Keryo Koffa

A chad might be getting all the chicks and not care at all, no appreciation, you might have been him already and not cared. The only reason you care as much as you do is because you're subconsciously creating a massive separation internally. And that separation is so painful that you don't have the power to go after it externally. If you didn't care, there'd be no problem, but you want to care, you create a state of mind where getting it would lead to massive ecstasy exactly because of your lack, but that lack makes your life so miserable that taking action becomes excruciatingly difficult. You create a fantasy that is amazing but because it's so amazing your life sucks compared to it and because it sucks so much, you don't have the energy to go after it, but since you believe in its reality and objectiveness so much, you reinforce your separation from happiness and deprive yourself of willpower, intellect and determination as a result of your scarcity mindset stemming from your separation from joy and peace, counterintuitively reducing your chances of fulfilling that fantasy but also unnecessarily making yourself miserable too. We are not entitled to anything and only have control over our state of mind which materializes external actions There are multiple ways this can go down: 1. You keep complaining and waste your life being miserable, relying on the uncertainty of death to fulfill your desire. 1.1 Your desire isn't fulfilled, it simply ceases to exist as you lose the personality and lack that propels you to want it. 1.2 Your desire is instantly fulfilled without the dream scenario manifesting and you feel great but disappointed. 1.3 Having built up so much negative energy of lack, the bliss of having getting your dream scenario is immeasurable. 1.4 You have the power to fulfil your desires but would have to simultaneously become the girls you have sex with. 1.5 You get what you want, are happy forever, but would have preferred to have lived your life happily until then. 2. You get sex and feel worse because it feels great but you can't have it 24/7 and you suffer every second you don't get it. 2.1 You become reckless, do something stupid and end up in jail, unable to have sex and suffering forever. 2.2 You get a girlfriend who is as much a sex-addict as you and try to figure out how you two can live that life 24/7. 2.3 You find a way to get money and spend it on hookers every night, hating your life outside of that time. 2.4 Your life falls apart as your feeling of disconnection increases exponentially and your mental state declines. 2.5 You live as you always had, now knowing how to get casual sex but always relying on it for being happy. 3. You get sex, fulfill your desire and no longer care and now have to face the nihilistic void of losing your sole life purpose. 3.1 You enter a "Dark Night of the Soul", become depressed for a few months and eventually come out transformed. 3.2 The immeasurable disappointment makes you end your life but have nothing to look forward to in the afterlife. 3.3 You discover the limitation of sex but still feel a craving for love that makes you fall into another trap like romance. 3.4 You discover that sex is merely a small part of a loving relationship and become a better more caring person. 3.5 You question whether you experienced it all and get into all kinds of kinks, but these lead to the same conclusions. 4. You get your life together, so much so that you can enjoy sex regularly without it messing up your mood and self-worth. 4.1 You live a good life with either casual or stable relationships like most other people and are content with that. 4.2 You become disillusioned with the transformation being so easy and unconsciously self-sabotage your current life. 4.3 You live a normal stable life for a while and enjoy it but eventually bore of it and end up with the same compulsions. 4.4 You have a family and kids, the sex life with your with is satisfying but you find a greater purpose beyond it you love. 4.5 You start enjoying hobbies, activities, friends, create a job you find value in and slowly gravitate away from the sex. 5. You self-actualize to get to the source of the desire and integrate that lack, being at peace with yourself and not need it. 5.1 You discover your need comes from deep childhood trauma and process that pain that then dissolves the desire. 5.2 Your realize your desire is not actually your own, but merely a reflection of the culture and become disillusioned. 5.3 Your desire is valid but overblown, you can appreciate sex but don't rely on it and get it because of that mindset. 5.4 The desire might be past karma from another life and realizing that you create distance and are less attached. 5.5 A disconnection from your feminine/female side manifests external sexual desire, so you get in tune with that.

