Raphael

30 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:17 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:23 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ Healing ~ No distractions until 8 PM (Doesn't apply on Thursday) ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed (Did 30 minutes)

@lxlichael Thank you

Yeah, I'm currently in a self-analytical mode. Self-expression feels good. I feel some burning feeling in my belly and feel a bit of relief each time that I say a radical truth about myself.

It comes from a feeling of unsafety. I ask why because I'm distrustful of people because many times in my life people only cared about me so that I could be useful to them. I rarely felt genuine care, I often felt fake genuine care. But how about me? Am I not that way too? Do I really genuinely care about people? Many times I didn't genuinely care about people and many times I only saw people as how they could be useful to me. However, I did genuinely care about some people in my life and always had a genuine concern for humanity. A part of me is similar to these people who don't genuinely care. A part of me sees people as they can be useful to me exactly like some people see me as I can be useful to them. We are exactly the same. I can understand these people because a part of me is that way too. And I can now forgive, let go and move to a higher place.

I'm sorry, I wasn't insulting you, it's just that I didn't understand. I always asked why to people and it caused me a lot of issues in life. I think this might be a defense mechanism.

Why?

Let's say that there is a strict line between Good and Bad. If I reflect on my life, I often felt exactly on this line, exactly in the middle of Good and Bad. I often felt that if just a few tiny things didn't happen I would have fallen on the "Bad" side.

My defense of women on this forum is a way to hide some subconscious conditioning within me that I absorbed from my dad and other guys who had a bit of misogyny inside them. It's also a way to hide the difficulties that I had growing up regarding attraction and sexuality. It's a way to avoid responsibility and to avoid fixing myself.

The sense of competitiveness that I feel on this forum is the sense of competitiveness that I feel within me. If it didn't exist within me, I wouldn't feel it. Let's be honest, I have been a cold, ruthless, calculating, hypercompetitive person in the past especially in work environments and it caused relationship issues. I was that way because I was miserable, had nothing inside me, and therefore placed my entire worth on my competencies. I also experienced some envy on this forum. I experienced some envy of some users who are much more aware and intelligent than me.

Most People Had It Harder Than Me There are almost 8 billion people on this planet and most people experienced more difficult living conditions than me. Even some people who live in developed countries had it harder than me. At least I had a great and functional mother which balanced the instability of my dad, thanks to that I didn't grow up being a complete mess even though I had my difficulties. My life hasn't been that hard, I'm deluding myself by thinking that my life has been hard.

I've cut out my family for 4 years in the past, then came back living with it. Not all people are toxic in my family, in fact, it's only one person who drags everyone down. I'll say that I felt relieved and experience a lot of growth, but at the same time I was avoiding healing my traumas related to this individual. When I came back living with my family I started to heal this trauma a bit even though it was difficult. I'm currently still doing it, but at a point, I'll walk away again. I resonate with the idea that even if certain people are dysfunctional they raised us anyway so giving back a bit would be the minimum. However, what came into my mind recently is that at a moment I want to live my life without constantly being dragged down by someone else. What I'm thinking about is distancing myself again 95% of the time while also having a system that can function without me intervening too much. That way I'll focus on my life and the people who raised me will still get some help.

10 - 20 hours. I also work on other things aside. Yes, it is sustainable and you can do it without burning out. The thing is to provide value. When someone is able to provide high-quality work people will pay for it more therefore there will be less need to work long hours. I usually take Thursday and Sunday off, but I can also work on Thursday sometimes.

There is a range between unhealthy and healthy work environments that applies to all industries. Some industries can have overall better working conditions than others and some industries can have overall more difficult working conditions than other industries. Regarding game development they are definitely issues in a certain number of big studios, however, you don't have to work for them if your health is important. If this is where you want to go, then I'm sure that it's possible to find companies who value their employees and offer healthy working conditions, you just need to search for them. You will also have to carefully read the agreement if you get there so that you can quit quickly if you don't like the work environment.

There are connections between my sexuality, my dad, my relationships with the opposite sex, and the kind of women that I attract. My dad was so hypermasculine that it felt oppressive and retarded the development of my masculinity, I didn't have that many rights to express myself healthily so I laid back. I think that it has contributed to me being bullied at school because I wanted to be kind and compassionate and didn't want to be seeing as my dad. I reacted against him by being kind and caring, by being more feminine. I was masculine but not as much as other boys, I was repressing my masculinity. After a lot of moral bullying, I started to hide more and more and become hyper-logical and hyperfocused on school then hyperfocused on my career. It was a defense mechanism to push people away. I didn't want to show my pain. My relationships have been highly messed up while growing up because of masculine / feminine imbalances. My dad is inside me, his hypermasculine energy is there, I can feel it. The last time that it got out to the fullest was through panic attacks, I now want it to exists in a healthy way. I want to allow my dad to exists within me, I want his energy because he is extremely strong and powerful. I also want to combine his energy with the energy of my mom to have a healthy balance. The 70% masculine / 30% feminine feels like the ideal balance for me. I want to be masculine with a feminine touch.

