ElenaO

After a couple of days of sleep debt Luke finally decided he wants his sleep back. I guess there's a balance they try to follow - if underslept for a few days, they'll try to recuperate. Today Luke woke up around 6AM and went. First nap was almost 2 h and the second one also almost 2 h. That's unheard of. Our usual naps are 1-1.25 h in the mornings (which is wonderful already), the second nap is usually short though. The third is also short, so we do an early bedtime around 5-6pm. Today perhaps will have a later bedtime.

They say if baby falls asleep within 15 minutes, you got that window figured out. I wonder if he'd fall asleep now within that window.

I just laid Luke down. He uses his thumb to suck to calm himself down and soothe. I am looking at him in the monitor, he's just exploring his bassinet. I wish he'd stop protesting sleeping. I mostly don't listen to this anymore, because it makes me feel very guilty and anxious. I know that cup of anxiety would get filled very very quickly if I. He's not crying right now, but he has his eyes open: is he undertired or overtired by now? Who knows. Understanding babies harder than I would have ever think! Mom took him on a walk earlier and she said he was falling asleep there. However, he may have caught a second wind now and wouldn't go down Maybe I missed his window.

Today my husband asked me what do I like most about motherhood. I answered: the moments when Luke is happy and showing he likes me. We usually have those after a feeding, when I'd hold him on my hips (him sitting with his legs over my hips, he is a tall boy ) and us communicating. I would sing to him (this little piggie went to market, this little piggie stayed home... or rockabye baby song) and he'd smile and agoo. I'd also snuggle with him. It started maybe 2-3 weeks ago when he suddenly became huggable. I'd just be able to hug him and he'd respond. It was such a warm feeling. I finally feel love really towards him. It took so long... I'd still get overwhelmed, especially in the morning, feeling like I cannot handle this.

So today we had up and downs. However, the sleep specialist reassured me and I felt so much better. She urged not to give up and continue the work. She confirmed that for a lot of people the progress isn't linear. And that I am not harming my baby in any way. He's no abandoned, he is learning. She took away some of my anxiety. I need to hear this. Because all I feel is immense guilt and anxiety! Last night I kept waking up every hour and wouldn't fall asleep for long stretches. Well, this is how it is nowadays... Luke didn't fight his bedtime this night too much (he did get very upset in my hands though right before I put him into his bassinet), for which I am very grateful. I thought he would, because he was pretty tired for the last piece of the afternoon. Maybe that's why he wasn't fighting it.

I'm just going to give up tomorrow if things aren't improving. At least I won't feel as much guilt as I do now! It's horrible to hear all that crying.

On the other hand, I am afraid that stopping that would create other problems - fussiness, impatience to feed. So perhaps lengthening naps is a good idea. I just won't force LO to sleep in the early mornings.

This is just driving me crazy!! I will stop doing the crib hour and I will stop waiting for him to cry in the early morning. I will get him up any time after 6AM. And I am thinking of sitting with him in the room.

I went for a walk with mom and Luke. It was nice. The weather isn't yet great but the spring is close. And I am sick again. I don't know why and how. I am afraid Luke would get it too. Being a mother is all about worry. I did kiss him on the neck today many times, which isn't smart I try not to do it tomorrow, hopefully he doesn't get it. I saw him doing happy baby pose for the first time today! And he also really giggled! He is starting to look much more like a human being.

I did breathwork yesterday for maybe 20 minutes and I do see improvement just from such a short session. I also cried today while Luke woke up and was doing his crib hour (you stay in crib until the hour is up so baby has opportunity to fall back asleep). That helped too. My husband is saying the hell is in my mind, and we have a nice life.

I feel like we are alternating this: one day is better, one day is worse. I feel a lot of guilt. For one, because I think I may need to feed Luke more often at night and I am doing it only once now. I let him self-soothe himself for the rest of the times. I just ordered baby scale and will get it on Monday. I will then reassess if he's gaining enough. And if he doesn't I'll reintroduce the second feed. I also feel a lot of anxiety around letting him self-soothe himself and let him sleep 10 hours without a meal at 4.5 months old. Another reason for guilting myself is letting him scream and cry. I am definitely uncomfortable doing it. I may reassess this too next week. For now I think if Luke wakes up before 6AM, I'll let him go back to sleep. And anything until 6:20 is not a reason to start the morning. If Luke does not fall asleep until then, we start the day. Ideally Luke would wake up at 7AM.

