Cheese

This made me laugh when I saw this the first time. Now I laugh even more when it's related with Enlighment jokes.

Note to self: I have to remember that when I reflect on this day that passed, I want to reflect on my thoughts during the day and especially my feelings. Not about how many bowel movements I had, what I ate or how the weather was. At rehab I remember one guy reflected on his days shortly saying "today was a good day" with occasionally mentioning back pain. He left the rehab after 3 weeks, at home he fell on the floor while showering, drunk. He was at the hospital for a week. Another older fellow always said that yesterday was history tomorrow is mystery and there is only the present. I admired his wisdom. One day he appeared at rehab after a doctors appointment, he said that he walked down the street, he forgot about the past, didn't bother about the future, only though about the present while he entered a liquor store and bought whiskey, he came back drunk to rehab and made a mess. Police escorted him away later. I know that I have more in common with these people than I want to acknowledge, and should not focus on others peoples misstakes. The people reflect alot of my illness. I do have selfishness, anger, jelousy, stubborness, stupidity etc. however blind i may be about these qualities of my persona, i need to be aware of them and reduce them. Then only I can stay sober, a relapse is statistical likelihood. 2 in 25 people recover after rehab or less, my grandiosity thinks I am one of the 2, I am not buying it, that is why I eagerly continue with my recovery. Have to be cautious but still able live my own life.

Todays reflection: When i wrote the plan for my post-rehabilitation at rehab, i mentioned going back to the meditation group, but only for a few months. This meditation group is are made by original desciples of Sri Chimnoy. I came to the group with the intention on only practising meditation, for the social gathering and talk about spiritual topics, in my surprise, i was dissatisfied with all of my intentions in the eend. The meditation they teach is having ones eyes half open and focusing on a picture on Sri Chimnoys face. It felt like the group was brainwashed and unflexible, mostly focusing on Sri Chimnoys teachings. The leader is very driven to recruit more followers on this path and have Sri Chimnoy as their guru. There is many perspectives i probably missed on this, the teachings itself are spiritual in the core, the group seems positive and it is good to talk/hear other people who know about spirituality. But the cons outweigh the pros, i cannot unsee the cult structure inside it, that is why i stay for a few months in the beginning of my sobrerity, not staying permanently and having Sri Chimnoy as my guru. That is what i fear most, having a person i do not like as a guru. I do not want to associate with this group, only asking for help on my path, i will probably find a teacher elsewhere. The problem is saying no to having Sri Chimnoy as my teacher, i have other things to do on my mind, but the leader is very driven, the entusiasm of the person blinds me on revealing my true intentions and feelings. I feel like i need to talk about this with the leader, that would be better for everyone, not isolated in myself with my thoughts. Then I do not know if this is even is the right choice, would declining mean that I would be taking a relapse and my life would be miserable again. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. (ps. I know that there is nothing outside of God including myself)

Today's self reflection: Damn, today i had the worst craving yet. The emotions felt so horrible, they felt dark and rotten, i supressed them long time ago and kept supressing them with drugs/alkohol. Now it is like a large fermented ball inside me which i cannot make sense of. The thought was to use again but my reaction was to do something else like walking, listening to someone and focusing on my work (that i öearned in rehab). Fortunately it passed. Now i know how important the 12 step program is for my recovery. I started writting today, not postponing it anymore. It is difficult, lots of introspection and honesty is needed. I thought i knew much about how my illness works but i was wrong. After a few questions i understood how deep it goes. It is good that i have a sponsor which i can reveal my secrets and leave the skeletons in my closet. I know by experience that this program works and i am fortunate to speak with someone who knows about this sickness. I am going to focus on doing these NA questions for now. I will on thursday present some of them to my sponsor. This 12 step proccess will take a long time but it is worth it, for becoming sober is worth it.

@Schizophonia Had Alchohol most of my life. What took me down really fast is when i start taking opiates (mostly codeine + oxy). Then benzos, fortunately i did not take benzos long enough to experience abstinence before i went to rehab. The opiate withdrawal was real hell, had to ask for help and i was in denial of that problem, only blamed alchohol for everything. I guess i get addicted to anything that is emotionaly numbing, even watching tv-shows many hours in a row.

