Raphael

12 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 05:48 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 11:00 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation ❌ No distractions until 7 PM ❌ 1 hour of journaling or doing nothing before going to bed (did 50 minutes)

The AQAL model looks like the ultimate model so far. It tries to encapsulate everything: Spiral Dynamics, The 9 Stages of Ego Development, etc. It might even be a bit too much sophisticated.

There's a limitations with threads like this and this is not the usual limitation of labeling ourselves as better. Sure, this can happen but labeling ourselves and assessing where we are in life is fine as long as this is healthy. I feel that this is something related to the limitation of knowledge, how we make sense and what we perceive as true. I'm not sure what this is, but I can intuit something...

Not sure if I'm becoming asexual, but I feel like all my sexual desires disappeared.

All knowledge is flawed and inaccurate. Being too much attached to knowledge and models is a trap just like dismissing how much knowledge and models can be useful. It's important to learn to use knowledge and models in an healthy detached way.

To this point, I'm really getting bored with Spiral Dynamics. I'm stage Rainbow, end of the story.

I have more and more difficulties to categorize myself: Sometimes I consider myself at Orange/Green because I'm still integrating the business and success aspect of Orange, but aside from that I don't resonate with most things at Orange. Sometimes I see myself as mostly at Yellow with some Orange and Green because I really try to be as objective as possible and see things from different perspectives. However, Yellow is much more complex that we can assume, it's very difficult to be mostly at Yellow as it demands a lot of knowledge and life experiences that I don't think I have at my age. At some moments I even felt that I was at Turquoise. Overall, I think that I avoid a bit the emotional vulnerability of Green. Also, where someone is mostly at can vary on the kind of issue that he/she is dealing with even though it is not the person's usual center of gravity. For example if someone is usually at Yellow but went through some though challenges and need to heal, then this person will spend more time at Green to be in touch with his/her emotions and clear the traumas and therefore the center of gravity will be Green.

11 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:28 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:35 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation ✅ No distractions until 7 PM ❌ 1 hour of journaling or doing nothing before going to bed Almost didn't sleep of the entire night but went through my day anyway. My head hurt because of lack of sleep.

Nothing is wrong with me, I just have things to improve. I see a discrepancy between what I think I am and who I actually am. People usually see me as better than I see myself. My self-image is non-aligned with my capabilities. I should get a serious boost by just improving it.

I'm Great After the realization that I had a screwed self-image, the realization that I wasn't weird but convinced myself that I was weird where I'm normal, the realization that I was fine, here's now the realization that I'm great. For how long am I going to deny it? For how long am I going to hide myself from myself? When will I finally accept to recognize it? I think that it's time, yeah, it's time. Since I was a kid people labeled me as been highly intelligent. I wasn't exceptional at school most of the time but even if I wasn't exceptional people and teachers labeled me as being highly intelligent. Some people labeled me smart by barely knowing me and some people labeled me smart just by looking at my face. I had many experiences like this in my life: When I was maybe 13, I was eating at the school cafeteria and some girls came eating at the same table and labeled me smart. They said things like: "It's obvious that he is smart. He looks smart." When I was at a gym, a guy came to me and asked me: "You... you are good at school?". Well... no... I wasn't that good, but I think that he saw something else inside me, something that I didn't dare to recognize in me. When I was working in a company an older worker was basically afraid of me and told me: "You are intelligent you! Yeah, yeah... you can do this because you are intelligent." During my first Skype call with a client, the first thing that he told me before any courtesy was: "You look smart..." I have been taking some coaching recently and my coach told me: "You are very intelligent.". In my mind I was like: "Uh? What did he tell me that. I'm just working through my issues." A few years ago when I was seeing a psychologist my sister told me that I should ask her to give me an IQ test. I ask why and she responded: "Because you look like the typical genius who is awkward and doesn't have friends.". I refused because the limitations of the IQ test were obvious to me. However, during one of the sessions with this psychologist, she shared the same thought with me and labeled me as highly intelligent. Besides that and even though I expressed some thoughts and emotions, I wasn't feeling that much comfortable with this psychologist. I was feeling a lot of closemindedness and was analyzing her during the sessions, I was able to see through her limitations and biases. When I was 5 years old, I was sitting at a table with two friends, and one friend showed one of her hands and said: "This is my right hand". The other friend who was on the other side of the table disagreed and said: "No, this is not right, this is right" while showing her right hand. As they started to debate, I decided to intervene to solve the situation and said: "Hey, look. Yes, this is right and if you go to her place it will still be right. The difference is that we aren't in the same position, we aren't on the same side of the table but you are both showing your right hand.". I don't think that I was exceptional here, in fact, the teacher explained this previously so the difference is that I just remembered the lesson and applied it. I probably didn't have any thoughts about it when I was 5 years old but I may have intuited that this was the basis of all misunderstanding, all debates, and all conflicts in the world: two sides speaking about the same thing but being unable to understand that it is the same thing because of differences of perspectives. Two sides mirroring themselves without being conscious of it. As two kids who both have the same right hand but are unable to see it, we are all the same in the end but cannot see it because of life circumstances and different perspectives. I often found myself being the person in the middle, the person who observes people debating then comes after to explain each other perspectives. This is the oldest memory that I have where I felt ahead, I was 5 years old. Some people from this forum told me that they were impressed by me and were admiring me... but I always saw myself as dumb. Ok, not just dumb to be honest, but also smart. This is the deep paradox that I cultivate within me: I feel incredibly dumb and incredibly smart at the same time. This is a weird feeling, but this is how I am. I didn't know how to handle this feeling inside me while growing up. I didn't have the emotional maturity and I also have been impeached by life circumstances. I hidden my power, I have been afraid of it because I didn't know what to do about it. I think that it's time to recognize it, accept it, and use it. I am an extremely aware, extremely intuitive, and extremely intelligent person. This is why I can't relate with most people, this is why I always felt disconnected from people of my age, this is why I always felt weird, and this is why I can easily turn any of my weaknesses into a strength. Yeah, I can improve anything that I want and solve any possible problem because I am designed to handle complexity. This is what motivates me. Yeah, I am extremely aware, extremely intuitive, and extremely intelligent.

