Raphael

I'm 24 and I'm currently blown away with how well I resonate with what you wrote here. Your thoughts are helping me to self-reflect. I'm currently taking actions to move out of the tech world and get into something more authentic.

I gave some hugs to my sister today. This is far better compared to how emotionally closed I was when I was 18.

Genetics + a shy nature Toxic masculinity: men should be tough, men shouldn't cry, men should take actions first without caring about emotions, etc. An oppressive, hyper-dominant, hyper-masculine dad who didn't let me room for proper self-expression A limited environment Unusual thoughts that aren't commonly accepted Awareness of people suffering while at the same time experiencing the impossibility to help them because they are suffering too much (but this might be a limiting belief) Difficult previous experiences at school and in work environments where I felt oppressed and couldn't healthily express myself Fear of judgments and criticisms because I have been highly criticized while growing up Traumas

Why is it so much difficult for us men to emotionally open up? And why is it so much difficult for me to open up and share my vulnerabilities?

25 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:17 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 09:45 PM (objective 09:30 PM - 10:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ❌ No distractions until 7 PM ✅ 1 hour of journaling or doing nothing before going to bed

24 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:04 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 09:40 PM (objective 09:30 PM - 10:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ Healing ~ No distractions until 7 PM (Doesn't apply on Sunday) ✅ 1 hour of journaling or doing nothing before going to bed

Goodbye everyone.

Name: Raphaël Date of birth: 27 march 1997 Age: 22 Psychological development: Blue (10%): I think having a good structure and organization is pretty important, discipline is also important. However, I'm not sufficiently embodying these ideas. I'm probably more organized, structured and disciplined then many people of my age, but I have many moments of disorganized chaos and my discipline needs to be improved. I'm a little too concerned about opinions of people on me; Orange (50%): Thinking independently and critically is very important. I also really like the ideas of autonomy, creating results, freedom of speech, innovation, pushing ourselves, and doing what we want in life. I'm going to the gym, and I want to look good and muscular. One of my biggest needs right now is financial independence and breaking out of wage slavery; Green (30%): Everyone have to be treated fairly, we can disagree with other people, but we should do it in a respectful and conscious way. The environment, vegetables and animal species also have to be treated respectfully. Businesses have to work in a conscious manner and not abuse the environment, people, and other nations. Everyone wants to be treated and paid decently including business owners, so it's better if it's reciprocal. I really like to eat healthy, so that I feel clean inside; Yellow (10%): I like to see things from multiple perspective, I have mixed origins, it helped me to see the world from different angles since a pretty young age. I open my mind to everything, I consider myself as being very open-minded, enough open-minded to admit that I can be close-minded without noticing it. I don't take most things personally, but I can still get hurt and angry by other people. I a very solitary person, I like to contemplate and meditate. I noticed that my mind and body works better after periods of empty space; Turquoise (0%): Not there yet. Note: The above notes on my cognitive development are not 100% accurate, there are just where I feel I am. Of course my ego can delude itself by thinking that I'm weaker or stronger. I'm notably thinking that I can be less stage blue and more stage yellow, maybe it's true, maybe it's false, I'm not sure, but it's important to keep this in mind.

@Raphael I forgive you.

@Raphael I see what you have been doing and what you are doing. I'm aware of what happened and what is happening. I want you to know that I understand you, I feel you, it's Ok. It's perfectly fine to feel that way sometimes. This is what makes us human, we are imperfect beings. I know that you are becoming aware too and I know that you will be able to overcome these challenges. I understand you, I accept you, and I deeply love you.

Matt Kahn

If I compare to years ago, I overall have a healthier relationship with personal development and I want to continue improve that. The vibe that I got many times from Leo in the past is that personal development is work, it's always: WORK, WORK, WORK, YOU HAVE TO WORK cause otherwise you'll waste your life. Alright Leo, alright Leo, alright, alright. Calm down a bit Leo, calm down, things are gonna a be Ok... There's no need to see personal development as an oppressive fear-based thing to do. Personal development can be enjoyable and is enjoyable.

I seriously feel incredibly dumb, incredibly retarded, I feel like a total impostor. I'm not as advanced that I thought I was. I am way behind where I thought I was... and this is Ok. I want to be kinder towards myself, accept myself more, and love myself more.

