Vali2003

I also have faults. She is interested in growing and personal development and has grown a lot over the last three years. That isn't a breaking point for me. But, in the end, you're probably right regardless.

Re-reading them, I guess. You could also follow the strategy in the video below, but it's quite a pain in the ass. I find that applying the ideas from a book, discussing the contents with friends or mulling them over through the day also helps. It kind of depends what sort of book it is. If it's the practical kind, applying it to whatever topic it's about is probably the best method. For politics, discussing it helps. This video is if you really want to remember shit and study it. But, like I said above, it requires a lot of effort. But you can't get around that anyways. And, if the book is great, it may be worth it.

@Salvijus Thank you. Where is that from?

Thank you. I'm afraid I'm too scared to turn inward and find out what the truth is about if I 'should' stay with her or break up. In the end, both decisions are good, I just should make sure to quit this 'in-between' space.

And how do I know what that is? Write an angry letter to God?

I feel, maybe I'd be able to do it now, knowing what to expect. But I would never want to go through that if it wasn't necessary or the right thing to do. Of course it's impossible to know that with certainty. I find it mindblowing that most humans go through this pain of breaking up with their partner. It made me realize how much depth everybodies lives have.

That's great.

Thank you, I will try that. I don't tend to feel my body too much, but when I contempate, I focus on feeling 'truth' and penetrating the feeling, not thinking.

@Elliott Thank you. ❤️ The truth is, I tried to do this before. I said 'I'm breaking up with you' because I felt it would be the right thing to do -- out of love. It felt as if I pushed my best friend down a cliff without a reason. I instantly took it back and broke down crying. I wasn't able to deal with it. It felt so wrong in that moment. Is that what breaking up normally feels like?

You're oversimplifying. Are you really trying to understand my inner conflict? I mentioned above that we have talked about this openly before.

I don't feel we're communicating very effectively here. The reason I believe that I need a decision before (maybe I don't need a decision, but at least more clarity) is because we have talked about these topics before and not much came of the conversations. I said, in one such conversation, that when I'm in the present with her then I love it and greatly appreciate our relationship. But that I feel -- necessarily -- it will need to come to an end at some point in the future. She agrees with me and feels the same. We both, at this point, felt as though in the present moment, in the NOW, it would feel wrong to end the relationship. She even has mentioned before that she wished I was a complete asshole and we'd just have a really bad fight, like other couples do, so the end of our relationship would come naturally. This sounds crass but I get where she's coming from. It shows my and her inner torment between other desires and the appreciation of our relationship, of our love. Now, it's been over half a year since that conversation. So maybe her opinion has changed completely since then. I doubt that, however. Do you see more where I'm coming from now -- that I need to have more clarity before going into such a conversation again? Or is it still not making sense from your POV?

I think I just need to bite the bullet, go within and contemplate my feelings (I still appreciate advice, of course): Why do I desire to have sex with other women? -- What's the core of this desire? Why am I scared of committing to her? Why am I scared of breaking up with her?

We already talked about the sex part several times. Saying how we both would still like to make more experiences with other people, feeling like we're missing out a bit on the college experience etc. I appreciate the advice, yet simultaneously I also feel/realize there are much more nuances here than I can express without rambling on for pages. I do feel that going into this conversation openly (without a clear decision on my side) would not be productive. Is it fair to her to go there, tell her about my mush of feelings and expect something good to come of it? Isn't it my responsibility to be clear on what I want and come to her from that frame? My head feels like I just tried solving math problems for 4 hours. Not a gramm of clarity left.

You are right about me having said I'm clear that I don't see myself being with her forever. I guess maybe you could say not telling her that is gaslighting. However, it's not like I'm telling her that I want to be with her forever. I don't think I could see that with any person at this stage of my life.

@Hojo I don't understand what you're saying. If you're referring to the quote above, those feelings are related to my confusion about wanting to continue being with her or not.