Raphael

Haha. I had this too. I have been afraid of not sleeping in the past which created unnecessary thoughts about not sleeping which caused me to not sleep properly lol. I personally have to be very careful about my information intake especially before going to bed. I know that if I consume too much information, my mind will start to get crazy.

I had sleeping problems since I was a kid, maybe since 6 - 8 years old. I often had a lot of difficulties falling asleep because my mind can become very overactive. I also have a trauma related to sleep. Currently, I'm experiencing some changes in my life and I feel a bit agitated and stressed. I'm also experiencing some digestive issues that are contributing to a low quality of sleep. These digestive issues are generally related to stress and me eating too quickly and therefore not masticating food enough. I didn't exercise this week so I have an excess of energy into me but I went for a walk as everyday. I don't use any electronics before going to bed (I do the best that I can), however, I journaled about some things which I'm currently thinking about. Generally, I either journal or do nothing before going to bed. When I journal, I either journal random things that doesn't necessitate any efforts or put more efforts into it. However, when I put too much efforts into journaling it feels like I'm not relaxing and therefore over working which have an impact on my sleep because I need to calm down before going to bed. So... to summarize I'm currently experiencing sleeping problems because: changes are happening in my life + I have some digestive issues + I didn't exercise this week + I did too much efforts before going to bed by journaling and therefore didn't relax properly What do you do when you can't sleep?

Can't sleep again...

16 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:40 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 09:55 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation ❌ No distractions until 7 PM ✅ 1 hour of journaling or doing nothing before going to bed

I need help, I cannot do everything by myself.

How do you choose between two excellent choices?

Sleep have been a disaster for 3 days. I think that this is because my circumstances are starting to change. I also got a second excellent offer today from an exceptional person.

I can teach the basis and some structures that will repeat often in this field. However, depending on the need of the project some structures can become very complex. Technologies also change very often even though patterns are repeating so to become good someone has to develop a lot of mental flexibility and to do that he/she will have to learn to think very critically to get at an high level. I'll say that it can take 3 to 5 years to become very good and it entails enormous research, frustrations, and the willingness to develop personal projects.

15 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 04:30 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:05 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation ❌ No distractions until 7 PM ❌ 1 hour of journaling or doing nothing before going to bed Went to sleep at 12:20 AM, woke up at 4:30 AM full of energy lol.

@SamC @soos_mite_ah I think that there's between 50% - 70% ego trickery here lol.

I noticed that I have increasing difficulties assessing myself with models. The models that I'm the most familiar with are Spiral Dynamics, The 9 Stages of Ego Development, and the MBTI. It was easier for me to use models to see where I was in life 2 - 3 years ago but now something feels a bit off. I noticed thoughts, questions, and emotions arising: I feel more and more difficulties assessing myself as being at a certain Spiral Dynamics stage or a certain Ego Development Stage. I can relate with many of these stages except the most advanced ones (Turquoise, The Unitive) but I feel less than before that I have a certain center of gravity. I feel a bit everywhere. What does a model really mean in the end? Isn't it just a set of information that backed by a web of information feels like it means something? If in a language, words define other words, which then define other words, which then define other words... then a model doesn't mean anything. Assuming that all knowledge is imperfect, the question "Why should I trust a model?" is arising, however, at the same time, I'm conscious that models are useful and are helping me grow because in the relative context I'm a human being who use tools just like other human beings. I feel more and more that the map is not the territory. I feel that I am in the middle of the paradox that the map is not the territory but is useful anyway. Things feel a bit chaotic and uncertain even though I can use imperfect models to orient myself. No matter how much I assess myself, it will always be incorrect, infinitely distant from who I am, and not represent me. Any developmental model is basically a tool to guide ourselves on the path. However, the path from a certain perspective is just a concept. From the absolute perspective there is no path, the path is an illusion. What exists is experience, the now, or whatever we want to call that. I'm conscious that both sides of this paradox need to be integrated. The path is very uncertain. I can use models to orient myself and convince myself that I'm going somewhere, but I can get killed and everything will be over. My intuition is telling me to drop all models and just look at areas that I want to improve and focus on things that I want to do. My intuition is also telling me to follow my intuition more, but at the same time my intuition knows that models help to develop and sharpen intuition. So I'm going to continue using models but with awareness of their limitations. Rejecting models can come from below and come from above. From below the ego is trying to convince itself that it is better and doesn't need models. From above, it is a recognition that models are useful but limited and shouldn't be taken too seriously. I feel that my ego is trying to trick me. He wants to show himself as being above models by dismissing how useful models can be. Who relates to this?

Yeah, I felt that a lot in the past and I actually discovered many things intuitively even though I consumed a lot of knowledge too.

@soos_mite_ah I actually have some shame and shadows here related to my approach to personal development that lacks some structure and organization. I consider that this is why this reaction against models and self-assesment is an ego reaction from me. Maybe.

Yes. I know the overall direction that I want to take, I have a vision but at the same time I'm still dealing with basic things. A part of me feels very developed while a few other essential parts feel underdeveloped. This is confusing for me to put myself somewhere. These are really nice thoughts, thank you. Yeah, I'm currently experiencing something like this.

The more confused I am in life, the more people are telling me that I'm doing great. Lol

I had an offer today from a potential client to work on a project related to green energy. I would work only 3 days per week with a good pay and would be able to make some presentations too. This is a stable part-time position so it would relieve me from the stress of dealing with chaotic clients who come and disappear. It would also allow me to change my environment, meet new people, and continue working on my app aside and even hire a freelancer to help me. The guy seemed open and has experience with multiple cultures as he worked in at least two different countries. He also has been a freelancer in the past and understands how chaotic and uncertain things can be sometimes. He was honest with me and I was honest with him as I told him about my app, my project to make it my main income, and that I would probably not work more than six months for him. He was cool with all that. I noticed some contractions and burning sensations in my stomach while I was speaking to him on the phone. This is related to past traumas caused by relationships in work environments, I still have to work through that. Things are unfolding interestingly...

