Marinus

I read once that a study showed that only men (not women) that look smart have a positive correlation with being smart. And what people call nerds are mostly "smart people" and they don't look like alpha males, but instead like smart people. Anyway the reason for saying this is that maybe there is a correlation with physique appearance and being a bad boy. Some men look stronger than others like the mesomorph body type and others look weaker. I mean this a factor that also influences this mental picture of what men are face value or am I mistaken?

27 - 11 - 2019 Today I again made some progress in the gym. I was able to increase the difficulty of every exercise. In a couple of minutes I will have a drinking game with fellow dorm students, that's an opportunity to socialize for me. Meditation went bad, because I was more distracted than average. My Primedynamicwisdom instagram page has a little more followers now so hopefully I will walk in my brothers footsteps and positively influence the world.

26 - 11 - 2019 I failed two thing. No-fap and watching a movie again. I also felt down, is this a homeostasis symptom or not? Wing chun was fun though despite not having much motivation to go. I also listened to some love songs which I rarely do, might this be the cause? On the positive note, I have more belly fat, which is great! It means my BMI is getting healthier.

25-11-2019 My second day went well. I managed to make progress in the gym with every exercise. I also have everything recorded in excel regarding that. I watched a film which wasn't the plan. I still find it very difficult to stop watching films and series it's one of my biggest demons. I sometimes wonder what I would do if I lived in a time were it didn't exist. Would I read more books I wonder. In the end it are all stories. Today I felt very grateful to be alive in a time like this. I don't have to fight to death, worry about food, worry about enemies. My life is like a paradise. The real paradise is within, the less materials, ideas and beliefs you have to greater the paradise. If you just have what you need instead of all that you want life is as wonderful as it could be. In this time and age we have to much to choose from. Our minds aren't designed for this, but there is a solution and that's enjoying the moment. It doesn't matter when I have a car, a house, a girlfriend, etc. right now when typing that's what I have, this moment, so I shouldn't which for anything else. I'm alive that is the only thing that matters and when the time comes for something else then that will be a new moment to enjoy.

@kira as master of the 4 elements you know that learning multiple arts is possible .

Since I was very young I always desired to learn martial arts on a high level. Now I had the idea to maybe travel to china after I graduate college to learn martial arts and get some hardcore teachings that will make me strong mentally and give me a new way of controlling my body. I was wondering if any of you have done this and if you can recommend me a school or something.

@Michael569 @kira I doubt if there are any yogis here, but who knows. When I get my student sport pass I want to join a jujitsu class for the upcoming 2 years. Btw I don't mean training at a monastry with warrior monks rather warrior monks with their own school. Spending one year in China is an idea I have not only for training a martial art, but also the experience of a total different culture and gaining a new perspective on life. One thing I highly struggle with is disciple and considering that stage blue is very good at this I want to gain this skill as I don't see it happing anytime soon. Indeed and that's what will change me. An experience as that I don't see happening here. Gaining this new perspective through hardship will shape me in a different. Combine this with my current selfdevelopment knowledge and who knows what comes out of that. When I was 12 to 15 years old I practised Judo 1 day a week for an hour. Back then I went from the white belt to the blue belt. It felt as I didn't really deserve it, it was too easy and I can say I wasn't that great at all. But still, I want to do something in the meantime, maybe that will be enough I can't say that yet.

New video! It has been a while since I uploaded a video. I will have more time to make them, because unfortunately I didn't pass all my exams, I have to study a year longer now, but with less pressure.

