Recovering from addiction

[Cheese]

Hi, 

I am a guy in my thirties and a recovering addict. 2 weeks ago I have done rehabilitation of 6 weeks + 1 week in closed ward.

I do not identify myself as an addict, i have much in life to enjoy for me to limit myself with such identity. However I am not in denial of my emotional illness, inwhich I have to aware about it daily for the rest of my life. As my illness is lifelong and can be fatal if i take a relapse, I am thus serious in my recovery. I was a polysubstance user to cope with my pain, other emotions and workaholicism. I did also take substances to make me feel "happy" but later on the kicks gradually disappeared and used in order to be normal and avoid abstinence. I will probably use this journal to write as honestly I can during my recovery. Have learned a bit during my rehabilitation and now it is time to put things into practice.

[Cheese]

Todays reminder: i am doing this recovery for MYSELF. It is important that I do not do this for others in mind. Not for my relatives, my workplace/boss, for my sponsor/meeting center, for society, for my meditation group to but just for myself. Not to gain respect from work, get attention or praise from anyone, be accepted by a group or feeling good that I do my duty but only for the wellbeing of myself.

I have done this misstake in trying to stay sober for anyone else's sake but my own. I have even heard other addicts quitting for the sake of other people besides themselves and failing on their journey, apparently it is a common misstake so I am not alone.

[Cheese]

Today's self reflection:

At rehab they reminded me to give myself a pat on the back when I done something good for myself. I didn't recognize its importance at the time and self-praise wasn't anything I ever done either. I found out that I have need for approval from others and when someone criticize me I would think of it for many days. I am tired to be overly good to others and even more tired to have criticism stay with me for so long. I got then an insight that I could give myself the praise I need, for the things I do truly value. Like praise myself for enjoying nature's beauty. At that moment I felt the pain being touched with the smoothness of self-love. The pain didn't disappear but reduced a little. Many times I drank this pain away or used painkillers. I used to do much for others but never got any appreciation back. So now I got myself to appreciate for the good I do, I do not need to rely on others or use toxic substances to numb it down. I hope this practice of self-love stays with me and becomes a spontaneous throughout life.

[Schizophonia]

Which drug ? 🤔

[Cheese]

@Schizophonia Had Alchohol most of my life. What took me down really fast is when i start taking opiates (mostly codeine + oxy). Then benzos, fortunately i did not take benzos long enough to experience abstinence before i went to rehab. The opiate withdrawal was real hell, had to ask for help and i was in denial of that problem, only blamed alchohol for everything. I guess i get addicted to anything that is emotionaly numbing, even watching tv-shows many hours in a row.

[Cheese]

Today's self reflection:

Damn, today i had the worst craving yet. The emotions felt so horrible, they felt dark and rotten,  i supressed them long time ago and kept supressing them with drugs/alkohol. Now it is like a large fermented ball inside me which i cannot make sense of. The thought was to use again but my reaction was to do something else like walking, listening to someone and focusing on my work (that i öearned in rehab). Fortunately it passed.

Now i know how important the 12 step program is for my recovery. I started writting today, not postponing it anymore. It is difficult, lots of introspection and honesty is needed. I thought i knew much about how my illness works but i was wrong. After a few questions i understood how deep it goes.

It is good that i have a sponsor which i can reveal my secrets and leave the skeletons in my closet. I know by experience that this program works and i am fortunate to speak with someone who knows about this sickness.

I am going to focus on doing these NA questions for now. I will on thursday present some of them to my sponsor. This 12 step proccess will take a long time but it is worth it, for becoming sober is worth it.

[Cheese]

Todays reflection:

When i wrote the plan for my post-rehabilitation at rehab, i mentioned going back to the meditation group, but only for a few months.

This meditation group is are made by original desciples of Sri Chimnoy. I came to the group with the intention on only practising meditation, for the social gathering and talk about spiritual topics, in my surprise, i was dissatisfied with all of my intentions in the eend. The meditation they teach is having ones eyes half open and focusing on a picture on Sri Chimnoys face. It felt like the group was brainwashed and unflexible, mostly focusing on Sri Chimnoys teachings.

 

The leader is very driven to recruit more followers on this path and have Sri Chimnoy as their guru. There is many perspectives i probably missed on this, the teachings itself are spiritual in the core, the group seems positive and it is good to talk/hear other people who know about spirituality.

But the cons outweigh the pros, i cannot unsee the cult structure inside it, that is why i stay for a few months in the beginning of my sobrerity, not staying permanently and having Sri Chimnoy as my guru.

