Raphael

I'M ANXIOUS WHEN SPEAKING TO MY PSYCHOLOGIST I'm uncomfortable with my psychologist, I'm afraid to show all my dirty things. Many times I stutter when expressing myself, I tight my muscles and create resistance to protect myself. I also feel like we are not enough discussing my emotional issues, but spend too much time on other practical things. She takes initiative most of the time and I follow her, I feel like she doesn't listen enough, I think it will be better if I directly tell her what I want to speak about.

I'M MORE RESPECTFUL AND POLITE WITH ANONYMOUS PEOPLE THAN WITH MY FAMILY / CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS Relationships have always been hard, however, I made huge progress on my shyness and social anxiety in the last four years. I'm sometimes more able to share my thoughts with anonymous than my family. I don't have any expectations with strangers and I also look at them as replaceable listeners, I also don't feel any responsibility towards them. Some people in my family always want that I do things with them, I'm experiencing this as constraints, many times I feel like their unconsciously trying to take my freedom to be alone by myself.

I HAVE DOGMAS IN COMPUTER PROGRAMMING After working for more than a year in a big tech company I realized how far dogmatism can go. I was dogmatic on coding standards, indentation, and many things, and I criticized and was angry against other people for not respecting modern standards aka my way. I wanted them to code exactly like me, where coding is a highly personal thing, we actually can read into people minds by reading their code. However, I still have a counter-argument which is that we naturally recognize talent and quality. Things don't have to be exactly identical, but at the same time quality works share many characteristics. Nevertheless, no matter the quality, someone can be dogmatic. It's mostly about how we can see into other perspectives and the emotions we experience, dogmatic people who do high-quality work will feel negative emotions, non-dogmatic people who do high-quality work will feel positive emotions. They are many things to say about this and I feel like I didn't develop enough here, I will maybe write about it later in the future.

I DISTRACT MYSELF FROM CHALLENGES BY RELYING ON ADDICTIONS I noticed this many times in myself. When I'm working, and then a harder challenge arouse I try to avoid it by distracting me with internet, youtube, etc. I had a new client recently, convincing him to work with me was a challenge. Even though I succeeded, I quickly felt to urge to go masturbate after that. I'm still at the beginning of my freelancing business, I'm sure I will succeed, I feel competent and I have the needed skills. However, the beginning is always challenging and stressful. Main lesson: I need to be aware of my addictions, this is homeostasis in action, my mind and body want to stay in their original state. My evolution has to be managed as smoothly as possible.

THIS IS SO INSPIRING

I HAVE SOME ANGER DEEP INSIDE ME.

AFRAID TO SHARE I'm afraid to share some of my dirtiest stuff here. On one hand, I feel more motivated to do personal development as my ego wants to feel good and show people that I'm better than anybody, on the other hand, I'm avoiding things that are deep inside me that could help me grow a lot if I accept and share them here.

I have a bunch of books that I haven't read. I don't know if I should read them now or buy another book that would have a better impact on my life

I'M USING MASTURBATION AS A TOOL TO RELEASE STRESS, ANXIETY, ANGER, AND OTHER NEGATIVE EMOTIONS.

THE FRUSTRATION OF STAGE BLUE IS BACK My stage blue manager lack nuances and is not able to see how some things are not related to the same context. It's difficult to respond to this dude as he speaks fast and in an authoritative style, he's not even present on the project most of the time, but assume things without knowing the details involved. Sometimes I don't know how far I can push my explanations as I'm afraid of some people reactions. It will be maybe better if I communicate in more details my thoughts, try to push a little more and take responsibility for it. Anyway, the end is near, I will quit the company next month, I just need some courage until the end. And of course, in the end, it's really me being frustrated of myself because I'm unable to deal with stage blue. Main lesson: The frustration I feel is my own frustration that I project on some people because I'm unable to deal with, understand, and accept them.

Spend more time with people of different ethnicities. The lectures on this channel are also interesting: https://www.youtube.com/user/sociology119/videos There are many interesting videos (I didn't watch most of them) like: The Social Power of the African American & Black Communities The Average Person Can Become an Extremist How Much Racism is There? By the way, even if you fix it with yourself, the racism issue will still exist in the external environment. I'm mixed race and my mother had many troubles with this, and I also have difficulties sometimes.

"TRY TO CHANGE YOUR PERSONALITY" I was speaking with an old man at the gym last Friday. I told him I was going to quit my job and change city pretty soon, then he told me: "After moving, try to change your personality". I was speechless, I didn't understand what happened. I was feeling really great just before, almost in a flow state, I have always been polite and respectful to him and the coach, I also always put my weights back to their place, and I always say good morning and goodbye. So what's wrong with me? He told me: "You are too shy and shy people get dominated". Whaaaaaaaaaaat? We exchange ideas sometimes, not all the time, but it's still better than many guys who come, don't even say hello and train without saying anything. I also don't go to the gym to speak all the time, but to train, and my time is limited as I need to go to work after that. To get back on the shyness issue. I actually have been shy most of my life and after reflecting I'm probably shyer (and more kind) than two years ago as I got bullied in some environments and felt oppressed many times. So... yes, I'm shy, and my level of shyness vary depending on the environment and the people, but at the same time when I want to speak up, I speak up. I currently don't usually talk to gossip, but only talk for things I consider important. Which is dumb, because nothing is really important in the end, it all depends on a relative context. I sometimes also have this INTP blank stare and maybe some people can find me fragile with some meaninglessness in my eyes. - This is not me, but a picture I found on Google

I'M ADDICTED WHEN I'M NOT HAPPY, WHEN I'M HAPPY I'M MOTIVATED AND DO WHAT'S NEEDED TO SELF-ACTUALIZED.

