Raphael

Exploring My Relationship With My Body: Leg Deformation I got some comments and mockeries regarding my legs too, but much less than my skinny body: When I was a very young kid, I remember my mom speaking with me or maybe someone else (possibly an aunt) and she was explaining the first time that she become aware that I had a leg deformation. She was saying something like this: "I was looking at Raphael while he was running and his legs were going outward. I said to (someone), hey look at Raphael, look at his legs, this is not normal". It wasn't a criticism nor an attack but as I was extremely young it did hurt my self-esteem. I remember feeling that something was wrong with me, I remember feeling abnormal, feeling inadequate. Small judgments like this can badly hurt a very little kid, but my mom wasn't aware of it. My mom was only explaining what she saw, she was concerned about me, she cared about me. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I don't like people to care about me because I felt attacked when someone cared about me when I was a young kid. This is highly possible. This is not an issue if someone cares about me, if someone cares about me it means that someone appreciates me. This is perfectly normal to care about the people that we like even though over-caring creates dysfunction as it doesn't allow someone to use its mind. It's fine mom, you have the right to care about me. It also applies to anyone else who appreciates me, it's fine and I can appreciate somebody back by saying "Thank you". This is what living in a society is about, in a healthy society people care about each other. From a boy when I was around 6 - 7: "Your legs go outward when you run!". This boy actually had a similar issue to me so it felt pretty dumb when he criticized me on that, I responded to him: "Yes and you too!". I felt attacked, I felt unsafe. I didn't understand why someone would criticize me on my body. I think that he was insecure and was projecting his insecurity on me as he had a very similar issue. My teacher was just behind me when I responded to this boy and she said something like this to me: "Hey! Raphael!". I didn't' understand her response because I didn't attack this kid, he was the one who attacked me, I was just defending myself. I think that she didn't hear what the other kid said nor what I exactly responded, she probably only perceived me as being a bit verbally abusive without understanding my situation. I think that I felt that I didn't have the right to defend myself and that it was abnormal to defend myself when someone attacks me. Well... no this is not abnormal, this is perfectly normal for someone to defend himself if someone attacks him, however, it is context-dependent and there is a mature way to handle these situations that I am conscious of as an adult. In some situations, we do have to defend ourselves and fight back, but in most situations, we can just accept the other person and have compassion because the other person is suffering and respond something like "Alright, alright. Ok. Are you OK? Are you fine? How do you feel.". This is the mature approach. In middle school, I was running during a sports class while two girls were running behind me and mocking me because of my legs. My legs were probably going a bit outward but I wasn't conscious enough to make the extra effort that I needed to make (because of the deformation) to keep them straight. I felt ridiculed, I felt humiliated, I felt abnormal, I was afraid, I felt like an inferior human being. I think that I might have a bit of resentment against these girls inside me. I think that this event had a big impact on my body-image issues, I think that I started to be much more careful and fearful of how people would perceive my body after this event. I was in Paris in 2017 and I was walking with an uncle, he asked me a question about my leg: "Your leg go outward, what is going on?". I wasn't aware of it and I think that it wasn't a big thing, but he questioned me anyway. It annoyed me a bit and I responded: "It's just a natural deformation, I was born with that, I cannot do anything". My uncle didn't attack me, it didn't felt like a personal attack but like a simple question. He was just curious, people ask questions when they see some unusual thing but it annoyed me anyway because I got a lot of criticism on my body. That's fine, people are just curious and ask questions.

