Pallero

Has anyone seen this new documentary (on Netflix) ? Personally, I found it quite superficial and annoying, unnecessarily provocative and misleading regarding the self-actualization process. Tony Robbins creates a good show, but I fail to see how he helps people heal (like, really heal). Also, I have to admit that his character and methods annoy me. I prefer a gentler approach. Leo has also a fairly straight-forward, at times even brutal, approach, but I like him, because I feel like he has a point. Tony Robbins' points don't resonate with me much. I was curious, what do people on this forum think?

My main struggle is finding a position that I can hold for 30 minutes. It seems that no matter how comfortable I make myself something will inevitably start to ache like crazy or a leg will fall asleep. So far I have solved this problem by changing the position, for example doing the last 10 minutes in the child's pose. But I feel like I should be able to sit in one position for the whole session.

When you learn to love the bad habits, that IS the growth part. You accept yourself fully, flaws and all. If you don't, you will never be satisfied as there will always be something to correct.

I agree with your girlfriend. It might be a good idea to wait two more years before you make any drastic desicions. You are young and a lot can change in two years. Many people can change their opinions in that time. Maybe if your (and her) parents see that you are very serious, they might support you both and even help you to find the right solution. On the other hand, I understand how much this dilemma bothers you and that you just want the solution now, because it would mean relief. Have you told your girlfriend everything that you wrote here? Does she know how morally difficult it is for you in this situation? Bottom line, all's fair in love and war. When the time to decide comes, your heart will tell you what to do.

Ride a horse on a beach in South Africa Take a train across Siberia, visit Sakhalin island, see seals in nature Paraglide in Nepal Backpack and camp across New Zealand Have and raise children Adopt a child Write and publish a book Go sailing Go to a yoga/meditation retreat in India Learn to sing, perform on stage

Is there an autism association in your area? Socializing with like-minded people might give him more confidence. Also, if he meets other autistic people in good-functioning relationships, that can obviously help too. The goal is to make him feel as deserving as anyone else to have the kind of relationship he wants. Another thing he can try is meeting people online, because there you can write your messages and you have time to think what to say next. After a while of having an online relationship (being honest about the autism of course), they can meet in RL and take it from there. It's challenging, but I like to say: do you think it's easy for anybody? Don't worry about the social skills. They can be developed, like any skill.

This is how I see the process going in your situation. You are introverted and unhappy. Now you start practicing awareness. You start noticing stuff about yourself in social situations. You observe what you think, how you feel et cetera. This might feel uncomfortable and even painful. Be patient. Over time you come to terms with what you find, you learn to accept it, even like it. You begin relaxing, having more peace of mind. Being introverted will not bother you as much as it used to. Your dream of acquiring better social skills will start to seem unimportant as you enjoy your life the way it is. You are happy. I'm afraid there are no shortcuts.

You sound very very discouraged. What makes you think that a nerdy (in your opinion), physically unattractive (in your opinion) and boring (in your opinion) person isn't interesting to women. Maybe there are women who don't agree with you. The world is big. I know it sounds like a stupid cliché, but there are people in this world who will honestly ADORE you just the way you are. It's true.

In our society it's easy to feel discouraged as a virgin, because everything seems to revolve around sex and who's getting it and how much. After you study this, you learn to understand that a lot of it is just a marketing tactic. The media use the sexual urge to make us do stuff: download certain apps, date in certain ways, watch certain programs and films, eat certain foods (that leave us hungry for more [get it? ;)]) et cetera. This makes people lie about their sexual encounters to appear some way to others; this also makes people who aren't that or at all interested in sex feel bad about themselves, pursue sex anyway, and harm themselves - all just to fit in. So the reason you are feeling bad is 'cause you want to fit in and be accepted, and being a virgin you feel like you don't. What is sex - really? It's a way to deeply connect to the person you love. The society and the media, however, makes us think that sex is a status symbol - which it isn't, and this is something that people only get through trial and error, after they have done psychological damage to themselves in worst cases (like my case). Sexuality is an extremely delicate and powerful thing. It can be used to trick, bribe and manipulate people. Not taking it seriously enough might cause you a lot of pain, so be careful. I would advise you to learn more about this, see through the marketing tactic and all the other ways sex is being used by the media, and make your own decisions. I made the mistake of having sex because I was peer pressured into it - not a great thing! I would like that whenever you do have sex, you would do it because you genuinely want to, not to fit in. I hope that my advice is helpful.

