Afonso

yes, finally I can replicate my guru's life

ahahah

I'm reading the book called Radical Honesty. I decided to write a letter to my mom telling everything I've kept hidden and what was/is like to be me. In the first part of the letter, I wrote everything about my experience with dad since I can remember. I have not been too close to my dad for a couple of years. However, there were a lot of traumatic incidents and emotional disturbances. Since my parents have been separated since I was an infant, my mom doesn't know jack shit about my relationship with dad. I burst into tears when writing all the awful things that happened. I burst into tears when recalling all the awful things I did because I was replicating dad. Recalling drama, fights and moments of sadness made me cry a lot. It was just like that - moments of seemingly unexpected bursts of tears. When I wrote everything that I remembered, every single detail, I felt so relieved. What did happen? I didn't write anything new, but after crying a lot, I felt an increase of peace within me. I now feel more authentic and less fake around people. This is the first time I have ever done anything like this. What are your thoughts on this?

So, yesterday I was watching Leo's video on How To Deal With Strong Negative Emotions. As I breath fully, and focused my awareness on my physical sensations on Chest, Solar Plexus and Heart, something weird happened. My vision got a little distorted, and my heart rate sky rocketed. I mean sky rocketed. I could feel it beating inside my chest. I continued to focus my awareness on the sensation that was most present. First it was on the Solar Plexus, then heart, chest, Solar Plexus again, heart, etc. When I thought it was over, I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Then, I stood there, and did the same thing. I focused my awareness on the sensations that I felt the most. I can't explain it, but I felt I wasn't entirely in control of my body. My hands would move symmetrically and end in prayer. I would show facial expressions without my real intervention. I was like something watching all that, yet aware of all thoughts and sensations. I was scared and went to bed. After waking up, I now feel a shift in awareness. I don't really know if this is a shift in awareness. But I don't feel I have much control. It seems my body and mind do what they're supposed to do. It's like I'm me without effort. I can't put it into words, it's weird. Did any of you have a similar experience? It's worth noting that I've done 5-MeO twice, the 2nd time was 4 weeks ago.

I obviously went back to the past for the sake of exploring my childhood vows and also to release emotional pain that I've kept hidden or suppressed.

I'm not clear about how it feels. I don't want to make the false assumption that I'm in a higher consciousness state.

That's what I feel bro. Still seeking.

I'm reading the book Radical Honesty. While reading the book, I decided to make a list of ALL things I've kept hidden or lied to people who would suffer the most from hearing the truth. Then, I decided to text my ex-girlfriend to meet up for a coffee today so I could tell her about things I kept hidden and lied about during our relationship. I cheated on her the day before I broke up with her. I never told her this. Reflecting on my affairs brought me to a realization. I realize I have difficulty in getting intimate with people. It seems things don't quite click. Or I'm never able to really like that person. Or I'm never able to deeply care about that person. I'm going to be honest to my ex, but it's not really because I care about her. I do this for me. I like to think of myself as a lone-wolf that doesn't really need many friends. Truth is, I don't really connect well with anybody. Most people who know me think of me as a social kind of guy. Nevertheless I don't feel truly connected with anyone. Even when I was in a relationship with my ex. How do you handle this issue? It's not that this issue has kept me from talking to people, approaching girls and partying. I can do that all well. The hole stays there. When I wasn't aware of this hole (4 months ago), I went approaching a bunch of girls non-stop... kept flirting with girls while in a relationship and eventually cheated. I think that somehow I was trying to fulfill this hole. I fear this lack of intimacy. I don't like the barrier that exists between me and others. I don't like to get stuck in my head sometimes. I know this is not immutable. I can change. The question is: How?

I like the topics and explanations but you sound like a robot and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

How long have you been following this ritual?

ahahahahahahahahahahah

As part of releasing emotions, one has to do a lot of self-talk. Also, in Leo's self-inquiry practice you have to ask yourself several questions. Do you do this in your native language or English? Since I've studied these topics in English, I usually do them in that language. However, I sense that the emotional impact is bigger and there's a lot more intention when I use my native language - Portuguese. What are your opinions about this?

