Sabth

No I like this song. This song is timeless. 🤍

The song right now is this

And the Taeyeon had "Dear Me". Taeyeon's songs suits us back then. (Not only me but us). But this song is not for me now. It's for the child me.

I just saw this song right now : By Amber Liu. We both hate ourselves...

💗 I want to have a cute baby though. In the future. If I were to have a child. Way in the future.

@ted73104 how about a hot guy? (I'm a female) But rather than a hot guy I'm thinking more of what I want : Being a film maker. (To do this, I need a lot of starting money for equipments) To travel a lot . Or rather, to a few places. To be able to skate professionally /like a pro. To be able to do this also need a lot of money. I think I want to buy everything new. New skate, safety gears and a car. That's only it. For now. And if I'm rich, I wanna buy a lot of things. Only then, I think I will be able to love myself. Only then, I will have a personality. Right now I am just stuck.

5:12AM I dreamed something a little bad today. Someone in my dream told me that I was israel. And then I was in a work setting. And my supervisor told me to wear a thicker/brighter makeup. I don't know. But I don't like it. I like my natural makeup look. So I feel bad about it.. Now I have shower and pray.

I never asked them to find me a job. And I never talked about this. Telling them that I don't have job and that it is a problem to me. I don't think they can do anything about it though. So I won't. I'll look for myself if I want to. Work. Huh?

12:19AM 6Dec23 I got a nightmare. A really scary nightmare. Idk why. But it was really scary. Like my bro and my sister found a magic way of doing things. And there was also death. A few deaths. It was so scary. Idk why I got this dream. My x (didn't wanna mentioned her because it's too traumatic) jump/fall from a high building and as she fall and her mom had expected her death so she looked at it and saw the final fall, until the end, when her face hit the ground and splash. It died. So scary. And there was a guy, whom.... Someone did together with him everything, but he died. So she said it was all for nothing. As her "partner" /the person whom she did everything with in a university died. Then I met x in my dream. Everything was just simply bad. Then there was a ghost. This dream was about... Bringing back the dead to life. That's the magic. Then I saw my sister are sewing her own clothes. And it appeared pretty. Idk. Idk what is with this dream. And she dropped by somewhere within the university and left me and my sister in the car. Then something happened. My sister give one person a fifty bucks and then the car was surrounded by people. Idk. Idk why I got these weird/scary dream. On my first night sleep at home after my traveling. It was weird. I hope nothing followed me. Back home. I had already slept at 2pm today so it's not my first sleep. I can't remember what I dreamt but it's nothings weird or scary. But at night, I got these dreams. I wish everything was fine. Everything was fine. Idk why I have to see what I saw. It's too bad and traumatic. I wish nothings like it happened to my precious baby. I wish. 12:31

Now I realized that there is nothings like the love a family. Of my big family.

Now I'm thinking that I don't really like to stay here...

Now I feel bored that my sister are no longer around. I have arrived home and she left at the place that we're going. We went to her house. Now I'm home. Yo I'm home. I'm finally home. Somehow, I like my trip. With my relatives and in another states. Yesterday was really super tiring. I think it had to do with my clothes. I wear layers in a hot country and we walk a lot. I felt suffocated. And headache. But who cares I got this new clothes and items that I bought in the heat.

Today, I have arrived at my final destination. Tomorrow I will be back. Going back to my home. And my aunt said I look like a teenager. That she liked me. I don't know. I do am are like stunted. Never an adult. Maybe that's why. But the fact is, I'm 27. Today is my last night here. I am so tired. Tomorrow I'll be back.

Day 4 : Woke up a bit late today. We're going to check out our homestay at 12PM. We will move to my sister's house for one night. Then tomorrow we will go back to x. Then only then we will go back home. I've already had breakfast today. but it was not as good as yesterday's . But I'm feeling fine now. Everything's ready. I'm just waiting for everyone to come back and then we will go (checkout). This room is cold and nice. Bright.

I no longer felt hate myself today.

I feel like there is a lot of potential in myself but I am doing nothing.

Today I meet my future sister in law. I feel good. Really good. And was about to cry. I don't know. But it just feels like I finally had a little sister? Idk. Idk what to feel about it. Like meeting someone who's going to get married with my brother. I only had brothers in law before. But never sister in law. And today, I've met her. I'm a little tired today but everything was fine. I like my look. And its such a short event. So everything was good. I can't wait and I feel like I want to buy my helmet and safety gears in x. But the only day that I'm there (before flying home) is the day when the shop is closed. Monday. So I dont know . I couldn't buy it. I've come from far away. But couldn't buy it. I can't wait to get back into skating. But I won't skate without safety gears. So idk. Anyway, today was a success.

@Judy2 I don't know. I just feels like there is no progress in my life. I am stuck. In forever doing nothing. I still couldn't drive. I don't work, I'm not in a relationship, I don't have a car, I don't make my own money, I don't have a house. Despite being 27. And I'm so bad compared to everyone else. I just have nothing and are doing nothing. While others are growing. I feel left behind. Even my younger brothers and cousins have discussed marriage and stuff. But I am forever incapable. Of anything. I'm older. But I do nothing. I can't even do the things I love. Like having a great body. Or be healthy. I am getting weaker as I'm older. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I want to live in another country and work. If only I can become rich only then I will love myself. If I have a lot of accomplishment and freedom. To be an adult. To be able to do whatever I want. Even if I am not in a relationship. But I couldn't do that. I am stuck at home. And feel incapable.

Day 2 it was fine. I buy a new lip gloss. And some few things because I left it at home. A deodorant and a face wash. I have already put it in a plastic bag but left it at home. So I need to buy a new one. We went to the beach. To another homestay with a swimming pool(visiting an aunt) and went to buy things that I left. So yeah. We had a good day. I love today because it's raining. My mom bought breakfast early this morning. So far, I haven't taste something good except maybe the traditional dish that I like. My brother bought that traditional dish. So I have ate well today. 1 December 2023

They even bombed al Azhar university.

I feel so much like a loser. While everybody had gone through their life normally, I still didn't grow up well. And there's still a lot that I'm lacking. I just simply don't. I don't have work. I don't hv education or a degree and I never date or haven't got married. While everyone else going through their life normally. Having child. I don't even make my own money. Despite being 27. I feel like a loser. With nothing to do with my life. I don't know how I can ever change. I don't go out. I don't do anything. I dont have growth. I'm still lacking..I don't wanna be like mom. Who didn't work or make her own money. I feel like my family are so f'ed up. My sister's didn't work. Despite having a degree or a master. We just not fit for it. I don't know. I don't wanna be like any of them. But I don't know. I want to be like normal. I'm 27. I'll be 28 soon. With never work. I don't know what to do to make my life better now. How do I make my life the highest quality possible? What changes should I do?

Oh, no , this is actually my fourth time here..