@isabel You didn't know what he would do and there's no way you could have known. Even if you had known, you can't control what other people do anyway. Truth is, it happened. Can you undo it? No. But you can live with it. You have to forgive yourself and accept that it happened. This can be a long process. Since you feel like you did something wrong, ask yourself this question: if somebody does something bad, is it better to punish them and make them feel bad, or help them and make them feel better? Which alternative sounds more beneficial for the future?

@Leon Bell To me, it sounds like you found a peaceful place. The feeling that you are losing your personality is actually a feeling of peace where you take a break from your thoughts. It's similar to being asleep, except that you're awake. As you meditate over and over again, you will see that you are not losing your personality. I don't think that it's even possible. Even enlightened people have very unique personalities, sense of humor et cetera. If you find yourself looking at the bugs next time after you meditate, just look at the bugs for as long as you want! If you feel scared to meditate because of your experience, I suggest getting some more information on meditation. Learning about it can make you feel better. Writing here is a good start.

Me too! I've always had trouble with this. I just can't seem to find like minded people anywhere. There have been a few here and there, but I'm very social, so I'd love to have a group to hang out with. My partner is my best friend, so it would be an absolute dream if we had some like minded friends together, so we could all hang out as a group. Unfortunately he's same as me and can't find any like minded people either. I'm so happy we've found each other though!

@rrodriguez11 First of all, you are not alone! Even people who seem confident care about what others think of them, more than you'd think. It's good that you have recognized your need for more self-assuredness and started asking questions. Like others have pointed out, the process is very long, but it will also be fun and rewarding. The process is long, because you can only stop being a people pleaser if you stop needing their approval and that need can be difficult to deconstruct. You will have to acknowledge and question many beliefs that make you behave in this way. You can start by trying a few things out. For example, next time you feel pressured to hang out, make a decision to say no. Then do it and see what happens. How does it feel? Are you scared of being left alone? Left out? What's so scary about it? How does it make you feel? Ashaimed? Worthless? Then you will need to accept all those feelings that come up. Lastly, meditate.

I finished my studies at 27 years old. Many keep studying a lot longer, many start later. Why not? Studying is great!

I understand that you feel left out. Studies show that most young people believe that they are less experienced than their peers when in fact they are not. The pressure to lose your virginity might be huge, as it is a question of status. Your attitude towards sex changes after you start having it, and when you fall in love and start a relationship. There's nothing wrong with experience, but I myself was pressured into losing my virginity to "get it over with", and to this day I get sad thinking about it. It wasn't a nice experience. Wait till you meet somebody special and fall in love. It's unlikely that she will have a lot of experience if she's the same age as you. A kind woman will not judge but appreciate your virginity. I know it's scary. It's easy to lose your virginity to an escort, because you are paying her, and therefore she will not criticize or say no. (By the way, an escort will probably have a lot of experience.) But believe me when I say that when you are losing your virginity (or having sex in general), you want to do it with somebody who genuinely cares about you.

