Raphael

29 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 05:55 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:21 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ❌ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed (Did 30 minutes)

The best opportunity (and one of the only opportunities) that I have to meet new people who resonate with me a minimum and build a social circle is to get back in touch with this friend. He was supposed to contact me this month but still hasn't. If he doesn't contact me at a point, I'll contact him. I would love to move to a big city in another country but Covid is blocking me. Also, the Sinopharm vaccine isn't accepted in most European countries. For the moment and I don't know for how long, I'm basically trapped like Robinson Crusoe.

Some people are just way more advanced than me I have to admit it. It's important that I stay real to where I am, I have things to work on at all SD stages.

28 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:05 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:43 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ✅ No distractions until 8 PM ❌ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed (Did 30 minutes)

I'm currently getting back to my best self.

I failed enormously but at the same time I acquired enormous experience. I currently feel that I'm at the beginning of an exponential growth. Things are going to go BOOM!

I had an interaction with a woman at the post office more than a week ago. She was working there. I wasn't thinking of anything but she looked happy interacting with me, she was smiling and laugh without any reason at a moment. I didn't do anything special, I didn't crack a joke, but I just let myself being authentic. At the end of the interaction, she asked me if I'll come back for another procedure. I put zero effort into it, it was completely effortless. I just let myself be.

I think that many times my ego is sabotaging me. I perfectly know everything that I want in life, what to do and how to be. I can feel it, this is what being authentic is. Being authentic feels natural, effortless, and perfect. I perfectly know how to be social. I perfectly know how to flirt. I perfectly know how to attract women. I perfectly know how to get shit done. I perfectly know the physical activities that are appropriate to me. I perfectly know what is important for me and what isn't. I perfectly know the decisions that I need to take. I know all of these things, and they are completely effortless when I let myself be. I can feel them inside me because this is how I am when I am authentic. I just have to let myself be. The more I'm clearing my traumas, the more I am in touch with myself, the more authentic I am, the more effortless and natural my life is.

27 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:08 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:46 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ❌ No distractions until 8 PM ❌ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed I procrastinated quite a bit in the evening. That's fine, it happens. I'm improving every day anyway.

Some Criticism of The US What do I think about the US? Well... to be honest, I don't have that many positive things to say. I don't know a lot about the US so my opinion is limited and probably flawed. I'll say that I like the fact that the country is huge and have a lot of diversity in it. I also like the number of opportunities in this country and I like the craziness that I feel from the US. Finally, I like that there is a lot of nature... and that's basically everything. Aside from that, many things look alarming for me: I feel that something like the top 10% are very powerful and merciless people who have no shame in exploiting the people below them and who create very harsh conditions for them. I feel that excessive capitalism and competition create a very unbalanced society where most people live in fear despite this country being the most powerful country on the planet. Way too much materialistic: People look obsessed with physical appearance of things and physical appearance of other people. Hypersexualization: It seems that because of hypersexualization many people have huge body-image issues which help the beauty industry to make money. Sex and beauty seem to be used as marketing weapons. This doesn't look healthy. Health crisis: it looks like many people have health issues because of the typical mainstream diet. It also looks like many people have mental health issues. Health care system: this looks highly corrupted by capitalism. I don't understand how something like free health care for everybody is considered progressive. Even where I live there is free health care for everybody and it was that way before I was born. College prices: I don't know the prices, but I read that they were very high. College should be a ladder to life, not a weight for life. This should be completely free. Lack of education: I have the sensation that many people are so convinced that the US is the best country in the world that they lost interest to educate themselves on anything else. I saw people from the US on the internet thinking that the US was the only country on the planet. Harsh working conditions: not that much to say here, except that capitalism looks pushed to the extreme. People are treated like machines who are supposed to work 24/7. I feel that many of them don't have enough breaks from work. Racism: I never realized how much of an issue it was before joining this forum. The amount of oppression towards non-white people and especially people of color, and especially black people look insane. I watched a video one day and in this video, a black girl was explaining to her boyfriend's white mom that she was afraid that his mom wouldn't like her because she was black... I was expecting better from a developed country. Also, the George Floyd case revealed for me a lot about the situation there. Gun violence: the amount of gun shootings is alarming for me. This is far higher than any other developed nation. I remember one day seeing a video of kids practicing an exercise at school in case of shooting would happen... I was like... is this normal? In the most powerful nation on earth kids go to school and are afraid of being killed? I wondered why the US was considered a developed country in the past. It's looks developed from the outside, but when we look deeper, when we observe how average people live there, something feels wrong. Many people seem to live in deep fear and have difficulties going through life that we don't normally see in other developed nations.

