ElenaO

I'll be back at work in the middle of April. I decided to take another 4 weeks off. I'd like to spend some more time with Luke. I finally started enjoying the company of my son. I really love hugging him, kissing him and talking to him. This is such a new feeling. I've barely felt anything before. All I felt was surviving and how would I make it. It's just incredibly hard to be a parent. I don't think most people feel this way, but I do. I am just more sensitive, I feel like. There's so much sadness and guilt lingering inside of me. I feel so much sadness that Luke has to experience discomfort, it's killing me.

Today is the first day when I feel like it's finally clicked and sleep training has started working. Luke took 2 long naps (1.5 hour each) and a 30 min one. Finally! The first nap was extended though using the crib hour technique. Man, I know all these terms now and I could perhaps even advise people now on what to do for their 4 month old babes. I've had an incredible amount of anxiety because of this. All my life turned into learning about sleep training and about how to minimize the amount of crying. Saying that the amount of guilt, sadness I felt during this process is intense is understatement. Last night I could not sleep for hours and kept waking up and checking on the monitor on Luke. This has been happening for days and even weeks now. We started the training on Saturday 15th of January, so it's been 2.5 weeks. I've been crying every single day. Today though I felt was like the turning point. I don't react as strongly to Luke's cries. I just feel like he's protesting. I hate hearing it and it makes me super sad: but it's either him working on it, or me digging myself my own grave. I just cannot take the entire nursing, rocking anymore. On the other hand, I cannot take the crying at nights either. Parenthood is BY FAR the hardest thing I've ever done or will ever do. Emotionally first and foremost. I need to do breathwork but I resist it! I've been crying every day anyway, but I need a bigger release. I know this.

Still so much struggling with the sleep. Luke took long to fall asleep last night, around 20 minutes of crying on and off. Woke up to eat around 2:45 AM and then woke up again at 5:45AM. We ferberized the second time, but he was falling asleep and waking up constantly. Finally got him up at 6:58AM, but I did not sleep in between at all. The naps were slightly longer today though, so that's a positive - 30-45 minute long. Awesome. Still takes quite some crying and resisting it. I wonder if the stroller naps should completely stop. My opinion we need to test. Spoke to the sleep coach Christina today and she said it's fine to move Luke to his own crib and own room. We may do it over the weekend? Planning on having Luke fall asleep at 6PM, which means also early wake. But that's what we've had to deal with anyway, so...

Today was better. I decided I won't be so insecure and pull myself together. I think crying for some time yesterday helped. I decided to stick with the training for another week and it sort of hit me that Luke does know how I feel so he feeds on my insecurity. Today was one achievement when he fell asleep within 3 minutes (albeit with screams).

In such moments I keep asking myself why did I decide to do this? Why??? It seems like no one's happy: not me, not my husband, not my baby. Why????

I hate being a mother. Really. I don't have me time, and even if I do, I cannot relax. I cannot even breath for the last few months, there's something in my chest that wouldn't let me. I have constant anxiety. And this sleep training is just killing me. I am sobbing as I am writing this. I've been crying daily for the last 20 days. I feel like I am miserable and Luke is miserable too. He has to cry so much every day and generally isn't a happy baby a lot of times. Why have babies at all if you create a human being who isn't happy? I hate it!I just want to run away and forget I exist and anything exists.

Talked to my therapist today. She's good in my opinion. She hasn't heard of sleep training and wasn't very confident about it. Well, we chose our course and will stay on it. I am just doubting all of this, so I was as much encouragement as I can get.

Oh man. I am sick. It's not covid though, since I tested multiple times with a home test. So did my husband. I barely have any energy or patience. All I want is to just lie down and do nothing! Luke has been cranky today. It's probably all that lack of sleep he's going through because of training. I'll put him to bed earlier today. My mom is on walk with him right now, he won't probably fall asleep. Planning to put him to sleep around 5:30 PM. I hate seeing him cry so much during the training. It's AWFUL! On the other hand, I love that I get more time for myself and I am not stuck serving baby all of the time. Now it's time for him to work, not just me. We are five days into training now. 2 more days before re-evaluating or drawing conclusions. I hate that I am leaving him crying like that - he's all red and he's so miserable. It makes me tear up even thinking about this now. And it's normal. I hope this period goes away as soon as possible. How will it be at 20 weeks? I wish it will be better!! We are at 18 weeks today.

One more HUGE change. I couldn't take anymore the rocking and nursing to sleep, which was starting to be just highly ineffective and unsustainable. We started sleep training on Saturday afternoon. I never thought I would do this to my baby!!! All the first 4 months all I did was trying to avoid any sort of Luke cries. This was such a HUGE change! Now all we have to deal with is 3-4 hours of crying. It's just horribly HARD! My husband deals with most of it, I get out and go on walks because I cannot take it for the most part. I cry and feel insane guilt. Luke is fighting naps so BADLY! The nights are much better though. It's been 4 days now and I see big improvements for nights, but small improvements for naps. Luke cries and screams (which is just HORRIBLE!!!!) for 20-30 minutes to sleep for 20-25 minutes. We do Ferber, but perhaps extinction is better suited? Who knows...

