Raphael

4 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: Today's meditation was very intense. They were a lot of external noises and I had a lot of thoughts, but I almost didn't move my body and kept my back straight for almost all the session. I definitely felt more conscious when I opened my eyes, my mind was also clearer and calmer.

3 January 2020 Time: 56 minutes 8 seconds Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I had more difficulties meditating then yesterday, I moved my body a lot more and was pretty sweaty because of the heat. I was also distracted by all the noises outside. I didn't felt a difference of consciousness when I opened my eyes.

2 January 2020 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: The session went pretty good, I had a lot of thoughts, but I almost didn't move my body except near the end. I felt lighter when I opened my eyes.

@Raptorsin7 Thanks as usual!

Thanks. I feel good, but I'm currently recalibrating myself as I loosed momentum at the end of the year.

1 January 2020 Time: 0 seconds Eyes always closed: No Summary: I was very lazy and didn't meditate today.

Overview Of The Last Five Years: 2015 - 2019 2015: Graduation And New Discoveries I graduated from high school as the first of my section. I felt at the top of the world, but at the same time, I felt that it was superficial and didn't matter at all. After graduation, I choose to study in France, my mom accompanied me until Paris, after that I took the train alone by myself, an 18-year-old kid in an almost unknown country. I discovered in depth what a first-world country looks like, discovered the cold, and for the first time in my life met (at first glance) like-minded people. It was the first time that I lived by myself, I felt extremely lonely at the beginning. At the end of the year, I discovered actualized.org by entering "Fuck Society" on youtube, the first video that I watch was "30 Ways Society Fucks You In The Ass" 2016: Existential Crisis I started to meditate during this year, but my solitude was so high and I felt so out of the place in France that I had my first existential crisis. My entire world collapsed and my selfish dreams with it, I realized that the reason I wanted to become a successful rich and powerful entrepreneur was to take my revenge on life against many people who treated me badly in the past. I was angry and wanted to become someone of power to be able to dominate other people. I fell in a deep depression when I realized how selfish I was. I also had this year my first spiritual experience who scared the shit out of me, I felt like I was dying, I wasn't feeling I was looking at myself in the mirror, but just at another human being. 2017: Recovery, Another Experience Abroad, And Fall Again The existential crisis continued at the beginning of the year, but I wanted to evolve and notably become more social. My university had an agreement with another university in the UK to exchange eight students for an internship and I chose to be part of it. As we didn't have a lot of money, we choose to live together in the same house. We had some trouble, but we sorted that out. I worked closely with a local researcher/teacher and a student. I improved my English a lot through practicing, I also for the first time went to nightclubs. I felt good in my group, I was doing things differently, but they accepted myself and I liked it. I was happy during this internship. After that, I went back to France, got my degree and got back to Mauritius where I found another internship. When I got back I realized the psychological gap between people in Europe and people in my native country. I felt like a foreigner in my own native country and many people thought the same. I got bullied a lot in my workplace and I realized how closed-minded people are, they didn't accept any kind of difference. I quitted after three months were I should have stayed at least one year. 2018: Deepest Depression So Far I got back to my parent's house after quitting my job last year and fall into a very deep depression. I was very angry at the world and at my dad in particular. I found another job in another company a little far away from my home, so I had to take the bus and spent 3 hours in public transports every day. I was waking up at 4:30 AM, going to the gym, preparing myself, taking the bus from 6:30 - 7:00 AM and I was back home at 6:00 PM. I also wanted to create my own business, so I started to work in the bus, at night, and during the weekend. At a moment the pressure and all the negative emotions were so high that I exploded and experienced my first panic attacks. Some months after that I chose to live my family house to go live in the same city where I worked to stay away from my dad and stop losing time in public transport. I had some more panic attacks in my little apartment, but find out that I needed to accept an love myself otherwise it would have killed me. Due to my lack of knowledge and experience, the business I was working on collapsed. However, I started to feel better at the end of the year by accepting myself and letting go of the past. I even had some moments of extase where I was blown away by reality. 2019: Resurrection I choose to let go and accept everything during this year, I started to love myself a lot more and accept the unconsciousness of my country. I started to understand a lot of things who pushed me more into stage green/yellow. I felt better and better, happier and happier. I didn't do a lot of things during this year, but I recovered a lot from past traumas. I quit my job and went live back in my family house again, I accepted my dad and its impulsiveness, I started loving things that I never loved before and I started a freelance web development business. I pushed my meditation habit to 1 hour per day, and I felt happier than I've ever been in my life.

