Raphael

If I'm really honest with myself, I don't know if I really want that. I don't want anything that I'm not passionate about. - 29 October 2026

I want to become someone that I will be proud of when I will be 40. - 18 October 2026

“You’re still young” I cannot count how many times people have told me that I was still young. In my mind I’m like “Yes, I’m still young, but for how long?”. I will reach 30 in five months and I feel like I wasted a lot of time not appreciating life, nor improving the world but instead dealing with health issues and sorting personal issues. I’m still young but at the same time I’m not that young. While I feel I still have the same amount of energy I had when I was 20, I now have more and more grey hairs. I’m getting old quickly and this is scary. -29 October 2026

I had a fight with a woman a few days ago. She complained that my dogs were pooping in front of her house. I could understand her frustration but at the same time her house is aside of the road where I walk and there isn’t any other natural space in the area. Moreover, I’m not the only one who walks dogs; there are other people who do. When I told her that she told me that only my dogs are pooping there and I don’t think that it’s true (in reality, I don’t see them pooping a lot here). Dogs are dogs; when they want to poo, they poo. Other dogs can also poo. We started to fight when she asked me to prevent my dogs from pooping here and when I told her that I cannot guarantee that. I usually don’t like conflicts; I try to keep a low profile and to avoid them as much as I can but I chose to engage this time. I raised my voice and it felt great to be assertive for one time and not let someone walk over me. It was a great occasion to practice stage red assertiveness. - 25 October 2026

Motivational Issues Reasons behind my lack of motivation: Poor health: I have schizophrenia. I was diagnosed in 2025, but I started to have psychotic symptoms in 2022. Because of that, I was depressed and did nothing for a few years, literally nothing: No work, no sport, no spirituality, etc. I would stay in my bed all day long. Social isolation: I’m too isolated, too individualistic. It’s difficult to get motivated when there aren’t people to share my experience with. To think that my situation is a dead end: this reason feels very important. I felt this way for several years, but looking back now, I can see that I still have some control. Because of some circumstances, I’m stuck in some ways, but I can still make something by taking more actions. Lack of vision: I have been lost for a few years, not knowing which direction to take, not knowing what I want, nor who I am. It is better now; I know that I want a successful business. - 18 October 2026

Smoking and drinking alcohol. Many high school kids start to drink and/or smoke to be perceived as cool/as adult.

Sport (weight lifting + running) Meditation Reading I also go for walks with my dogs

I noticed that I can't appreciate life properly. I always find something wrong with what I'm doing. When I'm working (I do web development), I don't find it fulfilling and tell myself that this is too technical and lacks human connection. When I'm with people, I tell myself that I'm not very social and that I'm better alone. What to do to appreciate life?

I lost it three years ago. I had a psychotic episode and was sent to the psychiatric hospital. After that, I was depressed for at least two years, I feel better now even though life is imperfect. Yes, the projects that I worked on were all for other people but I wasn't in contact with them directly. Ok.

The issue I have is that it feels like a waste of time. I know that I can help many people by creating a website or web app but at the same time I will don't think about technical stuff on my deathbed. Claude Code made the work even less interesting imo.

This woman feels very yellow. https://www.sonaltherapy.com/

The desire to succeed and to become a great person who will be remembered is the essence of Orange.

Life in space is pretty interesting.

I'm proud that I never smoked a cigarette. I'm proud that I don't drink alcohol. I'm proud that I'm able to maintain a clean diet. I'm proud that I haven't watch porn for more than a year. I'm proud that I have almost no addictions (except the internet). I'm proud of all the work that I did to heal my childhood traumas and young adult traumas. I'm proud of the maturity that I gained over the last five years.

How do you learn from the books that you read? I personally take notes in my commonplace book but the issue is that I quickly forget the content, so I have to go back to my notes. I would like to be able to remember and understand more from what I'm reading.

Thanks for your answers. I never thought about the fact that my mind won't learn something it doesn't need.

Of course it comes from trauma for most achievers. I used to put pressure on myself and overwork only to prove to myself that I was worthy.

- 17/12/2025

Sometimes every day is different, sometimes they are the same. For me, they have been pretty chaotic in the last four years with a variety of emotions. I changed in many ways, gained some maturity, and lost some things. I wouldn't say that my situation is ideal; things could be better, but I'm happy to be in a much more stable state than I was two or three years ago. This journal is going to start like the first one that I created on this forum: I know where I'm going, but I'm not sure where this journal will go. I'm here, but I'm not sure why I am here... maybe because I want to progress? - 24/08/2025