ElenaO

We moved to one nap yesterday. Surprisingly it's going pretty well so far. Worried though that this will show its consequences in a day or two when Luke gets all too overtired. It does feel like world was turned upside down - all of our routines are changed. I feel somewhat exhausted in the mornings because I am used to have a break around 9:45am, now it's until 11:15 that we are rocking and rolling until it's time for a nap. I sleep poorly. Worrisome dreams every night, worrying about Luke also. It's somewhere in the subconscious not within my control.

Oh so tired. Mostly emotionally. I feel like any cry or disapproval from Luke bothers me a ton and causes so much guilt. All that tripping while walking - I am constantly worried that he's going to fall and hurt himself. I also really don't like the crying it makes me sad. I always apologize to Luke if there's something I am doing that we need to get done - I probably shouldn't be apologizing. It's an ocean filled with worry, guilt, and love. Today my amygdala is overly sensitive, maybe because I havent slept enough, maybe because I was anxious about moving to one nap. Either way, every day is hard work.

We may start moving to one nap with Luke starting tomorrow. I am anxious of doing it because I know it won't be easy. Even writing about it now makes me feel unease and worry. How is Luke going to take not sleeping for 5 hours straight? Will he cry and be overtired when going for his one and only nap? (I think he will be overtired there's no way around :(). My Mom's hands aren't doing better even with the steroid shot she's got. I saw her hands today and they looked scary because of the inflammation. I have no idea who's she is dealing with it. I felt sad and bad for her (which I rarely do, I guess). It feels like she's getting older and she's seriously aging and it made me feel like the end isn't far

Thank you @Gladius. It is! Thank you for your compassion. It is most definitely the most exhausting experience I've ever had, both mentally and physically. And I think it gets easier with time, but when a child is small it's most intense.

Yesterday I felt like I cannot do it anymore. So tired. My mom is also not able to take care of her own things, it frustrates me a ton. Luke was also very irritable, he was today too, but much better. He wants to bite everything if he's irritated, including me. Fortunately he hasn't bitten my breast yet but he sort of was going to, but I guess realized it's not a good idea. So today I was sitting all toughened up from being afraid of him biting my nipple. Other times he's really really cute and sweet. Especially when he does this rrrrrrrrrr sound in his own baby way while snuggling and laying on the back. A lot of times when I look at him I just want to kiss him all the time, his cheeks are so soft and he's just super cute, like really!!! And I do kiss him a lot. He's trying to saying words now, and a lot of times it's the endings or the beginnings of the word that he actually says. Some words though work pretty well, like cat he can say entirely. He also says Carl or Charl when I mention his daddy. Carl is not liking that Luke calls him by name. Yeah, it will pass.

Today was nice but at the same time tough. We went to walk to Green Lake, got two slices of Zeeks pizza, Carl got ice cream, I got a cookie and a few small chocolates. The weather is nice, it's almost spring, or so it feels. Luke has been crying and irritable for the last few days. I don't know what's happening. I am thinking if it persists I'll take him to his ped to see what's going on. It's so hard to know when children don't speak. He was crying and getting frustrated at bathtime too, not sure if it's tiredness, teething, pain somewhere, you guess it...? It makes me worried.

Today was my last day at work. People were super nice and said some words that truly made me feel good about myself. It was so nice! Now on to thinking how I'll be spending my time: preparing for future interviews, spending more quality time with Luke, practicing assertiveness while with Luke outside and other kids/parents are crossing the boundaries.

I think Luke knows when I am having fun and enjoying the time with him. If I am engaged and happy he acts like he enjoys it too. Well, it's vice versa a lot of times - we affect each other. But I think lately he's been enjoying spending time with me more and likes me more. I like to see that. Another funny fact: He has this sheet with whales on it. He *knows* (so observant!) it belongs to his bed! So he drags it to his bed every time he sees it. I changed the sheets and he has a different one right now, so he keeps bringing the one with whales back to bed. It's funny! But he really insists that it has to be in his bed! It's similar to other things that he considers that must happen a certain way: for ex. he thinks his pouch with puree should be thrown into the trash can (even if it hasn't been used fully yet), that his purees sometimes need to go inside the grocery paper bag (my Mom asks him to put it into her purse when she comes over because they'll have a puree on the walk). It's cute and funny. He also started showing his preference for drinking from the cup with the straw, which is satisfying to me

