashing. I'm only noticing biases within myself here. When it comes to dating I'm not cutting women based on ethnicity, what interests me the most is that she can relate to me. The first step to resolve a problem is to acknowledge that it exists. It feels great to do this publicly, it helps me to open up and to be more vulnerable. I won't hide anything anymore, I want to be 100% open and vulnerable here. I tried to skip steps on this journey, I want to be in touch with where I am. This is why there can be controversies in spiritual and religious communities and why many spiritual people can be very selfish: people want to be spiritual without addressing root issues. I'm trying to be more conscious of my usage of this forum, there can be a lot of dirtiness here (like inside me). I many time feels better by not reading this forum, the quality of information that we consume is important. I'm also a bit more critical of Leo compared to before, I'm trying to have more discernment when reading his posts and listening to him. An over-obsession with truth is a bias and an over-emphasis on it creates an imbalance that damages the whole. It's similar when people are over-obsessed with freedom, it creates an imbalance and ultimately hurts. In the next centuries when societies will be more automatized and psychedelics will be more accessible, some regulations will have to be made so that people don't become over-obsessed truth seekers. It's all a question of balance.

14 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:55 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:10 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No distractions until 8 PM ❌ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed

You are an incredible human being. I'm giving you all the love to succeed on your journey.

Radical honesty incoming.

Green put a lot of emphasis on authenticity and expression of emotions. Let's get back into that and dive deeper.

Personal Development Fluctuation 16 to 20: I'll say that I was very Green already at 16 regarding my views on the world because of how idealist I was, however, I was emotionally closed and didn't know about spirituality and emotional healing. When I was 16 a guy read what was written on my t-shirt, then I told him that I didn't even read that myself and he told me: "And if it was written gay on your t-shirt?". In my mind, I was like: "So what's the problem if it's written gay or if I'm gay?". When I was 18, I moved to a different country and experienced an existential crisis because the world felt very different for me. I was trying to make sense. I was walking and observing people and things around me I was asking myself: "What is all of this? What does this mean? Why are things that way? What does it mean. This is just... This is just... nothing". Around the same time, I also discovered actualized.org, the first video that I saw was "30 Ways Society Fucks You In The Ass" and literally everything resonated with me especially Leo's style. This is also how I got into personal development and learned about meditation and other basic things. I started questioning everything, everyone, and especially myself. I started analyzing myself, reflecting, and understanding my past actions. I was basically healing and doing shadow work without knowing about it. I became much more emotionally open around 19 - 20 and started to express myself more. I made some friends, had some good moments and it felt great. Overall I'll say that I was mostly Green when it comes to my political views but had some Orange competitiveness in me and some Blue and Red shadows which explain why I took a so huge backslash after that. 20 to 22: I had a backslash so huge that it felt like a slap that made my head do a 360° rotation. I first got into a stage Red/Orange/Blue environment that dragged me into toxic Orange. I was annoyed by how hypersexual people were at the first office because of my lack of experience, annoying by the moral bullying, annoying by the lack of consideration of my feelings, annoying of being accused of being "bad", annoying of being considered as a piece of shit because I was the youngest person. I responded negatively with bitterness but of course, I was bad for doing it because I was the youngest where it was OK when others were doing it. I choose to shut up and emotionally closed myself to everyone. After three months, I gave a huge fuck you to my boss by telling him "I quit". He exploded in outrage and put emotional pressure on me the finish the project fast, then he stopped talking to me. On the last day, he tried to hold me back because I was doing some great work, but I didn't take him into consideration. He couldn't hold me back anyway because I was an undeclared worker, he didn't want to create a contract to avoid taxes. He told me that to declare me he would have to reduce my salary where I wasn't already paid that much. The second office was a very solid stage Blue environment. People were afraid of everything, afraid of self-expression, afraid of any criticism. They couldn't take any jokes, the smallest joke that I would make would make them shake. I felt oppressed, I felt like I had no right for self-expression. I felt lost, I felt disoriented, I felt confused. Some people had overaggressive reactions when I would point out some issues or when I would ask some questions (of course I wasn't perfect and was egoistic sometimes too. I was nitpicking sometimes without being conscious of it.). I got into low Red (because I was very angry), some toxic Blue, and toxic Orange. I couldn't handle the social pressure and conformity, I pushed myself, I worked like a mule all day and all nights and I almost killed myself. Sometimes I was all alone at night in my small apartment and was in deep fear, I was experiencing panic attacks. I was shaking, my hands were shaking, my body was shaking, I was thirsty, I had difficulties breathing, I many times felt that I was dying. I had no one to relate to and didn't want to ask for help because of that + I had a too strong toxic Orange ego and was too much individual. After all the previous experiences, I finally started to calm down a bit and to be kinder to myself. Things started to get better even if I suffered enormously, felt misunderstood, felt confused, felt inadequate to this world. My self-esteem was at one of its lowest points in my life. I accepted the rules of my environment and choose to play with them rather than fight against them and it helped me feel better. Leo's videos also helped me a lot, especially the videos on Spiral Dynamics. They helped me make sense of what was happening to me and I started to intellectually get into Yellow and to be less judgmental of people. 23: I was very unstable. I was getting started as a freelancer but because my self-esteem was so low I choose to work with clients who didn't pay that much. I made very little money the first year and basically got exploited by people living all around the world. I was repressing my emotions too much and it wasn't healthy. Things got better when I started a Self-Esteem program + learned about Emotional Healing. Magically, I started to find better clients who paid me much more and I started to make more money than I ever made in my life while working less than before. 24: I currently feel fine most of the time. I'm not depressed, I have a bit of regular anxiety without being overly anxious. I noticed some sadness when talking with people that I resonate with, it's probably due to traumas related to self-expression and how much isolated I have been. I can experience other difficult emotions sometimes but that's life + everyone experiences some difficult emotions from time to time. I can deal with them healthily and it doesn't affect anybody around me. I'm getting back in the authenticity and emotional expression of Green while at the same time having some Yellow intellectual traits + I'm getting deeper in emotional healing and deconstructing/reprogramming my mind. Overall, I'm healthy and I'm improving.

