ElenaO

I am debating whether to return to work. I don't want to. I know it's going to be so stressful. I talked to Laurent from work, he's been asking when do I return. I also want to enjoy a little bit of the motherhood. And I think it's coming it's just not there yet. Yesterday felt again like someone's torturing me. I felt like I am in a madhouse because of all these baby night wakings and horrible sleep.

I got a free crib yesterday from a gay couple that lives in Northgate. I follow these Buy Nothing groups on FB and asked for a crib. It's a gulliver white Ikea crib which is in great shape. I ordered the mattress, sheets and a cover on Amazon. We should have it all on Thursday. Luke is so big now (not in weight, unfortunately, but in height) that Snoo is just too outgrown. I sometimes worry he will fall out of it. His legs can go above the borders. Our days started to go faster than before. I am so glad about it. I am glad that the time passes fast, because I still pretty much don't enjoy a lot of it. Much more than before. For example, today is definitely better because Luke's in a better mood. He ate pretty well his solids in the morning and we had a quiet good morning. That is more of an exception rather than a rule, though Usually it's me surviving the fussiness and trying to keep Luke happy. I wish we'd have more of these mornings.

Today is a better day. We keep bouncing up and back with the sleep. I mean it's never great, but it's something better and sometimes worse. I keep waking up 1-1.5 hours. And it takes some effort to fall back asleep. Partly it's because of being worried that Luke is awake: is he crying? is he restless? Partly just because of habit. Luke has early bedtime because of his very short naps. Yesterday and today they are 27-35 minutes only. I need to work on increasing the right wake windows. I was reading files yesterday on naps and it gave me ideas on where I should tweak once I see a pattern. Luke is 5 months and 6 days. I am looking forward to when he's going to be six: first, because we can use the carrier facing forward, second because he can start eating more solids. Luke tried banana on 20th of February for the first time in his life. He's been eating oatmeal mixed with breastmilk for a while now. Probably a month now. He's also tried pumpkin, pear, a little bit of broccoli and broth from the soup that my mom brings me daily. Today is 2/22/2022. Crazy! I want to go get a haircut, but it's so hard to plan it because Luke's wake windows are so short. They are only 2-2.25 hours and I need to put him down 5-10 minutes before. Plus, I need to breastfeed once he's awake. I am looking forward to when his wake windows will lengthen and there's more to do.

I guess I just accept how things are. They are far from perfect. However, they are better I feel than a month ago. Luke turned 5 months yesterday. I am looking forward to his 6 months birthday even more! It's a huge milestone. I don't want to return to work. It's going to be a complete mess: having Luke and having work. Each one requires full commitment. My mom also doesn't feel like she can take all the responsibility for Luke while I would be working. At least it feels this way.

We all need sleep. Me and my baby especially. I don't know what has started this vicious cycle of overtiredness. Is it a cold? Is it reflux that is coming back? Regardless, the baby doesn't get restful sleep at nights. It's painful to see how he rolls and wakes up all the time. Today he had false start, woke up 40 minutes after I put him to bed. He's also been very fussy throughout the day. Even mom was surprised. She usually sees him at his best, but now she finally understood how things are. I told her about all the challenges and she wouldn't understand. It upsets me too. I cannot tell her much, she's just going to argue, but not accept. I went to do my dental clinic and found out that apparently my husband didn't enroll me for dental. Doh. So now I am out of dental insurance and I have no idea how I'm going to get any fillings done. The cleaning will cost over 400 dollars. Just mad.

I started blogging again. I used to blog about travel and life. Now the focus will be on motherhood. It felt good to write. If I quit my job after all, this is what I'd like to focus on besides raising my son. I wonder what would marketing of the blog look like: perhaps just commenting on other people's pages, suggesting my posts, and just writing lots of content.