This is a question that has been bothering me and I can't figure out what's going on. So there was this person in my life who used to question my feelings. I would say "I feel x" and sometimes she would believe me but often she would not. She would then give me a logical explanation why my feeling is not what I say it is, or ask me questions like "if you feel x, then why do you do y?" Most of the time I couldn't answer them and she would conclude that I must not really know how I feel. All I had was the feeling (or feelings) and I couldn't explain why I felt it and how it affected my behavior. Her way of undermining my feelings from a logical basis felt horrible and scarred me emotionally. However, it did force me to grow as a human being. I now can identify my emotions, explain them with little difficulty and I'm becoming better at accepting them for what they are. I have also become quide good at seeing what other people are feeling which helps me understand them. My dilemma is related to my relationship with my current partner. He is not as good in talking about his feelings as I am. He hasn't had as much practice. Often I can tell what he is feeling even when he cannot. If I ask him how he feels about something, and he can't answer me, I often ask if he's feeling this or this or this, and I can tell by his body language when I'm on the right track. He says I know him better than he knows himself and that I've helped him. This situation is making me feel uneasy though. My own experience shows that questioning another person's emotions is hurtful to them. If they say they are afraid of x, you should respect that, even when you clearly see that they are actually afraid of y (they just don't know it). I feel like only a trained medical professional such as a psychiatrist should force people to face their real emotions, and the rest of us should respect if people just aren't ready. On the other hand sometimes it might be useful to point them in the right direction. And there is of course always a possibility that I may be wrong. I don't want to go around planting false feelings in people's minds. That's emotional abuse, I think. I'm torn between being kind and accepting of my partner's feelings, and helping him to deal with them and learn to identify them. I feel like I want to do both but don't know how.

There's your problem right there. Why is negativity so threatening to you? Do you know that negativity is just as important and valuable as positivity? Can you see that she's hurting? Your reaction shows that there is a lot of negativity deep inside you as well. She has come into your life to help you face it. I don't think she's infringing on your development. I think she's helping it. She is mirroring the negativity inside you that you have to accept. I think it has to do with "the disesase of mediocrity" if I understand the term correctly. We are all mediocre and there is nothing wrong with that. Practicing self-development does not make you any less mediocre or better than the most negative person in the world.

I'm no relationship expert, but to me it sounds like you think that you are better than him and you don't accept him or his way of life. If this is the case, why do you think that? You are complaining about how he chooses to live his life. Why? What's wrong with his way? I believe that it is perfectly possible for two people in love to be together if they respect and accept each other. So why don't you first try accepting him fully and then decide?

I have always been a high achiever, but ten years ago I was still able to relax. Then I became severely depressed and had to put all my time and energy into healing. After I was healed, I figured "this is working so well. Why don't I make my whole life productive?" I let myself watch TV, but only documentaries or programs I could learn from. I let myself read, but only educational material. I let myself hang out with my friends, but only if we did something educational together. Soon my whole life was shadowed by the compulsion to be busy, productive and always learning. I never took time off to relax. I even found a way to make my relationship and sex life productive. I came down with the compulsion to push myself out of my comfort zone over and over. I was addicted to everything new, was impatient, moody and extremely stressed. I was obsessed with self-actualization. I wanted to make myself the best me I could be. Slowly, the lifestyle took its toll on me. My ability to relax was shrunk to a minimum and no matter what I tried, I just couldn't and even if I could relax for five minutes or so, the guilt was so intense that I had to punish myself for slacking off. Now I am burned out. I can't get out of bed. I feel like a useless failure. I feel scared all the time, like if I am not peroductive for a while, someone or something will come to "get me", something bad will happen. I have forced myself not to be too productive in order to slow down and it seems to work even though it's really difficult. Can anyone relate? Do you have any advice? It's not that I haven't tried anything relaxing. It's that I can't relax! Stuff that worked before, doesn't anymore, because my mind turns everything into achievement. Exercise is achievement. Art is achievement. Writing, meditation, reading are achievements. And if I try to do something that isn't productive and is just relaxing, like drink alcohol, my body and mind rebel against it and won't let me do it, with thoughts like "what are you doing? This is boring! Let's do something fun and productive!"

