ElenaO

Thank you! It's 2023. I am considerably more irritable and tired and feel like it takes more of me to do the chores and taking care of Luke. It's surely because of pregnancy. Honestly even days off aren't so fun anymore. I think it's a slight nausea, tiredness and just general feeling of being sick of everything. I am also stressing because Luke fights the naps somewhat and does not fall asleep as easily as he used to. So will need to adjust his wake windows again, and looks like soon we are going to switch to one nap. Right now I feel like I want to quit my job. Really.

It's Christmas Eve. We aren't doing anything special, really. Though, I did have a walk today at Ravenna, alone. For 2 hours. Carl took Luke to Burke museum and got some time to myself. I love walking around new neighborhoods, the ones I've never been to. I went to a farmer's market and got a double chocolate espresso cookie. Also ate TONS of chocolate today. All I want to do is eat, read and lie down. Exhausted. In a different way. I found out 2 days ago I am pregnant! So that's that. Tomorrow we might go for a hike for the first time since Luke was born. This Christmas is cardinally different from the previous one. Even if we aren't doing much. I was so desperate and broke last year. It was nightmare. this time we are getting an au pair to help. Will see how it goes.

It's been long since I posted anything here. Things have changed since then. I do realize that once your child grows and you are out of that SH*T hole of being depressed, things are considerably better. I wish someone would have told me that actually. I remember asking my brother and my mom on this and all they could say was: it's always going to be challenging. But it IS NOT F*CKING true. I agree, it's always challenging, but things are WAY better when your child is a toddler. I cannot say that things are easy right now. Far from it. Especially how 1 years display their emotions. And the constant worry (I woke up screaming this night and woke up my husband because I dreamt of a cabinet falling on Luke. It isn't the first time I have these nightmares). And the stress. And the tears, the arguments with mom and Carl, the guilt at work for not doing enough. But man, things become easier with time. Either because you just understand your child better, you gain some confidence and some direction, or because they just become more independent. Anyway, I am out of that shit hole I've been to and I am so grateful. The reason my mom and my brother couldn't tell me that is exactly because they've never been to that shit hole. Luke's talking ta-ta, da-da all the time. It's been for months. Also ma-ama-ma. But that means eating, I think. He's walking now on his own and it's extremely cute. He's generally very-very cute. And I do feel a lot of love towards him. Which I haven't felt at all for the first 8 months at the least. Maybe even 10. I do enjoy spending time with him for the most part. He's smart! He's still on 2 naps and sleeps around 14 h a day (which is lots if anyone would have told me based on other kids' numbers). He used to sleep waaay less when he was younger.

I do understand now more the depth of suffering. I used to have such a shallow understanding of difficulties. I can symphathize more now with those that go through hard (and much harder than me!) times. I never actually contemplated how it is for them. I did kind of understand it's tough, but never actually did fully symphathize. And it can be much much harder than what we have. Yet the feelings I have are still valid. It's hard and it's exhausting.

I am being pushed to the limits. I am exhausted both emotionally but more so physically. Fortunately Carl is back and he took Luke for a walk now. I realize that once I have a short break, I get a better perspective on things. The situation becomes manageable. Yesterday I had to call in my mom earlier because my arms were falling off. I actually felt it's dangerous to carry Luke, because I could just drop him. Also my mental state was dangerously pushed over the limits. I was feeling like a crazy person. So I texted her to come earlier. Luke is crying quite some. I don't know why. Even distraction doesn't help. You carry him around, you try to talk to him, he'd still cry. No idea why. The ped thought it may be constipation, but he pooped yesterday. And he did today, yet he's still crying. Maybe it's just a phase. I mean he's never been particularly happy, he's been pretty grumpy a lot of the time, but now it's a lot of crying besides the grumpiness.

Man, it's tough. Luke has these days when he's crying at minor stuff. It's nerve-wrecking. He's asleep now, but it's been over an hour since I've been feeling this: I don't want to do this another day I know it's just the feelings that will pass, but seriously how many women feel like this? Is motherhood supposed to be tears almost every single day? Why no one told me that? Half of the day (or all of the day) I'm trying to fight exhaustion and muscle pain because I don't get enough sleep, another half I'd get these strong feelings of worry for Luke, or anger, frustration and impatience that I cannot do this anymore. Carl is gone to NY. In some ways it's actually easier in some ways harder. I just hope this gets better at some point so I don't feel like crying. Being a mom is so hard.

Things are going up and down. Overall I must be grateful that things look much better than they used to be. MUCH better. We went with Carl and Luke to a cafe this mornings after Luke's first nap. It was nice. I haven't slept well at all, was very tired in the morning and very upset that Carl would not let me sleep in the early morning even though Luke was asleep. We keep having recurring arguments about lack of sex. Ugh. I had an omelette with goat cheese, bacon and toasts. I am still not sure if I should avoid dairy. I've restarted eating small things with milk, like milk chocolate and now this omelette. I don't know if it affects Luke. It does look like he spits up somewhat. But I cannot say for sure if it's the dairy. I am also worried about my chocolate consumption. I am worried it does make Luke restless, irritable, not able to sleep at nights. But I also know that chocolate is something that definitely improves my quality of life and mood. Nothing works as well. Luke was sweet today and not too fussy and didn't cry much except for the evening. Last night he woke up twice and I went to feed him. We've had quite a few good nights now with just one feeding, but something happened yesterday, he was crying the entire day and then the night went bad too.

