Raphael

Exploring My Relationship With My Body: "It Doesn't Hurt You Because You’re Not Fat" /!\ Warning: The emotions shared here are just repressed emotions that needed to be expressed. They aren't a personal attack against anybody and don't represents how I interact with people. The first time that I went to a psychologist was when I was 14. My main teacher noticed me in the classroom and was a bit concerned because I was quite lonely and wasn't interacting that much with other kids. She talked with me at the end of a class, asked me how I was feeling, asked me what was my experience, noticed that I was quite skinny... like her... then decided that I should see the school psychologist. I went to the psychologist and she had a folder with information about me since I was 4 years old. I remember her showing me some drawings that I did when I was 4 - 5 years old. She asked me if I remember these drawings, I responded that I know that they are mine because I remember my style when I was around that age but don't remember them exactly. The session continued, we talked about my family, we talked about my dad, we talked about school, we talked about my grades, then she asked me a question on my physical appearance: "How do you feel regarding your physical appearance?". I remember responding: "I don't know. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see myself as fine but people always tell me that I'm skinny.". We talked a bit, then she told me something like that: "You know there's a lot of people who would like to be like you.". I responded: "How much?". She said: "3/4 of the world's population.". I didn't respond to her, but I was like: Really??? So... I get highly criticized and humiliated by literally everyone in the school and now you are telling me that 3/4 of the world's population would like to look like fucking skeletons?! Really?! Well... if this is the case why do I get so many critics based on my physical appearance? Why do I experience so much hate for looking how I look? Why everyone points fingers at me because of my body? And it's not like one or two specific individuals, but it's everyone: boys, girls, family members, strangers, and even teachers. I remember having a history teacher who made some remarks on my appearance during this school year, he was basically saying that I was skinny and that was wearing glasses and that because of that it was motivating other boys to bully me. I didn't understand what was the problem. I didn't understand why some people would be mean to other people just on the basis of physical appearance. People don't look the same, so what’s the problem? Why should it be a motivation to target someone? It didn't make any sense to me. I remember being with my sister and my mother one day and my sister told me something like this: "In all cases, it doesn't hurt you because you’re not fat.". Oh yeah... really??? Well... you know what? I would have preferred to be fat. Because at least fat is normal. And because at least when you are fat you have other fat friends that you can relate to. Because when you are born with a naturally very skinny genetics YOU HAVE ALMOST NO ONE THAT CAN RELATE TO YOU AND THAT CAN UNDERSTAND YOU. DON'T EVER TELL ME THAT YOU WANT TO BE SKINNY BECAUSE THIS IS COMPLETE CULTURAL BULLSHIT/NONSENSE FOR ME. Believe me, you won't like to be skinny.

For as long as I can remember I have always been hypersensitive to noises. Noises annoys me, they makes me sad, depressed, angry. I cannot handle loud environments, they completely overblow me and drain my energy. They are currently constructions around me and this is very difficult for me to work and concentrate. Is there something that I can do to be more at peace with noises around me? Does someone have similar experiences? Is it a biological a thing or can it be trauma related?

Earphones with loud relaxing music are currently working well when they are noises around me.

I'm basically afraid of my power and my potential. I deeply know that I can transform myself and transform the world by setting an intention and starting doing it.

I have the capacity to solve any problem in the universe. I know that because this is what happens when I set an intention and do it, this is what happens when I trust myself and trust my intuition. Everything becomes effortless when I trust myself.

I currently eat 19 eggs per week. I eat one egg every day in the morning + 4 eggs three times per week. What could be the consequences for my health?

Yeah, I have a screwed self-image. I'm not as bad as I think I am.

02 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:05 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:18 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation ✅ No distractions until 7 PM ✅ 1 hour of random journaling before going to bed

I have a pretty negative self-image. Generally, people have much better opinions of me than I have of myself.

01 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:05 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:01 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ 1 hour of meditation (did 40 minutes) ✅ No distractions until 8 PM ❌ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed (Did 1 hour) The season is changing, I am going to wake up earlier than before. I will change No distractions until time from 8 PM to 7 PM. Maybe I'll journal a bit less too, 1 hour seems enough.

30 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:17 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:23 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ Healing ~ No distractions until 8 PM (Doesn't apply on Thursday) ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed (Did 30 minutes)

@lxlichael Thank you

Yeah, I'm currently in a self-analytical mode. Self-expression feels good. I feel some burning feeling in my belly and feel a bit of relief each time that I say a radical truth about myself.

It comes from a feeling of unsafety. I ask why because I'm distrustful of people because many times in my life people only cared about me so that I could be useful to them. I rarely felt genuine care, I often felt fake genuine care. But how about me? Am I not that way too? Do I really genuinely care about people? Many times I didn't genuinely care about people and many times I only saw people as how they could be useful to me. However, I did genuinely care about some people in my life and always had a genuine concern for humanity. A part of me is similar to these people who don't genuinely care. A part of me sees people as they can be useful to me exactly like some people see me as I can be useful to them. We are exactly the same. I can understand these people because a part of me is that way too. And I can now forgive, let go and move to a higher place.

