Raphael

If I reflect on my life, I have never been really happy overall. I'm on antidepressant and my state is not a state where I'm super depressed but at the same time I'm not happy. I feel that I'm not living up my potential, I feel that I should be a better person, that I should be accomplishing more, that I should be changing the world but I'm not. My life lacks meaning and purpose. I thought in the past that being fit and healthy would make me happy but it didn't. I thought that meditation would make me happy but it didn't. It's hard to motivate me to do things: to wake up early, to work, to do some physical exercises, etc.

Yes, I can but I'm keeping it to myself.

Happiness, where are you? I'm not a person who experiences a lot of happiness. I have never been a very happy person. I'm not super depressed but at the same time I'm not happy although I have everything that I need to be happy. I'm often indifferent to everything and I also feel that I'm not living up my potential. I feel that I should be better, that I should be accomplishing more, that I should be a better person, that I should be changing the world but I'm not. I lack meaning and purpose. In the past, I thought that being fit and healthy would make me happy so I went to the gym, I ate healthy but it didn't make me happy. I thought that meditation would make me happy but it didn't. It's hard to motivate me to do things: to wake up early, to work, to do some physical exercises, etc. Happiness is just hard to find for me. - 26/10/2025

Sometimes every day is different, sometimes they are the same. For me, they have been pretty chaotic in the last four years with a variety of emotions. I changed in many ways, gained some maturity, and lost some things. I wouldn't say that my situation is ideal; things could be better, but I'm happy to be in a much more stable state than I was two or three years ago. This journal is going to start like the first one that I created on this forum: I know where I'm going, but I'm not sure where this journal will go. I'm here, but I'm not sure why I am here... maybe because I want to progress? - 24/08/2025

Fear of entrepreneurship Though I want to continue as a freelancer, I experience a certain degree of fear. I already have an experience as a freelancer but it was a failure. I couldn't get paid properly because of self-esteem issues. Now I experience similar fears: I'm afraid of lacking technical skills: I know my limits but it can happen. I will probably sometimes have to create things that I have never created before which will require skills that I didn't have. If this happens, I hope that I will be able to learn the skills quickly. I'm afraid of not respecting deadlines: there are always unforeseen events in web development and deadlines are rarely respected. To respect them, I will have to take time in addition to the time planned, but even if I do so I'm afraid of going over the limits. I'm afraid of not being social enough: this is the weakest point of my personality; I'm not a social person. I usually don't have that much to say so I go blank during social interactions. I'm afraid of appearing weird, of not being able to create a social connection with clients and therefore failing to build engagement and maintain clients. Those are the three things that I'm the most afraid of and because of that I procrastinate. However, I will continue to push forward. - 24/09/2025

It helps but it's not essential. I had a boss who was successful but had a very authoritative, disagreeable personality.

New website I have finished the website I have been working on. I will include it in my portfolio as a demonstration project. I need to go faster, though. I lost too much time procrastinating, not doing anything. The next step is to create the company. - 15/09/2025

10/09/2025 therapy session I had a session with my therapist today. I told her that some things are going well and some things are going a little less well — a bit like everyone. What is going well is that I'm emotionally stable, I feel fine, normal. What is a bit less good is that I didn't get the job for which I went for an interview. The person said that he was not currently recruiting. Because of that, because it's going to be hard to find a job in my field in my area, and because I already have a past experience, I told her about my project to continue as a freelancer. I just want to complete this project that I'm working on and then I will need help with the paperwork to set up the business. Another thing that is a bit less well is that I still have negative thoughts about traumatic work experiences that involved two people. We are six to height years after the events and I still think about them every day. After telling that, she made me do an exercise to release the dark energy and regain my own energy. She told me to write on a paper what I would like to say to these people, then to close my eyes, imagine these people in front of me, and say what I wanted to say to them. The exercise involved breathing and visualizing energy moving out of me to them, and pure light energy going back to me and purifying me. The exercise ended by me making a ball of paper with the paper where I had written what I wanted to say and then burning it at home. That's everything for this session, she ended by telling me that next time we will start working with the body more as traumas and past memories are located there. - 10/09/2025

Personally I'm not interested in spirituality. I'm here for everything else, but not spirituality.