Exploring My Relationship With My Body: Being Skinny Most criticism, mockeries, hate, and rude comments that I got were about me being skinny. Here is everything that I can remember: From an uncle, while shaking my hand: "Oooh. Look at this hand hehe. How is he going to be a construction worker?". From an uncle discussing with one of my parents: "You need to do something for Raphael, he needs to go to the gym.". From a good friend: When I was in an amphitheater as a kid and didn't want to force open a retractable table because I was afraid of breaking it: "You don't have any strength". After a class when the teacher gave us instructions on how to calculate our BMI: "You're just way too skinny". My BMI was around 14 - 15 when I was 14, it caused me harm. "Ah Raphael, why aren't you like your dad.". My dad was the complete opposite of me, he had a hyper-muscular masculine body that many men fantasize about and who perfectly fit masculine ideals. Because of that I experienced enormous shame for not being as strong and muscular as my dad. From a past cousin that I didn't saw after a long time: "Hey Raphael, you're still skinny like this?" From a woman,after I failed to close the sliding door of the school van: "What is happening? You can't close the door? You don't have any strength?" From a friend's older sister while I was helping him move a desk: "Is it OK Raphael? Are you fine? Do you need a break?". Yes, I was fine, I was able to move this desk, I wasn't going to die. I have the capacity to move weights. From a girl that responded to the question "What are we going to do?" from another kid when we were in a classroom while the teacher wasn't here for a few minutes: "Arm wrestle! Ophelia vs. Raphael! Ophelia is going to win". It made me feel inferior considering that masculine standards always expect men have larger bodies than women. From a girl that I was playing with as a kid who touch my right shoulder and felt my bone: "Burk.". From a guy at the swimming pool: "The tall guy". He probably qualified me like this because I was tall and skinny. I didn't like to have a nickname, I felt judged on my physical appearance. From a woman telling to my mom: "He is tall". I didn't like that because it reminded me of other criticism on my body and I felt judged. From a man: "You're very tall". I didn't like that because it reminded me of other criticism on my body and I felt judged. From a boy that I met when I was at a swimming pool in France: "You're so skinny, you look like an asparagus". "Are you anorexic? Do you eat? Is it normal to be so skinny?". Yes, I was eating perfectly normally. From a high-school teacher while I was eating a big piece of bread: "You need to eat more Raphael". I didn't like that because I knew that she said that because she was judging my body. From a girl when I was in middle school: "Hey, can I see your hand? Oooh. It's so tiny". I was in a gymnastic class when I was around 13 and a girl asked me to hold her legs while she was doing a headstand, however, I wasn't sure of the amount of strength that I should use. Because of that I failed at holding her legs and she responded to me: "What is happening? You don't have any strength?". I felt some shame. From a girl when I was in high school: "Raphael are you skinny from everywhere?". From a guy when I was in high school: "You look like a sugar cane!" From a guy when I was in high school: "You don't have a leg you, you have a bone.". From a guy when I was in high school: "Look at his leg. His leg looks like my arm.". From a guy when I was in high school and when students were doing blood donations: "Hey, don't try, don't try cause if you try you're going to die!". From a guy when I was in high school during a gym class when I was trying to do a headstand and was having difficulties: "There's too much wind!". From a girl who sat on me when I was in high school: "Hey! I didn't break his legs!" From a tourist on the beach: "Your hands... they look like a girl’s hands.". From someone that I don't remember when I was a kid: "Your legs are like chopsticks". From my dad: "You need to move out, you need to do some sport, it's normal that you are so skinny if you don't move.". True, it would have been wise to exercise more but with all the criticisms that I was getting, I just wanted to hide and play video games. From a girl in the school bus: "His legs are very tall". It wasn't really a criticism but I didn't like it anyway because I felt judged on my body. From a boy who was a few years younger than me in the school bus and who was analyzing how skinny I was: "But... but... even my leg is bigger than your leg." From a boy when I was in middle school who asked me about my weight: "This is not normal. How can this be normal? I personally weigh 56 kg". My weight was maybe around 45 kg - 48 kg. From a past male coworker: "How is it that he is so skinny even though he eats so much? He looks like a sugar cane stick. Nobody understands.". From a past female coworker: "You're so skinny. Is it normal?". "Why are you going to the gym. Is it to lose weight?". I responded that it was to gain weight. I also remember some criticism from my grandpa but my memory isn't clear. I remember an old woman saying that I was very good-looking, then my grandpa said something about my weight like: "Yeah, yeah, but he has to strengthen".