10 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 05:43 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:11 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ Healing ~ No distractions until 7 PM (Doesn't apply on Sunday) ✅ 1 hour of journaling or doing nothing before going to bed

I basically procrastinated life. It's often when the fire starts to burn and when I feel a sense of urgency that things happen for me. As usual, things are going that way: Procrastination -> Procrastination (getting closer to the deadline) -> Procrastination (getting very close to the deadline) -> Procrastination (almost crossed the deadline) -> EXPLOSIVE SPIKE OF ENERGY WHERE I FIX EVERYTHING IN A RECORD TIME, GET BETTER RESULTS THAN 90% OF PEOPLE AND GET AHEAD IN LIFE Lol.

@Breakingthewall I can exaggerate sometimes. The situation isn't as bad as it seems and things actually got better in recent months. I don't see any physical violence, but my dad can be annoying and his influence isn't that great for my psychological health which is why I avoid him as much as possible. I'm sorry for what happened to you, it must have been hard to grow up in a difficult situation like this. My dad has also been the source behind my low self-esteem. I hope that you are doing better now and continue improving.

09 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:41 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:02 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ❌ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ❌ No distractions until 7 PM ❌ 1 hour of journaling before going to bed Difficult day. I almost didn't sleep of the entire night, I felt agitated most of the day and didn't work that much. The construction noises outside didn't help me too.

I'm very complex and paradoxical, it's very difficult to figure me out.

Using The Actualized.org Forum For Maximum Personal Growth I think that I under rated the value that I can get from participating consciously on this forum. I spent most of my time here journaling and reading the conversations and grew a lot from that. There is value into that but partipating consciously is another thing because it demands efforts. I can improve many things by participating here like: Humour: I can crack some funny jokes that makes everyone laugh. Flirting: I can train my flirting skills, but I think that I won't do it that much because this is not a dating website and because I don't know how Leo and the moderation will react to that. Intellect and Intuition: I can write some high quality answers on challenging ideas. I can give multiperspectival Tier-2 solutions and develop my mind by doing that. Emotional support, compassion, empathy, agreableness, openness: I can give emotional support to people when they are going through difficult situations. I will be able to make more emotional connections like that and improve my emotional mastery. Assertiveness: this one is going to be a bit limited as assertivess is much better developed IRL, but I can still get some value in being assertive through written communication. Now the limitation of doing this is that most interactions that I have with people here are only written communication so there will always be some distance between me and others. However, I still think that I can gain valuable experience and develop a lot while doing that. Also, the advantage with written communication is that I can go back to my posts, self-reflect and find ways to improve. When it comes to improving anything in life, I noticed that asking myself the question: "What can I improve?" will make my the quality of my thoughts improve. From this question I can try to find new ways of doing things, open myself to new information and experiences, and accelate the thought maturation process.

I still have a bit of difficulties when it comes to emotions, when it comes to giving emotional support to people and connecting with people. I can make some mistakes, create some misunderstanding, and weird social situations.

There's still a bit of stage orange ego inside me. I noticed that there is still a part of me who wants to show himself and compete a bit.

Please... stop building things around me... my ears are dead... uuuh...

08 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:51 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:01 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ✅ No distractions until 7 PM ✅ 1 hour of journaling before going to bed

07 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:32 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:48 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ Healing ~ No distractions until 7 PM (Doesn't apply on Thursday) ❌ 1 hour of random journaling before going to bed Today was messy. I went outside with my mom to help her find a new phone for herself. It took a lot of time and because of that, I didn't do the essential things that I planned to do. That's life, it's fine.

I'm Fine After the realization that I had a screwed self-image, the realization that I wasn't weird but convinced myself that I was weird where I'm normal, here's now the realization that I'm fine. Yep, I'm fine. I'm fine. I lived my entire life thinking that something was wrong with me, but I'm fine, I'm fine. I just have strengths and weaknesses like everyone. My strengths might be a bit uncommon and unnoticeable many times which is why I can appear weird. On the outside I'm like the most normal person ever, I'm so normal that it's abnormal, so normal that's it's weird. But in the end, I'm fine, I'm fine. Overall, I'm fine. I make enough money to sustain myself independently. I can work from anywhere on the planet as the only requirements that I have are a computer and a quality internet connection. I made some changes to my diet in the last two months and it solved the issues that I had. I've been finally finding a proper organization for myself so that my life can be healthily structured. I can be social with people who have a minimum of openmindedness. And I know overall the direction that I want my life to take for at least the next 5 years. So... what is wrong with me? Nothing. Nothing is wrong with me. I'm perfectly normal in my own way, I'm perfectly fine. I'm fine. Yeah, I'm fine.

Here's the guy: > @Raphael <

We all gonna die in the end, and this is Ok.

One day I'll travel the world and maybe I'll go there too.