Raphael

@OmniYoga I read a passage of "Think and Grow Rich!", then I decided to go to sleep. However, I liked what I read so much that I become extremely excited. I'm also really more consistent with my meditation habit since last month. Last time something like this happened was at the end of 2018, by just doing nothing and thinking in my bed. And It's not a joke, this is really how it happened.

Hell on earth: My Dad's life My dad just turns 68 today, 68 of an extremely chaotic life. I remember some years ago when I felt like my life was shit when I was depressed when I wanted to kill myself. All of this is nothing compared to my dad's life, the way he lived, especially when he was young is what we can qualify as hell on earth. My dad was born in a very poor family. He lived with his siblings in straw houses and sheet metal houses, they didn't have their own room, they were all sleeping together on the ground because they were too poor to afford a bed. They were living with insects crawling on their body when they were sleeping, they had to hold the walls of their house when they were some bad weather or a storm because it was so fragile. My dad didn't even have a lot of clothes when he was a kid, he told me he went to school naked sometimes. I don't know if it's true, I personally have many doubts about this. He started to do hard physical work at a very young age, he was cutting sugar canes in the fields at the age of 10 - 12. His dad was an alcoholic who abused him, he was also beating him and his siblings. You think your life is hard? Think twice. This really poor childhood reverberated on his entire life. I saw him angry almost every week, I saw him humiliating people, humiliating my mom, humiliating me. I saw him throwing a knife at my mom when I was a kid. I saw him being extremely aggressive and fearful, I saw his negativity, his irrationality, his extreme reactions. I saw his fear of not having enough money every time I was with him. I rarely got kind words from him or high conscious love, but I got a lot of humiliations, critics, anger, and restrictions. I almost wasn't beaten, but I found the few times it happened was very unfair. I also absorbed some of his neuroticism, his negativity, his criticism, his fear of people. I only started to transform myself 4 - 5 years ago without being very serious about it, but even with that, I still changed a lot. Spiritual work is incredible and so damn powerful. So today I was with my dad in the kitchen and I tell him: "Happy Birthday". It was awkward, his reaction wasn't exceptional, but I still told the man that I hated most of my life "Happy Birthday". It's far better than where I was less than 2 years ago, where I had panic attacks thinking about him, and where I was so hateful that I even wanted to kill him. I'm more accepting my dad now, and I'm accepting that he did the best he can with what he had.

1 November 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: The session went globally pretty well even though they were a lot of noise outside. I tried to concentrate on my breath, but lose it a lot. I kept my eyes closed even if it was quite challenging at the end, this is where I started to move my body a lot, and I also almost open my eyes. My mind was more clear after this meditation.

31 October 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: I kept my eyes closed during the entire meditation. I wanted to do some concentration by making circles with both hands, but my mind went in hundreds of different directions. I was quite agitated and wasn't very concentrated finally. Thankfully, I still felt a little calmer at the end of the meditation.

My emotions change so quickly It's incredible how fast my emotional state can change. I was very stressed for the last few days and had burning feelings in my chest, then this morning I felt incredibly blissful, but now I'm stressed again and have these burning feelings because I did some shit online to another person's business.

30 October 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: I kept my eyes closed during the entire session that went globally very well. I was very happy during this meditation, even though I still had a lot of thoughts. My mind was clearer when I opened my eyes.

29 October 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: My monkey mind was on fire during this session, I wasn't very concentrated nor highly mindful, but I kept my eyes closed during the 45 minutes. I wanted to do some mindfulness in the beginning, but then let go of any kind of control and it ended in creating a thoughts storm. I didn't feel a huge difference of consciousness after the session.

Too much pressure I really put too much stress and pressure on myself currently. This is not helping me and I feel how it hit my productivity. I also have some burning feeling in my stomach because of this.

28 October 2019 Time: 33 minutes 5 seconds Summary: I found this session really difficult, I was very sleepy as I only slept four hours last night. I started to meditate after 9 PM, I felt uncomfortable, I wanted to pee, I wanted to poop, and I really wanted to go to sleep. I stopped before the 45 minutes, did a poo and then went to bed immediately.

27 October 2019 Time: 0 minutes Summary: I didn't meditate, I was too stress because of my freelancing business so I decided to put it aside.

