Never_give_up

I am 5'6 feet, I have been discriminated by a ton of people cause of my height, including authority figures repeatedly, I have been beaten and humiliated in school by sociopaths/sadists for years, I have been beaten at home for breathing repeatedly, I have very low IQ (I was good only in informatics that I had a talent, I tried 2 times to pass exams for a university and failed no matter how hard I tried), I have been diagnosed with autism and it could be the case that the diagnosis was right, people just don't like you at 5'6 and treat you badly, especially when you are asocial and this is your experience plently of the time in your life. Last 5 years I have ADHD(self diagnosed) and addictions cause of this life that have made me completely unnatractive and simply a loser. Now you tell me why I think black pill is real. Could it be because it's true? Nah, it couldn't be that. It couldn't be the case that I was discriminated cause of height, it must be my imagination, discrimination isn't real and if it is , it couldn't be so bad. Right? Blackpillers have extremely negative views, and society extremely positive views, but I see more hypocricy in the normie worldview. Existentially you could say it's all determinism, bad karma. The truth is that I have good analytical skills and existential curiosity. In the rest of the traits, I am cursed. Half the problem is people don't like me for being short, another half is my low IQ neuro divergent problem. It's just a tragedy haha. I have gone to clubs, I tried to be social. It works, but you have to do a ton of stuff to get low results. No thanks.

I can't find psychedelics, and I have real problems with doing something I don't like , like meditation(it's literally impossible for me to do something that isn't interesting to my brain). I can do contemplation but lately it doesn't lead me anywhere, it just wears me down. Should I quit and no longer suffer from my desire to understand things better or there are other ways?

Is any country that I can do that psychedelic in a legal way and easy way to find them? How much does it cost? Will this psychedelic show the quintessence of reality (the highest knowledge)? Can you describe your experiences with this psychedelic and what you learned?

I think I will die a virgin. I am sure to be honest. I have zero personality, zero humour, I am 5'6, I am not intelligent. I workout a lot because when I was fit I got a lot of attention from women many many years ago, but I don't know if it will be the same if I achieve fitness levels again. I have way much more muscle than before and women don't like too much muscle. How do you people or people you know cope? how to cope? how to live without regret and pain from the primal desire that can't be fufilled? What would you do or do in my position?

I am scared of death. I believe in Oneness, and eternal reincarnation. I didn't have any awakening or experience of it but since I heard Leo talking about it I feel it that it's more accurate than conventional atheist or theist popular beliefs. Here is the problem. I am so attached to this life that I don't want to go to the next. I love this life, I love not being old, I love my parents (although I have huge problems with them as I have told before), I love my health. Some months ago I felt dizzy and thought I was going to die (it was probably just a panic attack), and I thought how much I don't want to leave this life.I had years to feel that scared, I was extremely scared. Please don't take this question lightly, I feel extreme feelings of sadness when I think that I will leave this life. Or that I will suffer in my life, like we all do from time to time. I feel I am not enjoying this life as much as I want and still I love this life so much, and I also would hate to lose everything I have. What should I do? Even if I live this life to the fullest, it will never be enough when it stops. Paradoxically, I feel like I want to stop living cause I feel scared that i will stop living, which is suffering. I am so scared of death and suffering. What should I do? What would you do or actually do yourself? Any advice?

@Salvijusthank you for the copium. So I should think that most people don't get real love anyway, and it's the norm?

@Sugarcoatand how do you cope? do you find yourself feeling sad sometimes? what you think the solution is not to feel bad?

@Razethat's a lot of suggestions, thank you @LordFall I am bad at it cause of low intelligence, I am socially inept no matter how much experience I get , so I don't approach. @Princess Arabia @Peo @Yimpa Never give up what? trying to find a girlfriend or not give up living my life , fighting to live my life, not caring about getting a girlfriend, and being more positive, which one of those 2 you mean?