13 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:38 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:19 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ❌ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed

12 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:27 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:30 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ Breathwork ~ No distractions until 8 PM (Doesn't apply on Sunday) ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed

My environment is so limited. I'm lost in the middle of nowhere, there are just so few opportunities around me.

I feel like what I shared in bold might be fucked. That's fine. I'm in the thought maturation process + I need more knowledge + I have things to work through here.

Thought Maturity Process I noticed a common pattern in all thought processes. They are several steps that our thoughts go through if we keep questioning and stay open-minded. Here's how it goes for any subject: Focus on one side and consider that it is true. Realize that the previous side isn't true and switch to the opposite side. Focus on the opposite side and thinks that it this true. Realize that the opposite side isn't true. Realize that they are kernels of truth to be integrated from all sides. Integrate both sides to get a nuanced perspective.

11 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:53 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:10 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ❌ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed Didn't sleep well so I took the day off today.

Also, crying feels great, I just cried a bit. My ability to cry is getting better and better, I have been unable to cry in the past.

My brain is repairing after the traumas of the last few years. I can feel it, I can better use my prefrontal cortex.

I didn't watch the video, but here are my thoughts so far: Why they are incels on this forum: Some of the most popular actualized.org videos are videos about Sex & Relationships. Even if they are old, these videos probably still continue to get a lot of views compared to new videos because everyone is obsessed with sex. Most people who search for these videos are people who struggle in this area, otherwise, they wouldn't search for them because they would already have proper relationships. In these people, there is a percentage of them who are dysfunctional young men with misogynistic views on women (incels). Leo as the authority often has a hypermasculine approach and uses vulgar language, therefore incels resonate with that and get attracted to this forum and throw their toxic views here. Incels here are a manifestation of Leo's shadows: his difficulties regarding relationships and women when he was younger. Also, deep spirituality at a too young age can be an escape from responsibility. It creates shadows because people don't fix basic life issues, but want to appear highly spiritually evolved. I'm calling this toxic spirituality. Why incels exist: We are in the digital era where the easiest things to do are: watch TV and browse the internet. Because of that people tend to stay at home and get quickly isolated + there is currently a pandemic. Hypersexualization of women: young men who are isolated and don't have healthy feminine figures around them have very little understanding of women. They often see women portraited in hypersexualized ways on mainstream ads, mainstream TV shows, mainstream movies, mainstream video games, therefore only perceive them as sex objects. Sexual liberation has come too far (my view here might be a bit fucked, tell me if you think that this is the case): sexual repression is an issue that is still present, but it looks like there's also one with sexual liberation when it goes too far. When it goes too far, some people get trapped into the idea that they should have sex at all costs and have sex with the most partner possible. Incels who are most of the time in the beginning only average isolated guys get ashamed that they don't have that much sex and start to fall in a downward spiral of shame. They then project their shame as hate on online forums. Toxic masculine beauty standards: in the most popular movies, TV shows, and video games the ideal masculine beauty standard is portraited as a guy with big muscles who can protect women. Most guys aren't like that, but as incels consume a lot of this content they get convinced that this is what they should look like and hide in shame because they cannot attain these standards. Regarding envy: I'll say here that this is a normal emotion and that this is normal if it becomes stronger because of lack of sexual experience. However, I noticed that hypersexualization can amplify this and create shame. Here's a metaphor: I cannot envy ice cream if I never tasted ice cream, however, I can if I already tasted ice cream in the past and if I'll envy it stronger if they are a lot of ice cream around me and cannot get them. I feel that hypersexualization can make the feeling of envy stronger and this is not healthy. In my case, I noticed that I crave less sex when they aren't hypersexualized images of women around me even though I still have my cravings. Some incels were born with mental health issues and/or physical disabilities / uncommon traits and are seen as much less attractive than average people and therefore have more difficulties. Most of the time I'll say that incels are a manifestation of toxic stage Orange. I personally can emphasize with incels a bit because I feel that if just a few tiny things didn't happen in my life, I could have been one of them. Here's my story: I was born with a skinny genetics because of that I got bullied and humiliated a lot for being physically weaker than other guys. I was also always lost in my head, had some natural shyness, and therefore wouldn't react as people would expect and attract criticism. I got criticized by men, women, family members, teachers, and because of that choose to self-isolate to avoid all the hate that I would receive. I was basically all alone at 15 and coped by playing video games. Around 16-17, I had enough and got the desire to grow and to succeed so I self-educated myself, I took school more seriously and it helped me to get better in life. I did have some resentment towards the opposite sex because I got mocked by girls and because no girl that I knew found me attractive. However, I had great feminine figures around me: a great mother and a great sister with who I spent a lot of time + I had a liberal education where we discussed gender issues in class. Thanks to these feminine figures and my education, I was conscious of the difficulties of women and didn't fall into pure stereotyping. I was in a weird position where I had some resentment, but at the same time was conscious of women's issues and would prefer to take position for women because the masculine examples that I had were ultra toxic. Currently, I still have things to work through here. One of the reasons that incels trigger me is because I experienced similar difficulties but maybe not to the same degree. Overall, I think that these people need serious psychological help/re-education.