Martin123

@electroBeam Hi ElectroBeam, I thought about posting in this topic to help you out but it didn't feel quite right until now. I feel like I can offer you something special, so I encourage you to take in whatever I am about to write next. In every relationship, since we have been mostly conditioned in paradigms of either I win and you lose, or you lose and I win, there tends to be a struggle for control/dominance. This can play out in various ways, as you have described your relationship with your work and its changing role within the relationship, or her desire to stay intimate without sexuality and overall relationship commitment. It is as if both partners were taking turns in whoever has the control. The hallucination of this comes to an end when you realize that any control over any person can only be imaginary. This inevitably comes with facing the emotional wounding within us that erupts when we are finally mature enough to realize and admit that we have no control, and it is out of sheer free will of our partner that they are agreeing to our terms of the relationship. And here you are, in the stage of a relationship where control has become a toxic component and it seems as if you are playing a hot potato game with it taking turns in whoever gets their way. There can be no end to this as long as you are playing this game. In your case, it seems to be the case that your area where the struggle to let go of control is being hindered by the fear of losing the relationship. In this way, you are giving your power away to her saying 'you are the source of my fulfillment and emotional freedom, and I cannot imagine being completely autonomous within this domain'. Her response (while most likely is subconscious one) is a refusal to play this role for you for it would hinder your ability to be completely autonomous and sovereign in your emotional freedom. In simple terms, you have given your power away to your partner, and she is on a subconscious level trying to say - I don't want this, I don't own it. The other part of this unfortunate dynamic is the stage that your partner seems to be in, and that is the unwillingness to let go of you completely as of now merely mirroring to you your compliance of denial of personal needs and desire in favour of the promise of keeping your partner around. However you can only find your way into resolution and clarity by letting go. LEtting go doesn't necessarily mean the ending of the relationship, it merely means greater dedication to the emotional needs of you and your partner, in any scenario that would involve splitting up or staying together. I recently channeled some writing in this thread called 'the importance of letting go in relationships'... or something like that I encourage you to give it a read, as that can be wonderfully applied to your situation. Wishing you best of luck and a brisk resolution of your troubles. Edit: To make this practical, you simply need a permission to fully say no to whatever doesn't feel good and stifling in the relationship. No thank you. I love you very much, but this isn't something I am willing to go through. If that is something you insist on, then we might have to part ways. I am very sorry but I cannot deny the way that I feel. I can only respect the emotions and needs within me.

@PenguinPablo Hi! I personally love attachment styles and think that they are incredible at specifically discovering the type of emotional support we need for ourselves to heal whatever wounds are within us. If you're interested in attachment styles I can't recommend this channel enough . I picked a specific video for fearful-avoidant attachment for you because as you described yourself, you might have a tedency towards that category. I'd like to also point out that the fearful avoidant has a tendency to rotate between anxiety and avoidance. So it's not really that you're an anxious attachment, you're likely a fearful-avoidant experiencing both ends of the spectrum (that's why they're called anxious-avoidants as well). This is important to know because the anxious attachment needs quite a different approach for recovery than the fearful-avoidant (even though they share some similarities). As a former fearful-avoidant myself I have a deep empathy and compassion for this attachment style because I understand the inexplicable pain that can be involved in this, as this attachment is what is created out of the most traumatic childhood circumstances. So I wish you good luck and if you'd have any concerns or questions regarding the healing of attachment wounds don't be afraid to drop me a message. Good luck!

For anyone interested in attachment styles, this is the go-to resource 100% https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHQ4lSaKRap5HyrpitrTOhQ

With all due respect and understanding the reality of your experience, this is just a judgement against femininity. The feminine is the receiver, and it has nothing to do with sexual orientation or gender. You're not actually fearing homosexuality, you're fearing your own emotional needs, because they have been unfulfilled and repressed for so long.

