eskwire

Nobody is telling you to think about it this way. That is your interpretation of it, likely filtered through your own neuroses. I think about it that way from time to time, but then realize I don't have to. The insights, techniques, and motivation are here for me as I go through ups and downs, interest and disinterest. If you are feeling like a chicken with its head cut off, you are at an early stage of development, doing all of this from a negative place. Step back and regroup. Make sure you are growing from a place of joy. Good luck! And you were being pretty disrespectful to someone who has changed your life so much. Why are you so angry? Why does one perceived contradiction about should statements make you fly off the handle? You're not in Leo prison. Nobody is forcing anything on you and you obviously keep coming back here. Shit, it's free content you can stream anytime!

There it is. That's the help I needed. I've been letting people get a moral C- and passing their asses in my class. No more!

I am a consistently poor judge of character. Examples: Last 4 guys I dated spent some days in jail either while or right after we dated. Last serious bf lied a lot and I still try to piece together what may have been true or false. I give *a lot* to my boss and he lies often and uses people. I defended the cleaning lady where I work about her hours being legit. I watched security camera footage of her cleaning last night and she has been lying about her hours for more $. So... How do I develop a clearer, more accurate perception of people? How do you spot and avoid dishonest people? Why am I particularly prone to giving people the benefit of the doubt and believing their little stories and arguments? Is this sourced somewhere in my psychology? Please help! I feel like a naive little child walking around. I am not technically naive - I have seen things I cannot unsee - but my perception is off.

That's fair. Deceit is a skill for social success. And I often have a soft heart for the criminally inclined because they are fun. I wouldn't say they are nicer than anyone else, though, and that hypothetical 25% of the time they spend manipulating people is damaging. They are playing god, altering people's reality, using people, wasting people's time, shattering trust. I'm not innocent per se but there is a scale in the use of deceit to accomplish goals for one's personal benefit no?

@SFRL I've watched it multiple times and yes it makes perfect sense. This is why I didn't want my post moved into the Dating section. I have this problem with all kinds of people I meet, including other women or people at work. I suck at spotting deceit. I perhaps want so badly for others to be honest and noble that I make myself believe they are - and maybe that's just the problem right there and I answered my own question.

@SFRL I recall no admission of that through private message. If you actually admitted it, good for you. I'll review it. If you want to perceive this discussion as me trying to one up you and make lil jokes about monkeys, that's fine. My take on it is that you frustrate and irritate my sensibilities because you use people and teach others how to use people. I have no problem asking you questions about your mindset or confronting you.

@SFRL So, you are dissecting your brain and just tossing out the evolved stuff? Like it doesn't really exist? From our discussions, I long ago figured out you are addicted to sex. You can make large claims about that being our true nature, but what goes on for you is not so for everyone.

@SFRL That's fine and I agree that relationship dynamics change. I personally don't have rules about when I have sex with someone. I also don't personally have sex with someone just because he paid. I've slept with people who were completely broke and up front about that. I've also slept with people who paid at first and acted like chivalry was super important and blah blah blah only to find out that was all hot air - a lie. Nobody enjoys being lied to. For me, it's a matter of authentic relating. I thought you were trying to progress into Stage Green? Of course, I am not a desirable female in the mating world so my "authentic relating" take on it is probably useless to you and your beliefs/methods. It seems like you believe: Early dates should lead to sex for that test drive. / Paying for the date will lead to sex. So are you just asking people if paying for the date is necessary for sex or ? What knowledge are you seeking? Did any of these responses give it to you?

@SFRL I don't really understand what you are saying. Paying for the date is test driving or not paying for the date is test driving? Or is paying for the date so you can have sex the test drive? I can also give you a list of women who have tricked me, just not in a conversation about dating because I haven't gone on dates with women.

To me, it is obvious that means, "I don't want to talk to you anymore today." I wouldn't consider it "rude," as it is technically polite, but it does hurt my feelings because it seems like talking to me was just some chore they finished up with and didn't really want to do in the first place. I am a sensitive person, though.

I agree with what @Emerald said. I will add that you should pay for the first date only if that is who you will be on a regular basis in the future. Sometimes splitting, sometimes she pays, but you are able and happy to pay more than just once. Some dirtbag guys pay for everything, even insist on it, for a couple of dates as a trick. They get to play a gender role and convince the female they aren't broke or the type of man who actually desires to be "kept" by a female. Until the truth reveals itself very soon thereafter. Point is, don't pay if that's not who you are. I don't care to be tricked.