So it has been awhile since I wrote a journal. In this journal I will post my progress in life as much as I can. I have decide to embody my lower stages. Currently I'm mainly green, a little bit of yellow thinking and some orange desires. I love spiral dynamics and understanding people through models. So to represent my colors: In reality orange is a little bit more and a lot less yellow. I think life is a precious gift in all forms, life scares me, life keeps me breathing, life gives me joy and lives are beautiful. Life means all creatures. As you might expect I live vegetarian (currently pescatarian, but I'l cover this later). This journal will be about my lives journey, my focus will be on embodying stage orange completely and living my suppressed orange desires until I'm ready to transcend this stage. I feel like a broken person and if I skip stage orange, I will remain broken. I will give myself at least 1 1/2 years to embody stage orange. Currently I live in a student apartment in Antwerp. I have a financial problem, I have no income. I have a student loan. My mother can't afford paying my college, daily living, etc. my father can, but he won't. My mother however tries everything in her power to help me and I'm very grateful for this. I have a messed up history with my parents thanks to their divorce, so financial problems is one of the results. This is a reason why I might not be able to transcend stage orange until I can make my own income. I worry about money, but I know that it won't be a problem in the future, I will get a job. I also have a diploma in maintenance this serves as a backup.

If you are going to make a film with this music I want to play an alien.

Attempting to change my life number +- 18 I managed to complete two A & B sessions, but now I'm back to only meditation. It feels like am keeping myself from growing. Everything feels so empty, boring and difficult. Currently I try to fill my void with coffee, alcohol, porn, social media and entertainment. Within 3 days my retake exams are coming up and it's so hard to focus on studying. I dated a girl 3 times and we seemed to get along, but now she doesn't want to take things further, because she has her own issues to deal with (unless she lies). It felt like I found a star in my darkness, but I was mistaken. I do know that eventually even if I have a girlfriend, the void will remain. I finally took some serious action and I went to my doctor. I told him I think I have depression. He told me I probably don't have depression I'm rather in the beginning phase (for 5 years or more already). I do suffer however from waking up a lot when sleeping,intense stressful dreams, lack of energy,lack of concentration and not feeling satisfied with anything. I got a referral paper to go to a psychologist. I can't do this alone anymore it's to painful and hard to help myself. I want to self actualize,but it feels impossible if I don't seek out help. I really want to think and feel that life is amazing, beautiful and a gift instead of these dark feelings. Currently I even look like crap when having slept 9 hours. Life is ticking a way day by day and I will regret wasting it feeling like shit.

@Truthority I am curious about what you are trying to do here. Maybe you need to be more concerned about what you can do for the world instead of nitpicking statements. What emotions do you experience when hearing those statements?

So had two dates with a girl who I think is really nice which both took 8 hours. The dates went very well, but one thing is bothering me and that's her investment in texting. Whenever we text it takes her hours (3 to 12) to reply for almost every text. This behavior was there from the start and still is and on one occasion she forgot to read my message and replied 3 days later and said she was sorry. In this phone obsessed world I think this is odd behavior. I don't make mistakes anymore of replying to early so I also wait hours but not as long (even though I think it's just stupid to do this) We had chemistry on the dates and we already kissed and cuddled, but the way we text feels off. She has ADD which maybe has to do something with this. She however agreed to go on a third date which will probably end with me staying over at her place (because I don't have a bus back to my town). Why would someone behave like this and meanwhile having meaningful dates? And the "having a life" excuse is just a dumb saying, because many people have their phone clued to their hands.

@universe If she is insecure about it what do you suggest ? I won't be able to date her this month and she doesn't like texting and calling. Before I left her last time she told me I could call her if there was anything (she means if I need someone to talk to when I struggle with something). And listening to my problems which I interpreted this way, because we have similar family issues (both broken souls, I know not the nicest topic to talk about). Why would she propose this?

Almost every person I have met and got to know seems to have have some serious emotional issues with themselves or their loved ones. Are people who practice self actualization the only ones with hope or do their exist people that don't have serious issues? I define issues as: self-doubt insecurity avoidant/anxious people in relationships substance abuse hostility depression wasting all their time and feeling bad for it etc.