I felt confident this time, after not breaking through on 5-MeO-DMT and yearning to finally experience some visual hallucinations, I took 20mg of 4-HO-MiPT, 20mg of 4-AcO-DET, 20mg of 4-AcO-MET and one hour in 15mg of 5-MeO-MiPT. I thought the MET and DET might synergize by docking at receptors with slightly different structural extensions and extend the visual space, as well as the same happening for 4-HO-MiPT and 5-MeO-MiPT being both MiPTs with an offset position in the heterocyclic ring. So then I'm waiting, getting excited, after half an hour notice the first effects kicking in, the visual field somewhat distorting, light geometric patterns appearing, insights flooding. I go outside to the balcony, the sun is shining so brightly and before my eyes I see the scenery morph from a mundane sunny day to a cartoonishly beautiful colorful environment, so bright and reminiscent of hot summer days from my childhood. I look outside and the field of grass becomes sharper, at first I see the color spectrum extended, then I see the previously even field of grass extruded upwards by a bit, creating almost spike like shapes. I think to myself: what is true reality? The objectiveness is really arbitrary, what interpretation of the senses into an interconnected coherent image is the right one? There are so many ways to warp it without changing its essence, so many ways of interpreting it, of displaying it, of modulating the senses, of amplifying the emotions, of extending the visual field and its projection and interaction and synesthesia, the intertwining frequencies of various gestalts merging into an image, an already present, external sensations are merely hitting receptors inside, the world is internal, consciousness is like a barrier between the origin of the light reflection and the shadow side within that picks up the stimuli and forms an image out of them, an already present reality that only needs to be activated, an internal realm to be simulated, experienced, independent of what is going on outside, only needs to be illuminated by a certain activation pattern. I keep theorizing about the nature of reality and where vision originates, a reflection of external reality but it always has to be interpreted from within by a context known beforehand, patterns already pre-existing, a reflection of an already inherent reality merely contextualized through a specific pattern of electromagnetic activation of eye-receptors Hypothetically, if I was a metamorphic organism and could generate my own environment, sensory organs, etc. but operated inside humanly known confines until now, how would I go about adjusting a 3d context to understand hyperbolic geometry intuitively? The answer eludes me, a question for another time. I only remain a few seconds, the sunlight feels like the joy of life but it gets hot really quickly, somewhat uncomfortable, like the kind of hot day you'd wear sunscreen for, I walk back to my room, lie down on my bed. I see an overlay appearing over my vision, following wherever I look, it looks like a 25% opacity overlay of a spherical structure divided into polygonal segments, it's fascinating to look at for a few minutes, there are also patterns projected onto the walls, repeating forms, recreated each time I change my perspective sufficiently scaling with the distance, I stand up and go to the living room. Then it hits me, chemistry, physics, the interaction of light forcing chemical change within compounds, the standard model of particle physics where photons interact with matter in all kinds of ways to form greater structures, everything is truly light, is energy, completely interchangeable energy merely shifting forms. Everything is light, I am light, vision is light, sound is vibration, coming from matter, just another form of light interaction through a different medium, matter is energy is light, taste is light, touch is light, different patterns of filtering the reverberation of energy and matter, which are really just a higher more complex arrangements of light. Waves turning into particles and particles into waves, water, river, seas, waves, the hermetic principle of correspondence, a way of understanding different phenomena. Senses are just identifying patterns of light interaction, I want to experience synesthesia, I can because everything is made of the same stuff, I can taste the ground with my toes, because my toes are made of light and so is the ground, consciousness is a frequency. I could create new senses, experience new colors, I don't even need to grow new sensory organs, everything happens in the brain, I could just access it directly, simulate a whole new sensation inside, though I don't get that far. I browse impossible colors, overlap my vision with both colors above each other, but it doesn't generate the kind of nuance I expected. Clearly not enough psychedelics have been consumed, but I'll need a tolerance break so I'm not taking more now. I enter the bathroom, it is very dark, maybe I can specifically stay in this space to experience and transcend fears, creating a "bad trip" experience might be exciting, I get into the bath tub and close the curtains, I hear ominous ambient noises and the geometric overlay of my vision turns into cross like shapes, I stay a bit but eventually it gets too spooky for me, the spider webs and dead flies inside remind me of death too much and the ominous noises are really something. I leave my clothes off, realizing that most of the time, I'm hiding behind them and lack confident in my body image, that's something I can accept now, I sit in front of the mirror and look for myself, where am I, between the eyes? The person in the mirror? Is that even me? When I stare for too long, the image fractalizes, the eyes become big, the figure deforms a little, it feels weird but interesting. Over the next hours, I turn to the internet and brainstorm all kinds of concepts, since I am in a state of mind where I can think at hpervelocities and interconnect all kinds of concepts. I go over the classics, Sacred Geometry, Sadhguru, Leo, Seth, Spirituality, Psychology. At the end of the Day, when the effects are manageable I go outside, roam the town, and end up walking to the outdoors pool at midnight, I am energized and physically moving fills me with more energy to contemplate the nature of reality and continue the stream of insights. When I finally arrive, I take my clothes off and go for a swim, the cold water is energizing and feels great, the cold is enticing and I flow with it, I see lightning far in the background but hear no thunder, I feel that even if it hit me now, I'd be content with moving towards the next dimension of existence, though there is much for me still to do here. I eventually head back and write down the stream of thoughts that continuously enters my mind. Here it is: I am the alchemist and alchemy process, my body is the residue and after-image of my very own psychic energy out which which reality continuously emerges, my physical form is the karma of my desires, the body emerging from a single cell adopting and creating many forms from within, formerly part of two parents and their lineages encoding all past experiences all the way to source. Reality is interchangeable energy, the same fabric flowing through different gestalts, stories keep originating, all that is left of the past is the material afterimage, rippling echoes of strongly charged psychic energy, the conscious will and desire behind every action, inside the singularity which propels change, the experience of consciousness. Though senses like vision create an image, it means nothing without context but the context can only be recognized because it was already an inherent property of an inner reality that was recognized through the stimulation of that pattern by external appearance. To gain energy one must give it, running creates energy, as above so below, physical and mental energies flow into each other, to move the body is to stimulate that link between immaterial and material, the rejuvenating life energy of creation, of being, of perceiving, experiencing, creating one's experience through exercising the desire for change, like movement, motion, emotion, energy in motion. I went swimming at midnight, the cold plunge was stimulating, energizing, freezing, I swam then stood in the water, to stay without moving felt homeostatic but moving created this kind of stress response, continuous movement made me accustomed to it but to change between moving and not moving stimulated that feeling again, discomfort, plunge, head in cold water, getting to a point of cold, where every other action is warmer by contrast, can I conquer this discomfort for good and make it's effects a dynamic part of myself? To be given free energy without having to generate it intentfully? Though the ever morphing reality itself is an inherent property of my own being from which it originates. My life feels like living up to a past version of myself and trying to externally recreate that one's impressions, as all direction is already past. But those desires are no longer authentic, yet they hadn't even had time to be realized and appreciated. Everything changes, I cannot rely on external means, that would mean stealing energy from outside on one hand, but irregardless of morality it would make me reliant on an unstable source of happiness on the other hand and stop my own development by focusing on the skin I shed. That shed skin, an externalized residue of my past version cannot be used as context for the ever new emerging me, yet it's lens is something I incorporated into myself as I keep expanding. When I was little, I was a very sensitive child, that never changed and it alienated me from my environments. On one hand I was unable to communicate my needs, on the other I saw the inadequacies and responses present in the external environment which validated my withdrawal. Others always seemed occupied with experiencing and stimulating activities while I never managed to find someone to share the mere desire to coexist in the presence of and mirror my own level of self-awareness and openness to communicate, though I did not myself send the appropriate signals to attract such an experience. To fall in love with someone feels like externalizing one's own qualities into an externalized other and the pain of not being continuously connected to them might be a consequence, that sounds like a scarcity mindset however, though so does outsourcing one's own qualities. To hold all those qualities within oneself means stability. The genders never made sense to me, though it is understandable granted their portrayal in modern society. Every being is inherently both, irregardless of adopted behavior. I disliked masculinity for dulling one's feelings and causing suffering, and disliked femininity for suppressing one's own desires to maintain external appearances. To identify with either seemed like hell to me. Each seemed like a toxic coping behavior suppressing and compartmentalizing the true self. The insecure masculine inflicting external control upon others and oneself to hide past shame, the insecure feminine hiding the naturally emerging self behind facades and manipulating externally what it is not allowed to bring out internally. In truth, the divine feminine is the energy of growth and nurture, the process of compassion towards oneself, one's children, joy, love, happiness. The masculine a role model of interacting with reality and expanding oneself through learning and discomfort, a balance of life and death, as death is the change of form and life becoming dead when not dying. Tribally, males being stronger would be more engaged physically adapting to and expanding outside their immediate environment, while females would tend to nurturing and transforming the environment to make it home. It's an idea, a potential way to explain the physical manifestation of the genders. Though I've yet to see whether the split itself was to create new opportunities or self-disowning in its initial intent and how that more broadly corresponds to duality. Teachers don't make sense, families don't make sense, others don't make sense, to be a teacher is to continuously teach the same thing forever mechanistically, though the activity might be simulating. Either way, the knowledge already exists and one is not growing, but repeating the same thing, very boring, why not just encode in one's genetic material to be automatically inherently acquired by the next generation? Why need another generation, why not just be it, at the frontier, always at the edge of expansion? Bad mindset? Children are oneself allowed to experience the world anew in a new way? To give oneself the opportunity to become one's own parent and correct past mistakes? But isn't that giving up the self for an externalized other? They can have life of their own just like oneself was such a life in the joy of creation, out of love? Not being insecure about losing a part of oneself and giving it life to be its own and experience the world and experience the love of bringing it into life and nurturing it, gaining experience and giving life in the process? Just like the sun irradiates energy? When I was 6, I realized my parents would age and die before me. I was attached and could not bear the thought. I'd rather die first, not to have to experience that, but that would make them sad, and it would be sad by itself if the following generation dies before its previous one. Now it is fine, my parents are themselves and I am me, I grow into myself and keep changing, supporting myself in the process of becoming independent and individuating. If lightning struck me now as I was swimming and witnessing thunder far away, I'd take it as my higher self lifting me into a new reality and see it as an opportunity, but dying would be rather anti-climactic and make my parents sad. And I'm pretty young and could leverage this experience more, deciding to leave on my own terms after fulfilling more desires and burning up more karma, I also want to witness the technological singularity and see if I can become healthier until then. My physical body is residue of my energy body, I keep changing and shedding my skin, dead skin cells make the dust that covers my unnatural living space, far from the natural habitat outside. I can use energy but what does that mean? Where does the energy come from, food? Externally? My body is organically interacting with the environment, turning pears into my own body, starvation uses up stored fat, but so does activity. That which gives me life is energy, yet I'm transforming energy from matter to matter. What is dying to starvation like and how come we can save up but not use excess energy and it accumulating in the body. Why is it not natural for excess energy to flow naturally and why can we not photosynthesize on our own? We have complex organs for filtering and processing matter into energy, it's like an innate part of our being, but I'd rather be light if I could. though then I wouldn't need all these organs and would retract them into a simple water metabolism that propels the body, but why need that when I can simply be an electromagnetic gravitational conscious field projecting myself across reality, but wait that's imagination, and I'm already capable of it, just need to learn to tune it. To exist in a dimension of limitless energy and freely change my form on whim spontaneously, growing wings or levitating, and then becoming human again, metamorphically. Is limitation a self-imposed challenge for mastery, or merely an afterimage of a limited belief of oneself scaffolding karma to reimpose itself due to being a stable part of the acknowledged material world at this point, self perpetuating? Why can I not immediately take on all the characteristics of any life form I see and switch between them or share consciousness or maybe I can and I do and that is imagination which I use to balance a stable reality with that dynamic desire? Creating video games and fantasy settings as one more manifestation on another layer of reality, spawning all of fiction and our growing interest with these kinds of strories and humanity keeps evolving. I have it pretty good, living in a first world country away from survival and suffering, maybe I chose to come here, maybe I already experienced enough of it in another life, maybe I was born so sensitive to not fall into that trap but appreciate the difference and not take it for granted, or to learn from this history of suffering on earth without being to involved in it, or to help the earth out of it, or to be able to witness it and make calls on what happens. I should be part of creating this experience, but shuffling material around is nothing compared to doing the esoteric contemlation that expands my understanding of myself and reality to even know what is a meaningful and healthy change to make but manifesting change through reality as a result on a scale I personally could never affect and accept that reality is my own fabric and by desiring a change it will happen, and making myself healthier will mean that I naturally act out of authenticity to heal the external but also attract change metaphysically by tuning into the kind of frequencies that end up materializing from within as the new world based on my own self-understanding and conviction. Psychedelics naturally mushrooms, agents of decay, turning dead residue into pure energy, feeding it back into the cycle of life, catalyzing ego-death, of course, that makes sense, living is dying, still life is death, and death is alive because death is change and life is change, that which does not change is dead but that which dies is alive, dying is a quality of life, and living is a quality of death, but being static may just be a very high wavelength frequency that is still alive but very slow. Separation comes together, hydrogen floats around and comes together to fuse and boom, star, energy, but then it fuses into heavier stuff, becomes planets and shit, but iron is the end apparently, and when the universe decays into homeostasis and a stable energy configuration, then what? That's dead and boring. Something will happen, and that long-scale model will probably turn out to be all wrong anyway. But without input from source, nothing happens, so that checks out, time would simply fly by. BUT THAT'S JUST A THEORY, A CONSCIOUSNESS THEORY, THANKS FOR READING! SECOND TRIP (5 Days Later) 20mg of 4-HO-MiPT, 20mg of 4-AcO-DET, 20mg of 4-AcO-MET and 15mg of 5-MeO-MiPT (Again) It was the grief of the loss of the happiness that could come from outside created through an intently self-inflicted vulnerability to create an opportunity to connect over and reconcile it, but the resulting pain too great to to put oneself out there and bring it to fruition, yet the momentum generated, the yearning, the build up to that climactic moment of fulfillment ever rising to create the sort of meaning of long past reunion, to give up on that ever so longed for time, connection, desire, the risk of throwing a boomerang waiting for it to return, a lover to return from the line of battle, a sibling one hasn't seen in years gone overseas, a best friend promised to meet again from decades ago, to grief the loss of that opportunity to connect in such a meaningful manner and build up of emotions straight from the soul to bond over, a contrasting duality, a built up energetic charge, an ever rising kundalini energy, to give that up and reintegrate it into unity having never succeeded in the endeavor of honing it and beating impossible odds, tragic but the meaning returned into one's soul an immeasurable relief, giving up all relationships that once brought joy to focus back onto the unfolding life and give rise to the same opportunities that so readily created such meaning in the first place, to gravitate inwards instead of spreading oneself thin in the outside world Polarity, feeling the depths of sadness, then transitioning into anger, colors changed, the fields reverberated, as if a strong polarized charge made of emotions materialized and lend itself to all surroundings through a sense of tranquil release and resonance. I could feel the buzzing energy in the air, the powerful electric waves spinning around objects, my own emotional state affecting my vision, my feeling, the vibration of energy, power. I released the desire that bound me to misery, to hold onto the past and seek to reexperience it, to meet again old friends, to continuously seek their presence, but feeling miserable every second that doesn't happen, I gave up on that, I also gave up on my pain, to find someone to connect with over it, to heal together, reach the sort of understanding coming from experiencing such a background. And to find contentment in my own presence alone or to allow myself to connect to others without building up depths of understanding that make finding such people impossible. Following this, I focused on new insights, remodeling reality, new understandings, my vision shifted, it separated into many pieces, my personality as well split into many unique parts spread over my entire life, I've been researching IFS, I've been studying the brain, unconscious lately, we all have many parts, many personalities, united, split, repurposed for many different situations, we switch between them naturally, not even realizing the seamlessness but also the separation and scale of difference and abilities between them. We each have split personalities, just don't usually struggle with them, most of the time very oblivious to their existence. When you speak a different language, your whole persona changes, the vibe differs, when you engage in different activities, when you hang around different people, when you enter various emotional states, when you remember different things, play different games, sports, conversations, ideas, passions, when you do psychedelics. I entered a mode of seamless integration of all the different parts within me: Imagine a glass sphere splintered into a thousand pieces still floating at their original positions but now filtering the internal space inside the sphere through various unique personalities and sensory lenses and in the process synergize a new coherent image more congruent and flashed out than that of any shard or a single undivided sphere, for it compensates for the inaccuracies and lack of perspective of any one part and simultaneously in a feedback loop informs the understanding and filtering of each. It felt like unlocking my third eye, like letting different parts of me and the outside world enter me through the crown chakra, like I've become a medium, simultaneously perceiving so much information from so many sources, modulating between personalities and ideas, but still being an entity myself that holds the power to do so, seeing them as an extension of myself while embodying them simultaneously. It was beautiful.

