Sabth

This song is my Essence. Throughout childhood, adulthood, teenagehood.. but now not anymore. Only recently. It has ended. This song is a past. Now. ....

I sleep and after having a good sleep, I woke up feeling better. I just didn't know what to do the day before. Just thinking that I don't have work, and can't move forward, and couldn't get away from home whenever I feel like to. I feel like I'm trapped. I feel like my life is a waste. And I couldn't do nothing.

I am thankful for this paint. 12:07AM

I need to face this wall forever....

The kind of colours that grows on u.

I want maroon but it turns out red. 🌚 this is so different than I thought...

No. But I'd like to. I've only had a concert in my room that's the most that I'd do. Watching concert videos from my room . And sometimes I would listen to music from my room.

Listening to music out loud does make me feel a little better. But it doesn't changed my life.

https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSNu1JrhR/ I was laughing so hard at this

I don't know why I choose a red bedroom : It was supposed to be maroon bedroom but I choose this instead. RED And my father ask me to create a wall art. To decorate the new wall with my own work.

Waaaa I have finished this game, I can't believe it. I have finished healthy lifestyle and collect all 10🎉.

I tried to do this morning routine but realizes that my usual daily habits are better because I got sick afterwards.. maybe from the cold morning shower. I shouldn't shower early morning unnecessarily just the way I usually is. I should keep warm and do things naturally. I don't feel like it's a necessity either. "10 Ways to start off your day 1.Wake up at 4:30AM 2.Get ready and prepared for your morning or Isya prayer. 3.Pray Isya/Tahajjud/Hajat prayer until morning 5:15AM 4.Pray Your Subh prayer. 5.Get to shower. 6.Eat an icy cold mango. 7.Get back to your room and read a Yaseen. 8.Get ready to drive to your park or the stadium. 9.Skate to your heart content/till the sun rise. 10.Going back home and start your day. "

I had a weird dream I don't know... I had to kill a big bird because it won't stop attacking me. First I crack/fold it's wings until it break but his big beak won't stop attacking me towards the end. Then someone unplug it. Just like electrical lighting. And there was also a lamb/goat. Keep attacking me. But I remember killing the bird. I still got weird dream of the back neighbour and the blinds. It's truly weird. I do open up the blinds completely yesterday. .. maybe it's time for me to change my room yet again. Like back then. The other room had a smaller window. But I do once in a while caught looking at each other randomly there is no privacy. It was both our backyards. So we both want a reflective time on our backyard. But it turns out there's each other. It was never , had privacy. But we forgot and act as if there's really no one in our backyard it's funny. When early morning I just want to open my window. But there's someone sitting in his backyard reflecting. It was a long time ago. And there was a group of my mom's friends who brought me out of my room while I was sleeping. They woke me up. it's like a cult. And we read something. 3:41AM Taeyeon's album is coming out btw~

I have $160 with that person, I want it back.

I think whatever I do this room simply doesn't make it. It can't be good no matter what. No matter what I do to my room it is still not pretty. I think this house is old. And it is beyond repair. Whatever you do, however to make up the room . It's still... Unsettling. I am trying to draw my room from IG story. 😂 We used to have like the real plan of this house.

I keep on 6:36PM Nov 20th , 2023. Right now, at the age of twenty seven , I wonder where my life should be. Where I should be now. I should have gathered wealth, career, success, experience, love, children, 💟 and many more. I'm old. But with nothings much really. I have a few nephew and nieces. That's only it. They are loud and merrier. Now I'm twenty seven. I am no longer twenty two. I should have ... Can my life be really good?