A lot of things have changed since I posted here last. I made radical decisions which I thought would be for the better because I clearly have PPA and I couldn't handle this anymore. I stopped using any bottles even though this was a very tough decision, because I had plenty PLENTY of anxiety around it. How would Luke fall asleep? Would he get enough food? Would my breasts just fall off from all that pain? I started on Saturday fully no bottles. It's improved considerably by the end of Sunday. I used APNO just a few times, which was much better than what I expected. This was hands down the best decision I've made!

Hi Mandy, I used quite a lot of creams. In fact, I have 3 different types, plus the APNO.

Last night Luke slept for 7 hours (well we have a Snoo, so it helps), but with some small cries. Then he woke up at 3AM and I fed him. Back to sleep at around 4AM. He woke up again at 6AM and I fed him again, and then back to sleep for another 30-40 minutes. My nipples are hurting... I talked to a lactation consultant today about the breastfeeding challenges. She recommended staying off the bottles for 7 days and then reintroducing them using bottle paced feeding. I don't know how I'll survive 7 days of just breastfeeding. My nipples are already all red... Another option would be to leave the bottles but only do the paced feeding while on a walk.

The session with Lori the therapist went above my expectations. Reasonable person and the style of communication are similar to mine. She taught me of 4 square technique to relax and breathe. I tested it and it works if I do it right. I am struggling with the middle step of holding your breath and relaxing your body. Now the question is how do I get Luke off the bottle? Will he get enough food then? That also means I'd have to feed him at least every 2 hours, because they should be small feedings. I could try to do this for a few days, just breastfeed, no bottle. That would also mean that it will be mostly me with Luke and just short periods when my mom or husband would be with him. We had couple of fights with my husband at night and in the morning. He feels like I am blaming him and shushing him. I do shush him in the bedroom, because I am afraid of getting Luke awake. At 4AM he took Luke downstairs and started putting him to sleep. I heard him crying for some time but eventually he did fall asleep. I tried to get him asleep earlier after night feeding, but when burping him he got awaken. I feel like my hands can fall off, if I just resort on the bouncing technique. But I still want to wait a little before sleep training. He's such a small baby still.

I am going to talk to a therapist today. I am not sure how good she is, but I gotta try. She didn't sound overly empathetic on the phone. What does she know/remember? It's hard to empathize once you are out of this hell. I am going to tell her that evenings and nights are the worst for me. And the fact that I am so jealous of all other people around me. Which was never a thing! For the last 15 years probably I always thought I had it really good and others are just somehow missing. I remember how I was crying 2 weeks ago (and many other days too) on the Christmas eve and looking into the window of the house across from us. They were having Christmas dinner and I was so jealous that I cannot have this stable normal life. It's like someone stole it from me and I am trapped in a prison. This sort of mood comes in the evenings for me. And in the mornings too. I was on a walk with Luke yesterday morning around 7-8AM and saw a few couples walking with coffee in their hands. I was so jealous: I want to go on a walk with my husband and get coffee and be carefree! Only you don't appreciate it when you have it...

@Raptorsin7 thank you I am so happy! This small victory definitely helps with my mood a ton!

I am feeling so overly confident now, so that I am just wasting my time now while my mom is on a walk with Luke. Now that I got Luke to sleep (twice!) with my method it feels like everything's solved. Which is wrong, I bet. I should go nap, do yoga, meditate, instead I am sitting here at my computer and eating chocolate. I bet the evening won't be as fun. But I'll switch things up - feeding Luke only after naps. No more fussy-time feeding: no-no-no!

The doubting of whether pepcid works/not working, whether it's adding more troubles rather than help us, makes my head spin. I slept poorly. Worse than Luke. He actually slept pretty well last night, I think. Last night he was very very fussy and I couldn't breastfeed him, because he would just pull my breasts. I stop this behavior immediately, because I know of the consequences. The only good time to feed him is after a nap, and even then it's not a full proof solution that he'll be patient. I know, I messed him up myself with the bottles. But who knew? And I need/needed rest and Luke would be crying, so the bottle was the only solution to console him back then when my husband was with him. Plus, the whole breastfeeding situation was horrible in the beginning. Now it's better, except for the fact that now Luke is smarter and doesn't want to wait for let down. One big win today (and I hope it sticks!!!) is getting Luke asleep indoors. OMG. It feels like such a relief. I don't know if this would work in the future, but it worked twice today. I use the exercise ball (bought the right size one for myself, because using husband's made it so much harder) and a pacifier. No bottles, no milk!! YESSS! I bounce on the bottle and hold the pacifier in Luke's mouth. Bouncing for about 5 minutes gets him asleep. Granted, he shouldn't be overtired when this happens, so I tried to do it 1h after he woke up from the last nap. He naps for 25-30 minutes.