@Buba Hey Buba, your fear is understandable, however I would like to suggest that your fear of becoming attracted to men actually manufactures a belief in your mind that says If I allow myself to fully feel and surrender to whatever is coming up for me at this time, I will only be attracted to men and will be changed for good. And thats simply not the case. You might find yourself perhaps being a little more fluid sexually or perhaps just less repressed and judgemental towards yourself and others as a result of this process, however the fear of 'your life being distroyed' is just a trick your ego is playing on you to make it scary for you to surrender to the feelings that have been repressed for so long. You can allow yourself to just relax, feel through all this, validate all your thoughts and concerns about this topic, and yet realize and see that all this is just a big transition from repression to sexual freedom, that can only make you more free, more aligned and happier with yourself and others just as you are. It's a gate-way to harmony but because your ego has been trained to fear harmony and be familiar with rigid structures and dis-harmony, it feels foreign and terrifying. So may you find courage to follow through this rite of passage into sexually free masculinity.

@Farnaby You're right. I find her teachings to have an invalidating and almost controlling quality. Strange thing about 'the work' is that if you imagined another person talking to you in the way that work suggests for you to talk to yourself, you wouldn't be incorrect by calling them abusive and engaging in gas-lighting. It can create an adversarial relationship with your mind and heart. Make you your own enemy. I should also add that the work is perfect for the recovery from narcissistic tendencies, but that's not you is it...

Also please be careful with this attitude as it is as if you were saying 'I shouldn't need to feel safe', which is just a contradiction of your own experience and a way of denying yourself of what you need to emotionally mature, only because you were brought up by people who likely sent you that message as well, repeating a cycle from your parents.

@Elham Hi Elham. Sexual fantasies are closely connected to unresolved emotional needs. Your desire to 'change your sexual fantasy' is synonymous with wanting to resolve that emotional need from childhood - If I had to guess I'd tune in and actually say that what you specifically need is to feel safe, root chakra stuff. Probably your parents not the safest to be around at all times - look there. I heard a great quote by Craig Holliday - 'Sexual issues are usually psychological issues.' With you it will be specifically about exploring what you can do to make yourself feel more safe, your boundaries, your ability to have a choice in the relationship about what you want to experience even if it is different from your partner, and what you would like to do in bed that would actually meet that need for safety - it's not wrong to go in the direction of the fantasy because you're getting closer to feeling safe on an emotional and physical level.

@Cocolove I don't think there's anything wrong with natural and alternative remedies, yet there is something reeking of irresponsibility when the visit to the doctor is rejected. Go to a doctor, you're not obliged to take anti-biotics that is your choice, but only in that way can you know what's really going on and afterwards apply what-ever natural or alternative way of healing yourself ill be appropriate

@aaalex thanks! Really glad you liked it! Congratulations on your mature relationship! It’s truly wonderful to see that there is committed loving partnership devoted to the evolution of consciousness out there.

@mkrksms Hi man! I would really like to say to you that you don't heal a lack of security and trust in a relationship through exposing yourself to an insecure (polyamorous) relationship that makes you feel uncomfortable. The way you heal insecurity is through exposing yourself to a secure connection and saying no to anyhing that violates that secure base. I mean.. think about it. We develop a secure attachment with our primary caretakers when they are always available, safe, predictable and attuned to us and fully able to meet our needs. Through saying YES to a relationship that doesn't meet the needs of your security you're actually retraumatizing yourself and allowing that memory to stick around in your nervous system as if you were saying 'it's okay that it happened to me in the past as it is something I am reliving in the present an putting up with', without doing justice to the scared innocent child within you that doesn't know what it is to truly trust another from its past experiences. As if you haven't acknowledged and fully believed that you deserve better than the tragedy of your past.

@Vxvxen Thanks for the post! I appreciate it truly from my heart Very glad you liked it. I think the answer to your question is quite simple. You're never back to square one! Every relationship, every moment of grief, sadness, disappointment or loneliness opens you up into being more loving with yourself, and closer to creating a relationship with an equal partner that can embrace all of you just as you can embrace all of them. If there is a part of you that does feel like it's back at square one, it is more about embracing the feelings that are coming up that are perhaps leaving us feeling like a failure after an ended relationship, or an expectation that we should have been able to make it work, or that we should have been further along with our development etc. If you take those feelings and embrace them with a mindset, that they are actually a healing that is happening as a result of an ended relationship (I assume that's what we are speaking about), and are going to be of infinite benefit once fully felt and integrated, it can make it much easier to just settle into those uncomfortable moments, and feel your way into a better future.