I'll be back at work in the middle of April. I decided to take another 4 weeks off. I'd like to spend some more time with Luke. I finally started enjoying the company of my son. I really love hugging him, kissing him and talking to him. This is such a new feeling. I've barely felt anything before. All I felt was surviving and how would I make it. It's just incredibly hard to be a parent. I don't think most people feel this way, but I do. I am just more sensitive, I feel like. There's so much sadness and guilt lingering inside of me. I feel so much sadness that Luke has to experience discomfort, it's killing me.

Today is the first day when I feel like it's finally clicked and sleep training has started working. Luke took 2 long naps (1.5 hour each) and a 30 min one. Finally! The first nap was extended though using the crib hour technique. Man, I know all these terms now and I could perhaps even advise people now on what to do for their 4 month old babes. I've had an incredible amount of anxiety because of this. All my life turned into learning about sleep training and about how to minimize the amount of crying. Saying that the amount of guilt, sadness I felt during this process is intense is understatement. Last night I could not sleep for hours and kept waking up and checking on the monitor on Luke. This has been happening for days and even weeks now. We started the training on Saturday 15th of January, so it's been 2.5 weeks. I've been crying every single day. Today though I felt was like the turning point. I don't react as strongly to Luke's cries. I just feel like he's protesting. I hate hearing it and it makes me super sad: but it's either him working on it, or me digging myself my own grave. I just cannot take the entire nursing, rocking anymore. On the other hand, I cannot take the crying at nights either. Parenthood is BY FAR the hardest thing I've ever done or will ever do. Emotionally first and foremost. I need to do breathwork but I resist it! I've been crying every day anyway, but I need a bigger release. I know this.

Still so much struggling with the sleep. Luke took long to fall asleep last night, around 20 minutes of crying on and off. Woke up to eat around 2:45 AM and then woke up again at 5:45AM. We ferberized the second time, but he was falling asleep and waking up constantly. Finally got him up at 6:58AM, but I did not sleep in between at all. The naps were slightly longer today though, so that's a positive - 30-45 minute long. Awesome. Still takes quite some crying and resisting it. I wonder if the stroller naps should completely stop. My opinion we need to test. Spoke to the sleep coach Christina today and she said it's fine to move Luke to his own crib and own room. We may do it over the weekend? Planning on having Luke fall asleep at 6PM, which means also early wake. But that's what we've had to deal with anyway, so...

Today was better. I decided I won't be so insecure and pull myself together. I think crying for some time yesterday helped. I decided to stick with the training for another week and it sort of hit me that Luke does know how I feel so he feeds on my insecurity. Today was one achievement when he fell asleep within 3 minutes (albeit with screams).

In such moments I keep asking myself why did I decide to do this? Why??? It seems like no one's happy: not me, not my husband, not my baby. Why????

I hate being a mother. Really. I don't have me time, and even if I do, I cannot relax. I cannot even breath for the last few months, there's something in my chest that wouldn't let me. I have constant anxiety. And this sleep training is just killing me. I am sobbing as I am writing this. I've been crying daily for the last 20 days. I feel like I am miserable and Luke is miserable too. He has to cry so much every day and generally isn't a happy baby a lot of times. Why have babies at all if you create a human being who isn't happy? I hate it!I just want to run away and forget I exist and anything exists.

Talked to my therapist today. She's good in my opinion. She hasn't heard of sleep training and wasn't very confident about it. Well, we chose our course and will stay on it. I am just doubting all of this, so I was as much encouragement as I can get.

Oh man. I am sick. It's not covid though, since I tested multiple times with a home test. So did my husband. I barely have any energy or patience. All I want is to just lie down and do nothing! Luke has been cranky today. It's probably all that lack of sleep he's going through because of training. I'll put him to bed earlier today. My mom is on walk with him right now, he won't probably fall asleep. Planning to put him to sleep around 5:30 PM. I hate seeing him cry so much during the training. It's AWFUL! On the other hand, I love that I get more time for myself and I am not stuck serving baby all of the time. Now it's time for him to work, not just me. We are five days into training now. 2 more days before re-evaluating or drawing conclusions. I hate that I am leaving him crying like that - he's all red and he's so miserable. It makes me tear up even thinking about this now. And it's normal. I hope this period goes away as soon as possible. How will it be at 20 weeks? I wish it will be better!! We are at 18 weeks today.

