ElenaO

One more cute thing. Luke started telling me his experiences while breastfeeding in the evening. It goes like this: bike, cool (school), dada (dad), buball (basketball). Meaning he biked with Dada to the school and saw basketball. It's just very very cute

We traveled to Bellingham on Friday and stayed there for a night. Left back to Seattle on Saturday late morning. It was all good except for the sleep. Especially for Luke. He didn't have his normal nap, instead he napped 30 minutes in the car (vs 2.5 hours which we usually get in the crib!). Hence, he was all wiry but still handled it pretty well. The bedtime though gave me some "gray hair". I already forgot how it was when he was screaming (literally hysterical scream) when trying to fall asleep. We don't deal with this anymore. But that night either because everything was new, or because he was overtired, he couldn't fall asleep. I stayed by his crib for an hour after putting him in. He screamed so much that he became all sweaty so I changed him into a lighter sleep sack. It all made me worried: did he get too much sun exposure, was he dehydrated (I kept giving him water while he was trying to fall asleep). At that point I felt like this trip wasn't worth it. Overall, though, the experience was very nice. Except we are all still recovering from it. I am physically tired, so is Carl, so is Luke, I believe.

Hi! I am feeling better now. This everything isn't over but it's definitely moving in the right direction. Thank you for asking.

DO NOT READ BELOW if you are triggered by death or biological related details of miscarriage. The Friday night was horrible. Because of mifopristone my nausea worsened and I barely slept at night. I also had scary images half-asleep half-awake of the baby being removed from me. I woke up and the day was just as hard as the night because of the lack of sleep. I took misoprostol around noon and the bleeding started around 2 hours later. The tissue started passing a little later after. I did scoop some of it to see what it is to try to identify the embryo, but it was all just tissue without any form whatsoever. It looked like caviar or you could say pieces of liver. It was so strange. I think most of the heavy bleeding stopped around midnight or sometime after when I was asleep. We met with Gagik and Stella today, they had Alice with them. Luke wasn't interested in playing with her at all, but that's a usual scenario. He was running and curious about the playground instead. Apparently Luke speaks way more words than Alice (at least according to her parent's words). Maybe because she's in daycare so she doesn't get individual attention and interaction with adults. Who knows.

@Something Funny Thank you for your kind words and for the sympathy. I do understand all of this logically and I agree that I am not a baby factory and that I have a right to have and do more than just produce and raise children. However, on the other side I do somewhat understand that it's me who's meant to carry a baby (men cannot do that). And I am sorry I couldn't perform on this as much as I would like. This was indeed out of my control and I didn't do anything wrong. Yet there's still a burning feeling that I failed. Because I did, maybe not consciously but I did. However, there's nothing I can do about it. I think we'll all just have to accept it and move on.

I am back from another ultrasound today which again confirmed the baby has passed away. He stopped growing at 6 weeks and actually started becoming smaller (this is so creepy I am not sure I should have written it). The reason I went for another ultrasound is because my hCG levels are very high. Just like I would have a normal pregnancy. Hence I have all the pregnancy symptoms: nausea, fatigue. I also didn't nap today because of the ultrasound appt and all I was waiting is for this day to become evening when I can relax. Honestly, I don't know how I'd be able to handle two kids when I can barely do a decent job with one child. Most importantly, I cannot say I am all over the moon about my life. Most likely it's also because of all my hormonal changes, but a lot of things right now are hard job to lift. Even doing yoga in the morning requires will power, which was not the case before. I'll be talking to my nurse tomorrow and will ask for medication to end the failed pregnancy (that's what they officially call it). I won't get the pills until the weekend though, because it takes time for order to process. It's so strange that my body doesn't realize that the baby isn't developing and doesn't give up. It's tricked to think everything's fine and it should continue the pregnancy.

I found out on Tuesday that the baby inside of me is dead... I felt sad for this human being who didn't get to live. This miscarriage is worse than the first one because I actually got to see the baby on the ultrasound. I saw him on Tuesday and the week before when he still had a heart rate. It's so sad... I actually felt less sadness last time, maybe because I was so miserable otherwise (all the pregnancy hormones made me feel anhedonic, not wanting anything, terrible nausea, irritation). We did the transvaginal and the nurse couldn't find the heart rate on Tuesday and the baby hasn't grown at all since the last time, so they decided it's conclusive. I'm still going to take an hcg test this Friday for reference for the future when the bleeding begins. The weird part (mostly for my husband) is that the baby is still inside of me. And from my calculations he has passed many days (if not weeks) ago. Somehow my body still considers that I am to nourish his life and that's why I am still feeling nauseated and very fatigued. More than that, it's strange that the baby is still inside and I have no symptoms of miscarriage whatsoever. I decided I wanted to wait for the tissue to pass on its own. I'll wait and see for a week and may change my mind at that point. I don't think we'll try again. That's what we are both inclined to do. I have many different feelings in regards to what happened. 1. I feel very sad for this baby. He or she never got to live. I also felt it's so saddening that he or she got to die alone without anyone's holding her or him. 2. I feel like I seriously failed. I mean 2 miscarriages in a row. now I feel like I need to prove my worth to my husband. 3. I don't know what will follow: should I start searching for jobs now and have Luke join a daycare? This has to be all planned, because none of this was in our future plans.