Went to see a primary doctor last Friday. See how are my hormones (proved to be OK) and also discuss the possibility of PPA medication. Haven't decided I will start now. Will wait and see. It was nice to get out of the house. Ballard looked so different - all springy with leaves on the trees. I feel restless. I probably need to cry and sob to release all of this.

I have a pretty good day yet I feel like crying. I am so emotionally tired and worried. I am pretty sure I have post partum anxiety, it's not severe, but it does manifest. I am constantly watching Luke on the monitor and I am dreading him crying. It's so crazy. I so much want my life back where there wasn't too much to worry about, I had my freedom, I could work on myself. I guess babies also grow you in some ways - I definitely learn that I need to be more conscious of my feelings. It manifests in me being very annoyed with my mother and I scold at her. Even though she isn't doing anything terrible. She is herself not able to control her emotions but yet she's definitely calmer than me. Well, she's not a mother of an infant. Luke is babbling nowadays much more and he's super cute in those moments. But I don't think he can self-regulate himself just yet which results in him crying part of the day. And I don't know why - either overstimulation or tummy issues. Who knows. I wish I could ask him. We are learning sign language little by little. It's May 1st and it's warm here. I am constantly worried that it's too warm in Luke's room. So we will get a central AC at the end of May. It costs astronomical numbers - almost 17k.

I am at my wits end. Again. Luke is fussy and cries quite a lot. I don't know why - either because he doesn't get enough sleep and is overtired (well he rubs his eyes often), or because something else's going on, like teething. I am myself at the end of my power. I will talk to my therapist and ask her if the feeling of worry and negativity is normal. I cannot sleep well and wake up constantly worried. I don't even think about things, I just have this deep worry inside of me. Also desperation - it feels like I just cannot do it anymore. I am going to see a physician too and discuss the possibility of some medication... I would have never considered it, but I am so sick of this. I am also exhausted physically and that doesn't add to the quality of life.

We are back to really hard times. At the least it's for me. I am having dark thoughts at nights and barely sleeping (even when my baby's sleeping). Yesterday pushed me to the edge. We went to the tulip festival (that was a courageous idea), I woke up early and didn't nap at all. Lately Carl has been taking Luke so I could sleep for some time in the mornings. But I didn't catch any zz yesterday so it made the day extra hard. Then on the way to the festival Luke slept only 20 minutes! That's not nearly enough. Especially with these long wake windows we are having right now of 3-3.5 hours. So while walking in the fields Luke was somewhat cranky, but on the way back fell asleep again. But only for 26 minutes. So we had a crappy nap day and I had to give another nap later on which was 40 minutes instead. But now Luke's used to longer windows and I attempted to put him down at 6:20 and that was an epic fail. Just like it's been lately, with that transition to 2 naps. He cried for like 20 minutes from frustration.

Luke has his first tooth coming out! It looks cute. I noticed he started biting me 2 days ago and I was teaching him to stop. He always makes this upset sad face when I say No. Also when anything upsetting to him happens: meeting a new person, coughing, sneezing, too loud voices. This boy is sensitive ?❤️ My mom came now. 30 minutes earlier. I am so annoyed that she doesn't read things attentively. On Friday she was late, today she's early. It makes me so annoyed! Partly because she generally annoys me - with all that inattentiveness, partly because I am generally a little irritated today.

I am so thankful for today. It was one could say a perfect day. I can see how Luke influences my mood and wellbeing. He slept until 7AM!! With one waking around 3AM where he went back to sleep. And one feeding at 5:37 AM. That's it. He also had good naps (over 1h for each), except for the last one which one just 16 minutes! that's crazy!! It was day off for my mom so it was me and Carl who was taking care of Luke We went to a super cute park in Kenmore. I was feeling rested for the first time in such a long time!! Right now I am actually ready to crush to bed. And it's only 7:26. I was ready at 7PM already actually. We also had sex today. Carl wants to get another kid. I wrote in my blog and got more views from people on my posts thanks to comments I wrote on another person's blog.

We still struggle with sleep. I wonder when will this end? I put Luke down early, because he's been cranky the entire day - not feeling good. He woke up after 40 minutes and wouldn't fall back asleep. I feel so bad... I am restarting to meditate slowly, and today in the evening I did 20 minutes. My concentration is really not great, but I got a few moments of mindfulness. I started crying at a point because of all that's been piling up for days and weeks. I feel so sad for Luke. I am crying as I am writing. This poor baby is sobbing and he cannot fall asleep. I don't know why it's so hard for him.