Just to clarify because this post was moved to the Dating subforum - this is a problem I have in all areas including business relationships where you have much less interaction with the people you are sizing up.

Who has proven it is the product of an ego-centered mind? Because there are chemicals involved? One thing you need to understand about enlightenment is that it is spoken about poorly. There are no correct ego-derived words for it. So, I can see why you would assume that a "realization" comes from a mind and the mind is necessarily egoic, but it is not a "realization" as generally understood. That's a bad word for it. They're all bad words. It is good you are attempting contemplation. Just be careful that you aren't jumping 5 steps ahead to unwarranted conclusions. Do you do self-inquiry and meditation? You need to experience this directly to understand.

@Damir Elezi Enlightenment can exist as a product of the mind/body phenomenon. I don't see a conflict there. A phenomenon can be caused by a chemical reaction and still exist, of course. The only conflict you see is with the phrase "beyond body and mind" - those are just words, chosen by people who perhaps aren't great with words. I wouldn't think of the body as a machine. It's incredibly complicated and takes care of itself.

@Jhonny Please don't randomly get a girl pregnant bahahaha. My goodness!!! But the advice to do something "extreme" is solid. Clearly, you don't have motivation to take baby steps or consistent action so throw yourself in the deep end of a pool and watch yourself make changes out of necessity. What might the deep end of the pool look like for you?

Yes and no. You aren't supposed to meditate trying to feel a certain kind of way while you are meditating. Trying to get in a "meditative state." So, in that sense, you aren't supposed to try to get somewhere. But it's perfectly fine to have a meditation practice for a reason: deal with anxiety, get enlightened someday, focus better at work, etc. So, yes, you do The Work by answering the questions without expectations, but if you are plagued by the same unhealthy thought patterns after repeated Work sessions, then why bother? You can do something else.

Seriously! Yeah gives whole new meaning to "getting it twisted"

@MsNobody Have you acted on those sex goals (threesome and a female) since then? Honestly, I recently had an orgy with my best friend and this awesome couple from Colombia we met on a road trip. It was healing! Like, really healing! Sexual healing! I recommend following up on those intuitions you had. ✨

Right, so you would have to meta apply The Work to thoughts about The Work. I just think The Work deals with the surface (thoughts) and there are other techniques, methods, etc. that deal with root problems (physical structure, subconscious), so if you find yourself struggling with the trap I mentioned, you may as well move on to something else. After applying The Work to a thought, it routinely came up again. And I found myself having to apply it to dozens of thoughts. It deals with symptoms (thoughts), so it's like having to take daily pills for multiple symptoms of a disease rather than fundamentally curing the disease.

@heisenburger and anyone else reading. I won't say not to do this because it was a part of the development work I have done - who knows how things would have gone for me without The Work. But...a warning: The Work has a trap of denial. You might start suppressing and denying your true feelings and perhaps add a layer of guilt to the whole thing. "I'm not supposed to feel angry about this. I already did The Work on it and see how this isn't true and I'm messing up rn." Just notice this if it happens to you and then let her process go. Move on to something else because that's dangerous territory. Very unhealthy. If not, great. Enjoy the freedom.