Exploring My Relationship With My Body: Feeling Ugly There's a paradox with me: I know consciously that I am physically attractive as I got complicated by women in the past and noticed women's looks on me, but at the same time there's a part of me who feel ugly. There's a part of me who feels that I am the ugliest person on earth and the ugliest who will ever exist. This part feels extremely dirty and I can feel it in my stomach, there's a burning sensation in my stomach when I open up about this. Two body-image issues: Being Skinny: I was born with a quite skinny genetics. Because of that I was physically weaker than other boys when I was a kid/teenager and got bullied mostly verbally. Slight leg deformation: I have a slight deformation in my right leg that makes my leg naturally go outward. My right leg isn't naturally straight aligned so I need to force it a bit to make it look natural. Overall, this is not a big issue and not that much noticeable when I walk. I can walk, I can run, I can swim, I can do everything that I want with my legs.

Luck.

22 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:45 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:34 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ✅ No distractions until 8 PM ❌ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed (I did some raw self-expression instead)

I feel that I gained maturity after the agitation of the last week. I feel like I took 5 - 10 years in just one week. There's a part of me that feels quite mature even though I'm just 24 and lack many life experiences. I have been in many extremes in the past and tested out many things when it comes to how I should live life and my attitude towards it. I think that I'm getting to a point where I understand where to put my balance. I want to integrate everything that I learned in a healthy balanced way.

21 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:49 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:40 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation ❌ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed

I'm Not Late in Life I'm really not late in life, we can never be late in life, nobody is late in life but at the same time it's great to grow up early because we integrate lessons earlier, have more emotional mastery, and can be happier living life. In my case, I'm just where I am and I actually had some diverse experiences that make me advanced in some areas. I'm advanced in: Work and business: I got my first job at 20 and I started my first business at 22. Even though I lack some experience in more professional settings, I'm really good at my job and have a bit of experience with dealing with clients. I want to get completely financially independent, I have a plan for it, and I'm working on it. Thinking abilities: Thinking is my greatest asset, I developed my thinking abilities very quickly thanks to computer programming. Understanding of the world: Thanks to my exposition to some environments that were very different and thanks to Spiral Dynamics, I have a certain understanding of how human development works. Self-Introspection, Contemplation: I've been doing that naturally since I was a kid. It allowed me to understand many things about myself and about the world. I don't feel that I need a therapist that much — therapists that I went to disappointed me even though talking about issues to someone can help and can be relieving — I can analyze myself and fix myself. My awareness and intuition are also naturally very high. I'm currently mostly deficient in relationships and dating, but I'll sort that out. I also need to get my driving license, this is very important. After failing at everything in life for more than 20 years and making so many mistakes I'm starting to get an overview of all the basics. I noticed that this is how I function. I don't like to read instructions nor to follow rules that much (even though it can help so I should do that more), I like to experience things, I like to test every possibility to sort out what works best. Because of that, I'm particularly bad when I start new things, I take time, but at the same time I get a lot of original insights. Let's say that in a new discipline everyone starts at zero and gradually level up... well in my case I start at zero but fall down at -1, -2, -3, etc. then after having tested everything that doesn't work I start to level up + as I made so many mistakes I have so much knowledge that it makes my growth skyrocket, and I excel and get ahead. This is how it has always been for me. However, as it takes a lot of time I'm currently improving this by trusting my intuition more and more. My intuition is very accurate, I know that I can trust it. I'm currently learning to balance experiencing possibilities with intuition. It's time to integrate all the basics of life in a healthy balanced way.

Your thoughts?

I feel like shadow work and journaling about my traumas are currently much more powerful than breathwork. I'm going to replace my breathwork sessions on Thursdays and Sundays by shadow work and journaling.

Recognize that perfectionism is imperfect. True perfection is a delicate balance between high-quality work and some imperfections. You may have some traumas that are making you being a perfectionist, maybe something related to your parents or other persons in your life. You also probably feel some anxiety, fear, and/or sense of competition while working: inspect that, understand where it comes from, and heal that. Also, as you feel unfilled notice that you are far from being a perfectionist as your perfectionism is creating an unperfect unhappy life. You may need a better balance with more empty time to relax and random things. I have been a perfectionist in the past. I felt very egoistical when I was in this mindset and therefore attracted criticism from others because of my over-attention to details. Then I switched to the opposite side and did poor quality work that didn't help me. I'm now getting to a better and better balance.