Dissociatives turn me into Jello, but in a good way, my muscles relax, I am able to stretch and do yoga, get into positions like never before and hear the cracking of an otherwise rigid body releasing the tension. My mind relaxes, thoughts ease up, I enter a peaceful state of mind, my fears and worries fade away. As that happens, I think of all the things and emotions I formerly suppressed, the fears holding me in check, the expectations, perfectionism, OCD, autistic traits and patterns that limited and stressed me throughout my life, I am now distanced from them, see them for the stupid self-inflicted limitations and compulsive patterns that they are and let go of them. I see the arbitrariness, I become conscious of the unconscious, I see myself from the outside. I release deeply seated emotions built over the course of my life, I meditate, I let my emotions flow, I show love to my past self as I accept and understand that side of me that was hurt and love it until it releases the tension and pain now feeling loved and understood by the future self I have become, the strength and love I have acquired. I start doing activities I was to perfectionistic about, I start learning new things I felt were too complicated at first and they are so easy, I think about concepts and ideas and gain understanding by being straight forward and not faking and forcing myself to act smarter than I am, everything makes sense, so much is usually being said but so little is actually communicated. I admit that which I feel and believe, I am shameless, I am selfish, I want what I want and feel what I feel, I love what I love and hate what I hate, I love myself. Blocking the NMDA receptors leads to an Imbalance between the Glutaminergic system and the GABAergic system, glutamate excites activity while GABA suppresses it. The imbalance of excitation leads to a downregulation of GABA, the GABA is not blocked like with alcohol, instead it's modulation/activation is naturally reduced because less activity means less suppression of that activity, the resulting disconnected/dissociated state of mind lets me associate with the parts of me I don't usually access, allows me also to reinvent my understanding of the world, like a blank slate, take away many biases/impositions/assumptions and to see with clear eyes the world of actuality, imagination and ideas. The self comes back after a few hours and gives me the chance to face itself in a coherent state of mind, check my understanding and consciously integrate in a state of mind that is coherent and clear, to really test the progress I made and figure out if anything was missing, as my body upregulates Glutamate/NMDA I also become more focused and excited and the resulting co-upregulation of GABA lets me face the feeling of suppression head on and get a feeling of the things that hold me back, find them in my body and mind and address them. High doses of dissociatives (30-50mg DCK for example) lead to various impairments in function, the ability to make sense of the present moment and walk properly, it's like the FPS (Frames per Second) is significantly reduced from let's say 120FPS to below 10FPS, the sensory input is also lowered, touch feels more numb, pears taste like cardboard, typing is slow, focus is weak. I don't hallucinate however, even though daydreaming becomes very prevalent and parts of myself come out through imagination. I rarely go that far however and stick to 5-20mg at this point, in fact I seem to continuously lower my doses, it's like I don't need that much to experience what I want to experience anymore and get the benefits, it's like I'm integrating what I need to integrate and there is simply less benefit as my everyday state of mind acquires the best properties through the integration process. I do dissociative less now, from once every two weeks to twice a week around 15mg. Previously, I was facing the side effects of the impairment manifesting itself in slight discomfort over the following days due to higher doses, so I waited until it subsided to continue and have learned to balance it now, getting the benefits of lower doses without the resulting extended return to baseline from high doses. I have done dissociatives and psychedelics together twice and they were wonderful experiences. It's like the reduced ego of dissociatives synergized with the expanded mind space of psychedelics, psychedelics in high doses showed me all my insecurities but I could not handle them, the combination of dissociatives lead to a massive release where I became deeply in tune with my authentic self and annihilated the resistance to that which I wanted to let go of and become. The second time, I amplified the state of free flow of dissociatives with psychedelics and it led me to go deeply into myself and face my greatest trauma. At first, I merely identified a feeling and situation from my childhood and mentioned it, then tears started flowing from my face and I was surprised because I didn't realize just how important it was to me, later I found that this trauma led me to live exactly the life I did and manifested itself in all my activities and relationships, becoming a core part of my identity. I cried through it and the weight was lifted, at the end of it I was surprised, is it over? Am I healed? Where did it go? I feel emptied out, at peace. Psychedelics expand ones mind and let one face their limited ego from an expanded perspective, but the ego might resist and persist and fear and throw a tantrum. Dissociatives on the other hand, eliminate the connection, the emotions, the attachments temporarily and bring one into a state of mind of release and emptiness, from that emptiness one can learn to understand oneself, no longer attached to these things that bring one misery and see them objectively, they do not expand one's senses and ideas but release the attachments instead. When one becomes nothing, one realizes what one is not, that those things are not life and death, that they are a part of oneself but not oneself.