I worked with autistic people. People that were able to have an apartment but needed some help few hours a day. I loved it, their life was so simple, no much worries or larger problems. However, when they faced difficulty like: manipulation from others, losing weight or quitting alchohol use. They faced that difficulty with 10 times the severity than what a normal person would go through. Then it was easy and fast for some to find a partner, they do not have much expectation from their partner like we have.

Today's self reflection: At rehab they reminded me to give myself a pat on the back when I done something good for myself. I didn't recognize its importance at the time and self-praise wasn't anything I ever done either. I found out that I have need for approval from others and when someone criticize me I would think of it for many days. I am tired to be overly good to others and even more tired to have criticism stay with me for so long. I got then an insight that I could give myself the praise I need, for the things I do truly value. Like praise myself for enjoying nature's beauty. At that moment I felt the pain being touched with the smoothness of self-love. The pain didn't disappear but reduced a little. Many times I drank this pain away or used painkillers. I used to do much for others but never got any appreciation back. So now I got myself to appreciate for the good I do, I do not need to rely on others or use toxic substances to numb it down. I hope this practice of self-love stays with me and becomes a spontaneous throughout life.

@LittoDitto Yo, thanks for the response! I was on several times on therapy during my life but it didnt help. The problem was that i was not open and vulnerable to talk about difficult issues with a therapist. It took me 2 years to acknowledge that I had suicidal thoughts and as fearful as i was, I could only tell that to my therapist when I was high on opiate painkillers. It was difficult and alot of emotional pain due to trauma. So I understand to some degree how it must feel for you.

Todays reminder: i am doing this recovery for MYSELF. It is important that I do not do this for others in mind. Not for my relatives, my workplace/boss, for my sponsor/meeting center, for society, for my meditation group to but just for myself. Not to gain respect from work, get attention or praise from anyone, be accepted by a group or feeling good that I do my duty but only for the wellbeing of myself. I have done this misstake in trying to stay sober for anyone else's sake but my own. I have even heard other addicts quitting for the sake of other people besides themselves and failing on their journey, apparently it is a common misstake so I am not alone.

@Sugarcoat that feedback got me cheesed

I regret eating to much cheese. So I literally became what I ate.

What is stopping you from asking for help? Isolation is just going to prolong your recovery. You mentioned suicidal thoughts on a previous topic, have they vanished? Good that you are making progress, keep persisting at helping/healing yourself.

At that age i had a quarter of life crisis. Had to go through it to mature and be an adult, schools over and the parties likewise. Had to feel the regrets of things that i did not accomplish, accept it and move on to adulthood.

Nice! My proccess of thinking : 1.God created beings and objects. 2.Beings and objects are emanated from spirit. 3.Beings and objects are aspects of the absolute reality itself. I am probably still stuck in the spirituality bottle, i do not know much of this couscioussness thinking, but fun to be creative.

I had a fear of hell a long time ago. I learned things that changed my belief and thus my fear. I was open to the Bible has been subjected to wrongful interpretation and mistranslation. The idea of hell is actually living on earth as a human, we are practically in hell now. Only here we can be burned, tortured and experience famine etc. As we are in a human body, we can experience all the pain possible described in this "hell". As we die, we are not material anymore, we are the opposite, a soul. A soul cannot be burned, tortured and be effected by famine. As material phenomenon cannot have an effect on the soul, cause its non-material. This is how the idea of hell was misinterpreted imow. Not only do I not fear hell anymore, I do not believe it even exists.

ACT (Acceptance and commitment therapy) can help. It helps you stay focused on the present moment and accept thoughts and feelings without judgment. Example: Sometimes when i have a specific person in my mind inwhich i react negatively, i do The Work excercise by Byron Katie called "judge your neibhour" worksheet: https://thework.com/instruction-the-work-byron-katie/