20 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:25 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:39 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed It's getting hotter and the sun rises earlier so I'm changing my waking up and going to bed time to 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM and 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM.

Another Incremental Cycle I feel like I have been reliving my life in the past four years. I have been reliving what I experienced from 0 to mid 20 in four years from mid 20 to mid 24. I had a peak phase around 17 - mid 18, after that things started to crumble a bit and completely collapsed when I was at mid 20. It feels like another incremental cycle that I went through to learn some lessons and integrate things that weren't properly integrated from 0 to mid 20. Here are a few things that I learned: Work and Productivity: Work in a conscientious, balanced manner, be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to relax. I've either been a highly disciplined, highly organized person in the past and took it to the extreme to the point of having a mental breakdown or been a complete disorganized mess. The best thing is to have some rules, follow a schedule without being neurotic about it and break the rules a bit when needed. I want to work a bit less the last week of each month to have a bit more time to self-reflect and integrate the lessons of the month. Relationships: Relationships are important and I've been denying them too much in the past because of traumas and bad conditioning. Too many social interactions exhaust me, so the best thing for me is to have moderate social interactions except if I'm in a phase of life where I want to meet new people. It's fine to play the social game sometimes, if we are too much into it we may get trapped, but if we are aware of it it's fun. It's like playing a video game, it doesn't matter in the end, but it's enjoyable. People are extremely different, it isn't useful to expect them to have my values nor to judge/condemn them for not being like me. People are where they are and doing the best that they can, this is fine, and they all want is to be accepted as they are. Also, I have a collective responsibility and cannot live in isolation my entire life. Intimate Relationship: Again, I've been denying this too much because of traumas, bad conditioning, and psychological health. It is perfectly fine to seek an intimate relationship, a deep emotional connection, and sexual experiences. Health: As my mind is hyperactive, I need a lot of food, especially a lot of calories. This is fine for me to eat a lot as I don't take any weight. I need to be careful of aliments with FODMAP and not consume a lot of them as they can cause gut issues. Regarding exercise, the best thing is moderate exercise in the form of home workouts with a run each week, there's no need to kill myself at the gym as I did between 18 - 22. I don't have to be over-obsessed with my body. My body is fine, my body looks great, I want to be authentically myself. I have to continue working on my traumas and do healing work every week. Everything is incredibly interconnected when it comes to health. Life Purpose: It evolves all the time. A life purpose gives a sense of direction and helps moving up spiral stages, it is connected to someone's personal growth. In my case, a big life purpose is compelling and motivates me to work. It gives me a feeling of responsibility towards humanity, it helps me to be disciplined while still enjoying life. The Meaning of Life: Meaning is a feeling which means that we can feel meaningful by generating this feeling within ourselves. We can either put a negative meaning on our life and feel difficult emotions or put a positive meaning to it and feel positive emotions. It doesn't mean that we should avoid negative emotions, it just means that it helps to put a meaning as we feel that we live for something. Ultimately life has no meaning, but there's no need to be depressed about it, we can put a positive meaning to a meaningless life. Life is meaningfully meaningless, let's appreciate that deeply. I noticed that things changes in my life every ~2 years and that I also change environment each ~2 years. I currently feel that I'm exiting the Limbo phase and getting into a new Start.

19 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:15 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:47 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ❌ Breathwork (did meditation instead) ~ No distractions until 8 PM (Doesn't currently apply as I'm taking a break) ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed

One day the sun will die and take the earth with it. This is not avoidable. Relax and appreciate that because it will happen inevitably.

@soos_mite_ah You already are a cute, open, feminine girl with a beautiful smile! P-S: I'm learning how to flirt, I hope you don't mind lol.

I'm healing, this is phenomenal.

