Raphael

15 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I initially wanted to focus on my breath, but my monkey mind took control instead. I had a lot of thoughts, but I also had moments where I felt very calm and lightweight in the chaos. I didn't move my body a lot and my back was very straight during all the session, however, I scratched myself quite a bit. I was a little more agitated near the end and I didn't felt more conscious when I opened my eyes.

It seems like we also have this in common

What 2020 Is Going To Be About This year is going to be about mostly three things: Financial Independence: Freelance web development and if I have enough time I will also start some web application projects. I need to build up discipline and a more organized work system to be successful here. Strengthening Spiritual Practices: I'm going to continue to do 1 hour of meditation per day and I'm also envisaging to start a Krya Yoga practice. When I'll start Yoga I will probably alternate my days with meditation/yoga. Health And Fitness: I'm going to continue to go to the gym, but I think I'm going to change my workout. I would also like to start a stretching routine as my body is stiff. I will maybe switch my diet to a vegetarian one, but I'm not sure for the moment.

Where I Am On The Spiral Red (5%): I have some elements of red inside of me. I didn't put it here before, but I'm more conscious now and I can see it when it's coming out. It's not really bad as I'm in control of it and that part of myself of too small to take over. I never scream at people or get outraged, but at the same time, I feel like I lack a proper integration of this stage. Blue (10%): I'm at the same level as before here, I also lack a proper integration of this stage as I'm quite messy, lazy, and undisciplined. I'm still too concerned about people's opinions of me. Orange (55%): I'm currently starting up the business phase of my life, I'm discovering a lot of stuff, but I'm not very successful for the moment. I have trouble to deal with clients, I accept too many abusive conditions because I want to get started fast, but it always backfires on me and I don't get paid a lot. Green (20%): I'm a little less green than I originally thought. I still think that all people are equals, but at the same time we all have different living conditions and different psychologies, so in the absolute sense we are all equals, but from the human being perspective, we all have a lot of differences that need to be taken into consideration when dealing with people. I'm now meditating 1 hour per day, but I never tried psychedelics and I don't envisage doing it before at least 2 - 3 years. I still think that businesses need to work in a conscious manner that is respectful of the environment, people, and other living species. I continue to eat pretty healthy most of the time. Yellow (10%): I'm more nuanced than ever in my life and I always try to look at things from different perspectives. I also have more emotional mastery than before and I try to understand and be more compassionate towards other people. However, paradoxically I think I have a sense of superiority where I consider that I'm more intelligent than most people and that there's no need to interact with them because they will not understand me anyway. I'm currently very isolated. Turquoise (0%): Not there yet

14 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I tried to concentrate on my breath and it was pretty challenging, I didn't maintain the concentration for the full hour, in fact, I let it go after some time, my concentration is not really good. At a moment, I felt I had a pic of energy in my forehead, it felt strange. I move my body a little, I had a lot of thoughts, and I didn't felt more conscious when I opened my eyes.

13 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: The session went pretty well. I let my mind do whatever it wanted so I had a lot of thoughts, I didn't move my body a lot and my back was very straight all the time. I feel I have some devilish aspects in myself because I had some stage red very destructive thoughts, this needs to be fixed. I felt calmer when I opened my eyes, but I my back was painful.

12 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I tried to concentrate on my breath today and return to it every times I get caught in thoughts. I lost it a lot and was not that much aware when it was happening. I didn't move my body a lot, except near the end where I was a little more agitated. I didn't felt more conscious when I opened my eyes.

Mr. Robot is phenomenal! It's my favorite TV Show, but it is a little difficult to understand seasons after seasons.

11 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I tried to concentrate on my breath but didn't really succeed because my monkey mind was too loud, I also move my body quite a lot. I didn't felt more conscious when I opened my eyes.

10 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I was quite tense today and also stressed because of my freelancing business, I had an insane amount of thoughts but I didn't move my body a lot except near the end. I kept it up and did the full hour, I felt a little calmer, clearer, and more conscious when I opened my eyes.

9 January 2020 Time: 30 minutes 29 seconds Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I was a little too exhausted today to be able to meditate properly, I was also quite agitated and had a lot of thoughts. I got the need to poo in the middle, so I stopped here and I didn't felt more conscious.

Thank you for your recommendation, but I don't think I will have the time to read it. I'm struggling to maintain the 1 hour, I think I'm going to brute force it.

8 January 2020 Time: 56 minutes 55 seconds Eyes always closed: No Summary: I was very agitated today, I had a lot of thought and moved my body a lot. I was angry thinking about the stupidity of stage blue. I didn't felt more conscious when I opened my eyes.

7 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I found this session a little more difficult than yesterday as I was quite sleepy. I had a lot of thoughts but didn't move my body that much, except near the end, I also searched my nose at a moment. I felt calmer and more conscious when I opened my eyes.

6 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I was a little sad during this meditation because of a bad social experience yesterday, it's clear that I still have social anxiety issues. I didn't let the sadness put down my meditation, so I pushed through the 1 hour anyway. I moved my body quite a lot near the end. I felt lighter when I opened my eyes.