Racism in the US Even though I did see some racism while growing up I think that I never realized how big it was in the US and in this world before joining this forum. As most people here are from the US, I started to get more interested in the politics there without going too deep. Also, the Trump mandate blew me away. I couldn't understand how something like this was possible before learning more about Spiral Dynamics. One thing that I noticed about people from the US is that someone's race is inserted in a lot of sentences even when it doesn't matter. It's like a way of living there. It's quite interesting.

Racism in the US Even though I did see some racism while growing up I think that I never realized how big it was in the US and in this world before joining this forum. As most people here are from the US, I started to get more interested in the politics there without going too deep. Also, the Trump mandate blew me away. I couldn't understand how something like this was possible before learning more about Spiral Dynamics. One thing that I noticed about people from the US is that someone's race is inserted in a lot of sentences even when it doesn't matter. It's like a way of living there. It's quite interesting.

@Rilles I meant a video to check his narcissistic level. My dad is also a narcissist. When I was between 4 - 8 years old he slapped me in the face just because I was in his way. However, he did grow a lot and he is getting closer to a decent person, I'm currently putting him at 4/10 on the narcissistic scale. It's a bit easier for me to heal now, I guess that it will take more time for you.

To which degree is he narcissistic? Where would you put him on a scale from 1 to 10? Can you find a video of a similar person so that I can see?

Try to inspect yourself, inspect past events, try to understand the other person, try to see similarities between you and the other person (you both lack self-esteem for example), change the meaning and healing will start to happen progressively. Journaling can be very useful. Also, if you meet this person again and can talk to him/her a bit (just a few tiny words), can have more compassion and acceptance while being around this person then you'll know that you are healing.

What I noticed is that no matter what I read there is nobody throwing emotions at me which means that the difficult emotions are generated from inside. What I'm trying to do is to feel the emotions fully, heal (because these comments are helping to heal) and then get to a point where I can read them without being impacted by them. Also, reading them with a different tone of voice may help.

No.

I want to slow down a bit while doing this. I want to take more time to re-read the previous posts, to analyze, self-reflect, make the meaning evolve, understand, and ultimately heal.

I think that the reason why bullying almost never went physical for me was because of the quality of the schools. The schools that I went to were privileged schools for privileged people — even though I wasn't privileged and was feeling a bit different — because of that most kids had a better upbringing than average kids so they were less prone to engage in physical violence.

Exploring My Relationship With My Body: A Feeling of Unsafety + Social Anxiety I remember not feeling safe while going to school because I had a weaker body and because of the amount of criticism that I was getting on my body. I remember being on guard, I remember checking behind me in case of someone would try to target me. I guess that this is the same feeling that women experience while walking in the street: women don't feel safe, they are always on guard. I can relate to that. This feeling of unsafety contributed to me developing social anxiety, it made me feel alienated, it made me feel afraid of the world. I remember a few experiences that I think were caused by me having a weaker body and by low self-esteem: Being Trapped in Middle School When I was 8 or 9 in middle school, I was just walking in the school when two boys came around me. One of them caught me from behind so I couldn't move. He was really tall and much more muscular than me. The second one came in front of me and tried to grab my feet. I tried to defend myself, I didn't let him grab my feet. After some moments of agitation, they finally gave up and let me walk away. I remember being in the middle of the schoolyard, I remember everyone staring at me. I remember feeling publicly humiliated, I remember feeling ashamed of being weak. I didn't want people to look at me, I wanted to hide, I wanted to escape. I didn't get physically beaten, but I still got traumatized. In my mind, I was like: "Just wtf happened? I'm just walking and people are attacking me." A Bit of Agitation in The Library I was peacefully reading in the library when I was 13 when again some boys targeted me. It didn't go physical again, but it was still a bit traumatizing. I was wearing a hoodie and one of them covered my head with the hood, then a third boy came and took my defense. The third boy was also a bully, but he never really bullied me that much, this time he just told to one of the other guys: "Hey, come on, he only has his skin on his bones, let him". I'm honestly thankful for this boy even if he wasn't an example most of the time. Again, I felt humiliated, I felt ashamed, I felt weak. And again I was just wondering wtf happened. I wasn't doing anything, I was only reading peacefully, but these boys targeted me. A Bit of Agitation During The Sport Class I was experiencing some moral bullying during a sports class when I was 14. I don't remember what these boys were saying, but they were mocking me and I remember not feeling safe. They were just around me making fun of me. As I wasn't feeling safe, I remember putting my right arm in front of me in a defensive way. While I was doing this, I remember one of them mocking me even more. I don't remember what happened after that, but I know that it didn't go physical. I was afraid, I didn't want to be attacked, I was trying to defend myself, I felt humiliated.