@mememe The chamomile probably wouldn't hurt, but I wouldn't do it without the pediatric approval. I am too afraid of messing something up. I know certain herbs are a no-no during pregnancy and lactation (ofc not chamomile). Thank you for those suggestions, it's something I know about already. I've read probably all of the internet on the topic Which I bet actually adds to my anxiety, so I decided I won't look into it anymore.

To me it looks like pepcid is making Luke feel worse rather than better. He's more agitated than usual. He cried more yesterday evening and slept less than ever since this all started. He's scratched his head all over with his nails. It looks horrible. I've never seen this before. He's scratched himself before but not as much. He's clearly agitated more. We will be speaking to my husband's brother over zoom today. I was trying to get out of it this morning, but my husband got upset. I mean I have enough to deal with. I am feeling better when my mom's out with Luke, walking him. Am I just freaking out? Is it PPD/PPA? Chocolate definitely makes me feel better though, but it's a double edged sword - it may also affect Luke. At least the chocolate I eat doesn't have soy or dairy, so those are ruled out. My mother is moving closer to us tomorrow. This will be a relief I hope. She won't have to travel so much. But it terrifies me that I depend so much on her - what if anything happens and she cannot come help??? OMG!

@mememe It's the carrier, haven't tried the sling. But I bet Luke won't like the sling even more, because even in the carrier he feels like he's trapped and is trying to get out. He also hits his head against me all the time, because he's fussy. Thank you for suggestions on the herbs. I am worried I would do something wrong there, so I'll hold on with that. I don't know if this is normal. I compare to what I see in other mothers. Their babies are chill, at least it seems to me. Obviously I am a first time mom and have no clue about babies, but to me it looks like they have it easier.

All I can do right now is cry. I feel so bad. Meds aren't working (yet?). My baby isn't feeling great, I am not feeling great, it's dark and I don't know for how long will this last. I know it can be worse than that, for example, getting covid on top of all of this, but I am still miserable. Luke wouldn't fall asleep for nap today and drank all of his pumped milk within the first half which usually lasts for the entire day. I took him on a walk in the morning and he slept for 30 minutes, then my mom took him and he slept for another 45. This isn't enough for him. He's very fussy, perhaps, because he sleeps so badly at night. I held him this night from 4AM until 8AM. He woke up at 9PM but I could get him back to sleep, then at 1:30AM when I fed him and let him fall asleep on me. We were back to our own beds by 3AM I think, but then he woke up again crying at 4AM. I am exhausted and feel down. I want some little improvement. I also argued with my mom, she doesn't try to remember what I am telling her (how to use things) and she thinks she doesn't need to listen to me. It's so frustrating. I spoke to a therapist over the phone for 10 minutes. I doubt she had to deal with the same issues as I did, since she didn't sound too empathetic. She's like yeah: it can be hard with lack of sleep and small children. No shit it can be hard! It IS f*king very hard. I just pray for pepcid to kick in.

We do take a bath before sleeping. However, I think it makes him more tense rather. Maybe I need to experiment with other things in terms of bathing. I do just a little massage for his belly. He hates the carrier. I tried multiple times and gave up. I also want to be sure his head is supported well enough, even though I'd think he's ready. He have been having much much less fun times. Mainly because of the hell that broke a few weeks ago with the reflux. Thank you! I am still such a rookie... Poor baby, he has to deal with a mom who has no clue. I feel like I may be messing this child up. And it's a scary feeling...

I tried sleeping with Luke in the same bed, because he kept waking up the entire night. I think I won't do it anymore, or at least not for this long. It's dangerous. Plus, it's not like I am getting so much sleep from it. I'll still use this strategy in the mornings when he wakes up at 5AM and stay with him until 8AM if he can sleep in my arms.

Last and the previous nights were just horrible. Luke would wake up so often, I would try to soothe him with the pacifier. I felt so much desperation, like nothing's working. I feel worst in the evenings and at nights. I wonder how much of it has to do with darkness and hormones. They say pepcid can take weeks to start working. My mom keeps invalidating that Luke has a reflux and that's the cause. Well, that's because she doesn't see him at night or evenings when he's miserable... His crying is so heartbreaking. We are both miserable. I spoke the sleep consultant yesterday and she said that it's not smart to start sleep training before Luke's 6 months old. I agree. To add to this, he already has enough to deal with. At night I have all these dark thoughts that drive me crazy. I just want to run away. I have an incredible hopelessness and fear that this will never end. Each day is such a dread. Luke is 16 weeks today. I wonder how he'll feel at 18 weeks. Would this problem be solved? I just want my honey to feel better.

My mom came to help yesterday and today and I felt so much better. I felt normal for at least some amount of time, while Luke was on a walk. I still feel a lot of anxiety and sadness in the evenings and at nights. Luke wakes up at nights (last night at 11PM, 3AM, 5AM, 6:45AM) and I could put him back to sleep 2 times out of four with a pacifier. But there's always an anxiety, what if it doesn't work? My breasts are hurting and I am anxious about overusing them.