@Oppositionless Now that's a good question, I can't experientially confirm anything yet. There are many reincarnation models and one would wonder what exactly the condition for an NDE or actual death experience is. Does the brain have to be destroyed, what about all the distributed sensations in the body? If one is completely frozen, does that just freeze consciousness, so that no time would pass in the mean time and it would feel like a night of sleep instantly awakening to the future? And then the nature of the self and probable other selves, in fact the distinction between yourself and an identical copy, the nature of consciousness. Leo once said in one of his videos that there is only one god playing the character and everything else is fake, later he changed that to the infinity of gods each controlling a character and then you'd have to wonder if god simulating characters doesn't simultaneously live all of them anyway. And of course I'd kinda assume that there is a background god consciousness knowing exactly what happens to that individual soul of yours being frozen so I don't think you'd be taken out of the body just yet and get to experience the future personally. Many models talk about coming to Earth on a mission choosing all experiences beforehand, but that's just from what I heard/read, all speculation and I can't even confirm the reincarnational model, even though I believe it ties things together really nicely and am inclined to trust it, but that's still an subjective gut feeling/assumption I go by.

Self-reflecting, 5-meo, sadhguru and dissociatives shifted my outlook and perspective lately, could it be that simple: Enlightenment is simply not giving a fuck (not identifying with struggles/desires) The real art is getting to that state of genuinely not caring though, by burning karma in whatever way works (doing, self-understanding, psychedelics) Self-actualization is being healthy, mastering emotions and finding something worthwhile to do in this life Without desires, we're content until the next survival task shift our consciousness Meditation helps regulate emotions, but chasing enlightenment leads nowhere There's lots of esoteric stuff which may or may not be real, it's part of pursuit/desire, knowing or doing anything about it doesn't change whether it's real or not, it's something to do out of curiosity and fulfillment as much as anything else and is equally valid/invalid in the grand scheme. It's a massive rabbit hole and I'm hella addicted, but that's what actualized.org is all about (nature of reality (though in this context the answers can be known (probably)))

I'm in a big transition phase in my life since I started doing psychedelics in September and had the greatest highs and lowest lows I ever had. At best, I discover deep traumas within me that subconsciously shape and determine the whole course of my life, all my experiences, desires and shortcomings and traps. At worst, the ego backlash makes it feels like I'm the worst and most pathetic person to ever exist, am wasting my time, am not worthy of actually existing and should go sacrifice myself for any first random cause I find and give up all and any desires and feelings I have or just end it altogether. With each trip, I peel of a layer of the onion ego and am astounded how impactful it is. Experiences include: "So that's what it feels like not to be in fear 24/7" or "That's what love feels like" or "I didn't know I had these feelings" or "I can't believe how much bs I'm tolerating and how little I think of myself" or "I wish I didn't end that relationship so abruptly or at least say how I really feel" or "I can't believe all these things that I found so difficult were actually this easy" or "In this state of mind I can do anything, now let's figure out what's worthwhile and make a plan" or "How far does this rabbit hole go and how do I transcend all the transcending?". I feel like I'm not doing enough and like introspection is a waste of time but in truth it made a massive difference: - Led to to quit my toxic job which was a literal assembly line with nothing of value to be learned - Reestablish a life purpose in the things that matter to me the most - Sign up for college which I postponed because I wanted to learn it all by myself but it offers accountability, environment, opportunities, like minded people and I don't have to go into debt - Travel outside the country and with the train for the first time in my life, spontaneously bikepacking for a week - Build foundations on basic life skills like cooking, managing the house, repairing my bike myself - Go outside and enjoy nature more - Become enthusiastic about my hobbies which I fell out of due to excessive perfectionism - Get inspired about learning new things about science, spirituality, art, psychology, practical things etc.. But with a list like that, I'm objectively making more progress than ever before in my life. It feels like I'm on a long retreat, not having to worry about any work or responsibility at this point in time and am trying to balance myself in 0G and create a foundation, learn to carry ever greater burdens, not to actually see them as such and balance it with self-compassion, to be content as I am and simultaneously continue to grow and improve. Learn to act out of an abundance mindset, face negative emotions head on through awareness, sit with them and inquire about their source and find ways to transmute negative energy without doing spiritual bypassing in the process. I am ever thankful for leaning the term "Ego-Backlash" from Leo's episode on it. It's a feeling of wasting time and simultaneous anhedonia, excessive unrealistic expectations, mental torture, reduced self-worth, alienation from others feeling like they have it all together at all times and I'm the only one struggling, being alienated from my own struggles despite their impact they made on me, lack of energy and existence itself requiring massive effort not to collapse under the weight of the incoming self-judgement, nevermind the energy to do the smallest things. It's mostly after trips that I face it but on one of my trips lately (50g Truffles + 3g Syrian Rue) I was somewhat immobilized purely by the mental strain of having to justify the mere act of existing to myself against being selfish, useless and a detriment to the universe. Every psychedelic trip expands my sphere of understanding, action taking, confidence and comfort zone. I often think that "that's it, now I can do things hard or easy and not suffer". When effort itself becomes a bodily sensation, not a mental strain. It is like pain without suffering, but it doesn't even have to be painful since that's a property of framing. Psychedelics made me realize a lot of things: - I live in a first world country, why am I so paranoid and miserable? - Why do handicap myself with a scarcity mindset and limit what I can do? - I have so many resources and opportunities, why not use them? - I am capable of overthinking the littlest things, it's absolutely bonkers, it's like an art form. As I laid my thoughts down in this writing, the backlash subsided, I started practicing sitting with discomfort without using external means like food to change my state of mind and take those feelings away, which I used to do. But as I'm getting a grip, it seems new layers are revealed. The ego backlash/homeostasis mechanisms I have identified so far are: - Anhedonia: No enthusiasm about anything and feeling like nothing will ever matter again - Distractions: - Surface Level: Junk food, porn, drugs, entertainment - Deeper Waters: Productivity, being useful, external validation, workaholism, routines, habits, exercise - Ocean Floor: Reframing, spiritual bypassing, self-care, friends, life purpose The deeper it goes, the healthier it gets and many of those activities are healthy lifestyle choices that are great by themselves for their own sake but they can also be used to avoid facing the shadow, so it's tricky. Sometimes, the feeling of ego-backlash might instead be a sign to engage in these activities but then again, the need itself and discontentment are a seed of problems in themselves if these activities are done out of need and fear instead of love or as an avoidance mechanism, though the presence of them usually indicates a larger/healthier and more flexible ego. Feelings of Shame / Guilt / Blame / Fear etc.: Can be framed/understood and integrated OR be paralyzing, lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms, detrimental mindsets, self-deception, internal zero/negative-sum conflict, paradigm lock, reckless behavior, mistrust, alienation, prejudice, limited perspective and self-suppression. The Fear/Disgust Combo - The Source of Discomfort: Weird feelings akin to an innate discomfort, uneasiness, the source of the feeling of disgust, of irrational phobias, of obsessive/compulsive behavior, sometimes fear of the unknown, of psychosis, a feeling of repulsion/fear, of ugliness, of resistance and avoidance, deterioration, gore etc.. This is a feeling I can trace back to childhood that can get entangled and associated with certain things and cause lots of suffering through coping behavior creating a paradigm lock. In the end, I work through it all, I learn new concepts to help me understand and face it, to propel me forward through the deconstruction of what holds me back. I face ego-backlash a lot and sometimes forget to identify it for what it is. In those times, it feels like I'm worthless and always will be, that I'm wasting my time, am overcome by Shame/Guilt/Disgust am Self-Blame and that all the progress I made is for neigh. I get "Aha-Moments", which are the expression of intuitive intelligence that expands perspective and breaks paradigms, but instead of appreciating that success, I feel like I discovered something obvious, everybody was already aware of and I'm just stupid for having taken so long to get there, yet it reframes all my understanding and makes me magnitudes better at handling my emotions/desires/relationships/goals/purpose. When unaware of the ego-backlash being just that, it feels like my entire world is falling apart, like all that I worked towards and all the positivity I cultivated is a fools errand and I'll be eternally miserable and I feel the need to live up to saints and superstars, to perform every feat that collective humanity and all the most skillful/spiritual individuals are capable of, that I need to be able to do everything, regardless of whether I want to or not, in every and all disciplines, or else I'm worthless/selfish/lazy/useless/bad, not even evil, since that's a role one can be effective in playing, but rather pathetic. And yet, I enjoy hours of research, learning new things, creating systems, learning how to learn, inventing omni-dimensional approaches where instead of learning by cutting the cross section of a topic 8 times, I just cut it once across three dimensions, getting the same 8 pieces with less effort/repetition and more understanding/inventiveness/context, increasing knowledge exponentially instead of linearly. To recontextualize all of reality through every new concept. It's the difference between the curiosity and an enthusiasm/abundance mindset and insecurity and neediness/scarcity mindset. Sometimes, in the absence of ego-backlash I feel like I'm given opportunities to face discomfort on my own terms and do something healthy, it's quite rewarding but I got to maintain self-compassion at all times. The more empathetic I am to myself, the better I feel and the more I do and I end up enjoying/loving the experience instead of being actively deterred from repeating it due to having to rely on discipline and shame to motivate me. It often times feels like making decisions from this mindset is overly slow, but repetition becomes effortless and fast. It's not what I'm used, Metaphorically, it's like switching from energy drinks and fast foods to tea and salads/fruits (though that's also what I've been doing lately) and learning to operate on consistent energy levels that don't peak but also don't fall and gradually grow. Ego Backlash is a real struggle, can be very debilitating and sometimes I have to sit with it for hours, but I feel like I'm getting the hang of it, especially when I journal about it like this post, maybe some of you will resonate, or have advice. It sure felt excruciatingly painful when I started writing and now I feel relaxed...