Work is hard While I'm not depressed, I have difficulties getting back to work. As I didn't work for the last few years because I was pursuing healing, I lost in productivity. I have been lacking motivation, passion, and purpose since 2022. It's not at the worst point, though, when I was seriously depressed, I would stay in my bed all day long doing nothing. Currently, I have difficulties waking up in the morning, but when I get started, I'm usually fine for the rest of the day. I feel that I am slowly moving out of this difficult, empty, and lazy phase. It's already better than what it was one month ago, and in all cases, I don't have any choice but to go back to work. I'm confident that I will slowly regain my productivity. - 08/09/2025

Good luck to you! It's perfectly possible to recover from drugs and be successful later.

More peace, less anger I have been on this journey for almost 10 years now, and despite experiencing a lot of chaos in the last four years, I have made overall significant progress. I'm much more at peace with the world. I used to carry a lot of anger with me; I used to hate people and hate the world. Not so much now. I still have a degree of social anxiety, but it's manageable; I feel much less handicapped than before. Though I didn't work in the last three years because of my health, I'm happy to be where I am. - 03/09/2025

A calmer mind I have an overall calmer mind than I did before. I still have thoughts but they are less intrusive and less neurotic; it's agreeable. I'm not sure why though: maybe it's the medications or maybe it's the fact that I don't consume much content anymore. I almost watched none of Leo's videos in the past four years and I don't watch anything else either. It feels great, it gives my mind space to focus on the most important things. Counterintuitively, quitting personal development and spirituality content improved the quality of my life. - 31/08/2025

Truth and kindness?

Life after psychosis In July 2023, I was transferred to the psychiatric hospital after a psychotic episode. Symptoms started much earlier though and they were typical symptoms of a psychosis: auditory hallucinations (hearing voices), delusional ideas, and false beliefs about reality. I didn't really know what was happening to me at first; I was seeing a psychologist but I didn't tell him that I was hearing voices. Nevertheless, at one point, he told me that I was having a psychosis. Before telling me that he told me to do some Reiki, so I started to go to a Reiki healer. I did many sessions and progressed a lot but it wasn't enough: at a point everything crashed and this is where I was transferred to the hospital. I stayed at the hospital for one week, I don't have many memories except that I woke up with my hands tied to my bed and that I got beaten by other patients. I started taking medication after I got out of the hospital but they weren't that effective, so my psychologist recommended another psychiatrist. The psychiatrist put me on antidepressant and antipsychotic and this time it worked. They actually have been pretty effective on me. As time passed, I started to feel better. The psychologist that I was seeing quit the country so I had to find a new one to help me. I started a new therapy and discovered pranic healing. I made more progress and gained in maturity. During this empty period I also learned to drive and got my driving license two months ago. Though, as this is life, I still experience ups and downs but normal ones now. I now know how bad things can be so even if I don't have that much I'm overall satisfied with my life. My main objective is now to relaunch my freelance business so that I don't need to rely on the government's pension anymore. - 27/08/2025

You made me laugh.

You lack nuances.

What is success for you? Money? Fame? A stable situation? Or something else?

Mauritius: 7/10 It's the most developed country in Africa and it's overall fine. The government is stable, it's generally safe with low violent crime, the climate is agreeable with temperatures around 33 °F the winter and below 86 °F in the summer, there are beautiful beaches all around, and the population is multicultural (a mix between mostly Indians, Africans, French, and Chinese). However, it's quite dirty and disorganized, people don't earn that much money, lack education and good manners, there's a growing drug crisis, many goods are imported which causes them to be expensive, and LGBT+ rights aren't that much of a thing.

Things are getting worse.

Yes.

It doesn't always put you at a low perspective. In most cases, demonizing comes from the lower self and close-mindedness, so it puts someone at a low level. However, as perspectives have unequal qualities, not all demonizing is the same. It's possible to demonize consciously. Demonizing a toxic perspective is a great thing as it helps to keep it away from infecting the mainstream. Demonizing nazism is a great thing because nazism is a toxic view + it doesn't put me in a low position to do it.

I'm surprise to see how much Yellow there is.

I have difficulties identifying myself.