This is an ego trick. I'm noticing some residues within myself from who I was when I was 20 - 21.

No. It's an ego trick.

I smell a lot of ego within me and a lot of ego related to my relationship with these models.

I really need an environmental change to this point. I have been talking so little in the past 4 years because of unfavorable environments that I feel that my ability to use language diminished. I feel that I have less vocabulary than 4 years ago both in French and English. I also feel that it has an impact on my cognitive abilities and the sophistication of my thoughts. I'm naturally rather introverted (I also have been a bit of an ambivert at some moments in my life), but at the same time this feeling of social isolation is becoming too much. I have more and more difficulties assessing myself using models like Spiral Dynamics and The 9 Stages of Ego Development. I don't feel human anymore. I want to move to a place that is at least at stage Orange/Green so that I can talk to people and express my emotions more without feeling too much pressure.

I Have More and More Difficulties Assessing Myself With Models I noticed that I have increasing difficulties assessing myself with models. The models that I'm the most familiar with are Spiral Dynamics, The 9 Stages of Ego Development, and the MBTI. It was easier for me to use models to see where I was in life 2 - 3 years ago but now something feels a bit off. I noticed thoughts, questions, and emotions arising: I feel more and more difficulties assessing myself as being at a certain Spiral Dynamics stage or a certain Ego Development Stage. I can relate with many of these stages except the most advanced ones (Turquoise, The Unitive) but I feel less than before that I have a certain center of gravity. I feel a bit everywhere. What does a model really mean in the end? Isn't it just a set of information that backed by a web of information feels like it means something? If in a language, words define other words, which then define other words, which then define other words... then a model doesn't mean anything. Assuming that all knowledge is imperfect, the question "Why should I trust a model?" is arising, however, at the same time, I'm conscious that models are useful and are helping me grow because in the relative context I'm a human being who use tools just like other human beings. I feel more and more that the map is not the territory. I feel that I am in the middle of the paradox that the map is not the territory but is useful anyway. Things feel a bit chaotic and uncertain even though I can use imperfect models to orient myself. No matter how much I assess myself, it will always be incorrect, infinitely distant from who I am, and not represent me. Any developmental model is basically a tool to guide ourselves on the path. However, the path from a certain perspective is just a concept. From the absolute perspective there is no path, the path is an illusion. What exists is experience, the now, or whatever we want to call that. I'm conscious that both sides of this paradox need to be integrated. The path is very uncertain. I can use models to orient myself and convince myself that I'm going somewhere, but I can get killed and everything will be over. My intuition is telling me to drop all models and just look at areas that I want to improve and focus on things that I want to do. My intuition is also telling me to follow my intuition more, but at the same time my intuition knows that models help to develop and sharpen intuition. So I'm going to continue using models but with awareness of their limitations. Rejecting models can come from below and come from above. From below the ego is trying to convince itself that it is better and doesn't need models. From above, it is a recognition that models are useful but limited and shouldn't be taken too seriously. I feel that my ego is trying to trick me. He wants to show himself as being above models by dismissing how useful models can be. Who relates to this?

13 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:01 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:30 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation ❌ No distractions until 7 PM ✅ 1 hour of journaling or doing nothing before going to bed Almost didn't sleep of the entire night. I was dealing with some traumas and existential shit.

Positive Radical Honesty They are two sides to radical honesty: a dirty side and a positive side. Usually, when it comes to radical honesty we mostly think about our dirty side. Being radically honest about what's dirty inside us helps to release a lot of emotions and overcome blockages. This is great but we also often have difficulties recognizing what we are really capable of. The positive side of radical honesty is about recognizing all the untapped potential inside us. Doing it is scary because when we do it we feel like we have been wasting our life. However, it's never too late to recognize our full capabilities and to realize who we really are. Here are things that are great about me: I am extremely aware I am extremely intuitive I am extremely intelligent I am extremely creative I am extremely original I have a natural quirky sense of humor I am physically healthy I am physically attractive I have very high-level thinking abilities I am a very deep thinker, there's a lot of depth to my thinking I have really good public speaking skills I'm good at seeing things from multiple perspectives I am very objective and very neutral I have the capacity to quickly learn anything that I want I have the capacity to solve any possible problem I have the capacity to radically raise human development through an holistic understanding of the globe and of human nature I have the capacity to create a deep and fulfilling intimate relationship

All these models makes me feel under develop.

I have more and more difficulties assessing myself with Spiral Dynamics. It was easier ~2 years ago, but now things feels very different. I really don't feel like I'm mostly somewhere. I resonate a bit with all these stages and still have things to integrate but overall I don't feel that I can put myself as being mostly at a stage. I feel that I am nowhere and everywhere at the same time. Things are getting weird, I'm not sure what is happening. Maybe I'm bored with Spiral Dynamics and bored with assessing myself... I'm not sure. Maybe a part of me is starting to evolve beyond Spiral Dynamics... but I'm not sure. Maybe I should change my main model and use more "The 9 Stages of Ego Development" or another model... but I'm not sure. It has been at least 6 years since I discovered Spiral Dynamics, a part of me is really bored with this model. There's also a part of me who feel that these models are useless because when I follow my intuition I evolve naturally, but another part of me feels like the part who feels that these models are useless isn't wise enough... Why am I so weird? Even within this community I feel weird and abnormal.