@Breakingthewall I had a profound experience before that felt like what I hear described as a kundalini awakening. I felt uninhibited for the first time in my life, like I broke through, like confusion/tiredness were not due to a lack of understanding or bodily imbalance but intentional ego mechanisms to maintain my barriers. It felt like I spoke for the first time in my life, like my throat had been a complicated system of dozens of gears and cogs until then, that were all discarded. I prayed properly for the first time in my life though it felt more like a confession and then my laugh and tears flowed like never before, like they were 100% unregulated and real. After all that release, I did not know what to do or where to go next, like the foundations of my life were things I had to invent myself, they were not given then, though I felt a profound sense of having to do something. It wasn't the end, I felt depressed shortly after and felt a deja-vu of not having made nay progress over the last months and then I faced a fear I had forever, that of solipsism, accepting it irregardless of whether it was true or not and I did and then I felt naked, despite wearing clothes, my mind was free and empty, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my heart, I felt so light, as if I was light headed but I wasn't, I felt like I was floating, I had to check whether I really wasn't, like I was being pulled up. I went into nature, expressed anger freely, then started thinking and all kinds of concepts flew through me, mixed and mashed in some many ways. On the following days, I felt anhedonia, though I went outside and maintained some qualities, but it felt like a peak that's been fading, like trauma had been released and I'm going back to baseline, sans those weights that burdened me so. And recently I had another release, I realized the root of a deep desire from my childhood, a sense of loneliness, that manifested in all aspects of my life, that I felt through. Being aware of it seemed to dissolve a lot of pain. Following that, I've been more active, though I'm facing ego-backlash a lot now. I've been integrating it all, I can see how emotions and mindstates are built by time and habit but are in truth like an snow ball turning into an avalanche of identity while my true nature is independent of that but gets wrapped up in all the build up. I am trying to integrate all that knowledge and feeling and intuition since...

@Water by the River Thank you for that long read and sorry, I really end up saying stupid things. These ideas go oppositely of what I usually hear, but it feels intuitively right. There are so many perspectives about the Buddhist "cessation of desire", the infinity of experience leading to a never ending chasing, ever biased perspective due to a less than infinite ego and I wondered whether one can short circuit it by going the opposite way, but that perspective was rooted in scarcity problem solving, not authentic/creative self expression. That would require shadow work and integration, I have been wondering about the ever growing extent of things to learn and experience and where resistance comes from. It innately feels right that mastery is a more desirable state than surrender, yet there are times where surrender is necessary, but as mechanism of expanding one's field of vision. There is the whole materialistic world view of acquiring more and more and that not leading to contentment, though that's likely to be due to neglect of spirituality and distraction from discomfort, rather than the positive experiences of attainment itself. I have been facing a lot of ego-backlash lately and sometimes I can't visualize myself content, no matter what I do or accomplish and then I wonder if I have been doing it all wrong, despite all progress and if the path must innately be suffered through without a reason or if that's a signal that I'm doing something wrong. Aspects of reality of interconnected and complimentary, there's lots for me to learn, so thank you for the guidance. That presence you conclude your post with is something I am trying to cultivate, because I chasing enlightenment makes me discontent and stressed in the mean time and it's an infinite self-realization journey, then with the wrong mindset, it sure would be a miserable one. I try to balance being content with the moment, enthusiastic in the activities I perform, patient about embracing the journey of learning new skills before they can be manifested in action, letting go of resistance and not confusing it with spiritual bypassing/reframing, unrepressing myself and aligning myself with that which I find personal meaning in, but it's not always straight-forward.

Whatever psychedelics do to the brain, imagine if we simulated those receptors in an AI and watch the effects. Or what if we input all the content from Leo's videos and let it make sense all of all of those and contextualize all of that teaching it holism, a great deal of experiences and human nature and all the philosophies and the means to create ideas and insights from scratch without context but just data. Or we do both and simulate psychedelic effects of the framework of all the data, or input human brain patterns before and after psychedelics and from many humans to generate an artificial reflection of our consciousness. But that's just a theory, A GAME THERORY! We'd either discover the multiverse and accelerate humanity by millennia every second, or maybe it'd destroy the universe, who really knows, sounds dangerous and exciting, a job only suited for a crazy scientist!

I don't seem to hallucinate or get out-of-body experiences the same way I hear it described in reports and portrayed in videos but when I move and leave my current environment on heroic doses, I seem to lose my train of thought, sense of self, environmental awareness, and experience an increasing sensory disconnection. That is to say, my vision seems to reset and lag behind in a way, that I do not know if I'm experiencing the present, past or future. I get the feeling that past senses overlap my vision, that my mind is simulating the future and overlaying it and that I do not know what is actually happening in the present. Maybe all I see is just precognition simulated by my mind while I am actually somewhere else, maybe I lag behind when I close my eyes and appear somewhere else and this false simulation will crumble and I was actually somewhere else, maybe I walked somewhere different and this is overlaid imagination. Maybe my mind is always simulating the future to an extortionary degree without my awareness to prevent terrible outcomes, maybe when something bad does happen it resets to a previous configuration and induces amnesia. At this point I have to use my phone camera to see more linearly even though it is still part of my vision, it seems more consistent. I have to kick the ground or grass or step hard and even when I see or feel that movement, I am unsure how real it is. I see tracers on moving objects and sometimes am not sure if an object passed twice or just a similar looking one behind it. I also get an almost 360 vision and everything in front of me is clear and the detail is maintained no matter the angle, objects look very distinct and contrast well against the environment, trees look more alive than ever, more sleek and organically colored, the branches having eyes and looking like alien antennas, trying to point to something, though I can't tell what, I just get the feeling they're like machines with the purpose of transmitting love like a radio in a radial fashion. The forest floor is made of clearly distinguishable geometrically related clearly identifiable pieces of branches, leaves etc. Well, weirdly enough I don't actually seem to be running into any objects despite the lag and even the back and forth lagging is reset to the present, which is weird because that includes going from future back to the present, like my intent is seen before its materialized. When I gaze long enough at a spot, my vision fractals, at some point my whole vision becomes spherical and I get the feeling that I am the center and cause of my environment, a self-projected reflection and the epicenter of experience. The whole inter and intra-sensory disconnect, past, future, present separation, geometric recreation, vision singularity, it all really feels like my mind is making it all up on the go independently creating and choosing the world it is apart of and which changes to accept and bend to, phasing through existence and experience, like it's not just identifying an external world but actively creating the dimension in which it exists and is then willfullingly changed by. It's a lot to take in.