AN ADDICTIVE EVENING When I went back from work yesterday, I told myself I was going to shower, meditate, eat, prepare food for tomorrow and get shit done. However, I started to have pornographic images in my mind, so I opened my computer and start watching porn. It lasts for about an hour. After ejaculating, I told myself that this is enough and decided to take my shower. I was then supposed to prepare some food and eat but went back to my computer and start watching video game-related stuff on youtube. I didn't play any video game seriously in the past 4-5 years, but I still do some research and watch videos sometimes. I was very impressed by the advanced graphics and physics available today but disgusted by the crunch culture and the fact that some employees are working 100h/week to deliver this kind of results. All of this last until almost 11 PM when I told myself that it was enough. I didn't even have the courage to prepare food and eat, nor to meditate. I just went to sleep feeling crappy and dirty. I had worst episodes then this one and things like this doesn't happen very often, but still happen sometimes. But at the same time, I usually watch porn after work and resisting it only makes things worst. I have to try to accept it and observe myself instead, I feel like it's going to help me more.

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you!

THE INTERDEPENDENCE OF LIFE - The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen Covey Life is interdependent, it's consciousness interacting with itself, being completely independent by itself, and being dependent on itself. This is the only thing and this quote is, in my opinion, a good way to grow. I have to properly interact with all the facets of life to successfully grow as a human being or as consciousness. P-S: The quote isn't probably what's actually written in the book, but the idea is here.

NOT A BADASS I often want to be seeing as this badass dude who doesn't care, doesn't need any help from anybody, and miraculously accomplish anything faster and better alone than any other group of people. The reality is that it's not the case, except on very few occasions where it works. Even if I'm a highly individual and solitary person, I cannot live without a minimum of interaction with other people. I need emotional support many times, I'm not strong/conscious enough to be able to go through hard challenges only by myself. It will be easier with better consciousness, which is going to come as I continue to meditate, train my mind and body. But for the moment I'm grateful for the people who helped me and encouraged me in tough times, they were not a lot of them, but it's still something. Thank you mom, dad, little sister, and others.

Live in the unknown. Kids feel that way because their mind is fresh and empty. Many times, I still have this feeling and I'm not a kid anymore

THERE ARE MANY POSSIBLE WAYS OF DOING MANY POSSIBLE THINGS, YET SOME OF THEM ARE MORE EFFECTIVE AND LEAD TO BETTER RESULTS

SO MANY THOUGHTS Sometimes they randomly go through my mind at a supersonic speed, I'm not even able to remember them. It's probably one form of ADHD, but I can still manage to do my work properly with some effort and proper focus. So, it's not so bad, but I have to work on it. The fact that I'm working most of the time of a computer makes things more complicated. Even if I install tools like StayFocusd, I have a tendency to deactivate it and go do some research on random thoughts.

I REHASH THE PAST TOO MUCH Many mistakes and bad experiences are still in my head. I'm not enough in the present and I'm not enough planning the future.

I don't have any specific jobs, but here are some domains Renewable energy Electric cars Electric planes Environmental related work Education Psychology Philosophy Agriculture Politics Etc. It's possible to do stage yellow work in many domains as long as you are enough stage yellow and know how to relate with lower stages

I want to be an entrepreneur, but at the same time I'm stressed about it, and my last attempt has been terrible, see this. I'm currently trying to start as a freelancer and I successfully get my first client and did the job, however, since last week I'm not able to get any client and this is stressing me. I watched a video yesterday on freelancing, the guy said it was hard at first and that they are many people from poor countries who are very competitive and offer cheap services, then, I quickly entered into a storm of negative thoughts and had trouble to sleep at night. Another thing I want to mention is that I had a very poor experience with an entrepreneur/boss in the past, where I was humiliated by him and some colleagues. I also had a poor experience with managers at work. How to deal with this?

@John Lula @Nahm @JustThinkingAloud Thank you for your messages, I appreciate. I'm less stress compared to last time, but still discouraged as I'm not able to find clients nor tasks that fit with my competencies right now

MY HARDEST ADDICTIONS Internet browsing New information Youtube Porn As Leo said they all boils down to my fear of the void. However, they are not equals. I initially thought about putting them all into the same basket, but they are differences. I'm thinking mostly about porn addiction, this is much harder for me than the other addictions. I have a lot of trouble to avoid it when going back home, even though I succeeded sometimes. Another thing I noted is that not only I'm using these addictions to fill myself, but I'm also using them to release dirty emotions trapped in my whole body. If I were empty from negative emotions I wouldn't have to do so as it would not be in my body. I'm sure I also have subtle addictions, but for the moment I'm only noticing the hard ones.