Today on the evening walk right after I put Luke to bed, I was thinking of what would it be like in one year: Luke would be sitting at the table by that point, we'd all have dinner together. And will be remembering the Valentine's for 2022. Oh, life will be hopefully much easier by then. And I would be working. Luke will walk by then and we will have much more fun by just taking short strolls. I wish I wouldn't have to work for anyone at all. I'd just get to know lots of moms. And our neighbors. I'd also want to do some sort of social media/journaling for money. And that means learning how to market it too.

Today's Valentine's day so Carl made a very sweet present - he made some very cute chocolate pieces (so so good!) in form of hearts with walnuts and blueberries. And a huge rose bouquet. So sweet of him. We went to mainstay provisions restaurant in Ballard. The food was good. Or maybe I'm just not picky because I usually eat super simple stuff: boiled veggies and some air fried meat. Plus of course chocolate. I get my daily dose almost no exceptions. I got some curry chicken salad (subbed salad for bread). Carl got corned beef salad. Both were great. Also had tea and chocolate bar.

We are still having LOTS of night wakings. Luke is waking up almost every hour and cries. Fortunately he settles back, but I cannot fall asleep easily after that. It's also disturbing - the crying sounds so sad. Yet I slept a little better this night than the previous one - my body decided to take over and just sleep. I went to feed Luke at 2am and 4am. Both times I just fell asleep while holding him, so we slept in bed for an hour each time. Crazy! That never happens to me usually, I only remember having this at the 4 months regression when we sort of co-slept part of the night. The second time, and even the first time, Luke wasn't so hungry, really. He just wanted help to go back to sleep, I think. I was worried he's sick, as I couldn't explain all these wakings any other way. So I looked up at night if I could take him somewhere to be seen. But it was too late. Seattle's children hospital's urgent care is open only until 10:30pm, and it was 10:50 when I started thinking about it. But I booked us an appointment with a ped first thing in the morning. So by 10 we saw a doc and she checked everything. No infection visible, but slightly elevated temperature at 99F. Maybe he's having a cold I am having?

Generally I'd say the day was amongst the worst in terms of amount of sleep. Luke woke up so many times last night. I did two feedings instead of one and I am thinking of just doing it from now on. This boy needs food. I slept so badly. I was worried that Luke is sick too. He was so restless the entire night, kept waking up. I understand it's from being overtired. But what do I know? I lied down when Luke was taking his last nap. That helped. The day was somewhat unpleasant in other regards too: Carl and I kept arguing. He took the monitor away saying that I am obsessed. But I need it. I need to see how our boy is doing. The positives: I learned how to use nose frida, it's not hard actually. I went in the evening and got my nails on my feet done. Although didn't like the place. They did a very quick and dirty job. I usually get much better service. I didn't tip.

Today we had super short naps so had to do early bedtime. Luke was asleep by 5:15pm. Insane. It's still light here at this time. I'll try to have a longer window tomorrow morning for his first nap if he wakes up at 7. Otherwise, have it 8:30 as before.

We are back to square one. Still not clear on what am I doing wrong with the sleep. It's clear though that I pushed Luke too much and this little boy is overtired...

Back then I also took such long naps on wakeup. It was insane. I would sometimes stay in bed until 2PM! The nights were horrible. Nowadays, I take no naps at all. Life has improved no matter how hard are times otherwise. Luke won't have any siblings. I don't want to go through this again. I value my life too much.

Today I was remembering what it is like to have a newborn. A wave of gratitude washed over me because I realized how much better it is now than then. I used to have hurtful nipples, constant worry of not being able to breastfeed. Now I have virtually no pain with my nipples. The bottles are evil. They make the child accustomed to fast flow and then the child expects it from the breast. I am so glad I moved to exclusively breastfeeding - this is how it should be and it feels right. I still pump at night now, but just once within 24 h. I am considering power pumping tonight though.

After a couple of days of sleep debt Luke finally decided he wants his sleep back. I guess there's a balance they try to follow - if underslept for a few days, they'll try to recuperate. Today Luke woke up around 6AM and went. First nap was almost 2 h and the second one also almost 2 h. That's unheard of. Our usual naps are 1-1.25 h in the mornings (which is wonderful already), the second nap is usually short though. The third is also short, so we do an early bedtime around 5-6pm. Today perhaps will have a later bedtime.