Is it the matrix of societal role, behavior, purpose? Is the the concepts, ideas, science? Is it the idea of god, psyche, identity overall? Is it the surrender of exploration and understanding in and of itself? Is it that of perception, experience, insight? Is it that of existence, relation, duality? Is escaping the matrix part of the matrix? Is any and all form part of the matrix? Is it the duality of observer and observed? Is it the autonomous sense making experience? Is it perception in and of itself? Is it existence in and of itself including the seeking of non-existence which cannot exist as existence exists as long and always when it does which is all and ever? Is it to navigate states of consciousness to see the limitations and know the difference, but everything is a state of consciousness? What matrix is supposed to be escaped and how, to which extent, to all extent? And if so, what is that apparently desirable non-matrix supposedly? Is it absolute contextlessness from which all context arises and which allows for every thing while being no thing? Is that it? Absolute Infinity? Is reality not an infinite fractal with no bottom and top? Well, that is an idea, maybe the absolute does exist but how would one know to have reached it or if the one seeking it dissolved from even being someone at all and just became it, how would that experience tell if it wasn't locked inside invisible walls? Unless its the intuition and experience in and of itself pointing towards the consequence of such existence that links to such experience.

I started psychedelics exactly 5 months ago. I solved lots of neuroses on my first trip which opened me up to go journeying and I had 3 more trips that week doubling the dose each time. I got in tune with my body, then my heart and also reached my limits on the last trip which felt like amnesia but I learned lots there too. I came back weeks later and continued, profoundly questioning the structure of society, my capabilities and the nature of human behavior. The next trips led me to question fear, learn to surrender and epistemology. Weeks later I was more active than ever, became more athletic, present and also interested in the 60s psychedelic generation and aliens. Weeks later yet I tried hyper-heroic doses to dissolve as far as possible and that filled me with amazing ideas and eventually taught me the value of the duality of surrender to that which I can't control and at the same time of growing myself experientially to be capable of carrying ever greater burdens and weights. A week later, I explored metaphysical ideas of material and immaterial reality. And a week later I explored the consistent change of my self as I saw my body consistently materialize and dematerialize while I as the perceiver remained a constant. And now which is weeks later after that, I got into the habit of daily psychedelic use and I feel like it would be more beneficial to integrate and space out the trips to reset tolerance and adjust my baseline to the insights and build myself up naturally. At the same time, psychedelics feel like accelerationism and I feel like I'm sprinting and throwing a ball in front of me and psychedelics are the acceleration that I do to speed up and catch that ball which has additional momentum and I run faster as a result, repeating that motion. If I could be psychedelic all the time and integrate that level of awareness, I could be doing 10 things simultaneously full of passion, my body intuitively carrying out motions and recognizing meta-patterns, handling everything like inverse kinematics. Lately, I've recognized myself repeating the routine, of the first half of the day filling myself up with existential dread and psychic pain that feels like the lowest low and the later half of the day moving like a sinewave to immense energy, presence and appreciation. Each evening, seemingly independent of when I too psychedelics or if I even did, I am overcome with great calmness and an amazing perceptual clarity, seeing my environment in vast detail in the reflection of surfaces, the strength of colors and an amazing overarching focus of all things simultaneously. It's like, when I take psychedelics, I recontextualize all context I have, and any next trip recontextualizes my recontextualization, leading to exponential expanding of my understanding, and because of that, it feels like I'm limiting my potential when not tripping. Though it would teach me much to gather more data and experiences before tripping anew, despite the fact that it appears unnecessary because on psychedelics insights just show themselves to be outside anything I can conceive at the time.

I guess this formulation is rather strange, since nothing survives death, as death itself is literally defined by the disappearance of the very thing that dies. So what I'm really asking then is what reality warps into and what shape consciousness takes after the body disappears. I guess there's infinite potential for illusion and wishful thinking regarding that this cannot be confirmed except by actually dying, unless psychedelics expand the mind enough to somehow reach it. Reality constantly changes, or my experience of it does, the surroundings, what they're made of, the time on the clock shifts. Living things appear to age, the environment reforms. I only really experience motion, though some things seem more static than others. One time, when I was on a solid amount of psychedelics, I looked into the mirror and the shapes and colors on my face seemed to flow outwards while new ones replaced the old ones flowing behind them, like the form of my face was constantly changing and being replaced, yet the overall silhouette stayed the same. Imagine an invisible force field which dematerializes and rematerializes itself with whatever resources are available around it, knowing how to form itself and the material its made of just a means to an end to take on physical form, constantly changing while its essence and awareness remained the same. Like I'm dying and being reborn every millisecond of existence and yet I seem to be continuously present and perceiving and knowing despite constantly dying and being reborn and not being the same as before and every some often huge amount of cells, body cells, brain cells and the structure of my body are replaced, yet my sense of self remains, like a form that is the constant among the change. Like I materialize reality this way while all that I see is constantly morphing and changing, but the essence exists outside of that change. My greatest bias is continuity, knowing, being conscious, having a broad sense of awareness, the ability to perceive and understand my environment or integrate my past experiences into a greater whole which allows me to see and access everything at once and appreciate where I am and the experiences I collected. My greatest fear is not this body dying or eventually changing, but losing awareness and memory and especially the conscious experience of existence. What experiences and insights have you gathered so far regarding death and its relation to conscious experience?

@DefinitelyNotARobot If the diagnosis is that I'm the Matrix, what do I do about it, doc?

Everything is as real as I know it to be, am I shaped by the zeitgeist or the zeitgeist by my experience? Are you only as real as I'm willing to engage with you, ultimately as real as me, and I can probably infinitely subdivide myself further if I wanted to. The pointed to god is a state of contentment that generates out of abundence, the exact abundence that offsets my existence. If everything I ever loved is real but imaginary, true but arbitrary, then that's pretty beautiful because I wouldn't want to miss out on the infinity of material and immaterial experience outside of it either, or just be content for a while or discontent though I'd like to be somewhat content in my discontentment if possible.

@Princess Arabia I died in one of my dreams, I dreamed I was in a room and felt week, I seemed to be very old and my breaths got shallow, I knew I was about to die, I saw a woman and children run towards me, I intuitively knew they were my daughter and grandchildren, I slowly lowered myself onto the floor and I felt a sense of calmness, I knew I was about to die but it felt very peaceful and I didn't experience any pain, my breathing slowed down as I faded from that realm into another, one of darkness, but I was still conscious and I saw a person appear, I don't remember much from after that, it was years ago and I woke up right after. @Razard86 I'm consistently trying to expand my perspective but when I try to understand the way I am in hindsight, it appears as if I discover ever greater meta-patterns that run through my entire life. And it's like: The way I am now is highly influenced by the way I act and the situation I'm in, but that one only arose from the experiences of past years, but it seems that I could have potentially had so many, or have focused on so many of their aspects, but specific ones got highlighted, which have grown me into a specific direction, and when I wonder why, I return into whole areas of 8 years ago, and they were a reflection and antithesis to the way I lived two years before that, and that experience was the most profound experience in my life, from beginning to end, but it was only so because of the way I was when I entered it, and that was caused by the person I was due to the experiences I gathered, and those were in turn caused my on overarching pattern of positive and negative experiences that shaped my personality, and those link to my childhood, and the reason I was the way I was then appears because I had natural inclinations to begin with, but did I? Core experiences from my early years led me to that, but it seems that potential was always within me and I always had a specific focus, preferences and an inclination to filter experiences along specific lines, and that was the reason I behaved as I did. Furthermore it seems that filtering of perception and meaning is something I was born with. And the reason I was is something I try to understand in hindsight and the way I relate to other people and past personas seems to correlate well with reincarnation/karma and psychic continuity models, irregardless of their nature since continuity along psychic lines is as valid dimension as any other when it comes to the continuous morphing of the experienced universe and its properties and that which we most notable are, states and configurations of conscious experience filled with specific tendencies. In a way, I changed quite a bit, in another way, I'm constantly gaining ever greater clarity and appreciation for who I am, in another way, it seems I never changed one bit at all, I'm like a tree, I grew branches but the stem is the same. Sometimes I feel it more strongly than other times, but as I try to expand my sense of self, I intuit that every person inside this world, if I went through the exact circumstances they did and felt the same way they do, had all the exact experiences and was shaped by the same forces, I'd be them and act identically. And when I run through that thought while talking to someone, it feels very profound and almost like I'm switching into their perspective in real time. Yet they don't have my experience and I don't have theirs, I do not know in conscious detail what they feel inside. The sense of continuity is fascinating really, the background knowing awareness, irregardless of specific details or if you can remember anything at all, but just the knowing that you're you and that you are.