I saw a doctor and I have another appointment with a nurse next Tuesday. They are trying to diagnose me. I'm on a sick leave from school and I feel quite useless. I told my mom in a text message, but I am too ashaimed to face her. In the meantime, I was advised to do something "totally ordinary", completely everyday, routine, automatic, familiar stuff. Stuff that would make me feel safe, since because of my traumatic past I am suffering from chronic feelings of the opposite of safe - vulnerability, exposedness, fear of danger of some kind. I'm suffering from this constantly. I'm afraid to fall asleep. This is rooted in my core belief of being worthless. If I work very very hard, I can maybe get a moment of peace. But now that I don't, I'm constantly scared of punishment. It's not a pleasant state to be in! I've been trying my best to relax. I have begun to recognize those moments when I go into a frantic frenzy of I'm-so-ahaimed-I-want-to-claw-my-eyes-out. I'm binging on food, but at least I'm binging mindfully. I can't believe that my eating disorder is raising its head after all these years. The binging is just a substitute for working, like working became a substitute for binging, when I was "cured" from the ED all those years ago. Problem is, routine has been my enemy for many years, and it's really hard for me to think of anything "totally ordinary". I change my routine so much. I suppose if I had some routine, I wouldn't have this problem in the first place! I have remembered some of the things from my childhood that made me feel safe and now I'm trying to make myself feel better with tea, books and music from the Swan Lake ballet. It's kind of working, but as I am sinking deeper into my little world of comfort, I feel that I'm not as close with my boyfriend, who I used to give a lot more attention before this whole thing started. This uneasy situation of attention conflict and tea bisquits is driving me nuts! EDIT. My sense of humor is starting to come back to me. I guess I must be doing something right.

I don't know. My mind doesn't really bend that far. I'm just really sad for a long time, I guess.

I float there for a while in the worst possible agony I can imagine and then I die of shame. Isn't that a cheerful picture... Sigh.

I got this mental image where everyone I know tell me one by one how useless I am. They take away my passport, because I am useless as a citizen, and I have to leave my country. Then what happens is I travel around the world looking for a new home, but all the countries say they don't want me to live there. For a while, they think what to do with me. Then they tie me to a rocket and shoot me into space.

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words. This is it, the core issue! You have put it exactly right into words. My bottom feeling all the time seems to be worthless, just worthless. I tried to follow your advice, but I can't find any way that I'd be enough as I am that I'd actually believe. I'll think of a way, but my mind interferes over and over. For example, I think that I'm good enough for my boyfriend and my pets, but I don't believe that. My mind tells me that I am only enough for them if I do enough for them. I'm at a point where I don't know why I even exist anymore. I feel like a waste of space, now that I'm completely useless. I couldn't take not doing anything for long, so I forced myself to do things, but they made me feel worse. Yes, this is exactly how I feel. Except that it feels worse than just a severe parent. I'm reminded of the movie The Cell where the serial killer had a very charming dad. That father character is like a physical manifestation of my mind. If you haven't seen the movie, you can imagine what I'm talking about if I tell you that it's a brutal horror movie and the killer's father didn't exactly love him, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I'm confused by your passion point. I don't think I've ever done anything because I felt passionate about it. It was made clear to me early on that my number one purpose is to do what others expect of me. So my whole life I have been just guessing, like "I wonder what he or she, or what those people want me to do right now..." I mean, I must have done something. I just can't think of anything right now and I'm at loss of what passion feels like. My number one sought after feeling is being accepted by others. Yes, I watched it, but I didn't really resonate with it. Maybe it's because I studied philosophy for a long time and I know the problem so well that I can't think about it in any other way than philosophically. I think, what's the difference? So what if the world is deterministic or non-deterministic or something else? What I've found is that it doesn't change anything practically. So what if I think that all my mental problems are predetermined? Does it make me feel better? It makes me feel worse. 'Cause now I don't have any hope of recovery, since I can't do anything about it. I feel quite bleak right now. I hope that the predetermined universe will turn around for me soon.

You can always learn another language and practice conversation in class. Honestly, I see your frustration. But conversations and small talk are highly overrated. Find other ways to socialize. Do something that you like where you don't have to talk. Bowling, pool, darts, other games, watch a movie, go to a concert at cetera. You'll find that afterwards you will automatically have thoughts to share. Like somebody once said, "A little less conversation, a little more action."