Use Wordpress (I'm a freelance web developer by the way).

31 December 2019 Time: 52 minutes 37 seconds Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I found this session very difficult, I tried to bring love to help me, but failed to do it. I was a little sleepy and moved my body a lot near the end. I didn't felt more conscious when I opened my eyes.

30 December 2019 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I tried to concentrate on my breath for this session, but it didn't go well as I was quite sleepy and I also had an insane amount of thoughts. The ending was quite difficult and I moved more my body near the end. I felt a little calmer and more conscious when I opened my eyes.

I currently just let go and accept everything. I feel the love and then generate it by myself.

29 December 2019 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: This session went very well, I had a lot of thoughts, but I almost didn't move my body. I bring love to my medidation just like yesterday and it helped me a lot, love is the solution to last longer and do everything better in life. I felt more conscious and calmer when I opened my eyes.

28 December 2019 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: This was a good session despite all the noise outside as the neighbor was using his lawnmower. I had a lot of thoughts, but I almost didn't move my body. I have been able to keep it up because I brought the more love that I could during this session. I definitely felt in the different state of consciousness when I opened my eyes, I was calmer and in a flow state.

27 December 2019 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: No Summary: The session went well overall. I had a lot of thoughts that I don't even remember. The ending was more difficult and I opened my eyes at a moment near the end. I felt clearer after this meditation.

26 December 2019 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: No Summary: I was quite agitated during this session. I also had some negative and angry thoughts because I let myself be affected by my dad's dumb and impulsive behaviors. I moved my body and searched my nose sometimes, however, I felt like this session went really fast, it was like a 20 - 30 minutes sessions, but I opened my eyes near the end and then closed them again. I didn't feel more conscious after the session.

25 December 2019 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: This session was a little more difficult than yesterday, but at the same time I felt like it went faster maybe like 30 - 40 minutes instead of 1 hour. I had a lot of thoughts and moved my body quite sometimes, I felt calmer when I opened my eyes.

Thanks, bro. Your always here to bring positivity and encouragement to people

Better Than I Thought I realized a few days ago that I'm doing better in life than most people. Growing up as a kid, I was very anxious and depressed most of the time, I thought I was poor, that I had a bad family, a bad dad, that I was uglier and dumber than other people. I don't know why, but I attracted a lot of criticism and negativity from other kids and my family. I was the calm and shy kid who would get bullied without any reason. I understand now better how other people are reactive and insecure, they do all this stuff because they are uncomfortable with people being comfortable in solitude and silence. Of course, I also had and still have my issues, and I'm still reactive against some things, but I'm currently far better than I have ever been. I'm not living this stage orange materialistic life that many people of my age want to live, it doesn't attract me. I live simply with my family, I have healthy food, clean water, internet access, a gym membership, and a lot of alone time. I still need a few things, but the essential is here, and I'm satisfied with it. Most people are more fucked up than I am, they are always concerned about their social status, about getting material stuff, where I don't care that much. In summary, life is good and has never been that good before for me.

24 December 2019 Time: 1 hour Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: This was a great meditation session. I had many thoughts, but I almost didn't move my body, except near the end. Nothing exceptional happened, but I did a full hour without opening my eyes. I didn't felt a huge difference of consciousness when I opened my eyes.

23 December 2019 Time: 46 minutes 5 seconds Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I had a lot of thoughts and I felt like this session was pretty long where I didn't even do 1 hour. I think I'm maybe experiencing a backslash after several days of consistent practice. Meditation is like going to the gym, skipping one session makes the following ones more difficult, that's why it's important to be consistent.

22 December 2019 Time: 0 seconds Eyes always closed: No Summary: I didn't meditate today too because of the same reason than yesterday. I'm started to get a little more clients as a freelancer, all of this is new to me and I have to learn to manage my time and emotions better.

21 December 2019 Time: 0 seconds Eyes always closed: No Summary: I didn't meditate, my day was too agitated as I worked at least 12 hours yesterday.

I usually wake up, eat, go to the gym, and then meditate. However, things are going a little like shit today, so I'll probably meditate in the evening.

20 December 2019 Time: 57 minutes 17 seconds Eyes always closed: Yes Summary: I found this session very difficult, I was a little sleepy and at the same time very agitated. I moved my body a lot and scratched myself sometimes. I didn't felt more conscious when I opened my eyes.

@Amandine Thanks I sit on my bed in the morning, becoming conscious straight from the morning helps me throughout all day.