Split myself into a conscious and unconscious, so that I could surprise myself and appreciate reality from different angles of self-discovery towards potentially infinite growth and exploration. The unconscious part would shape my experiences without me knowing, creating highs and lows and guide my overall experience. I would split my psyche and become others, yet another layer inaccessible to even my subconscious, on a physical level, they would be simulated by the same overarching godhead that I am and that is absolute consciousness of which every persona is a self-perpetuating experience, so they'd be as real as I am. There would be both a personal and overarching reality and a consensus space that would allow for vivid and real interpersonal experiences in a physical reality while each person after their death would remember the entirety of their experience and have the power to create new reality bubbles completely of themselves or interact with others if a connection was welcome. The immaterial reality before the absolute God would be equally infinite in potential, though each piece of consciousness on its own could determine how far they wanted to subdivide, expand, interact or merge their experience, even into the absolute. There would be an infinite amount of checks and balances involved that would create a greater harmony, yet give each consciousness its own autonomy. It would be a vivid universe of autonomous beings shaping their experience with infinite potential of overlap, creating finite avatars and overarching realities that would emerge their own spirit, turning it into an infinitely vast interconnected universe allowing for each desire and each possibility to evolve, every link to be established and infinite knowledge to be accessed or reduced to shape any kind of experience imaginable to the extent that one desires it. Maybe that's what I created, maybe that's what I will create, maybe I made it so we're all part of it now, maybe I did it beforehand, maybe in hindsight, maybe on the go, but I desire others to exist, and I desire the ability to share and become anything and I desire to exist and to change and for all my past versions and for all the other people and all potential future selves to exist on their own right, for infinite communication and every possibility to occur and fill the universe with life. And I am conscious, so I am God, but if could chose what God to be, that's the god I would be, which is human and alien and sovereign and equally a part of an infinite amount of other gods. I'd do it out of love for that which I am, as much as that which I am not and the unity of both.

There are things happening that are undesirable granted the lens through which one looks at them. God seems to balance everything out for the greatest good. But what is the nature of good and bad? Is it that bad doesn't exist as every intent is good to the ego that has it? Or is it that good and bad are arbitrary? Or is it that bad serves good, so that bad experiences balance the world at large towards greater good? Or even that good can only even exist in contrast to bad? Does bad simply not exist or is it a necessary evil towards greater good? Or is bad the necessary fabric for anything to exist finitely in the first place like any duality. People suffer, you suffer, I suffer, those experiences shape us. There is a difference between pain and suffering. Maybe suffering creates empathy, maybe it teaches us lessons, maybe its the spice of life. But it exists and god created if not the bad itself, then our ability to perceive good and bad and to suffer in and of itself. Is suffering itself bad, in order to guide us to good and a better, more fulfilled, more whole version of ourselves, a path towards godhood that expresses the limitations that bind us from him, the absence of love that drives us to infinity? I can suffer and God "only creates good". So does that mean that suffering in and of itself is good, or is it good because its a necessary means towards a greater good. Like dissatisfaction that drives and shapes us towards a greater and more expansive and understanding version of ourselves?

@Breakingthewall I have biases and it's hard for me to let go completely, though I tripped three times on double-heroic doses of psilocybin that felt like amnesia. The first time, I felt overstimulated, I look at my phone messages, they seemed to disappear and reappear, I would send them and they'd disappear as if time was rewinded, the time as seen on the phone remained the same not matter how long I waited, the minute wouldn't change. It seemed as if I could accelerate time and hours would move by and messages would arrive only to be reset and the time was the same as before. I was restless, felt like my consciousness would disappear forever if I went to sleep and the remaining body would run on autopilot. I was packing my backpack and the next moment, everything was outside again, and I repeated and I kept resetting, my phone disappeared and appeared different places, I made notes because I could only keep two intentions and memories in my mind simultaneously. I learned to let go and ease myself into waiting it out. On the second one I was extremely disoriented and scared, I clinged onto a few concepts like duality, difference, loops, I was immersed in imagined sine waves corresponding and explaining phenomena in reality. I felt like I wanted to dissolve all dualities, I saw a triangle, felt that meant duality and the upper vertex was god, and I became that point and there was nothing. I recollected myself somehow and looked at a random actualized.org post and all the comments looked like hieroglyphs, when I focused very hard on words they were repeating something akin to "there is no self" or "you are not self", I wish I continued to look but I felt so fatigued, I could barely move and could do nothing but to fall asleep and reawaken with the energy to be conscious for a few seconds and fall asleep anew, lasting longer next time. My environment began to look like the surface waves of liquid mercury, grey vibrating surfaces. And when I thought of something, I became it and couldn't identify it since I was too busy being it to make sense of it, like the image of a place or person. I remembered my parents existed and felt like they represented parts of the psyche and that I was not living up to their and my expectations of what I should be doing and capable of since I was basically incapacitated. On the third one, I remembered the second and didn't fear it as much, I remembered sensations that I had on the previous trip. I still felt fatigued and like reality was dissolving into incomprehensible disconnected concepts and feelings and that I could not use the entirety of my psyche as I usually do but I was aware of that and navigated intuitively without needing to think or make sense, I just knew what something was by focusing on it. I felt and visualized an image from my childhood driving with my parents through a dark forest at night looking at pine trees and felt a mysterious emotion from my childhood, when reality was far more vivid, unknown, alive, spirited, mysterious, animated and that fascinated me. Ultimately, it's hard for me to know what to even look for, what sensation to focus on, if I just lie still thinking of nothing, it's like I'm in my base state just feeling a little dizzier than usual, as soon as I do something on high doses, or look at something, then nuanced emotions and ideas come to me. But it's extremely rare that my peripheral changes form and I mostly feel intuitions. Intuition that reality is infinitely interconnected, or that a looped string is god, intuition that I might be a puppet master controlling everything subconsciously, that I'm doing myself a disservice by awakening because I'm unconscious on purpose else why would I be, that god is the superset of all subsets and so forth. What I'd like to ask you about is the distinction between first-hand experience and the usual imagination that includes things outside of the normally constantly occurring stream of senses like sight, hearing, touch, gravity. And what it means to be reality or infinite, how its constructed or willed into experience, whether you have control and can build a bridge between those states of mind to navigate. What it means in relation to this world and how it changes how you live and what you do or the reason behind those. And what I am to you, since I am conscious in my experience absolutely, but then how does that relate to the infinity I infer from you?

Another part of it is the idea Leo mentioned, that the ego constructs fear to maintain a limited identity, which can manifest itself in the feeling of wanting to stop doing psychedelics. So I thought: "Okay, no matter how terrible I feel, and maybe especially when I feel the worst, that's exactly why I should trip, to feel as bad as I can feel, in order to integrate that and as a result also experience the flipside of that". But then, when do I stop? I feel like I've done this enough and I'm not afraid of doing more, but that I should leave some room for non-psychedelic integration, adjustment and reset tolerance, and also max out and break the limits that I have to the extent that I can without psychedelics and push myself towards that as hard as possible.