WOW WHAT AN EXPERIENCE. This report will have spoilers and I warn you now - many of the people there were grateful that they walked into the retreat with no expectations. I was also grateful to have no expectations. If you want to keep the air of mystery, don't read this. The Program: The 10 day free retreats put on by Dhamma centers are thoroughly organized and expertly executed with a gradual, methodical introduction to the technique. I was inspired and uplifted to see a non-profit create and spread something so effective and so selfless. Do not let the "retreat" part fool you. This is like meditation bootcamp. 100 hours starting early AF in the morning. The Technique: If you are like me, you have dabbled in many meditation techniques, particularly those outlined by Leo. This technique will remind you of meditations you've probably done - but you likely have not done it specifically this way, and especially not to this degree. If you are a "space cadet" type person (I am), you need to do this technique. It is rooted in concentration and observation. You need this style of meditation to balance yourself in life. If you were interested in Buddhism and read about "clinging and aversion" - and you got it intellectually - now you get it for real. It fucking hurts: and nobody who ever recommended this to me mentioned this. I don't know if people keep that aspect of it hush hush so as not to scare anyone off, but it fucking hurts. It hurts to sit on a meditation cushion with your back straight for such long hours. I was used to meditating on a couch. It also hurts due to the physical manifestation of changes in the psyche. I am not kidding. This shirt hurts. It is supposed to hurt at times and feel amazing at other times. That is an integral part of the technique teaching you to ride the waves of pain and pleasure in life with stoic equanimity. I am not sure I could have done this without going through the process of getting a black belt - I used to be a total crybaby. Most people stayed and finished the course. Most people can get through it, so don't let that scare you. You Dump the Garbage: This intensive introduction to the technique retrains your mind. You are ripping up the carpet and floorboards in your mind house to lay down something new - equanimity. You will be amazed by how much you forgive and forget in the first few days of this program. It has an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind effect. It was like destroying memories by destroying old mind patterns. If you ever wanted to cut out pieces of your brain that seem to keep fucking with you, this is the place to do it. As a person who holds onto the past with the jaws of life, this was a miracle for me, and I am eternally grateful. I was amazed by how much of a dirtbag asshole I was! Once my mind cleared up, I could see how much my mind was infected with lust, wrath, vanity, and power hunger. I was such an asshole and I had no idea. Wizards!: I am trying not to egoically cling to the newfound abilities I have from learning this skill. I can make electricity shoot through my body at will. I totally see how people can give themselves an orgasm with their minds. I did not try this while I was there out of respect for the rules, but I see how it can be done. Doing so much meditation, in the effective way they teach it, is incredibly powerful. My creativity returned - I had dozens of cool ideas for businesses, programs, Twitter accounts, etc. Of course, everyone's experience is different. Community: You are allowed to speak on the 10th day to reintroduce you to society and the other people there were wonderful. In my bunk area, we developed an amazing sense of camaraderie despite the days of silence. We had dreams about each other and got to know each other - feeling each other's energy and experiencing living with each other without any words getting in the way. In areas with many people who have completed these retreats, they offer "group sits" on a weekly basis. I am about to move to Seattle and am hopeful that I will connect with fellow meditators. Enlightenment: Toward the end, it is time to experience a "dissolve" into universal vibrations. I did experience this for a few seconds (I believe it was a few seconds, who knows). It was like an experience I had earlier this year of being alive with nothing in the way, which I took to be an enlightenment experience. I do think this technique can be used for enlightenment if done properly. Takeaways: I have been bouncing around in meditation and personal development for the past year or so. I had fallen into a deep despair after losing my egoic sense of direction to "help people" that had been motivating me in my life previously - to get a degree in a helping field, to help heal my family, to give and give and give of myself at work. I had been achieving goals and having major breakthroughs, but was also drinking heavily to self-medicate. I was in emotional and physical pain. During this retreat, my attachment to alcohol disappeared. I feel a sense of direction again by surrendering myself to this path and placing this practice above all else in importance. I forgave many people, I released shame. I realized what I want in a relationship. I feel focused and grounded. I feel grateful. I feel compassion for the suffering of others. I drove 11 hours to my retreat, so please don't let distance stop you - there are also rideshares. All I can ultimately say is that I recommend it. There was a 4 year gap between hearing about it and going. Maybe you won't go this year, but, never forget that you can. https://www.dhamma.org/en-US/locations/directory

@kieranperez PS My take on the 6 Pillars sentence stems is that they help your self-esteem by helping you live in alignment. They help you live in alignment by giving a louder and written voice to your "higher self" and intuition. The stuff you write after those sentence stems is usually pretty damn wise and self-aware. This is a great place for your true self to start coming through. And you won't dog your true self. It is beautiful and perfect.

It's just a thought through my lens. It seems, to me, that you are motivated by achievement and are forcing yourself to achieve what you don't really want. So, there is backlash. You are fighting with yourself. This is why I ask about your age. For some people, they need a lot of time to ripen into knowing what they truly want. To know themselves enough to act in alignment. There's nothing wrong with that. I am sorry you are suffering at this time.

Yes, watch your excuses. I live in rural Arkansas and drove 11 hours each way to a Vipassana retreat in Georgia. I recommend doing the Dhamma program, especially if your level of motivation is such that a drive is too much. Not judging, just observing - I would also not discipline myself on the same level as the program. It is not recommended to begin this practice outdoors. Going to the program with friends is unnecessary, though recreating the program on your own with friends could be cool. You don't, however, know what the program is. You work in 60-90 minute sessions with breaks.

@kieranperez I don't think you have low self esteem. How old are you?