I would much prefer to do it on my own. It's not a traumatic thing, I can still enjoy life and socialization. But when I'm not fully present to the moment, those thoughts just fill up my mind.

Hey, I've read this book over 4 times, ordered a copy and actually made a week schedule to work on each of the pillars. I loved the book, the concept and the ideas. I did all the Sentence-Completion work and I'm currently following The Program which consist of 31 weeks of Sentence-Completion work. My Self-Esteem has very sky-rocketed from studying the book! However, the thought storm persists. I'm giving a shot to Shadow-Work. Thanks for the tips! I studied this video a couple of months ago, took notes and did the exercise for a day or two. The mindsets really helped me on this issue, specially with shyness among girls. Having studied personal development for a while now, I now can see the importance of the Self-Image that I hold and how it can generate this people-pleasing mentality. I have improved a lot since then, but I'm still having the issue of the thoughts. These thoughts have been on my mind for years. I didn't see it was an issue till I started digging into my mind and being super aware of my thoughts.

Self-Esteem is a psychological issue, not a physiological (?). I have a pretty standard self-confidence and I'm not nervous or insecure around people.

I don't know if "I" evoke them, but when I get back to reality I notice I was lost in thoughts - thoughts of caring about others' perceptions. Yeah, I take note of the thoughts and I'm super aware of them. I'm at an early stage of development. Becoming nothing is still too far out there for me. Thank you my friend! Thank you for the explanation. Yes, I've been aware that some types of thoughts are related to deep childhood vows I made with myself. (For example, the need to be cool in front of cool guys at school). By introspection and journaling I was able to drop some of these vows, including the one just mentioned.

Not actually what happens. I catch myself not in the present moment and lost in thoughts. Thoughts of these types.

It seems you're already aware of what you need to change.

Are the recommended books included in the 180 Book-List?

So, some days ago, I cold approached a girl I found was very different from me (different values, more like a bad girl, a party girl). I wanted to conquer my fears and be more confident. I wasn't actually planning to meet with this girl later or to hang out with her - just approach her (conquer fear) and get her number. We eventually met some days later. She talked about all her cool stories, all the fun parties she went, all the crazy and dangerous stuff, all the adrenaline that was in her life. I felt like my life was so much emptier - in comparison with hers. I've been studying the topic on Self-Esteem, Assertiveness and Integrity, so I kept being authentic and didn't fake who I was. I was able to relate to her on the use of drugs (since I had some 5-MeO trips). The thing is, I found her stories so exciting. Like her life was so full of adventurous, fun, enjoyment and experience. I started doubting myself on the way home, but I caught those bastard thoughts and didn't give up to them. However, they are still ruminating in my head. My question to you guys is How do you handle this Self-Doubt? How do you handle thinking that your investment in personal development, meditating and limited social life is worth it? How do you handle hearing such life-stories and putting it into perspective? How do you handle feeling a pull towards the kind of life every teenager wants to have?

I guess the stereotypical modern-world teenager wants experiences, wants approval and validation, wants socializing, wants social status.

After my first 5-MeO trip I sense a lot of fear. I have this sensation in my chest that usually comes up when I fear something. In the last 2 days the sensation has been there and not went away. I wake up 3-4 times every night and the fear is there. I rest a bit on the couch and the fear is there. I go take a walk and the fear is there. I meditate and for the first time I jump in fear when the timer fires off. It's not limiting me in any way besides having a full night sleep. However, it's very unpleasant. What should I do?

I'll choose Journaling for that matter. Distractions work wonderfully but I'm better off facing the fear if I want to grow, right? Part of me knows that this is a good thing. Yet I don't fully understand these emotions so I suffer for them. I'll try doing the questions you proposed. Thanks, I'll check it out.

How do I do that? I've been giving my full attention to this feeling and trying to understand the thought so behind it. However, I feel I'm getting nowhere. Should I just trust the process and let time do its thing?

I really hope so.