Hi Joe, I appreciate your post. Thank you for the recommendation. Unfortunately the letting go that you speak of is the letting go that I mention as being divorced from commitment. 'UN-attachment' implies struggle against attachment. It is a state of rebellion. Certainly an important stage for many individuals to go through, as we are bound to re-experience the sense of personal-agency that we so desperately need to become sovereign individual beings capable of having loving relationships with ourselves and others. The trick in completing this stage lies within the question 'how deeply internally rebellious I can be so I can satisfy the internal craving for freedom and autonomy, without hurting or negatively affecting others around me'. When it comes to the true letting go, there is completely harmonious and committed relationship with attachment, as without attachment there would be nothing to let go of. Therefore the goal of letting go isn't a way of detaching yourself as some sort of an egoic-gratification that allows you to manipulate outcomes to your liking. Without attachment there wouldn't be a grief cycle, and without a grief cycle there would be no letting-go. Therefore letting go is the eternal doorway into emotional vulnerability. The more you let go, the more you will cry. It is quite ironic and beautiful. By the way I have noticed some of your posts on the forum in this section, and I appreciate your desire to help others and increase their wellbeing, but please bear in mind that when it comes to relationships, that is often where we become the most sensitive and emotionally vulnerable, and so perhaps if you could spice up your posts with a hint of sensitivity, I feel like my eyes would sparkle just a little bit more, for the sake of everyone you choose to affect. Thanks again for posting. PS: There is something hilarious about having Trump's book recommended to me. Thanks for that, I had a giggle.

No worries. It's wonderful to find information about attachment styles to really have a deep understanding of your own needs and behaviours in relationships. But don't get too hopped up on finding information, it's not really the key point. The key point is an internal re-orientation. The woman in the video (whom I adore she has the best attachment resource out there) refers to this as self-soothing, and it is such a game changer for you, that it it may feel odd and you will have a lot of resistance to it at first, which is natural and important to experience. But just know that that is the right direction for you. Approach it from the right mindset and don't be discouraged if it leads to frustration, anger, boredom and pain (especially abandonment and loneliness), those are all good (yet painful) signs.

@lukmi

@pregnantplatypuss hi! you ask some great questions. I would say that the paradigm of reward and punishment is by now undoubtedly either a failed parenting strategy, or the results of religious doctrines that have worked for thousands of years to motivated individuals through fear and guilt, rather than authenticity. So yes, punishment doesn’t lead anywhere. That being said, brutal masochistic serial killers might need prison-like solitary confinement to turn inward and stop inflicting pain onto others as a way of avoiding themselves. Every crime and illegal and harmful action should be met by the justice systems not as a way of punishing anyone, but as a way of ending abusive cycles and preventing further harm. It can be done compassionately, gently and mindfully, but not in a way where anyone is in danger or being further victimised by predatorial behaviours.

@Bratcat I’m sorry to hear that. I cant help but notice that this might be an opportunity to start building a relationship with yourself and step into more self-reliance. If there would be a reunion with your boyfriend in the future it would actually give him an opportunity to let go of the guilt he carries as you would take more responsibility for your own needs, and he wouldn’t have to assume blame and responsibility for your feelings from a guilt-motivated place. so really this can only be a win for both of you, even if it meant splitting up for good. With respect to any heartbreak and loneliness that may occur of course, as from this perspective it might authentically suck and feel unpleasant. That’s all fine, and deserves compassion and authentic expression.

@lukmi Hey Lukmi, I've been looking at this thread and browsed through the advice you've been given. From what you've mentioned, that you rely on sex to have an emotional connection, and that you generally treat your partners very well, it seems to be the case that you're an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. This means that in your body you predominantly carry wounds of rejection, mistrust and abandonment. If your girlfriends keep cheating on you, it is as if the wounds that you are subconsciously trying to contradict through your relationships as a way of overcompensating with romantic connection tend to sabotage your relationships so that they can be felt and resolved. Meaning you might be likely to pick avoidant partners who will feel suffocated in the relationship and cheat as a way of having a break from the sense of engulfment they feel (which isn't a healthy thing), you might often neglect and sacrifice your own boundaries, or even depend too heavily on your partner for emotional connection. I didn't list this to shame or criticize you in the least, but these are the challenges individuals with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style face. The good news is that through the pain you experience in your relationship, there lies a path to your healing. You just have to get into the habit of facing towards it and feeling it fully to completion so it can be healed, rather than face away from it. It is really about the willingness of feeling the emotions we tend to try to avoid. Otherwise you will subconsciously need partners that will treat you unfairly and unfortunately to reorient you towards the pain that is within you. You might as well take the leap and face it directly, and not ask the universe to throw another painful relationship your way.