@Natasha You are right, I tried it out immediately and I think I might know now why I get triggered and get anxious about that girls behaviour. I get anxious about the thoughts that I feel rejected by someone I like, unsure about a girls feelings for me and losing that girl. I connected it to a past experience that I had with my mother. In the divorce I abandoned my mother for a year due to extreme stress I experienced of my parents' divorce. I couldn't handle it anymore emotionally. There was a time I helped my grandmother to move some stuff to my mother which my father asked of us. I was 17 or 18 and I thought I was doing the right thing to help my father and my mother by doing it myself in order to prevent a huge conflict between my parents. I felt responsible and I wanted to protect my parents from each other. When I put all the stuff in front of my mother's house she opened the door and approached me(I didn't know if she was home or not. At that time I had no contact with her which was a choice of mine. I was afraid to face my mother at that time I wasn't strong enough emotionally.) My mother became enraged with me and was calling me names which she hadn't done before in my whole life. I never called my parents' names and I vowed to never do this out of respect for them. My mother was raging like crazy and I was in shock I didn't know how to handle this situations. She was trying to hurt my grandma out of rage and those two never got along well. My mother said she didn't want to see me for the coming 5 years. I didn't see this as an act of emotion, rather as the truth. At that time never really understood my emotions so I thought she meant what she said. From that time on I really thought I lost my mother forever and when she acted like that at that time I felt like a ghost, like if some part of my soul was destroyed and gone. The time when I was 17-20 were the worst ones of my life and they led me to this community, so thx divorce hahaha. Luckily my relationship with my mother is good at the moment and she does her best to help me anyway she can. Now I have done the shadow exercise I feel better by knowing I experienced way worse in the past.

@RendHeaven I don't. I would be in the dysfunctional category myself.

This year I discovered that I think and act in extremes. My base state is thinking pessimistic and feeling like a failure, time is ticking by and I watch how I waste my life worrying, watching YouTube, thinking about girls, not being able to keep habits. Acting anxious and somewhat shy. My other persona is the overconfident one. In this state I truly believe I will change the world. I'am able to form and keep habits, create motivation, be productive, demand respect from people, being a leader, inspire people and feel like I'm invincible. It kind off looks like villains in fiction who are overconfident in their plotting plans and act on them. My second persona comes out when I: Taking leadership (in groups) Having sex Having a new strong vision Having deep conversations listening to certain music Having a morning routine (only the beginning weeks) This second persona can be activated in a couple seconds if the situation is just right, but it doesn't last very long. It feels like an alternative form of consciousness, but I think it isn't real confidence. If I get into this state I feels very powerful and like I have taken a substance I think. If you played Pokemon you can see it as my mega evolution which is a temporary power-up in those games. I would love to be in this state all the time, but I think finding balance is key. I don't know how to create that balance. Whenever I do something I either do it very strictly with determination, but when I feel it's a huge backlash. Or I do it half assed and not feeling satisfied. I wonder if someone has a similar experience and if their is a psychological term for this and what might be the underlying cause. I never saw this in others.

My best possible self At the end of college. Personal domain Think of goals you would like to attain on the personal level (e.g. physical and psychological skills and developments). In the future I will be able to do at least 30 finger push ups. In the future I will weigh 80 kg. In the future I will be disciplined. In the future I will be proud of my self-actualization work. In the future I will feel more comfortable with who I am. Professional domain Think of goals you would like to attain on the professional/work related level (e.g. position, accomplishments, level of expertise, but also occupation and skills, etc.). In the future I will have at least a 100 YouTube subscribers. In the future I will graduate TP. In the future I will pass all exams in one try. In the future I will have produced at least have 70 videos. Relational domain Think of goals you would like to attain on the relational level (e.g. relations and contacts with loved ones, friends, colleagues, but also joint activities etc. in your social life). In the future I will be in a romantic relationship. In the future I will have experienced going out at least 10 times with friends. In the future I will have at least 2 new friends from my college life. Alright I wrote down my Best possible self which I will have embodying at the end of college which will be in about a year. Every morning this month for 5 minutes I will visualize what I wrote down. I expect this to change. The most important thing is to focus on what you want instead of what you don't want.