I'm sorry, I wasn't insulting you, it's just that I didn't understand. I always asked why to people and it caused me a lot of issues in life. I think this might be a defense mechanism.

Why?

Let's say that there is a strict line between Good and Bad. If I reflect on my life, I often felt exactly on this line, exactly in the middle of Good and Bad. I often felt that if just a few tiny things didn't happen I would have fallen on the "Bad" side.

My defense of women on this forum is a way to hide some subconscious conditioning within me that I absorbed from my dad and other guys who had a bit of misogyny inside them. It's also a way to hide the difficulties that I had growing up regarding attraction and sexuality. It's a way to avoid responsibility and to avoid fixing myself.

The sense of competitiveness that I feel on this forum is the sense of competitiveness that I feel within me. If it didn't exist within me, I wouldn't feel it. Let's be honest, I have been a cold, ruthless, calculating, hypercompetitive person in the past especially in work environments and it caused relationship issues. I was that way because I was miserable, had nothing inside me, and therefore placed my entire worth on my competencies. I also experienced some envy on this forum. I experienced some envy of some users who are much more aware and intelligent than me.

Most People Had It Harder Than Me There are almost 8 billion people on this planet and most people experienced more difficult living conditions than me. Even some people who live in developed countries had it harder than me. At least I had a great and functional mother which balanced the instability of my dad, thanks to that I didn't grow up being a complete mess even though I had my difficulties. My life hasn't been that hard, I'm deluding myself by thinking that my life has been hard.

I've cut out my family for 4 years in the past, then came back living with it. Not all people are toxic in my family, in fact, it's only one person who drags everyone down. I'll say that I felt relieved and experience a lot of growth, but at the same time I was avoiding healing my traumas related to this individual. When I came back living with my family I started to heal this trauma a bit even though it was difficult. I'm currently still doing it, but at a point, I'll walk away again. I resonate with the idea that even if certain people are dysfunctional they raised us anyway so giving back a bit would be the minimum. However, what came into my mind recently is that at a moment I want to live my life without constantly being dragged down by someone else. What I'm thinking about is distancing myself again 95% of the time while also having a system that can function without me intervening too much. That way I'll focus on my life and the people who raised me will still get some help.

10 - 20 hours. I also work on other things aside. Yes, it is sustainable and you can do it without burning out. The thing is to provide value. When someone is able to provide high-quality work people will pay for it more therefore there will be less need to work long hours. I usually take Thursday and Sunday off, but I can also work on Thursday sometimes.

There is a range between unhealthy and healthy work environments that applies to all industries. Some industries can have overall better working conditions than others and some industries can have overall more difficult working conditions than other industries. Regarding game development they are definitely issues in a certain number of big studios, however, you don't have to work for them if your health is important. If this is where you want to go, then I'm sure that it's possible to find companies who value their employees and offer healthy working conditions, you just need to search for them. You will also have to carefully read the agreement if you get there so that you can quit quickly if you don't like the work environment.

There are connections between my sexuality, my dad, my relationships with the opposite sex, and the kind of women that I attract. My dad was so hypermasculine that it felt oppressive and retarded the development of my masculinity, I didn't have that many rights to express myself healthily so I laid back. I think that it has contributed to me being bullied at school because I wanted to be kind and compassionate and didn't want to be seeing as my dad. I reacted against him by being kind and caring, by being more feminine. I was masculine but not as much as other boys, I was repressing my masculinity. After a lot of moral bullying, I started to hide more and more and become hyper-logical and hyperfocused on school then hyperfocused on my career. It was a defense mechanism to push people away. I didn't want to show my pain. My relationships have been highly messed up while growing up because of masculine / feminine imbalances. My dad is inside me, his hypermasculine energy is there, I can feel it. The last time that it got out to the fullest was through panic attacks, I now want it to exists in a healthy way. I want to allow my dad to exists within me, I want his energy because he is extremely strong and powerful. I also want to combine his energy with the energy of my mom to have a healthy balance. The 70% masculine / 30% feminine feels like the ideal balance for me. I want to be masculine with a feminine touch.

I have all the capacities to do everything that I want in life, I can feel it inside me and I always knew it. What always dragged me down was my lack of self-esteem and confidence. I know what is good for me and my intuition is very accurate and is able to detect when my ego is trying to sabotage me and when my ego is creating false intuitions. I know that by trusting my higher self I'll start to ace everything naturally. I know that because it already happened in the past, I had a period where I aced everything in life. However, I was dragged back into hell after this period. I was dragged back because I had stage red/blue/orange shadows, but now I am aware of that and I'm clearing all these shadows. I will be able to maintain all the growth that I'm currently starting to experience. It will be tough and there will be backslashes but they won't make my life explode another time. I will make it and I know it and I'm already making it.