Luke sometimes is really fun and happy. For example he loves to roll on our bed. I haven't really noticed or paid attention to this before but he seems to love soft and fluffy things and rolling on them. I knew he loves his stuffed toys but apparently anything soft is preferred. He also loves to put his cute blonde small head on a pillow, or just the entire body for that matter. And just lie on it. It's so funny! We went to Kirke park today and had some fun. Luke likes sliding down the slide (a small one) and I did it with him! We did all kind of interesting stuff in the park: climbed on the stairs up to another slide (that one was too scary so we went just once), walked on the swings (yes, walked! Luke was wobbling while walking and I was holding him), we played in the sandbox (Luke was throwing the sand out of the sandbox :D), then we explored a tree. All of the while I was anxious because we needed to go home to change a poopy diaper.

We went to see our friends Gagik and Stella and their daughter Alice. It was nice. They cooked food, they are always hospitable. Luke seemed to enjoy it for the most part. He did show his stranger's suspicion in the beginning. He didn't like it when Gagik or Stella were interacting with him. He was crying in the beginning. I do not like the part that people usually have some unhealthy foods such as pastry when having guests over. I didn't eat much of it, but still you are sort of forced into it. I was also hungry (probably should eat more veggies/meat for lunch). Even though I enjoyed our time out I do think it does not promote so much what I want in life. But Carl insists that it's important for Luke to interact with kids of his age. I do not think it's true. I think he's perfectly happy if he's loved by his parents and has a good environment for growth and development. I don't believe in this whole idea of "children/people have to socialize". Especially if they are young toddlers of 16 months.

I'll get the book. Thanks for the recommendation. Parents mess up and having a child is the most challenging thing I've ever done. Hands down. The first 8 months were hellish, not a joke. Now I actually enjoy it for the most part, even though I bet a lot of mothers enjoy it even more. It's great to hear that you got such results from shadow work and regression therapy as well as primal therapy. I haven't heard of the regression or primal therapies but I'll look into it. Thanks for bringing it up.

OK, that makes sense. I agree that I may be oblivious to such things. It's interesting to hear what your experience is.

My hCG levels are at a few hundreds, so the process is moving towards the end. I started appreciating Luke more after I lost this other baby. We just connect better now in general. I love him more, I think and enjoy to spend time more. He's into looking at the books now and it's so sweet. He sits down on my lap and we look at the board books. He shows me a picture and I comment on it. He comments something too, like "Ta-ta" (his fave and most common). He's also into exploring machines, like the coffee machine. He really persists on me getting him up to look at it and touch it and push the buttons. Same with the alarm system, and now the upper cabinets, and the changing table that we haven't been using for a while. I started brushing Luke's teeth myself. I basically force him. He does not like it and he cries quite some. But I guess he knows what's it about and after I finish he is grumpy maybe for a couple of seconds but then stops and we again enjoy each other. Carl just told me that he bought him a couple new board books. Hope Luke likes them so we can enjoy our time reading. His current favorite got torn into two and he was sad today in the evening when we couldn't look at all of the pictures (the larger part of the book was somewhere else and we had to read just 3 pages of the book).

Good luck with your goals. Dopamine is truly hard to avoid in our world of easily available pleasures. The only way to get rid off it is consciously and consistently applying some rules that stick and work. I am trying to fight with food overconsumption. And that's a relatively healthy food overconsumption. Yet, it is hard.

I got good results with Tinder. In fact I married the man. And have a child right now. Happy. Be direct and don't beat around the bush - say right away on your profile what are you looking for. Also quit any dates that aren't for you - they have different goals, you don't like them, don't waste your time.

It's all the same every single day: unsatisfied with how much and what I eat. I have to figure this out once and for all!!! I am exhausted too and that makes me more hungry than I should be. Ooof. Went for a blood draw today to get my hCG checked. Probably dropped a lot. Will get a call from a nurse tomorrow to see what's next. Hopefully the pregnancy/miscarriage completed on its own and I won't need to do anything else. I still feel COVID symptoms even though the test shows negative.