My consciousness is the only absolute I can know right now at my current state of un/awareness. Leo talks as if there's just one observer and maybe he refers to absolute God, but it seems he says that the currently conscious avatar is the only one in existence and all of reality only exists as a bubble around it simulated in a minimalist fashion only as far as it is psychically convincing. And that nothing exists until the godhead consciously wills it into being in the present, as time is only an idea projection of current awareness. And that others are like a mirage, a reflection of present awareness interpretation of self-projected form. But I wonder, doesn't God have to know and simulate the exact life of everyone else in order to make this a convincing simulation, in which case, is God not simultaneously consciously everyone to the full extent that it's not just the avatar's field being rendered but all entities and "non entities" as well, every blade of grass, every overlap of perception between all observers all equally consciously created by god, in which case, how am I the only conscious entity? Aren't all entities, projected or not equally conscious as experienced by god in order to simulate around the avatar, in which case everything is experienced, in which case every other is as real as me and an equally conscious entity, that is a subset of the god being that creates the whole experience? And then there are other Godheads, as featured in the "Infinity of Gods" video. And Leo says that he might have his godhead and I might have mine and that his godhead made contact with other godheads like mine and those fused into a meta-godhead, while remembering the individuality of sub-godheads, which are sovereign on their own, though somehow the distinction becomes imaginary. And then the godheads are supposed to help each other out if the collective dream turns into hell, as experienced by their avatars which is themselves in finite form. But that gives godheads a unique identity, doesn't it? So then, if Godheads are by themselves sovereign and they can share a collective dream, then how do I know what another godhead's avatar is compared to just an illusion, if there is even such a thing as an illusion as it all seems equally real. Godheads are infinite and unbound, they only bind themselves if they wish and are infinite, and know all that is knowable, I imagine them as reality bubbles. But then, how many Godheads are there, could a blade of grass be the avatar of a godhead, or a squirrel, a human, a DMT entity, could it be that the entire universe is conscious not only because a local godhead has to simulate it for its avatar but also because it is inside a collective dream of which each godhead embodies a different aspect of reality as a conscious entity and each godhead can link other godheads through their avatars, while their local conscious focus maximizes the experience of reality and balance of the meta-structure of the universe. So then when I interact with another human, Leo would say they only exist as a perspective relative to me, but if they're another Godhead's avatar, am I not equally a perspective to them and then are they not just as real as me, or even if it is just a reflection of me, outside of my bubble of awareness (my godhead), might they not exist irregardless as a conscious experience simultaneously only currently unexperienced. And really, aren't all possibilities the case irregardless of whether they're materialized or not, like the Mandelbrot set in mathematics. And then, even if Godheads know everything, isn't there room for more infinity, since they might know every number on the infinite scale, but beyond that there's infinite space to create a psyche that filters patterns around selective lines. So then, maybe my current perspective is a fractal mirror of a localized materialized godhead avatar, but am I not equally arbitrary and doesn't imagining others make them real and can they not exist outside of imagination, in the unknown or unexperienced, as one can invent infinite experiences, along infinite patterns and then infinitive those infinitely. Wouldn't each consciousness, exist equally conscious as it all can exist so it must exist and is all simulated only relative to each other WHICH MEANS THAT EACH EXPERIENCE IS FULLY CONSCIOUSLY EMBODIED BY GOD, irregardless of the current avatar's sovereign consciousness? So then, an avatar could be its own Godhead, as if there's room for more godheads, then as above, so below, so maybe there is a cycle of reincarnation or maybe the NDE experiences are real or maybe there exists a formless psychic universe full of sovereign entities that interact with each other as I interpret from "Seth Speaks". That each consciousness, equally real and valid chooses to materialize itself in a type of play and develops itself more fully in-between lives being a vast multi-personality energy gestalt, of which each individual is a part, and yet conscious in itself simultaneously. It's really fascinating. Anyway, that's the end of my conceptual proliferation for today, tell me what you think and don't give me the Buddhist "stop thinking and become nothing" attitude.

I'm afraid of the responsibility. I've really just been hiding. I've gotten the intuition of god many times on psychedelics but it feels like I'm constantly postproning it. I was about to pray multiple times, but I wasn't sure about the contents because I feel that asking for something to happen is selfish so I keep overthinking and backing away, double guessing if my wishes should really come true, I treat it like an emergency button and all too often feel unworthy of it. Especially since I have the natural path I can walk and I might be asked to be more selfless in return. I feel like I should be spearhedding some kind of movement to do something for humanity or the earth, but there are many passions I have and I feel like with that responsibility there'd be no room for me left. What would you do, how do you see it, what advice would you give me?

@Paradoxed @Davino I feel as if I'm not doing enough. That I should make an effort to change to world to a better place. At the same time, I am aware that it is difficult and every person had a different perspective on what's ideal. I do feel that because I have the capacity to do something to help save the planet, or help the homeless, or do volunteer work or take on a humanitarian profession, that I am morally obligated to do so. At the same time, my actual interests push me towards art and technology, in a light of explorative curiosity. And that's where I can challenge myself, create nuanced expression and dedicate myself at full focus without the regret of wanting to be doing something else. I would pray for health, though I'd feel partially guilty since my health is something within my control, so I'd be offloading responsibility for something I am capable of influencing out of laziness, and that I would feel ashamed to ask for. But my deepest and most intimate desire is not actually something material at all. There are others that I lost contact with and some of which died that I miss deeply and the connections we made drive me forward and give me meaning. What I'd pray for is the ability to visit them in my dreams. And if I could do that, then I feel like I'd be set for life, since those bonds are all I ever wanted. That would fill me with energy, though it not yet being the case, I wonder if that has a reason, whether I'd turn complacent if that which I desire the most was given to me. But I can't stop desiring it.

Hitler did what he did because it was the best he could do granted what he experienced and how he made sense of it. And the same is the case for all of us and every living being. We might get restless and regret having taken some paths over others but we only did because we didn't know any better, else we'd be different. And ultimately, the only thing keeping us from god is our level of consciousness. All suffering is due to our limited sense making and perception/desire filtering aparatus that is our body, environment and the psychic forces that shape our identity and every fiber of our being. We can always do better and wrong behavior does exist, each is responsible for bettering themselves and we can grow in hindsight but the interplay between understanding, consciousness and environment determined the past to be no different than it is and didn't allow for a different possibility to exist than is currently the case. In the end, we all do our best, if it seems we don't, it's because the intensity of the internal psychic turmoil is not easily visible and the circumstances evaluated from an outsider's perspective appear different, simplified, abstracted. Everyone stuggles, everyone's deluded, everyone does their best they know how granted their perspective and everyone deserves happiness.

My experience is locked into the lens of loss and death. Many people I loved disappeared or died, I have become very isolated after a lifelong process of it repating over and over again and I exist in a state of conscious anticipation as a result. I had become unable to do much at all. On psychedelics my lenses expanded, life flowed into me, reality became spirited, mysterious, fascinating. But when it comes to that part of me, the deepest core of my heart, it now stops me from making any significant progress. I've always been one to overthink, reality was always 1000x more intense internally than externally, independent of external circumstances. And now its not even human death and pain that grips my heartstrings anymore, the empathy has expanded, I see a beautiful flower bloom and instead of appreciating it, I am saddened that it will not last and live like that forever but will wither and disappear. I see little creatures like spiders and I feel their lifeforce like it was my own, I see even non-life like a rock at a place and time in a configuration so natural and infinite that it saddens me if that configuration were to change. Life is change but change is death. If I were god, I'd make every life inside of me immortal, I'd give every single part of it the ability to chose its own configuration and fullfil every desire without limitation except for the limitation it would consciously impose upon itself. To be conscious, to live and exist and appreciate, one changes, and life must change and any change is death but to navigate, one needs to forget and remember, to see partially, to intensify certain experience over other past or future experiences held in the subconscious. Time is space. Death feels very real and its painful for me to think about it. It also feels necessary for an experience to exist and progress, to take shape and change it and form anything coherent and meaningful, if I could only see it as a change of form, if I could believe in an afterlife to not despair to the cascade of overlaying every single experience through the context of fearing to lose it, of fearing to make connections, of prematurely grieving the loss of someone and anyone I see. Through this lens, I cannot be angry at anyone and I feel instantly connected to everyone and everything independent of their character and actions, knowing that anything done is ultimately done out of love and that love eventually dies with the one who expressd it, leaving nothing but a trace memory. I feel like everything is already dead infinitely and I'm grieving the greatest love before it even has the chance to reach its peak. If I am god, or if I'm a self-contained god holon, if I am the only thing in existence or the only thing I can know, if everything is a projection of my own self, if I can eventually after the dream unravels unite with all that is inside of my experience and has been "lost" during my life, then that would contextualize my present experience as shaping my psyche and exploring meaning and experience, death would no longer feel sad in that regard. At this point I am mostly sad not for me but for the pain of others, though others might really be a projection of myself, but that does not undo their validity. Even if all of reality was a dream, I would not rest until it got a happy ending. Everyone has a different idea of what is good. I'd want everyone to be autonomous and follow their own desires in their own reality with the ability to enter all other realities simultaneously. Why am I limited? Why is there so much pain? Can god not conceive of a happier reality? Or is having a meaningful experience the ability to bear ever greater capacities of pain and empathy. Is Earth the training ground as NGEs call it? Is this experience as good as it gets? Is there a point to this experience I'm having, or do I create that point in retrospect, or was it always accounted for, or did I make myself forget having accounted for it to experience it authentically. My highs and lows are both growing, I feel like each day I'm reinvented and experienced more than I would previously have in a lifetime. My rigidity is lessening, I feel more attuned, present, after I let it out I feel better, but I keep coming back to this state over and over again.