@Bratcat Hey Bratcat. I am going to say something that might be a little bit challenging so please try to take a little bit of time to digest this. Your lack of trust isn't actually about your boyfriend. That's your issue. I am not saying this to justify dishonest behaviour and communication, but please know that the feeling inside of you that says you cannot trust has actually nothing to do with him. The lack of trust within you is actually triggering mechanisms that are more of a controlling strategy to keep your partner from abandoning you. It is quite possible that as a result of this your partner feels controlled, unsupported, criticized and unappreciated which aren't really great motivators to improve his communication with you. In order to move forward from your situation, you would be wise to start focusing more on yourself and your own needs and feelings outside of the confines of the relationship. - How can you meet your own needs? How can you be more independent? - and not as a way to 'get your partner more involved' but as a way of creating a loving relationship with yourself. The lack of security you feel with the relationship, while it does seem like an insecure relationship, is only a reflection of the lack of security you have created in yourself. It will not be found with your partner, until you address that wound within. If you do wish to communicate with your partner, which tends to be a very healthy thing to do, please do it in a way that is non-accusatory so your partner feels safer (your boyfriend sounds like someone who has grown up in a home of emotional unsafety and might appreciate this a lot). An example of that, instead of saying 'I feel like I can't trust you.' (which is an accusation), you can say 'I am having some feelings of mistrust bubbling up inside of me right now, if you could just reassure me a little bit that would make me feel a whole lot better.' Instead of demanding and accusing him of lying, you could say 'Well you know I've been feeling kind of neglected and this really sucks for me, and while I do understand that I can't make you be with me, I would appreciate if you could acknowledge my perspective a little bit.' This will not all of a sudden transform your relationship, but if you consistently follow up on not making things about your partner, and sticking to honoring the emotions inside of you as needing your attention, and not your partner's, it will create a possibility for you to have a relationship with yourself, which is the founding block of any healthy relationship.

@ivankiss what you described is a relationship where your capacity to heal and grow outmatches hers. It’s as if she was communicating to you ‘I’m so sorry but so can’t match you where you’re at, I’m too shut down and haven’t found the courage to open up.’ I don’t mean to impose a choice onto you, but realistically, if you choose to stay, you are dimming down your own capacity for healing, love and compassion just for the sake of keeping her company in her shutdownness. You already know what to do in your heart, you just wrote on the forum to gather courage and support in the choice that seems pretty big and scary. So here you go, receive the permission to be true to yourself, and the truth of the feelings speaking up inside you, without needing her permission. Please don’t wait for a permission from someone who’s too shut down to embrace accountability. Be your own authority.

I once was on a bus ride and I saw a baby (not more than one or two years old) and it radiated such a consciousness that it started transmuting lingering emotional pain inside of me that I was processing that day and I actually started crying, as if the soul of the baby was saying 'c'mon Martin, you got this'. And I was like, omg thank you Baby sensei, mighty starseed guru, your greatness and beauty are infinite master baby!