Why I'm uncomfortable with my psychologist I think I understand why I am uncomfortable with my psychologist. The reason is that: she has stage blue/orange shadows and she is probably mostly around orange with some blue and green elements. As I am uncomfortable with low orange/blue, it's understandable that I don't feel at ease with her. One day she told me that there are even people that don't believe in god, she judges some group of people very quickly and I personally feel judged by her. One day when I was seeing her at the beginning I told her that I was working with French people in my company, I don't remember the details, but at a point, she told me something like "Mauritians thinks that white people are superior". Of course, it doesn't mean that much now as I forget the original discussion, but I remember that she had these thoughts before other ones can and this can be an indication of her consciousness level. She also has biases on people who smoke weed and on psychedelics, and she is not open to them. I told her many times about my plans for life, but she always tries to orient me in another direction. I told her that I'm starting freelancing and want to continue in that direction but ask at each session if I'm searching for another job. She's not even focused and doesn't listen to me sometimes and say the complete opposite that I say before. In my opinion, a psychologist who is mostly at stage orange is too low on the spiral to help people. The minimum should be stage green/yellow and this is rare to find. Many people finish high school, go study psychology in college, get a degree, and call themselves a psychologist. This is total bullshit. Psychology needs a lot of diverse life experience including spiritual practices. Most psychologists should start practicing only after 35 - 40 years of age and even there they still need to stay open to other perspectives. I have been seeing her for too long now and I think the time to stop is approaching.

26 October 2019 TIme: 45 minutes Summary: This session went really well, I kept my eyes closed and didn't move my body that much. I still had a lot of random thoughts, but at the same time, I feel like these 45 minutes went like 20 -30 minutes or even less. I felt pretty good in the end.

25 October 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: I almost skipped today's meditation as I was pretty busy and also lazy at the same time. I meditated just before going to bed and I'm quite surprised by how smooth the session went. I kept my eyes closed and didn't move my body a lot, but I still had many random thoughts. In the end, I felt refreshed, more conscious, and calmer.

24 October 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: I had a lot of thoughts today, my mind was like in a fog, but I didn't move my body a lot and I managed to keep my eyes closed. I tried to meditate with my palms directed to the sky, they were always closing themselves a little. I didn't felt a huge difference of consciousness after the session.

More orange, less green I feel like I'm a little more at stage orange than I thought when I started this journal. It's maybe because I'm currently quite stressed and I'm more in my lower self, but I'm not sure... Currently, I feel I'm at: Blue: 10% Orange: 60% Green: 20% Yellow: 10%

23 October 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: I was quite agitated today as I'm stressed because of my freelancing business, however, I still managed to keep my eyes closed during the entire session. I moved my body a lot, did some burps, search my nose, and I didn't felt a huge difference of consciousness in the end.

22 October 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: I kept my eyes closed during the entire session, but moved my body a lot, did some burps, scratch myself, and searched my nose. I was also quite sleepy as I had trouble to sleep for the last days because of stress. I don't consider this meditation as really successful and I didn't felt a difference in consciousness in the end.

21 October 2019 TIme: 45 minutes Summary: The session went well, even though it was a little difficult at the end. I succeed to keep my eyes closed, but I moved my body sometimes, did some burps, and scratch myself a little. I also felt a little sad when I had thoughts about non-actualizing people and the fact that most of them will never be able a understand even a little how reality works. My mind was clearer after I finished my meditation.

I want to keep some privacy on this forum even though someone who knows me can still recognize me with all the information I shared here. Anyway, I think I can learn by doing some research and watching some tutorials. If you have some links or simple advice for beginners, I will be pleased to hear them

20 October 2019 TIme: 45 minutes Summary: I find this session a little harder than yesterday, but I think it was pretty good overall. I maybe blinked at a moment, I'm not sure... I also had a lot of random thoughts and my mind wasn't really clear, nevertheless, I felt more appeased in the end.

Nice videos! Do you guys have some advice on starting a little stretching routine? My body is very rigid and I would like to improve that

19 October 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: I'm quite surprised by how well this session went. I kept my back very straight throughout all the 45 minutes, I almost didn't move my body, and also kept my eyes closed. I had a little burp one time, and of course, I had random thoughts. I felt pretty good at the end.

18 October 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: I originally wanted to focus on my breath but got lost in thoughts too much. I also opened my eyes at 25:09 when I repositioned my body. At one moment, I felt like I was merging with everything, I felt very lightweight and didn't have any thoughts for maybe 10-15 seconds. In the end, I felt refreshed and more conscious after this session.

17 October 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: This session went pretty well. I kept my eyes closed, moved my body a little, chew my lips, and searched my nose a little. I didn't feel a huge difference in my consciousness at the end of the meditation.

16 October 2019 Time: 45 minutes Summary: This session went globally pretty well. I closed my room's windows to avoid external noises and managed to keep my eyes closed. I tried to focus on my respiration this time, I lost it, went back to it, lost it again, went back to it again, and so on. I was a little sweaty at the end because of the heat and the lack of aeration in my room and I did not feel a huge difference in my consciousness level.