Sure, I may consider diving into it. But it's a bit radical to think that just birth would have such a huge influence on everything. It may be too fatalistic. A lot of these things may also be just a coincidence. I mean I am not ready to do this and that too, but I wasn't induced. So it's all up for interpretation too. I don't want to disregard this but looking at it from the side (I haven't read the book but I've heard how being wrapped around with the cord influences your life too) it seems ridiculous that it would basically define your life.

Thank you. This gave me food for thought.

Oooof, so tired today. I did not sleep enough. I didn't take unisom last night and here we go. I may have got used to it? I used it for pregnancy and I do have to confess I slept better. So I'll take another one today. Note that I am only using 1/4 of what was recommended for pregnancy nausea symptoms. I overate too. On dark (too dark) chocolate. I decided to eat ghirardeli instead of my usual chocolate fix, but that one was too high in cocoa (72%). It actually makes me tired instead of helping. No, no more. My manager asked me if I want to stay at work... considering everything what happened = miscarriage. I was like "I haven't thought about it". I should have said I didn't know this was an option. I thought there's no way back once you gave a notice of resignation. I should have said no immediately. But now I realize my ego liked that he asked me to stay. I mean who doesn't like to hear that they are valued. Of course. I'll tell him no, because I gotta be true to myself and others.

I have a small child. I do feel both guilt and anger at the same time always when it comes to situations that my child doesn't do something I really need. This only happens if I am not at my best. If I am feeling fine I usually won't get angry. But to your point, I do agree - these come hand in hand for a parent. I am also afraid that if I do feel anger actually my boy can feel it. Even if I don't say anything or do anything.

Went for a walk at the waterfront today while Carl was with Luke. Got a couple of cookies too. I do not feel great - mostly tired all the time (physically and emotionally). But then again when have I felt all full of energy ever? I feel like I need to cry so I should do breathwork maybe tomorrow if have time in the evening. I should set a cleaning schedule and programming one too. And write down on the whiteboard my focus: commit to presence, enjoy time while with Luke, leetcode, a little bit of time for myself so I can enjoy life (that is mainly on the weekends). The plan is to do at least 1 exercise a day of leetcode or 2 hours of focused practice. May also read Cal Newports book on focus so I can reground myself. Priorities: - being present - enjoy time with my son - leetcode (2 h) - meditation (min 10 minutes) - breathwork (2 a week) - enjoy (read interesting books, walk new places, cook and eat, talk and meet other moms).

Do you really think this affects anything? A lot of women are induced. I was for once induced to give birth to my son. It's done because a lot of times it's safer and just better for both mom and the baby.

I have a little more hope now. Things are just easier: I don't have this feeling that I don't care about anything all I want is die. It's indifference and dread of the future, like there's no point in tomorrow or today - it's all just a drag. I sort of feel like this right now but it's exponentially lower. Well after all my hormones aren't at the non-pregnant state (5 for non-pregnant women). I still had them in thousands just a few days ago. It's difficult because I am both emotionally and physically tired. Some days are better, some are worse. But it's a common theme: trying to gather myself to get things done. I hope one day soon Luke will be doing things on his own and I will be more rested. His crying often makes me cry. I feel bad for him and I am also irritated at the same time. It's tough to be a parent.

My hCG hormone levels are going down so I am starting to feel better. No nausea, no feelings like I totally hate my life. I still have some of it, but it's levels lower. We drove to Capitol Hill today and I walked on my own while Carl and Luke where on their own. We are planning for another kid soon.

I just found out I have a miscarriage... It's been such a long month. I've been feeling down a lot. I feel like I live just to end the day. There's little pleasure to none throughout the day. Being pregnant was so hard. Probably not for everyone but in my case it affects me on many levels. It's just not a good quality of life. I am still feeling nausea, adverse reaction to a lot of things, even though I am practically not pregnant anymore (they couldn't find the baby, calling it "suspect spontaneous abortion"). Luke and everyone else here has COVID too. So it's really crappy few days... Luke's also whining and crying a lot and at times I just cannot take it! I just feel like just disappearing. I am so annoyed by all this crying.