I feel like I have a lot of feminine traits that are unnatractive to women to a very big extent and not many masculine traits . How do I become more masculine? My parents never taught me anything about masculinity, I didn't even know masculinity and femininity was a thing, I only now start to learn about it. examples: I am not a leader (hate leading), i am shy (that's the worse thing ever for a man), my looks are just bad (too short), no humour, I don't have enough courage unless someone wants to fight me (i always defend myself), i feel amazing if a woman gives me attention (that's too feminine) and the list goes on and on. I really need to work a lot to change but I don't know how and what to change.

This question has confused me a lot lately. Please don't ignore this question, it may seem it hasn't any validity but I from my POV it's very clear they have and maybe you feel the same. So for example, why I see pink right now and not any other colour (qualia)? Why I live this moment out of infinite others I could live? there must be a hierarchy of moments that will appear, why this one and not any other ? (what's the ''algorithm'' of the appearance of moments and why they are like that?) If every colour is the same (although different in a way) , why would God choose this one instead of a different one? what make this colour so special? There are finite number of colours, why they construct themselves in a certain way, being ''chosen'' when any other colour could be there? To make matters even worse, what if there are infinite amount of qualia of colours that could potentially exist, what would be the mechanism that would choose a specific colour instead of any other different colour? To make things even worse, why there is an assymetry in what I see on the right side and the left side of my visual perception? Why I couldn't see things in the right side that are in the left and vice versa (assymetrical or symetrical doesn't matter)? How could consciousness pick one and favour it when it could achieve the ''same'' experience from the opposite side? Could it be that determinism is an illusion and God is picking something while it could have picked something different? I hate free will , I dread it, but it seems to me that there is no other way for this to happen other than God having free will (randomness). It's like consciousness picks qualia instead of others with the same qualities for no reason. Another thing that has no reason behind it, it's an illogical thing, a paradox. Paradoxes are everywhere. What do you think about all these? Have you ever thought of these things before? Do you have other things that seem to have no reason yourself? Most importantly, how can this be the case with qualia being picked instead of infinite others when they have nothing special more than any other colour? Of course I am talking about colours, but going meta the bigger picture is not about colours, it's about everything, every qualia, every experience.

@Sugarcoatbut it doesn't make sense from something to happen if it hasn't a mechanism (and yet it happens?). I don't know why it's so important to me, but since I was a kid 5-6 years of age, I was intrigued by reality and something in me always told me that knowing reality is the highest thing that a being can do. I will contemplate a little more and if I don't find answers I will stop, cause health is priority and not finding answers make me feel really bad. @Leo Guraso I think it's better if I stop trying to understand everything and just experience this Mystery, this life, cause that's the point of life. @UnbornTaoI contemplate so much it became unhealthy and thus these questions. I think I will stop being so obssesed with these questions and concentrate on other things in life. I will do some more contemplation though, just in case I find something and if it is too much for me I will stop.

@SugarcoatI understand what you are saying and indeed it could be random and not deterministic but then how could there be any mechanism that makes an experience random? Determinism make sense, something was meant to happen this way. But randomness can't have any mechanism, cause why would an experience or whatever qualia be chosen instead of any other? It's like, the more we try to answer these questions then more questions appear and even worse, they have no answers. Everytime I try to answer these questions confusion is the only state I get, it makes me want to quit inquiry

@Sugarcoatthat's so true but then the question becomes , how a mechanism is even possible like that? take programming algorithms for example. They literally wouldn't be able to function if the human programer weren't biased towards a choice. Even when programming seems like it shows a random choice, it actually doesn't, it just picked the specific number from the clock and make it appear as it was random. So yes, you are absolitely right, if everything appeared at once, well how could infinite things appear at once? they couldn't. But that doesn't solve the mystery of how could then God has a choice to pick anything instead of any other thing. It's a total mystery, a totaly can't happen thing that actually happens. I am so confused

edit: imagine you were God, and you had to pick between blue, pink , and green. Why would you choose any of these instead of any other? God has no prefrences, and if it has, then what would be the mechanism to choose one instead of another? if you think about it there is no single mechanism that can choose one if they are all the same.

or you are satisfied with what you know? Do you know it ''all''? What's left for you to find? Is there any question that occupies your mind? Do you think you will find the answers to your deepest metaphysical questions or you gave up trying to find an answer? If you have questions that you can't find answers metaphysicaly, what would be those questions?