That is what i fear most, having a person i do not like as a guru. I do not want to associate with this group, only asking for help on my path, i will probably find a teacher elsewhere. The problem is saying no to having Sri Chimnoy as my teacher, i have other things to do on my mind, but the leader is very driven, the entusiasm of the person blinds me on revealing my true intentions and feelings.

I feel like i need to talk about this with the leader, that would be better for everyone, not isolated in myself with my thoughts.

Then I do not know if this is even is the right choice, would declining mean that I would be taking a relapse and my life would be miserable again.

 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. 

(ps. I know that there is nothing outside of God including myself)

[Cheese]

Note to self: 

I have to remember that when I reflect on this day that passed, I want to reflect on my thoughts during the day and especially my feelings.

Not about how many bowel movements I had, what I ate or how the weather was.

At rehab I remember one guy reflected on his days shortly saying "today was a good day" with occasionally mentioning back pain. He left the rehab after 3 weeks, at home he fell on the floor while showering, drunk. He was at the hospital for a week.

Another older fellow always said that yesterday was history  tomorrow is mystery and there is only the present. I admired his wisdom. One day he appeared at rehab after a doctors appointment, he said that he walked down the street, he forgot about the past, didn't bother about the future, only though about the present while he entered a liquor store and bought whiskey, he came back drunk to rehab and made a mess. Police escorted him away later.

I know that I have more in common with these people than I want to acknowledge, and should not focus on others peoples misstakes. The people reflect alot of my illness. I do have selfishness, anger, jelousy, stubborness, stupidity etc. however blind i may be about these qualities of my persona, i need to be aware of them and reduce them. Then only I can stay sober, a relapse is statistical likelihood. 2 in 25 people recover after rehab or less, my grandiosity thinks I am one of the 2, I am not buying it, that is why I eagerly continue with my recovery. Have to be cautious but still able live my own life.

[Cheese]

Note to self:

I need to stay away from spirituality and relationship for atleast 1-2 years. The reason is I feel that these topics bring up lots of havoc for my emotional well being. I want to focus on personal development and mental health for 1-2 years.

[Cheese]

Todays reflection:

Today i went through a few questions with my sponsor about the first step in the 12 step program.

After the meeting when I came home, I had an enourmous craving specifically in my stomach area. I grabbed something to eat, but the craving did not diminsh. I thought I was hungry or thirsty, neither did a thought appear on using alchohol/drugs. It was just pure, strong feeling of craving, not a craving for something, just the feeling.

During my meditations, I noticed I had what I could discribe as a concentrated darkness of energy/unconsciousness in the area of my liver. Whatever I did, diet, meditations or other healing methods, that darkness did not dissappear. It bothered me behind the scenes for many years.

Apperantly when I talked about cravings and addictive behavior with my sponsor, that dark area expanded all over my stomach, before it felt dark, dense and unknown, now it was identifiable, expanded and transformed into a feeling: pure craving. It was not pleasant to be with that emotion, i hoped it would vanish or be over, atleast I know now what that darkness/unconsciousness was about inside. I made it known, felt it and took another step toward healing.

[Cheese]

Todays reflection:

Today at an AA meeting i saw a person that was with me at rehab. 

I found out he took a relapse and went back again to rehab. 

That will be the 4th time he went to rehab in half a year.

 

I got angry at him because i got scared. I wish not to be in that situation, rather die then go back to rehab and do this all over again. The thought of me losing control and memories of the rehab came back. I got so distraught so I needed to talk with my mother about it, even though she didn't understand me. 

A rule of thumb at my rehab. If someone leaves rehab, takes a relapse and wants to get back to rehab again. Then the person has to wait until all the clients he was with at rehab leave, and start another rehab period with a new group. Something about the persons relapse is stirring up emotions amongst others, like in my case.

 

So today i will focus of thankfullness. Importance of positivity in recovery is underestimated on my part. I usually lean on making my posts as complaints. My sponsor and a guy from AA gave me this idea.

I am thankfull for having a job i can go to. 

Thankfull for a house i can live in. 

Thankfull for a car i can drive.

Thankfull for an education i finished.

Thankfull for places and people i can go to.

Thankfull for my pet birds that are with me. 

Thankfull for having food and water.

Edited April 15 by Cheese

[Cheese]

A good video. Alot said in the video i already knew, but it changes the perspective quitr good.

 

[Cheese]

Todays reflection:

Feel sick, tired and a bit angry. Have had cravings now for the last days. I feel like this program aint worth it and doesn't help. I haven't done anything of it latelely. Probably will write in the steps and go through with my sponsor. Now i generaly think about relationship security as stated in above video. Probably will buy her book and see if it is worth it. I am right now filled with so much of my own bullshit that i cannot think straight.