Attempting to change my life number +- 18 The last months have been grey rather than colorful, so yet again I attempt to make my live amazing. One of my strengths is that whatever happens I always start over with a morning routine + more wisdom than the previous attempt. My plan: It's based on Brian Tracy's method. A = Most important, I choose to do this until I die and their is no excuse in existence to hold me back (except coma). B= Highly important morning routine to kick start my day. C= Highly important. This is the minimum, more studying =bonus. D = Important. This will be a new experiment. I will reflect on how it went and make time to be proud of my achievements. This will work. I have done it before, but this time I added new things. When I complete this list It won't even be afternoon. My day will be a victory when I have most of it left. Next Friday i will go to my doctor to talk about my depression. It is time to really help myself and i won't have to do this alone. This time I have more reasons to work hard on myself. I want to bring value in peoples life hence my YouTube channel, but I can't help if I don't move forward. Currently I have to use my phone to time everything which isn't smart, but I will find a way to replace my phone with timers.

I said I would gave an update so here we go. The date went well, it took 36 hours. I discovered that she is a very sweet caring girl which was really nice. I have my answer to her chatting behaviour and she just isn't really into chatting. She also told me she has abandonment issues so... yeah red flag there. She felt uncomfortable with kissing and she told me I'm new and she isn't comfortable with it yet, she is very open about this which I appreciate. When I went home she texted me that she thought she wasn't a good host for me at her place which isn't true at all. Anyway what happened next wasn't too great. I called her yesterday as we planned which was kind of awkward for both of us. I suggested a 4th date, but she responded that she had no money to go on dates only for groceries for this whole month. It felt like a rejection, but on date 2 she wanted to pay for our drinks and she was waiting for her money to be stored on her account. In my mind I thought dates don't necessarily have to cost anything. She was showing interest in me, but suddenly she couldn't hear me through the phone, but I could hear her. I think it was faked, but I also experienced it with my brother last week. Afterwards we texted a bit and I was telling her she did great on the last date and that I noticed how much effort she was putting in. She responded thankful to my message. Honestly I'm getting tired of this, I think her money issues are real as I also am in a similar situations, but it all feels so weird to me. If you really like someone you wouldn't act like this right? Unless you really like someone, but you are afraid of getting hurt. I hate it, but I can get easily obsessed about this, but if I feel powerless I just have to give up and let her chase me instead and if she doesn't than she was never really that interested. I really want to not care about this, but I do. I can start day-gaming again, but that feels shallow and a waste of time. I want to attract the right person by being who I'am and not by creating a PUA persona, but it feels like an impossible task as I never really had a girlfriend until age 21. Maybe it all stems from my feeling of not fitting in and not belonging anywhere, eternally alone in this universe. I hope you enjoyed this pessimistic update .

@Aeris I think it all comes down to wanting a deep connection. A friend of mine says I try to speak to a persons soul when having a conversation. I think I want to really love someone, but deep down I feel unable to love myself. Honestly I don't even know what love is. People in my life who claim to love their SO have a transnational relationship. On the surface I think I just feel like my needs aren't met and I want to experience a better relationship than my previous which was very dysfunctional. I have grown from that previous relationship, but one problem I think is that it's very very difficult to find a person who doesn't have some dysfunction. Maybe it's just a limiting belief. I see most people as animals that think they are so highly intelligent and developed, but in the end it's just about survival (Tier 1 SD). Sometimes I wish I literally don't need someone and have no thoughts about girls and all related things.

@Galyna She also paid all my drinks. We are both dutch and it's quite normal to pay your own stuff, but girls treating guys is the opposite of traditional.

@Galyna A friend of mine also told me that. Well besides the texting she paid all the drinks in the second date which I was surprised by and she hugs me very tightly whenever we meet or when I leave. I will have fun tomorrow and I will give an update here if I feel like it.

@Aeris The funny thing is that I talked with her about magic mushrooms which I can buy in her city. I want to buy them when I'm in my new apartment. If things don't work out with her I think of taking a break from dating etc. as i feel like wasting time with this stuff. Finding someone that's high conscious will be a difficult thing I think. @Natasha I think that thinking with my smaller head will cure my neurotic thinking .