@Someone herebut if the biggest questions don't have an answer this is so cruel. I really want to know the answers since I was a kid and realising little by little that I will never know it's just super depressing.

They say in general women are more neurotic(anxiety and depression) than men. I don't know if this helps, but it's the only thing that comes to my mind that men have it better (and it's a big one in my opinion but still I don't know what's better , to be a man or a woman? I think a woman but I hope I am wrong) Personally I have a big life purpose for myself so I distract myself from the suffering of being not only a male but an unattractive male but sadly I've realized that 99% of people don't have a life purpose or the priviledge to be able to chase that purpose if they have one. There are some men that have it better than women and some women that have it worse than men, but I kind agree, maybe it's better if war happens and I get deleted there in heroic deeds or something, or live till 25 like you said and had a full life, but I think it's even worse than you describe it. Not all people were loved or reproduced 10 thousand years ago, maybe I am wrong, but what I have heard is that at 8 thousand years ago only 1 out of 17 males reproduced cause he had all the resources and all the other people were basically slaves. Maybe it's my depression talking I don't know. Another thing I hate for being a man is how we are manipulated to doing everything someone wants us to. You don't fight someone they want you to? you are a coward that will be punished. You have self perservation instincts and selfish desires? you are not a real man and you will be punished by others for that. You don't chase power? you are a loser and you will be bullied. Also I have heard that women have a lot of anxiety when they look after their children. Maybe we have it better? By the way, don't forget the good things men have. We are more passionate about reality and how it works or how things work, we have a body that when exercised is so beautiful to look at, we love logic and learning about the world, we are better at physical activities, I would say in general we have more depth. Don't forget these beautiful things that women don't get to enjoy. On the other hand we get deleted at wars, got no help from others that much, don't get attention, get humiliated, never prioritised and women are more creative (i think), get help, prioritised, have better vocabulary hard wired in them, more mirror neurons i have heard. I don't know man. Maybe you are right, maybe women have it better, but maybe we have it better if you look my last paragraph on the things we men have in general , that women don't have in general.

I try to understand paradoxes and reality so much that my mind starts to hurt. I have gone to a point that I start to feeling sad , I feel like I am diving in darkness metaphorically speaking. It has become an unhealthy obssesion. I can't stop it, I was born a deeply curious person. Whenever I tried to stop for some years I always felt something missing and went back to philosophy to understand it. When I don't try to understand reality I feel something is missing, whenever I try to understand reality I see only paradoxes and I am getting angry and sad. I hate paradox, why does it even exist? Meditation in order not to think of any question doesn't help me, it just makes the thoughts go away for some time and then I just feel bad that I don't understand reality. I plan to do psychedelics in the future but I can't do them all the time, only when I will travel abroad which I will do in 1 or 2 years but the problem is that even people that do psychedelics say things like ''reality is a paradox'' or ''this or that thing is a paradox''. How can paradox exist I don't get it? I am really angry at paradoxes. How can some things have no answers? How can reality defy logic? I want to understand why some things are illogical, paradoxical, how reality exists. But when I try to contemplate my mind gets hurt, my psychology goes down. When I try to search it online (cause I have never found anyone that cares in real life), I find nothing. I am like a rat in a wheel. I try to find something that seems like it doesn't exist and then I try to find why something that exists has no reason to exist. I can't be the only one that feels like that. I am so dissapointed. If I stop searching I feel bad, If I search I feel bad. It makes me crazy I hate it. My purpose in life is to understand reality. This is not a game to me, this is what I live for. It's a game only in the sense that it's extremely exciting (it was at least till paradoxes and dead ends had to appear). I don't care that society doesn't care about reality. I personally, individualy do with all my heart. If I don't understand reality I feel like nothing else matters that much. Have you ever felt like that? How can I feel better cause I need to relax a little? Have you ever solve paradoxes?