Even though everything is getting together in my life, there's a part of me who feels dumb. I feel so fucking dumb, I feel so fucking retarded. I feel dumb because I know everything that I should have done, but I didn't and procrastinated: I should have set a proper organization system way earlier. I wasn't disorganized, but I just kept everything in my mind and overloaded my brain. Things would have been much easier if took my time years ago to configure a note-taking app. I should have learned to strategize and plan better way earlier. Again, it's not that I didn't strategize, I started to strategize my life as soon as 15. I had a vision and I knew the general steps to take, however, I kept too many things in my brain. I should have written things in a note-taking app to manifest my vision faster. I should have tracked myself better. I should have tried to build a social circle earlier, but I guess that my social anxiety and distrust of people cause me to dismiss that. I should have tried to get involved in dating way earlier, but again my social anxiety and insecurities didn't help me. And now, everything is happening at the same time: I recently built an organization system that works for me. I did some research and watched some videos on how to plan personal development. I'm starting to track my progress. I'm changing environment and getting into an environment that is at advanced stage Orange/Green where I can meet people that I resonate with and start building a social circle. I'll push myself out of my comfort zone and talk to everyone. My finances are getting better and better. I will soon be earning more money than I was earning two years ago in a company setting while only working 3 days per week. I'm also launching my app. I'm on track with my life purpose and know where I'm going. I know the education and experiences that I need. I'll take the Life Purpose Course next year to refine things. I did another application to get my learner license so that I can learn how to drive. Every time that I tried in the past, an unexpected event happened that caused a delay. I hope everything will work out this time. Maybe a girlfriend will even pop out of nowhere lol. Oh god, I feel so retarded, I feel so dumb. Maybe the reason why I feel that I am an impostor is that I am one after all... Maybe if I didn't get myself into these terrible environments when I was around 20 - 22, I would have grown much faster and set these things up. However, if I didn't get into these environments I wouldn't have discovered emotional healing which is now allowing me to heal from my childhood traumas... I have never been officially diagnosed with ADHD, but my guess is that I have it. My mind has always been chaotic and some bad influences contributed to that. It happened to me that I couldn't even hear people talking because I was so much in my head lol. Anyway, I'm happy and relieved that finally, everything is getting together.

I'm currently solidifying my core. I prematurely entered Turquoise this year which explains why my posts were very quick insightful existential posts for at least half of the year. It's easy to access deep existential insights, the only thing to do is to self-isolate in a cave. If it comes from the ego it's a way to skip life, a way to avoid responsibility, a way to avoid ourselves. Many sages have dysfunctions that make them unable to cope with life challenges, in consequence, they avoid life by getting into spirituality.

Yeah, that's something that definitely happened to me. I'm trying to find my balance here. That's something that I have been able to do, but I still have some residues to work through here. Thanks for your thoughts man.

I noticed a reoccuring pattern within me. What happens is that I see myself in a good light then it quickly switch to the opposite side and I see myself in a bad light. I don't know if this is related but I'm often an all or nothing person: my highs are very highs and my lows are very lows. Also, my parents are the complete opposite: my mom is a very kind and caring woman where my dad is a very confrontational uncaring man. Does anyone experienced something similar?

23 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:04 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:10 PM (objective 09:30 PM - 10:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning (did that before going to bed) ❌ No distractions until 7 PM ❌ 1 hour of journaling or doing nothing before going to bed I'm currently doing some serious system changes.

I express them like on this video below: I feel them, I let myself cry, express my rage, express my happiness, etc. I observe them, I notice the beliefs connected to them, I notice my environmental influence, the influence of the information that I consume. I also express them through journaling.

Thank you. I definitely have to be kinder, more accepting, and more loving towards myself.

Makes sense. I have been quite a lot in my feminine in the past two years because I had to heal (and I still continue to do that). I definitely don't have bipolar disorder because it's not extreme, but it's rather some self-perception switch. I also often time feel a discrepancy because people around me tell me that I'm doing great where I feel that I didn't accomplish that much in life and lack some "normalcy" and basic things. There's a part of me that feels a bit empty (bad) because of that where another part is strategizing for the long term (good).

My self-esteem is improving, my confidence is improving, my assertiveness is improving, my discipline is improving, my organization is improving, my openness is improving. It feels like my entire system is rebooting and getting back to its peak.

I just had a quick conversation with my mom that disturbed me. I asked the question: "Mom, do you consider me agreeable or disagreeable?". It went like this: Me: "Do you consider me agreeable or disagreeable?" My mom: "Well... yes, well.. it depends, you don't smile a lot. You are a bit closed like your dad." Me: "What do you mean?" My mom: "Well... for example in my case I am an agreeable person, I do things for others. When I'm doing something and some people interrupt me and ask me to do something for them, I do it. This is what is it means to be agreeable." Me: "What???" My mom: "..." Me: "Well... Ok. This is Ok to do things for others, but sometimes this is too much. We cannot let others interrupt us all the time because otherwise we cannot do our own things and cannot move forward in life" My mom: "Hum... Yes, sometimes we need to have time to do our own thing." When the discussion ended, I noticed some tears in her eyes and a bit of sadness in her voice. I triggered something in her. I realized that my mom was a complete people pleaser without any boundaries which explains why she stayed with my dad for more than 25 years even though my dad was often emotionally abusive towards her (and it also explains why I struggled with similar issues in my life). She has been afraid her entire life of being seen as bad, of being seen as an uncaring woman and because of that she stayed with a toxic man who ruined her life. She lack enormous self-esteem, confidence, and assertiveness. The relationship of my parents always blow me away because of how radically oppositional they are: My mom is a tiny skinny very feminine women where my dad is a tall, hypermasculine, strong, muscular, dominant man. My mom is a very agreeable and caring person where my dad is a very aggressive non-caring man who don't hesitate to confront anyone and/or verbally insults people. My mom is tolerant and accepting, my dad has zero tolerance. My mom is slow, my dad is impulsive. My mom is organized, my dad has zero organization I think that their relationship explain why I got so much disrespected while growing up. I was kind but at the same time unkind. I was agreeable but at the same time confrontational. I have been organized, but I also have been a complete mess. My psyche is sliced in two parts that are very oppositional and reuniting them together, making them work together is challenging.

22 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:56 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:13 PM (objective 09:30 PM - 10:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ❌ No distractions until 7 PM ✅ 1 hour of journaling or doing nothing before going to bed