5 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: Today's meditation was a little more difficult and painful than yesterday, but I kept it up. I had a lot of thoughts, but I didn't move my body a lot except near the end. I felt lighter when I opened my eyes, but I had some back pain.

4 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: Today's meditation was very intense. They were a lot of external noises and I had a lot of thoughts, but I almost didn't move my body and kept my back straight for almost all the session. I definitely felt more conscious when I opened my eyes, my mind was also clearer and calmer.

3 January 2020 Time: 56 minutes 8 seconds Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I had more difficulties meditating then yesterday, I moved my body a lot more and was pretty sweaty because of the heat. I was also distracted by all the noises outside. I didn't felt a difference of consciousness when I opened my eyes.

2 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: The session went pretty good, I had a lot of thoughts, but I almost didn't move my body except near the end. I felt lighter when I opened my eyes.

@Raptorsin7 Thanks as usual!

Thanks. I feel good, but I'm currently recalibrating myself as I loosed momentum at the end of the year.

1 January 2020 Time: 0 seconds Eyes always closed: No Summary: I was very lazy and didn't meditate today.

Overview Of The Last Five Years: 2015 - 2019 2015: Graduation And New Discoveries I graduated from high school as the first of my section. I felt at the top of the world, but at the same time, I felt that it was superficial and didn't matter at all. After graduation, I choose to study in France, my mom accompanied me until Paris, after that I took the train alone by myself, an 18-year-old kid in an almost unknown country. I discovered in depth what a first-world country looks like, discovered the cold, and for the first time in my life met (at first glance) like-minded people. It was the first time that I lived by myself, I felt extremely lonely at the beginning. At the end of the year, I discovered actualized.org by entering "Fuck Society" on youtube, the first video that I watch was "30 Ways Society Fucks You In The Ass" 2016: Existential Crisis I started to meditate during this year, but my solitude was so high and I felt so out of the place in France that I had my first existential crisis. My entire world collapsed and my selfish dreams with it, I realized that the reason I wanted to become a successful rich and powerful entrepreneur was to take my revenge on life against many people who treated me badly in the past. I was angry and wanted to become someone of power to be able to dominate other people. I fell in a deep depression when I realized how selfish I was. I also had this year my first spiritual experience who scared the shit out of me, I felt like I was dying, I wasn't feeling I was looking at myself in the mirror, but just at another human being. 2017: Recovery, Another Experience Abroad, And Fall Again The existential crisis continued at the beginning of the year, but I wanted to evolve and notably become more social. My university had an agreement with another university in the UK to exchange eight students for an internship and I chose to be part of it. As we didn't have a lot of money, we choose to live together in the same house. We had some trouble, but we sorted that out. I worked closely with a local researcher/teacher and a student. I improved my English a lot through practicing, I also for the first time went to nightclubs. I felt good in my group, I was doing things differently, but they accepted myself and I liked it. I was happy during this internship. After that, I went back to France, got my degree and got back to Mauritius where I found another internship. When I got back I realized the psychological gap between people in Europe and people in my native country. I felt like a foreigner in my own native country and many people thought the same. I got bullied a lot in my workplace and I realized how closed-minded people are, they didn't accept any kind of difference. I quitted after three months were I should have stayed at least one year. 2018: Deepest Depression So Far I got back to my parent's house after quitting my job last year and fall into a very deep depression. I was very angry at the world and at my dad in particular. I found another job in another company a little far away from my home, so I had to take the bus and spent 3 hours in public transports every day. I was waking up at 4:30 AM, going to the gym, preparing myself, taking the bus from 6:30 - 7:00 AM and I was back home at 6:00 PM. I also wanted to create my own business, so I started to work in the bus, at night, and during the weekend. At a moment the pressure and all the negative emotions were so high that I exploded and experienced my first panic attacks. Some months after that I chose to live my family house to go live in the same city where I worked to stay away from my dad and stop losing time in public transport. I had some more panic attacks in my little apartment, but find out that I needed to accept an love myself otherwise it would have killed me. Due to my lack of knowledge and experience, the business I was working on collapsed. However, I started to feel better at the end of the year by accepting myself and letting go of the past. I even had some moments of extase where I was blown away by reality. 2019: Resurrection I choose to let go and accept everything during this year, I started to love myself a lot more and accept the unconsciousness of my country. I started to understand a lot of things who pushed me more into stage green/yellow. I felt better and better, happier and happier. I didn't do a lot of things during this year, but I recovered a lot from past traumas. I quit my job and went live back in my family house again, I accepted my dad and its impulsiveness, I started loving things that I never loved before and I started a freelance web development business. I pushed my meditation habit to 1 hour per day, and I felt happier than I've ever been in my life.

Use Wordpress (I'm a freelance web developer by the way).

31 December 2019 Time: 52 minutes 37 seconds Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I found this session very difficult, I tried to bring love to help me, but failed to do it. I was a little sleepy and moved my body a lot near the end. I didn't felt more conscious when I opened my eyes.