Can someone be great at mathematics for example but very bad at visualization or can't manage to create a simple joke? How can I be great at some things that require intelligence and extremely bad at other things that require intelligence? Is this how it supposed to work? Am I low IQ or not? How to make sense of it? (I don't want to give examples cause it will make it too long to read.) Do you have examples from your own life that you seem not to be that intelligent but other examples that you seem to be extremely intelligent? if yes , how do you make sense of it?

I thought I understood all of reality thousand times before, and although I was wrong every single time, I felt a sense of accomplishment, zero confusion, and I felt everything made sense, and for 10 seconds I felt awesome but after that it became mundane. Even if I understood reality correctly , I think the result would be the same feelings. So I wonder , is it worth to try to understand reality, probably for 40+ years, just to have a tiny chance to understand it, only to feel great for 10 seconds? or if you understand reality correctly the benefits are more? Does anything extraordinary happen after you understand all reality? Do you feel awesome every time you remember how everything happens? I just remembered Leo has a video ''how awakening feels like'' which I am going to see right now, but in case it doesn't answer my question, I wanted to make this question here.

I had thoughts of determinism since I was 13, but a decade later I decided to search it on youtube. I found Leo talking about it and understood that I am not crazy and I am not the only person that is deeply curious about reality (cause most people don't care at all about reality). That made me watch other videos of his. I definitely didn't know that my life will change forever after that, mostly in very good ways.

like in art for example, should someone that can't draw from imagination practice for years, or it's futile and he will never do it? or like Jordan Peterson says, only 2% of people are creative and the rest should not even try?

Reality seems like a paradox, so how can you be so sure that you are not wrong about determinism? Personally I think determinism is true and I like it that way, free will (randomness) seems very scary to me, but sometimes I wonder, if reality seems so paradoxical and illogical , how can I be so sure that determinism follows logic then? maybe reality is so illogical that it is random and not deterministic. I am so confused. (This question is mostly for Leo, but if anyone else wants to answer, you are more than welcome to answer)

I (30 male) want to escape my abusers. I am thinking of going to another country that is in the EU like I am in a country in the EU. Here is the problem, when I went my abusers to the district attorney 5 years ago, the district attorney just didn't care of the abuse, said to me ''you have to learn respect'' and put me in psych ward(after talking secretively with my abusers). My country is so backwards so generally you can't be a victim if you are an adult child. So I am thinking of going to France, I am from Greece, I just started to learn the language. But I am scared they will trace me with the help of authorities (if authorities didn't help back then but further abused me, why they won't do it again?) . They will find where I live and start abusing me and stalking me and screaming and hiting me again as they always do. Why I haven't left all those years? because I was scared that they are going to destroy me. I am still scared but I won't live this miserable life any longer even if they succeed destroying me. I am on welfare for psychological anxienty (that was caused by my abusers) but in 1,5 years it stops and I won't be given welfare any longer cause I no longer have anxienty (although I have anger living with my abusers). How do I know that they won't use this against me? ''he was on welfare so he can't take care of himself he is danger to himself, put him in ward'' or ''he has asperger put him in ward'' (they diagnosed me with asperger I doubt I have it but maybe I do) or ''he was in hospital in the past, that means he is unstable'' (although the authorities, my abusers(that poisoned cats among other things), and the psychiatrists were the unstable ones, I remember the main psychiatrist in particular that told me ''we all beat our children, it's normal'' ). How do I know it won't happen also in France? How do I fight this? Will I be able to do it or I am stuck to live this hell in this lifetime? I think going to France will be my freedom but that doesn't mean they won't actually trace me. Anyway, any thoughts? Also any site I can write this for additional help and venting?

They made me feel amazing, but I can't find anything close to it ever since.