One more HUGE change. I couldn't take anymore the rocking and nursing to sleep, which was starting to be just highly ineffective and unsustainable. We started sleep training on Saturday afternoon. I never thought I would do this to my baby!!! All the first 4 months all I did was trying to avoid any sort of Luke cries. This was such a HUGE change! Now all we have to deal with is 3-4 hours of crying. It's just horribly HARD! My husband deals with most of it, I get out and go on walks because I cannot take it for the most part. I cry and feel insane guilt. Luke is fighting naps so BADLY! The nights are much better though. It's been 4 days now and I see big improvements for nights, but small improvements for naps. Luke cries and screams (which is just HORRIBLE!!!!) for 20-30 minutes to sleep for 20-25 minutes. We do Ferber, but perhaps extinction is better suited? Who knows...

A lot of things have changed since I posted here last. I made radical decisions which I thought would be for the better because I clearly have PPA and I couldn't handle this anymore. I stopped using any bottles even though this was a very tough decision, because I had plenty PLENTY of anxiety around it. How would Luke fall asleep? Would he get enough food? Would my breasts just fall off from all that pain? I started on Saturday fully no bottles. It's improved considerably by the end of Sunday. I used APNO just a few times, which was much better than what I expected. This was hands down the best decision I've made!

Hi Mandy, I used quite a lot of creams. In fact, I have 3 different types, plus the APNO.

Last night Luke slept for 7 hours (well we have a Snoo, so it helps), but with some small cries. Then he woke up at 3AM and I fed him. Back to sleep at around 4AM. He woke up again at 6AM and I fed him again, and then back to sleep for another 30-40 minutes. My nipples are hurting... I talked to a lactation consultant today about the breastfeeding challenges. She recommended staying off the bottles for 7 days and then reintroducing them using bottle paced feeding. I don't know how I'll survive 7 days of just breastfeeding. My nipples are already all red... Another option would be to leave the bottles but only do the paced feeding while on a walk.

The session with Lori the therapist went above my expectations. Reasonable person and the style of communication are similar to mine. She taught me of 4 square technique to relax and breathe. I tested it and it works if I do it right. I am struggling with the middle step of holding your breath and relaxing your body. Now the question is how do I get Luke off the bottle? Will he get enough food then? That also means I'd have to feed him at least every 2 hours, because they should be small feedings. I could try to do this for a few days, just breastfeed, no bottle. That would also mean that it will be mostly me with Luke and just short periods when my mom or husband would be with him. We had couple of fights with my husband at night and in the morning. He feels like I am blaming him and shushing him. I do shush him in the bedroom, because I am afraid of getting Luke awake. At 4AM he took Luke downstairs and started putting him to sleep. I heard him crying for some time but eventually he did fall asleep. I tried to get him asleep earlier after night feeding, but when burping him he got awaken. I feel like my hands can fall off, if I just resort on the bouncing technique. But I still want to wait a little before sleep training. He's such a small baby still.

I am going to talk to a therapist today. I am not sure how good she is, but I gotta try. She didn't sound overly empathetic on the phone. What does she know/remember? It's hard to empathize once you are out of this hell. I am going to tell her that evenings and nights are the worst for me. And the fact that I am so jealous of all other people around me. Which was never a thing! For the last 15 years probably I always thought I had it really good and others are just somehow missing. I remember how I was crying 2 weeks ago (and many other days too) on the Christmas eve and looking into the window of the house across from us. They were having Christmas dinner and I was so jealous that I cannot have this stable normal life. It's like someone stole it from me and I am trapped in a prison. This sort of mood comes in the evenings for me. And in the mornings too. I was on a walk with Luke yesterday morning around 7-8AM and saw a few couples walking with coffee in their hands. I was so jealous: I want to go on a walk with my husband and get coffee and be carefree! Only you don't appreciate it when you have it...