In December 2018, I simply drop out from my school (by right, it was my third year university). So I don't go to the examination and the classes at the end of the semesters. Then, I took a study break. For a year. At this time, I was just focusing on something that's bothering me. So I was focusing on that. I went to three different places. Buy a lot of books and was learning "a lot" spiritually. I do everything that I'm curious about. I attend a weekly programme for months , in 2019. And I also attended other , retreat? I don't know what to call it. But it's basically learning religion for two weeks straight. And I meet someone whom I would deem a sage (usually/initially) and he gave me a book which I implemented into my life daily since then and it was a good book (but I've stopped doing this somehow) . Since it has been years before (2018-20xx) there was a time when I no longer had felt respect towards the said "sage" /englightened being. After a while, I realized that it is just me who looked at him highly. And that I should be careful. Because we're not the same. He actually bring me down instead of higher. Then I missed my education and my people . I remember walking away from this Madrasas to my home thinking that it's not for me. And later, I did go back to my university. In 2019. September. But, I have already changed so much. It take me a while to get back to it. I was really strange. I couldn't walk on the road or be with a group of people and feeling normal. It felt so weird. And I had to be taken cared of. Or I might get into accidents on the road. But anyway, towards the end , this is not even the end, in the middle of the semester, I withdraw. For the second time. I feel like I am like a zoo animal. Being watched by some. As if I'm some unique being. I got really repelled by my English teacher. He said something along the lines of "you don't see her everywhere" , "it's hard to see her" , damn. Like I'm such a special kid. And I was very , repelled by that. And I felt stupid answering the midterm examination writing all my thoughts out in those papers. I felt like an idiot. I wish I didn't. And I stop going to classes. I felt like everything is no longer worth it. It felt totally different than the generations before it. (Remember that I was from the previous batch? But I took a study leave and go the next year. ) It was all different. In the end, I stop going to university (classes) even this year. Until early 2020. When I told my mom that I no longer wanna do it. So that's when I officially go back. Flying back home. And I was doing just fine until 2022. I feel like I'm even high. But in December 24th 2022, when my mom was away, there was that whole hospital thing. I was doing fine. I never skip my prayers. I've always done my routine without skipping it. Im doing fine, but this is what they did to me. Since then, I never felt okay. I feel like I have something that I'm losing in life. I feel like I want or need work to fill my life. I feel like I want to study again. All of these things. Otherwise , I'm occupied with my spirituality. In my higher ground. But they f ing took it away from me. Holding my hands. I'm disgusted. Otherwise I haven't been touched by anyone.

No. Do what you're most happy with.

I must have been cursed by the seller and the courier.

I'm getting really sick . I don't know what to do . I'm just really sick

After all you've done you think peace is an option? Fuck. I think the Palestinians will only have hatred (and disgust) towards the Israel. They will forever be against each other to infinity. Both of them hate each other very much. . Not only Israel America too... 5:09PM 31Oct 2023. https://instagram.com/makkah__madinah?igshid=djdpNHVxZGY3MXNm Look at this stories. It's just chaotic. A lot of donation was made to them but it was for nothing. They are still in war. It was for nothing. Everything was for nothing. Middle east is for the Arab. Let it be for the Arab. I'm sure if the Egypt let Palestinians resides in the Sinai area and Palestine was given to the Israel, in the future Israel will even want to extend their land to Sinai too. (Because it's the prophets area/biblical.) And Egypt too would be non existent. You can't simply just change geography. 🇵🇸🇪🇬🇮🇱 I never seen a Palestinian flag was burned or step on to but Israel flag I've seen it a lot. So it create the image that Israel is the evil country. I don't see how it's gonna be solved. This : baitul maqdis They ARE HAMAS. THEY ARE ISRAEL. You can't get rid of them both. Palestinians are Hamas and Hamas is Palestinians. Israel is Israel. If you keep only the weakling then only the weaklings remains..

I don't know. It is just something I write a little while ago.

There was a job I think I'm gonna be good at, but that too I'm afraid that it would be too much for me. Or I'm afraid to apply for it because it's working long hours (12hours a day) . What if I couldn't make it? I don't think I have depression I'm just bored. And don't know what to do with life. As I got nothing to do. If I have a little bit of freedom to go wherever I want, I may have been in a better place/my mood would be better. As there are many places I could go to. But now, I'm stuck. I would hv to ask for my mom to drive me anywhere. Which is not often. Is 58 too late to get remarried? Social relationship influence . There was a time when I could see people changes with whom they spent their time with . And was repelled by that. If you are my friend then you can't meet my parents or it was a betrayal on your part. (Because they would start to act the same. Upon encounter. There is an integration, when I want you to be more original and authentic. ) Anyway I started to hate everyone who met my parents. Or there was such thing like i don't like my parents be with certain people. Because they would act the same /turns similar. You are whom you spend your time with/interact with.. so there are times when I hate my parents because they are with someone I hate. And I see them changes/influence each other or becoming each other. It was just a whole lot of a nightmare.. the way they speak and I see these. You just have to make a boundaries. This happened during the x And I see their voices started to sound the same. Now, everything had died out. I will cut even my closest people if they have been infected with someone I hate. Influence with. There was such a time. It just repelled me. I feel like I don't have freedom. How do I get my freedom again? I feel like I can't move. I'm afraid of my body deteriorating. 6:04PM May 9 Na nvmd~ I want my own car and a freedom to do whatever I want in a city I love. (Idk if I love my city now the city tht I live in now or if the city tht I love would be ideal to walk around instead of using a car.) But now, I wish I can go wherever I want. Beaches. Waterfalls.. (but the beach here got crocodile. Maybe not all.. ) idk. It's been a while.. But , is freedom really what I want? I feel like my life is lacking something now. Or slow. Or I'm gettin older. . Idk. 8:49pm now anything that I want to buy I would have to tell my mom. Huh? Do I lost my privacy?