18 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:15 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:12 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ~ No distractions until 8 PM (Doesn't currently apply as I'm taking a break) ❌ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed (did 45 minutes)

Good. You are acknowledging it. It happens, everyone has backslashes. You are aware of it, you are progressing. Continue doing shadow work, it will help you. Good. You are conscious of your difficulties. You are becoming conscious that social connections are part of a happy life. You are progressing. This is true, but you had periods where you have been much more social. You already proved to yourself that you can be social in the past. Let yourself be authentic and tap into that. You have been hurt on this path. This is normal to have some anxiety considering your past experiences. You know that you can make progress here and you have goodwill. Forgive everyone who causes you harm because you also caused harm in the past. You are as equal as them, forgive them by loving them and loving yourself. You know that you actually have this natural ability within you and you know that you only have to let yourself be. You are very different now. You know that you don't only look good but that you are also extremely wise and mature for your age. It is difficult to find someone as wise and mature as you. It's good that you are aware of it. You are progressing in the right direction. Forgive your dad, let go of the conditioning and let your feelings guide you. Good. This is fine, this is normal. Clear the conditioning and the traumas and you'll naturally fix everything in this area. You are currently doing some progress by opening up here. You are being vulnerable by showing how dirty who really are. You are authentic, you are doing great. You know that what you want is authenticity. You want to be completely authentic and in touch with your feelings. You don't want to fit men's expectations of who a man should be nor fit women's expectations of who a man should be. You want to be yourself. You'll find one and you deeply know it. You know that you'll find your balance. You have all the capacity to find a healthy balance. This is inevitable, people aren't perfect and make projections all the time. Also, recognize that you had some moments in your life where you saw some uncommon people and wanted to ask them some questions. Everybody is doing this. You are not perfect, you are not a saint, you are like other people. Forgive these people, accept them, because they are exactly like you in the end. Yes, you struggled a lot, and yes you were unstable, but you made it anyway. Creating a business takes a lot of courage. You are also getting closer to release your first web application, that's a huge achievement especially considering how complex developing an app is. Yes, the fear is irrational. You have the capacity for independent survival and you know it. It's time to fly. Let go of the fear and live. Yes, this is true. A part of you is selfish, but the way that your parents educated you contributed to that. Your parent's always treated you as a kid and never took you seriously. They always wanted to do everything for you, many time they didn't let you the joy to exercise your brain. In consequence, you stopped caring about them because you weren't taken seriously. This is why you've put so much importance on independence and competencies in your life because you wanted to be taken seriously, you didn't want to be seen as an incompetent spoon-fed kid. Now you are expecting everyone to be independent and competent but this is not possible. Also notice that you yourself need others, you cannot do everything by yourself. You live in a society. You know that this idea of being independent and not caring about others went too far. You also know that you like to help. Do you remember how genuine you were when you were a kid? You genuinely wanted to help others and you know that this desire to participate and to help is still there inside you. Allow yourself to tap into that. You also have a lot of shame here, accept it, feel it, and let go. Allow yourself to fly. Good. You are conscious of it, you perfectly know that the challenges that some communities face are much more difficult than others and therefore affect their growth. Some people are just more lucky to be born in better environments. Recognize that just like them, your environment wasn't perfect. Everyone has environmental difficulties. Let's accept that and lets accept people as they are. Good. You are perfectly aware of the environmental factors behind this flawed perception and you know that you want a clean mind: White beauty standards are overly represented everywhere in movies, TV shows, ads, porn, etc. We assume that white is normal and that white looks better. As most developed countries are white majority countries, people are more liberal than in other countries. The reason why white women seem more sexually attractive is that they are much more sexualized images of white women in bikinis (or less than bikinis) compared to women of color. Countries where most women of color live are more conservative, therefore there are fewer images of women of color in bikinis. In less developed countries, survival is more difficult therefore the priority is the development of infrastructures and basic survival needs. People have more difficult living conditions, less access to quality nutrition, experiences more stress, and have less time to take care of their physical appearance. Because of that they aren't much represented around the world and the difficult living conditions affect their physical appearance. Your sister is a young woman of color and she is beautiful. You have other women of color in your family that are beautiful too. Let go of the conditioning and allow yourself to see things as they are and to see beauty in all women no matter their background.