We both are sad about certain things, but I am also grateful for how things are either way. We have Luke, who's healthy, we are healthy, we are all capable and smart in our family. This is a huge gift. If you look around, there are so many people who are unfortunate due to their lack of money, capability, just misfortune, health. I am reading a story of a woman who's been handicapped since birth. Everyone treats her like some ugly unattractive human, who will not be ever be able to experience the same treatment or opportunities as an average human. This is so crazy. Just like that - you are born with a disability and you lose already from the start.

We are in a gray area in regards to pregnancy. It's unclear and will become more certain on Tuesday when I go back in for another ultrasound. The baby had a very low heart rate at the exam this week (60 bpm, super low), plus he or she was tiny. 12 days younger than I calculated. Which makes us wonder if the baby just doesn't develop... I am afraid to even write about it, fearing that writing will make it true. Of course, nothing that I do or think changes how things are. We went with Luke to the dentist yesterday and they found no cavities (great, great, great). They put some paste on his teeth and cleaned them with a toothbrush. The cleaning seemed like a regular teeth cleaning to me. She explained they are looking mostly for bleeding of the gums when doing that. He's doing well. Luke still has 4 more teeth to go until his full set is complete. He took it pretty well at the doctor (he understands much more now and you can actually explain what will happen). I talked to him before the visit multiple times saying that the doctor will look at his teeth. He seemed to understand, because he started touching his teeth.

I'm back with worries back in my head. The nurse wrote today in the morning in reference to results saying that I need to go get an ultrasound to outrule a possible abnormal pregnancy. I feel like I am living in a rollercoaster world, there are strong feelings associated with pregnancy. I did decide I won't worry until Wednesday when I'll actually know what's going on. But it's draining, all this back and forth: you have miscarriage, you don't have miscarriage... The life is repetitive too and it makes me feel crazy sometimes. In some ways that's something to be grateful for, because I know what to expect from Luke and I know exactly when and what is going to happen throughout the day. But it's also annoying in other ways, especially because I think I am not achieving what I want and I just get the bare minimum done per day. A reason for that is still my exhaustion. I also have sciatica pain (that's what my physical therapist told me today). The good news is that I don't need to be sitting down, because it's not helpful. I need to learn to use my pelvic and core muscles more while walking. Luke has been especially irritable and frustrated today, he's had multiple episodes when he would cry for super small reasons. And sometimes it's BIG feelings. Of course, it's all relative. I think we have a rather calm boy compared to some

Yesterday's blood test showed I have over 16 thousand units of hCG. Which means the value is growing, so I think we are fine. I haven't got any comments from APRN (the nurse) so don't know for sure, but I think the trend is positive. Honestly, I am sick of being worried. Luke got some sort of disease and he's had fever since yesterday. There are no other symptoms but a small rash on inner part of his elbows and thighs. If this does not resolve within tomorrow I am definitely calling the doctor. He's actually doing fine mood-wise, which is surprising considering his fever. I myself am such a wreck. My shins and calves really hurt and it makes it hard and painful to walk. I do not enjoy going on walks anymore because I cannot and because it's just too painful. So one piece of my happiness has been basically taken away. To add insult to injury, that's my way of exercise (besides yoga) and now I just cannot do it anymore... Right now all I actually want is lay in bed for hours. Which is actually do a lot when I get to, when Luke is sleeping. Carl is back from his trip to Spokane and I am looking forward to napping in the mornings.

Thank you. It seems like everything's fine after all. For now. Thank you again for being so supportive.

So it looks like my hCG aren't that low after all. I tested yesterday at the lab and they are over 10k in value. It turns out the batch from amazon of pregnancy tests were defective. How crazy. It would have saved us some gray hair and worry if they weren't. But we are also overreacting because we've been through a miscarriage already. But how are things going is yet to be seen. I am going for another test tomorrow to see the trend. To be seen... again.

OK, so I may be having another miscarriage. To be known for sure on the weekend. That's when the results for the second hCG test should come in. The nurse will compare the results from today's test and Friday's test and see if the levels are growing. Honestly, it's strange I have no nausea and my hCG levels are indeed very low! I took a pregnancy test today and the line was super-super faint. Like almost more faint then pre-period when I took the test. I am disappointed. My husband is more so. He told me he actually cried the last time I had miscarriage. He never mentioned it before until today. He hasn't cried in like tens of years. To be seen...

Still no nausea. So strange. With my previous pregnancies I was heading towards that hole at this point where I don't feel like anything. Right now I cannot say I feel super great, but it's infinitely better than what's usual for me in this situation. Which makes me wonder if the pregnancy is going well. I've scheduled appointments with OB assistants and will see what they say about it. And I just got my hair highlighted last Thursday! It looks awesome, in my opinion. It kind of makes me look like a Scandinavian, with sort of blonde hair and blue eyes. (I'm actually a brunette.) Apparently I am 6 weeks and 3 days in.

That's very encouraging too. That's so lucky of you guys to have this precious relationship.

Thank you, you are so encouraging. Honestly I do not know if I am a great mom. I do definitely think that some women must enjoy it more than me, so it comes easier to them and it's also just better parenting, because they enjoy it more. But who knows, it's all my guesses. But thank you for your kind words! Oh yes - I know the dilemma of having children or living your life for yourself. I had to ponder on it myself. Each one is a worthwhile path. However, I have to say that I did grow quite a lot from having a child, not sure if I had have I not had my son.

So I am dog tired on a daily basis. And sleepy. Most of the day I feel like I want to go crush in bed. And I do spend quite some time in bed. And I have even no energy to read even though I really want. Most of the time I just close my eyes and lie down. I'm also irritable because of tiredness. But I really really hope the fate will spare me of nausea this time around. It isn't fun to be fatigured but nausea is 10X times worse. Seriously. I really hope I don't have to go through this. Luke has been irritable for the last week, it may be teething? It's hard when you cannot ask him what exactly is going on.

Thank you for reading my journal! I know! I am surprised myself I ever decided to have a second child. It was a horribly difficult time when my baby was small. But apparently people pass these periods and they forget how it was. I have to confess that it's mainly my husband who wants the second child. I am completely OK to go both ways. The doctors don't exactly know why I had a miscarriage. It's all guesses. Their guess is that the baby had some chromosomal disorder, but of course I didn't get tested for it, so we don't know. But that's the most common cause for it. You seem interested in being a parent. Do you have kids or planning to have kids?

Thank you for reading my journal! I know! I am surprised myself I ever decided to have a second child. It was a horribly difficult time when my baby was small. But apparently people pass these periods and they forget how it was. I have to confess that it's mainly my husband who wants the second child. I am completely OK to go both ways. The doctors don't exactly know why I had a miscarriage. It's all guesses. Their guess is that the baby had some chromosomal disorder, but of course I didn't get tested for it, so we don't know. But that's the most common cause for it. You seem interested in being a parent. Do you have kids or planning to have kids?

Guess what. I am pregnant again. And constantly worried I'll have another miscarriage too... I found out on March 22nd. Exactly 3 months ago I found I am pregnant too. But that time I lost the baby. I think I wrote about it above. Luke is super super cute. He's truly an angel. He gives us air kisses if you kiss him sometimes, or he just does it on his own sometimes. Sometimes I am too caught up in myself and I forget he's a person on his own. I just want him to do what I need/want. I also get angry and irritated at times, when tired and now probably because of pregnancy. He has stranger suspicion at parks and other places. I do not push him in any way. Let him figure it out on his own. I'll provide the environment but I won't do anything to push him. We decided with Carl that I'll start speaking mostly English to Luke, because now Luke mostly says words in Russian (or part of the words, for the most part). So he says he's missing out and doesn't get any of it. Well, it makes it easier for me.

Luke has turned 1.5 3 days ago. He also got sick on the same day so annoying, frustrating and gets me angry. He's not feeling good and behaves accordingly. I also got sick and it drives me nuts when he's crying... On the positive side he speaks some words! he said Aara yesterday! When I was pointing at the parrot picture we have in the bathroom. He's also super cute with his little dances and moves while eating and enjoying it. He also tries to tell me so many things. He loves running in front of me when we go on walks. He's so happy then.

I am thinking to start alternating days with heavier lift and lighter lift. The lighter ones will mean laying in bed and reading and writing rather than running around and fixing things. It's still cold and windy here. We may go to Portland at the end of the month. Planned for LA first, but considering the flight length and everything involved I'd rather skip it. Portland sounds a little more manageable. Maybe I am coward? I may start challenging myself in these regards. But then again I am so exhausted on daily basis that I don't know if more is always more.

Oh man, so exhausted. I am sick and also not used to spending so much time on my feet. I barely survived today's early morning shift with Luke. He went to bed for his nap at 11:20 and I crashed into bed too. I think I was doing too many things yesterday and overestimated my capabilities. Today will be a downtime day. Will do yoga now, will eat my lunch, solve some leetcode and let my Mom take Luke on a walk. Fortunately, it's sunny now. Still very cold though.

I did breathwork yesterday and had a strong release at one point. I felt like something's stuck in my chest and I released it through sobbing. It was hard to sob because my husband was downstairs and I wouldn't want him hearing it. I am sick with some sort of cold or flu, so not feeling great. Yet I slept relatively well last night because of the emotional release, probably? But I messed up my day by eating too much chocolate again (thought it wouldn't happen, but it was home made and apparently too strong for me). So I was all jittery in the evening and exhausted. I realize that when my husband cooks for me (burgers and chocolate today) I don't do so well with the food. But if I tell him that he won't like it and we have had fights for the last 2 days already Luke is super cute. And he understands much more now, so I'll attempt to teach him more on limits and discipline. He tries to flip on the carpet which is extremely cute. I guess it's something that children do when understand they can do it. It's super funny when he does the downward facing dog and looks underneath his body