Luke's still sick it seems. His legs are stiff, he doesn't want to bend them. He also arches his back a lot. Not sure why. He slept poorly, he couldn't fall asleep for an hour this night. I also slept poorly. I want this period to end as soon as possible. We do cheat in the mornings, meaning I hold Luke after feeding and we sleep together until 7AM. Only today it was until 6:30AM, because Luke woke up and wouldn't fall back. Oh man, it's tough. I want it to be evening already so I could go relax and read a book, and lie down. Mom came over, but it was a bad idea. I am all irritable.

We drove to Lynnwood today with Carl for shopping. Took Luke with us. He was feeling so well until he didn't. I think it probably overwhelmed him, plus he was getting ready for bed. At the end it was a total meltdown, and on the drive back he was screaming like someone was cutting him alive! Carl got frustrated, he isn't used and is super annoyed by it. I am used to this. I just felt bad for Luke. In the end I put my pinkie into Luke's mouth instead of a pacifier, which we didn't take and he fell asleep. When we got home I stayed in the car with Luke for him to finish his nap. It was raining and it very cozy. I got 3 pair of shoes!! They are nice. It's not like I care that much, but still. I haven't had new things for a while. Plus it was nice to drive north after such a long period of no driving anywhere far.

I hate it that Luke has to scream to fall asleep. It's so intense! I feel so bad for him He used to not cry at a point almost at all. Now we are back to what we had earlier. I thought we wouldn't have to deal with this again... But no.

Luke is crying much more again at nights. He woke up today at 2:46AM and couldn't fall asleep and screamed intensely. I do realize I forgot how it is. I am definitely not comfortable with it. I went in to check on him and did a mistake by picking him up. It's not fair towards him to confuse him. He didn't fall asleep until 4AM. Woke up again at 5AM and then I went in to nurse him and stayed with him until 6:30AM in the morning. I hate that I am "cheating" with the whole program. He should be falling asleep on his own but I hate hearing him scream like that. I need to work on a plan how to wean him off one feeding too. I scheduled an appointment with the sleep consultant on that. For now I will just continue feeding not before 1AM and then second time around 4-6AM. I need to have reasons why I am doing it: - his diaper will be wet if I do it too early - I am confusing him and staying inconsistent, so more crying in the future - he isn't getting enough sleep because he's expecting me to come over I also want to discuss how to reduce the early morning wakings.

I will be inviting Gagik and Stella on 13th over to sort of celebrate Luke's birthday, even though it's earlier than it should be. But I am trying to stay flexible, they are leaving to Armenia soon. I don't want anyone picking up Luke. And I want to enforce that once they come over. I also want to have the party outdoors due to infections, covid. It's just safer and would give me a piece of mind.

Tomorrow Luke will try carrot for the first time. We take these things for granted, but there is one day only in our lifetime when we try things for the first time in our lives. I feel like I need to document this day for Luke. He tried banana first time a week ago or so. He is becoming very funny, because of his curiosity. He's looking at the lights, pictures and other objects with such wonder. It's funny! Then it's so SWEET when he smiles to me. It's such an honest and sweet smile it makes me filled with warmth. All I know that I'm finally starting to feel those lovely mommy feelings I've missed for so many months. I literally had none of this up until now.

I've been exhausted recently. One because of the illness, two because of just not getting enough sleep. I go to bed by 7:30pm and do two feedings a night, sometimes I pump too. But it's almost 12 hours that I spent laying somewhere, either with Luke in bed feeding him or in my own bed. The problem is the anxiety and worry over Luke's sleep: is he asleep now, did he call me already, when will he wake up? I also resist doing things I should be doing because I am so exhausted. I just let myself slack off because I know I am tired. I don't know if it was the right decision to delay work. Probably yes. How would I deal with so many things at the same time?

Thank you ? It wasn't beautiful until things improved. I have to say it was the hardest thing ever. Looking back I think it's mostly due to depression that I've had. And partly because of inexperience, insecurity, and just overall challenges of being a mom.

Today is the last meeting for PEPS. It was fun. I had Luke in the video today while he was eating his oatmeal mixed with breastmilk. He even started babbling something while I was talking. We discussed with Carl about Luke siblings. Maybe...

The routine makes days run much quicker. And so does early bedtime. I've been putting Luke down at 6pm because he has catnaps pretty much all the time. I go to sleep by 8pm myself. Which is unheard of. But this is how motherhood changed me. Luke is less fussy than he used to be and I wonder if he's just getting enough sleep (or more than he used to) or is it because he's outgrowing it. Either way I am very happy about it. He's also a little more independent now, plays with toys on his own for a few minutes while I could do 5-10 min yoga here and there. I've been sick and exhausted for 5 days now. It's so annoying to get sick all the time. It's the third time since the beginning of February I am seeing a dentist today. My husband messed up and I didn't get a dental insurance this year but I fortunately got one from my workplace, though late. Hopefully they'll reimburse the money for my fillings.

I started to write again to my livejournal blog. Wrote 2 posts: one about having a baby, another one asking others' opinion of whether I should post Luke's photos in LJ. Got quite a lot of comments. I wish I could just stay home and work on my blog. It feels good to write.