I have all the capacities to do everything that I want in life, I can feel it inside me and I always knew it. What always dragged me down was my lack of self-esteem and confidence. I know what is good for me and my intuition is very accurate and is able to detect when my ego is trying to sabotage me and when my ego is creating false intuitions. I know that by trusting my higher self I'll start to ace everything naturally. I know that because it already happened in the past, I had a period where I aced everything in life. However, I was dragged back into hell after this period. I was dragged back because I had stage red/blue/orange shadows, but now I am aware of that and I'm clearing all these shadows. I will be able to maintain all the growth that I'm currently starting to experience. It will be tough and there will be backslashes but they won't make my life explode another time. I will make it and I know it and I'm already making it.

29 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 05:55 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:21 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ❌ No distractions until 8 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed (Did 30 minutes)

The best opportunity (and one of the only opportunities) that I have to meet new people who resonate with me a minimum and build a social circle is to get back in touch with this friend. He was supposed to contact me this month but still hasn't. If he doesn't contact me at a point, I'll contact him. I would love to move to a big city in another country but Covid is blocking me. Also, the Sinopharm vaccine isn't accepted in most European countries. For the moment and I don't know for how long, I'm basically trapped like Robinson Crusoe.

Some people are just way more advanced than me I have to admit it. It's important that I stay real to where I am, I have things to work on at all SD stages.

28 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:05 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:43 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ✅ No distractions until 8 PM ❌ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed (Did 30 minutes)

I'm currently getting back to my best self.

I failed enormously but at the same time I acquired enormous experience. I currently feel that I'm at the beginning of an exponential growth. Things are going to go BOOM!

I had an interaction with a woman at the post office more than a week ago. She was working there. I wasn't thinking of anything but she looked happy interacting with me, she was smiling and laugh without any reason at a moment. I didn't do anything special, I didn't crack a joke, but I just let myself being authentic. At the end of the interaction, she asked me if I'll come back for another procedure. I put zero effort into it, it was completely effortless. I just let myself be.

I think that many times my ego is sabotaging me. I perfectly know everything that I want in life, what to do and how to be. I can feel it, this is what being authentic is. Being authentic feels natural, effortless, and perfect. I perfectly know how to be social. I perfectly know how to flirt. I perfectly know how to attract women. I perfectly know how to get shit done. I perfectly know the physical activities that are appropriate to me. I perfectly know what is important for me and what isn't. I perfectly know the decisions that I need to take. I know all of these things, and they are completely effortless when I let myself be. I can feel them inside me because this is how I am when I am authentic. I just have to let myself be. The more I'm clearing my traumas, the more I am in touch with myself, the more authentic I am, the more effortless and natural my life is.

27 September 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:08 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:46 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ❌ No distractions until 8 PM ❌ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed I procrastinated quite a bit in the evening. That's fine, it happens. I'm improving every day anyway.

Some Criticism of The US What do I think about the US? Well... to be honest, I don't have that many positive things to say. I don't know a lot about the US so my opinion is limited and probably flawed. I'll say that I like the fact that the country is huge and have a lot of diversity in it. I also like the number of opportunities in this country and I like the craziness that I feel from the US. Finally, I like that there is a lot of nature... and that's basically everything. Aside from that, many things look alarming for me: I feel that something like the top 10% are very powerful and merciless people who have no shame in exploiting the people below them and who create very harsh conditions for them. I feel that excessive capitalism and competition create a very unbalanced society where most people live in fear despite this country being the most powerful country on the planet. Way too much materialistic: People look obsessed with physical appearance of things and physical appearance of other people. Hypersexualization: It seems that because of hypersexualization many people have huge body-image issues which help the beauty industry to make money. Sex and beauty seem to be used as marketing weapons. This doesn't look healthy. Health crisis: it looks like many people have health issues because of the typical mainstream diet. It also looks like many people have mental health issues. Health care system: this looks highly corrupted by capitalism. I don't understand how something like free health care for everybody is considered progressive. Even where I live there is free health care for everybody and it was that way before I was born. College prices: I don't know the prices, but I read that they were very high. College should be a ladder to life, not a weight for life. This should be completely free. Lack of education: I have the sensation that many people are so convinced that the US is the best country in the world that they lost interest to educate themselves on anything else. I saw people from the US on the internet thinking that the US was the only country on the planet. Harsh working conditions: not that much to say here, except that capitalism looks pushed to the extreme. People are treated like machines who are supposed to work 24/7. I feel that many of them don't have enough breaks from work. Racism: I never realized how much of an issue it was before joining this forum. The amount of oppression towards non-white people and especially people of color, and especially black people look insane. I watched a video one day and in this video, a black girl was explaining to her boyfriend's white mom that she was afraid that his mom wouldn't like her because she was black... I was expecting better from a developed country. Also, the George Floyd case revealed for me a lot about the situation there. Gun violence: the amount of gun shootings is alarming for me. This is far higher than any other developed nation. I remember one day seeing a video of kids practicing an exercise at school in case of shooting would happen... I was like... is this normal? In the most powerful nation on earth kids go to school and are afraid of being killed? I wondered why the US was considered a developed country in the past. It's looks developed from the outside, but when we look deeper, when we observe how average people live there, something feels wrong. Many people seem to live in deep fear and have difficulties going through life that we don't normally see in other developed nations.