@ivankiss Hey Ivan. Don't think of forgiveness as something you will do for her. That is a form of self-betrayal. The truth is that you trusted her, and she broke your trust, and any feelings and implications of that are very real and valid. Forgiveness is the willingness to feel the pain and let it heal and free you. It is much different than being okay with what happened. Forgiveness is the ability to say, I am absolutely and completely not okay with what happened, and changes will need to be made to make this into a place of security and trust for me, be it the ending of a relationship, or a drastic change in communication, and yet I will not turn away from the emotional pain that surfaced inside of me as a result of this situation. I will heal, and I will make sure that I am being treated respectfully and honestly by my partner. If your partner isn't able to step into the maturity of genuine vulnerability, may the honesty you are willing to embrace about your feelings bring you into a deeper alignment with yourself, where you embrace the ending of the relationship as a gateway into a deeper surrender and emotional freedom. If I really tune into what you need, it feels like you need some space to digest your feelings, and a permission not to forgive at all. If you were to forgive too soon, it wouldn't heal the betrayal lurking inside your heart. So here's a healing mantra to get you started. I don't have to forgive at all, my trust was broken, and it is I who will repair it. Your permission not to forgive at all will eventually eliminate any possible toxicity that would be tolerated in your personal relationships.

these two are super dooper mega heartbreak, sadnesss, depression songs. Listening to these songs makes me sometimes feel privileged to experience sadness and melancholy. Especially Saturn

@ltp Take a piece of paper or a word document on your computer and write your anger out, raw uncensored, however evil, despicable or verbally abusive it may be. With anger it can be tricky. On a societal and relational level, we all kind of know that unleashing your angry self onto other people isn't very good, but it doesn't mean anger isn't an important and valid feeling that needs to be expressed in some way. Therefor expressing it in a way that doesn't hurt anyone is extremely important for emotional growth. Fun fact about anger is that any time you are angry, you are discovering a possibility for a personal boundary and an integration of your ego on a deeper level. As you release it, more of your emotional self is discovered. It is also a great way to increase your creativity and relax your mind, as it eases into relaxation through the detoxification of angry thoughts.

@DreamScape I kind of felt like channeling some healing energy, it's already flowing. And so I will tune into your energy field, into your question, and just feel out whatever I'm about to write, you don't have to think about it too hard, just feel it out. First of all, you're asking yourself some great questions. You don't have to get too ahead of yourself and start figuring out how to be the 'best parent', as whatever parental role you are to experience is going to be largely affected by the degree the consciousness you're embodying. It's not like a 'parenting strategy', and more of a 'the essence of who you are expressed as a loving parent'. Real authentic relatinoships can only begin by the grace of honesty. The first step of honesty is being honest with yourself. How do I feel? What is the honest real truth about it? What do I want? If i don't know what I want, what is it like to not know what I want? What is the best way to express the authentic raw and vulnerable truth that's inside of me? You can do this by just asking yourself and 'feeling out the answer', I would also recommend just writing out whatever comes up - not intellectually, but as if your emotions were writing the story on a paper. As you do this, you might eventually realize that there are some emotional wounds inside of you waiting to be opened up. The good news is that every emotional wound is a doorway into an unfulfilled emotional need that you get to fulfill through the healing of the wound. When I tune into you specifically, and into the question you mentioned about your relationships and 'somebody being out there to get you', I feel there are wounds of betrayal that you have experienced in your past. Maybe you were relying on your parents to take care of you, and what you were met with was disappointment and denial, harshness and sarcasm. I empathize because I intimately know what it is like to carry this pain. When it comes to the healing of betrayal, it's interesting to notice that the way we tend to cope with betrayal is through a mechanism called 'If I betray myself first, noone else will be able to betray me.' It is a way of re-enacting the reality of your past abuse onto yourself to keep the pain locked in. This can be remedied perhaps through the repeating of a mantra several times a day. 'I will betray myself no more.' 'I am the one who has my back.' 'I am a reliable ally onto myself.' Through establishing an inner alliance with yourself, and ultimately deepening the relationship with your emotions, you will eventually be able to let go of the feeling that someone else is there to get you. After all, who will be able to get you if you always have your back? But it all starts with you. 'I will betray myself no more, I have my own back.' Through this process you will be able to come into the recognition of your own personal boundaries, where an enormous reorientation will take place, and you will be able to be 'inwardly focused', and strengthen the inner glow of your soul, affecting the world around you from the inside in, like an eternal heavenly torch illuminating darkened corners, that are nothing but the lingering echoes of the 'self-betrayal' humanity commits on a daily basis. 'I will betray myself no more, I have my own back, and to all betrayed parts of me, I am sorry, I am here now, and you will be abandoned no more, I am fully here now.'