An Insight On My Dad: He is Here to Help I had an insight about my dad while doing the shadow work session. This insight is: my dad wants to help, is here to help, and my father's sub-personality inside me wants to help me. It feels like I'm turning to my dad to help me. As young as 4 years old, my dad always told me to let him know if anyone bullies me at school. He wanted to protect me, but as he was over-protective and had a lot of anger and impulsiveness I cut him out of my life by stop talking to him. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I often paired with hypermasculine guys in the past: because they reminded me of my dad, because I wanted to feel protected as I didn't felt safe. Maybe that's also one of the reasons why I'm living in my parent's house, maybe it's because even though my dad is a difficult person to live with he always cared about me and wanted to protect me in the end. I feel some safety in this house but at the same time some unsafety as I'm a bit afraid of openly expressing myself in front of my dad. As my dad always had a lot of inner conflicts, I declined his help. This is why I don't want help because help reminds me of the help that my dad tried to give me. As he was very conflicted his help felt oppressive to me, but he couldn't help himself. This is also why I don't want to help anybody: because help feels selfish. The one who tried to help me the most was my dad but as he had a lot of impulsiveness and anger inside him his help felt selfish, it felt like I had no right to do anything. In consequence, I feel that helping is selfish, I feel that I have no right to do anything because I'm preventing myself to help the world. However, my dad did the best that he could. He had a lot of difficulties helping in a healthy way, but he did the best that he could. I forgive you dad. Not helping is a protection mechanism within me. I don't want to help because I see help as selfish because this is how it always felt when my dad tried to help me. I'm overprotecting myself as my dad overprotected me, I'm damaging myself just like he damaged me. We are both acting in a very similar way. We are the same. By not helping I'm selfish too. I couldn't be alive today without people who helped me and people who raised me - in an imperfect way, ok - but raised me anyway. These people did the best that they could. This is natural to help others, so I'm letting myself being natural and helpful to others. My father self is trying to help my child self inside me. He wants to nurture my child self, he wants him to grow, he wants him to become a man. My father self inside me wants the best for my child self inside me. I'm allowing my father self to help my child self and I'm also opening up my child self so that he can give feedbacks to my father self who do the efforts to listen to my child self to help him best. I'm letting my father self helping my child self and my child-self is opening up. My father self and my child self are now communicating together, they are helping each other, working together, growing together, and healing together.

Thank you, thank you. I appreciate

@Raphael I forgive you for being so dumb! Everyone is dumb from time to time, it happens, it's fine.

The Stupidest Thing That I Did The stupidest thing that I did was when I was 19 or maybe just turned 20. I was consuming personal development content and Leo's videos for more than a year and I had the opportunity to do a speech in an amphitheater in English. I was super excited as I loved public speaking and because I had so many new ideas from personal development. So... I did a motivational/idealist speech ala Tony Robbins which explains how everyone is a slave of its mind and who puts forward idealist stage Green values to create peace in the world and who demonize capitalism and religions. I basically explained how we could change the world by just changing our minds and... by meditating every day for just 20 minutes! Lol. I even did a 3 - 5 minutes guided meditation at the end to show people how good they can feel by just meditating a bit and calming the mind. Oh God, I cringe as I'm writing this. That was just so fucking dumb, I'm cringing so much. In the end, I'll say that most people liked the presentation because they applauded a lot. Some people gave me positive feedback and told me that it was awesome. My teacher told me that she was impressed by the quality of the presentation and two other teachers came to me to ask me some questions. However, I also noticed that some people were laughing and that others were nonreactive, looked annoyed, even some friends. It bugged me when I noticed that and I started to think: "Why are they reacting that way? Don't everyone agree with me that religion is bullshit, that capitalism is destroying the world and that we can change everything by changing our mindset?". I think that it was the first time that I got a hint of stage Yellow and of how multi-perspectival the world is. Overall, I'll say that even if my public speaking abilities were really good and the presentation was good I was a complete fool. I tried to push a mix of stage Orange/Green values on everyone which explains some of the reactions. It looked similar to what Greta Thunberg did here: