ElenaO

Another tough day. I am still tired from the booster shot and missed day of sleep. Luke wouldn't take day naps and appears very unhappy. Cries a lo, sometimes histerically and wouldn't fall asleep. I am content with breastfeeding just at nights now, but I feel like the baby also wants the breast sometimes for comfort. I wish all of it would be more predictable. It's the uncertainty and fears and worry that make my life miserable. I know logically that this too shall pass but at this moment this doesn't help.

Me and my husband got booster shots yesterday and oh dear did it knock us out. We couldn't sleep almost the entire night and felt awful: fever, chills, join and muscle pain. Ibuprofen and tylenol the entire day to relieve all that. If I'd be working I'd take sick leave, but with the baby there's no such thing. Today was another hard day, sometimes it feels like I am going insane, especially when the baby wouldn't fall asleep. I also pulled a muscle while foam rolling and it added pain on top of everything. And I got engorgement last night too: doh, everything at the same time. I feel like this will never end: all this struggle and insanity. Luke is three months today. Three more months to go for breastfeeding. At least.

Interesting. I'll see if it every comes to me. I do know it would be way easier the second time around, because I was/am a complete noobie in this regard. I look back and realize how silly and naive I was for not taking classes, reading enough, watching enough about this. But sometimes you watch and hear, but don't listen. I am not thinking about baby number two right now. It's just that at the most dire moments it makes me wonder how did others get through this. Oh interesting. I don't think mine will be a small kid, cause he's growing in length like crazy, not in weight though. His father is VERY tall, while I am shorter than average. Ours is spitting up too, but I hear most of the babies do. I cut out dairy for a few days earlier and I have seen not enough evidence to say that it's causing it. Oh thank you for advice! I love it. I do SO hope that it gets that much easier!!

@mememe Thank you for taking the time to write and the recommendations. A lot of the products I use are natural and have been recommended by lactation consultants. So I don't think there's much to improve on this. In terms of day with the baby in bed, we anyway spent most of the day together, no interference with anyone. And we do have skin to skin contact, maybe not 100% of it. I can try to increase the contact though, maybe it'll help. I think the root issue is that the baby prefers the bottle, because he's smarter now and wants the easiest solution. And that messes up the latch. So it's a vicious cycle: my breast hurts and I try to avoid too much breastfeeding, but that means more bottle, and the bottle creates even more pain.

Interesting that you actually thought about it deeply. Meaning that you'll have to do the job mainly by yourself. I, of course, heard it but never really thought it would happen to me. Like really. How naive. Motherhood made me realize so many things and one of them is to actually listen and ponder if what people are saying is true. Perhaps it is since so many mention it. I think you have a super awesome mom. Not everyone is like that. I for sure resent certain things about my mom and judge her, more than ever now, in fact. Though she's a pretty good one! But fell short on a few things in my opinion. She's just a different person than I am, so I cannot expect the same, but it still annoys the crap out of me. I would say I have empathy generally for parents. Not for my mom so much, cause according to her everything was just wonderful. BS. She just forgot all about it. So did you decide not to have kids in the end? PS we resolved quite a lot of the issues with my husband by now. I do not resent him and actually value how he's helping now. But it took lots of work and arguments to get where we are.

Today was another hard day. There's so much uncertainty around so many things. I don't know if I am producing enough milk, I don't know if the baby's getting enough. I don't know if I am not providing him enough comfort throughout the day. I also feel like it's hopeless at times. It's the depression talking. When he cries it breaks my heart. I realize that I've put myself into such a vulnerable spot: how can I now live peacefully? I feel so much heartache when he's not happy and cries. Perhaps it's also because I am not feeling great myself: I did not get enough sleep, I feel tired, confused, desperate, sad. My baby is so vulnerable too and he depends fully on me. When I looked at him today all I could do was cry. I feel so bad for him when he's not happy...

@mandyjw thank you! I always wonder how did people decide to have a second one after having such a rough journey with the first? I don't think breastfeeding will get easier for me, unfortunately... It's still very painful and there's constant worry about losing milk supply. It's a mess and I am totally looking forward to when the baby won't depend on milk so much. Right now I feel a LOT of pressure because of it. Plus, our baby is a little underweight.

@Zigzag Idiot I had no idea it would be like that. Thank you very much for all supportive words. I appreciate it. I've been sleep deprived at some point but not for such long periods of time. I am pretty sure I have baby blues, because things are so uncertain, everything's scary, there's a newborn you are responsible for and you have no idea of how to do anything. It's a mess. And I don't understand how we are not given all the education beforehand. I took it too lightly, certainly.

Something's not right. The baby is fussier than usual and cries quite a lot. He's not himself. He also pretty much refuses to breastfeed. This is so hard... I feel bad for him and for myself. I wonder if it's thrush (I cannot see anything in the mouth) or something else. My strategy is to keep pumping as much as I can and go on walks so he could sleep.

I realize how much I have just accepted as true a lot of beliefs from my mom. Well, a good lesson for me remember in the future, also as a parent! In Russian there's a saying: trust but check (meaning the validity). Well, this came up now when I just assumed that everything my mother was saying about parenting, breastfeeding, babies was right. Wrong! It made me fear things needlessly. For example, the fact that breastfeeding will make your teeth go bad. Wrong! That we are just not meant in family to have high milk supply. Wrong! That parenting is wonderful and a piece of cake. Wrong! There are so many others. It makes me upset and angry with her! She believes these wholeheartedly but she's hurt me by brainwashing me with them. Well, gotta learn: trust but check!

Luke is more frustrated than usual today. He refuses the breast a lot of the times, it makes me worried. Is he all right? will we continue breastfeeding if this continues? At the same time my nipples are on fire! They are red, chafed and ready for a break. Breastfeeding has been a huge challenge! Not only is it painful, but there's a constant worry about the supply. And then there's this pressure from everywhere to continue to breastfeed. And the guilt.

Last night Luke slept long, which gave so much needed rest. He ate at 3:30A and at 6A. I could get him to fall asleep after the last feed at 6AM, which is lucky! Usually he wouldn't fall asleep after 6AM. Perhaps the dark curtains help after all. However, he got overtired after that and fell asleep next time only some time after noon. We were dealing with a lot of screaming and cries. I feel so bad for him when he's feeling like that. He's tired but wouldn't fall asleep. Raising a child is a tough tough job. Sometimes I feel it's amongst the hardest. I read Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins and it sometimes reminds me that it's somewhat similar in terms of hardships. You gotta have that cookie jar to survive. It trains patience first and foremost. As well as emotional strength. I always wonder how did others decide to have a second child? I feel bad saying it, but a lot of the times I have a thought of never having a second one. It's just too much. Perhaps people forget this, even though I don't think I'll ever forget how bad it can get. But who knows... Luke is very cute now. I feel guilty of saying the above.

Having a child has made me realize so many things. It's the roughest time I'd ever had in my life. It thought me how hard can life get and it makes me appreciate small things more. Just a walk around the block was a gift just a month ago. In certain ways it would have been better to have a child earlier, because it would have thought me to be more hard working and take more responsibility. Today I just accepted that things aren't going to be as I want them and I decided to be kinder to myself. I decided not to judge myself for doing less tummy time with Luke, walk less, have more chocolate and generally just enjoy a few things, like reading people's blogs on livejournal. I'll have my mom come over every other day or less as I don't have a perfect relationship with her. She drives me crazy and even when I try to stay conscious of it, it's so hard! It's just so complicated in many regards: she has limited beliefs, and that triggers me, she has a say in things I am sure I know better, that triggers me too. I also know that I help her much more than she does me, and I'd rather have her take care of her things rather than helping me. But that's just not going to happen.

I had a rough night. Luke is making noises at night, and since I am a light sleeper it affects me. I woke up, fed Luke and waited for my mom to come over to help. She went on a walk with him, while I was supposed to rest. I couldn't sleep. I got up after an hour or so and went to shower. There I felt like everything just isn't going the right way: I am exhausted but cannot sleep, my milk supply keeps going up and down no matter what, Luke isn't gaining enough, my nipples are chafed and hurt, and to add to all that I am gaining weight. Doh, where's the promised weight loss while breastfeeding?! Nope, not happening. I'd have wanted to stay at the weight I was after birth, instead I've gained instead of losing. Part of it is that I am so tired every day and that makes me hungry and makes me crave things. In addition, breastfeeding generally makes you hungrier. I probably consume over 2k kcal every day. Plus, we have fights and disagreements with my husbands. Thankfully, we resolve them, but things are far from perfect.

Today was a good day. Well, it's not over. The baby was smiley and happy for the most part, for the exception of the episodes when he got overtired for a couple of times. We went for a weigh in at the pediatric clinic. The weight is at 11 pounds 9 ounces, which isn't great, but not a dire situation. They said babies should gain one to two ounces a day. I discussed the au pair possibility with my husband and he's against it. He doesn't want anyone living with us. He also mentioned that I can go back to work whenever I want to. If course I can, but no one is going to care for Luke as well as I do, pretty sure. Not to say that I am great though, considering I am feeling down quite a bit. There's still a piece of me that resents the whole unfair game of men versus women work with raising a child. He gets to work a few hours and then he's free for the most part. I have a job nonstop which is highly emotionally and physically draining. He just left to see a friend. How many friends have I seen? None. Except for a couple which came over for an hour and that wasn't even my desire. I don't have time to stretch or wash my hair, what friend visits are we talking about. He's bought a board game, meaning for us to play it. He clearly does not understand how busy I am. I resent men for having it so easy in this regard...

Today was hard. Woke up at midnight to pump extra milk for the baby, at three am to feed the baby, at six again to feed and then Luke wouldn't fall asleep. I don't remember ever going to sleep at 8PM and being happy about it. Most days aren't anymore as tough though. The beginning was toughest and I had literally just fog, hoping for the day to end soon. It's still like that often.

@lxlichael you mean for babies? I like the The happiest baby on the block, it has some useful advice.

Thank you @Raptorsin7 Yeah, it's been a journey so far.

Throughout the childhood we've seen so many people to learn about babies. So far we've talked to a doula, a sleep pediatrician, been to multiple pediatric appointments, I have seen lactation consultant twice at home, twice at the Lytle center, once over zoom, once over the phone from la leche league. We've also had the tongue tie released for Luke and saw a bodywork specialist Ceci later.

I realize that I haven't practiced standing up for myself enough. Now I reached the point that I experience a lot of pain because of it. Or I just became more conscious of it. My main trouble is speaking up when there are passing dogs, whose owners let them sniff me, approach me. I have previous trauma because of dogs. Most people here in US are in love with them, so this makes me even more hesitant to speak up if their freaking dogs approach me. I have tried to assert myself previously and have had good and bad experiences. However, right now I am at the point, where this is just too painful. And I try to avoid any situations with dogs. And it makes me resent all these people, their dogs and in fact most of the strangers on the streets. I think it's partly paralysis by analysis, because I've talked to so many couches about this. Yet this hasn't been solved.

You don't understand: I am sick of being harassed by dogs. It's not even the dogs, it's more the people who own the dogs that bother me. I haven't ever been bitten. I was harassed by dogs and most importantly indirectly by people who own them who didn't care to acknowledge that they are hurting someone. I have thought of saying no when the dog approaches. It's also not easy. But it's more doable than trying to explain to the owner beforehand about it. "Finally, I think that if you know someone who has a dog it could be a great idea to spend time with this person and the dog to help sort your traumas. Dogs aren't bad, yet they can get afraid (just like you) and hurt." That's not a solution. I don't want to become friends with dogs. Not everyone needs to love/like them. I don't want to force myself to like them. It's violence against me. I am not saying dogs are bad. What I am saying is that their owners are unconscious and aren't taking care of protecting others from their harassment. And I am not saying of all the owners. A lot of them are considerate and keep the dogs close to their bodies. So the bottom line: the problem is not so much in the dogs, the problem is in relationships with their owners/strangers on the streets I meet.

Nope. Not a solution.

Are you planning on having a family? Why/why not? Do you want to have kids?

The title of the journal reflects exactly how I've been feeling for over two years now. An existential crisis, no joke. I know that if my life would suddenly become challenging I would immediately get out of this rut. And sooner or later I will. It's a fact. I don't know if others have this same issue or it's just me. I cannot concentrate when there are a lot of people around walking / minding their business. I am talking about my colleagues. The thing that bothers me is that I cannot commit on talking / interacting with them, because I have to work. Besides, I have an issue communicating with them since it's not my mother tongue (a childhood trauma that makes me much more shy than I usually am). It feels like they are stealing my energy and my attention. And then I cannot focus on my work. It's so frustrating. I've talked to my boss and asked about the possibility of working remotely. He said that's impossible. Even though there are a couple of colleagues who do this. Screw that. Such a fair workplace. I will have another meeting with him tomorrow to put an end to my sufferings. Until then, peace!

Oooh, it's been so long since I posted here. A lot of things happened since then. I moved in with my boyfriend, who is now my fiance. But the biggest change and surprise of this year so far is that I am pregnant. I had no idea this could happen so easily, I thought it would be a long journey. What did I know. However, all is not easy. Now that I am 8 weeks in, I feel horrible. In fact, I felt horrible starting week 5. I am constantly nauseous, often tired to exhaustion, and even depressed. Who would have known. That was the least of my expectations. I thought it's hard to have a baby, but not while the baby is in you. It proves to be a hard process for which I wasn't prepared. Not sure I can be prepared. Sometimes it feels so bad, that I just want to die. And just a month before I was so motivated and excited about everything. This makes me realize that I am far from being able to embody all the practices I learned during my meditation. I can some, but often I am just depressed and don't want anything. What surprises me most is that no one talks about this hard path some women have to take. The problem is there is no way to tame this nausea. You just have to suffer. So much for the "most wonderful time of your life", that I hear from so many people when they talk about pregnancy. I call it BS.