Yes. It is fine to play the social game, you can enjoy it while still being aware that it is a game. It's like playing a video game, it doesn't matter, but it is fun and enjoyable.

17 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:25 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:51 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ~ No distractions until 8 PM (Doesn't currently apply as I'm taking a break) ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed

@Raphael You know your strengths: Awareness: You are extremely aware. Even if you can have difficulties opening up and take time, you can see your issues and you know that you will be able to address them. This is a natural gift that you have. Intuition: Your intuition is very strong, you can determine things without getting a lot of information. You discovered meditation by yourself, you didn't know about meditation the first time that you meditated, but you intuitively discovered it. Same thing with shadow work, you have been doing it for years without knowing it. It was maybe not as powerful as if you had more knowledge, but you were already doing it. Intellect: Your mind is hyper-sophisticated. You can make a lot of connections and see the structure behind things. You know many ways of using your mind: you can focus to dissect information, you can see the big picture, you can group things, you can acknowledge when two perspectives are good but still choose the best one, you can see holons, you can be creative by taking in some information than waiting for creative insights. You know that you want to perfect your mind by continuing training it. And you know what you want to develop: Healthy masculine/feminine balance: You know that you want to get more in touch with your masculinity to achieve what you want to achieve. However, you also know that you don't want to be a neurotic result maker because the last time that you did that you almost killed yourself. You had too much raw masculine compassion in your life, you know that it doesn't work well in most cases, in most cases in create traumas and dysfunctions. You know that you want a bit more of softness, love, care, and acceptance in your life, a bit more of feminine compassion. You know that you want a proper unification of the masculine and the feminine, you want a 70% masculine / 30 % feminine balance. You know that you want to be strong and masculine while at the same time supporting yourself and loving yourself. Be masculine with a feminine touch. Embrace the strong man inside you with the supportive woman inside you. Feelings: You know that you have difficulties listening to your feelings and often don't want to admit them, but you know that your feelings say the truth. Your feelings are there to guide you, they are here to help you orient your life. Accept to listen to them. Feel more, live more.

A Distrust of Authority Many people in my life didn't allow me to use my brain. I've often been in situations where an hypermasculine guy would try to show how good he was by doing things fast and shutting up everybody else. The irony with this is that this person would actually take more time than others because he wasn't listening to anyone and would make a lot of mistakes by going fast. This is how I felt many times in my life. I didn't felt taken seriously, I didn't felt listened as a kid, teenageer, and even when I was around 20 - 22... and even now by many people. I'm personally very intuitive, I like to explore things by myself, I like experiencing, I like finding what work and what doesn't work, yet I often didn't had this possibility because people expected me to shut up, listen, repeat, or some people had so much ego that they wanted to do everything for me to proove themselves. I many times screamed internally, I screamed: "Please... LET ME FUCKING DO THINGS BY MYSELF. LET ME USE MY BRAIN. DO I HAVE THE RIGHT TO USE MY BRAIN OR WHAT??". Ironically, when I would do things by myself I would do things better than average + as I'm also very intuitive and creative I would discover things that no-one would ever discover because I wouldn't carefully follow instructions. Experiences like this made me highly distrustful of authorities, it made me question everything around me, it made me rebellious. Hopefully, I taught myself programming when I was 15 and this activity has been one of the activities that helped me the most in developing my brain. Programming is an incredibly cognitivetly demanding activity, probably one the most cognitively intense activity that can exists. If you want to push your mind to its limits, try programming, it will break your brain into pieces. If you never coded anything, you have no idea of the amount of complexity that there is behind one single app, even a simple note taking app or an alarm. And even if some tools these days allow to build complex applications pretty quickly, the complexity is still there, it has just been hidden behind advanced tools. In the end, nobody develop an app alone, thousands of people have contributed to any app by working on the operating system, other apps, and the material.