They say if baby falls asleep within 15 minutes, you got that window figured out. I wonder if he'd fall asleep now within that window.

I just laid Luke down. He uses his thumb to suck to calm himself down and soothe. I am looking at him in the monitor, he's just exploring his bassinet. I wish he'd stop protesting sleeping. I mostly don't listen to this anymore, because it makes me feel very guilty and anxious. I know that cup of anxiety would get filled very very quickly if I. He's not crying right now, but he has his eyes open: is he undertired or overtired by now? Who knows. Understanding babies harder than I would have ever think! Mom took him on a walk earlier and she said he was falling asleep there. However, he may have caught a second wind now and wouldn't go down Maybe I missed his window.

Today my husband asked me what do I like most about motherhood. I answered: the moments when Luke is happy and showing he likes me. We usually have those after a feeding, when I'd hold him on my hips (him sitting with his legs over my hips, he is a tall boy ) and us communicating. I would sing to him (this little piggie went to market, this little piggie stayed home... or rockabye baby song) and he'd smile and agoo. I'd also snuggle with him. It started maybe 2-3 weeks ago when he suddenly became huggable. I'd just be able to hug him and he'd respond. It was such a warm feeling. I finally feel love really towards him. It took so long... I'd still get overwhelmed, especially in the morning, feeling like I cannot handle this.

So today we had up and downs. However, the sleep specialist reassured me and I felt so much better. She urged not to give up and continue the work. She confirmed that for a lot of people the progress isn't linear. And that I am not harming my baby in any way. He's no abandoned, he is learning. She took away some of my anxiety. I need to hear this. Because all I feel is immense guilt and anxiety! Last night I kept waking up every hour and wouldn't fall asleep for long stretches. Well, this is how it is nowadays... Luke didn't fight his bedtime this night too much (he did get very upset in my hands though right before I put him into his bassinet), for which I am very grateful. I thought he would, because he was pretty tired for the last piece of the afternoon. Maybe that's why he wasn't fighting it.

I'm just going to give up tomorrow if things aren't improving. At least I won't feel as much guilt as I do now! It's horrible to hear all that crying.

On the other hand, I am afraid that stopping that would create other problems - fussiness, impatience to feed. So perhaps lengthening naps is a good idea. I just won't force LO to sleep in the early mornings.

This is just driving me crazy!! I will stop doing the crib hour and I will stop waiting for him to cry in the early morning. I will get him up any time after 6AM. And I am thinking of sitting with him in the room.

I went for a walk with mom and Luke. It was nice. The weather isn't yet great but the spring is close. And I am sick again. I don't know why and how. I am afraid Luke would get it too. Being a mother is all about worry. I did kiss him on the neck today many times, which isn't smart I try not to do it tomorrow, hopefully he doesn't get it. I saw him doing happy baby pose for the first time today! And he also really giggled! He is starting to look much more like a human being.

I did breathwork yesterday for maybe 20 minutes and I do see improvement just from such a short session. I also cried today while Luke woke up and was doing his crib hour (you stay in crib until the hour is up so baby has opportunity to fall back asleep). That helped too. My husband is saying the hell is in my mind, and we have a nice life.

I feel like we are alternating this: one day is better, one day is worse. I feel a lot of guilt. For one, because I think I may need to feed Luke more often at night and I am doing it only once now. I let him self-soothe himself for the rest of the times. I just ordered baby scale and will get it on Monday. I will then reassess if he's gaining enough. And if he doesn't I'll reintroduce the second feed. I also feel a lot of anxiety around letting him self-soothe himself and let him sleep 10 hours without a meal at 4.5 months old. Another reason for guilting myself is letting him scream and cry. I am definitely uncomfortable doing it. I may reassess this too next week. For now I think if Luke wakes up before 6AM, I'll let him go back to sleep. And anything until 6:20 is not a reason to start the morning. If Luke does not fall asleep until then, we start the day. Ideally Luke would wake up at 7AM.