Sabth

Yesterday, I made a very short lived reddit account. I have done like a few things in it. Like creating a private community on it. I only write a few things. And I sleep for a while. And when I woke up, it's all gone. So I deleted everything that was left on it. Like I may have made like a three post only. Did they have the ability to deleted my content as they wishes? It seems douchy to me. Why good things couldn't exist. Or maybe , when I woke up, I deleted one thing (latest), and the second post existed. And the first post or everything else vanished.

I hadn't verified my account that's why.

Somehow my feeling was, I write this yesterday and I had like the most intense feelings ever. I don't think there is any cure for this to those around me. Whose faith and feelings had been upon me. Idk. Even though I know exactly how I feel i kill the light. Love can be transported and the carrier of that love

Okay to suicide? Are we killing ourself? // There are traces of my s still but there are no traces of me. Is this dangerous ? Or is this not dangerous? I have one old enrich number which, the two last digit of it is equal to my now phone number. But , I have forgotten my email password for this since last year. And today without thinking much about it , I created a new one. I have been holding it on because I don't wanna create a new one. Usually, even though I have forgotten my email I can still use my enrich to book flights because my mom would do it for me. She only needs my number so I don't have have my own apps/account. So I would still use that old number to travel. But now, I did things by myself. Even though I've been withholding myself today I didn't think about it and made it. So today I got a new number which is , not equal to my now phone number even though this card had been made 2decade ago? Idk. My latest phone number is just from last year. And it had the same last digit as this old enrich number. Am I dying? It is so depressing looking at this. That was me who did that.

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I thought in my dream ; The battle is not over yet. And I saw people in my dream would want to be in the position I'm in. On reddit. When something doesn't feels right it's only because it ain't over yet.

I'm no longer going to use it if its going to be like this.

It even changes the day I made the account which is yesterday 17th Nov. To some July. Why?

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I don't wanna get into others mind which I already did and it ruined me. Too bad. I don't like being full. I don't like being skimpy & hungry either Everything just doesn't feels right. 9:30 . I feel like I want to vomit.

Someone wants me to forget my past

I really don't like to be forced. Or pressured.

What did I see? In my dream?.... If possible I don't wanna sleep. I fear.

Yk, when my grandparents are alive, we are moving very slow. And they teach me a lot. But when I have nephew /nieces we aren't like that.. and they are very destructive. Maybe we shouldn't have left our past to be alive. Maybe, if we had a lot more family, this will do. Like when I'm gone, there's more people or new generations that's doing what I do back then. It doesn't have to be blood related. Could be adoption . But the cycle must flow. Idk. Like I wish, Right now , when I think of a place that I went to with my grandma, I feel like I no longer wanna go there. Because with my grandmother's death, it would be the death of that place. I can't go there without her. It feels weird to be there without her. And I wanna keep moving forward. Exploring new places without her. Idk. Like looking back, it will make me sad. But she also appears a lot in my dream. Idk. The last time I went is more than a decade ago. While others have done it a lot. Idk. And it seems like they are very shallow. And things like people in my fam no longer practicing the religion. There is an evil force going around. Like a patriarchal force? Which didn't exist before. It's when you let some run rampant . I want my mom's kinda feminist back. It would be better if people mind their own business and are separated. Not marrying each other even between women . Like it was very damaging. And they kill everyone. Is it communism? We're better off not knowing each other. I need to show what my previous world were like. (It's not even a huge world but I already felt like dying. Maybe because they killed me ) Like stealing my things. Otherwise I would have all of the traces of the past... // Am I ruining you for saying this? If it was something that I said when I'm not dead it's fine. Because it is something that I believe and have strong standings on it. Not now. Anything I said now is just weak /deadly.

Year 3024 I barely think I'll be alive now.

Flashing before memories . .. I know with whom I liked most.

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It turns out red though.

Sometimes i doubt it other times i was very sure of it. I just dont wanna lose the quality of my natural hair. Idk if it were to grow back would it still be the same?

@Yimpa I did. And I burn my cheek a little.

@Sandhu I’m not working. I am also not married. My siblings who had gotten married should also live in their own houses because they have created their own fam. I dont mind brother’s fam though. And i told my mom that she didnt know how to take care of the house because when im not home my things are stolen.

But at the end of the journey I've met someone who's lower than me , ** ** I while later I dream right now even my brother's door the room that I'm in right now had been broken. And it can't really be closed. And the room that I was in back then, now my brother is in it. Had been raided by my sister's fam some people. And I dream that my siblings are bringing me in a car to all the places that I've been in before like places of the past. When I'm already forgetting it. I'm doing this for something valuable. But they're trying to bring me back. And I see them(sisters fam) touching my younger bro. Yk, it's like being assaulted upon being assaulted. And it spread. Like my younger bro looking up to my second sis. And then he would look like that to my youngest bro. And my things was still being stolen upfront in front of me. And they raided my room back then where all my things were stolen. And now my bro was staying in that room so he got raided. ** **

♣️ I never touch a man or anyone intentionally in my life. Especially during covid, we stop taking handshake or any contact. This is normal. And back then , I was quite pious. I believe in God and I pray and I was not sexually active and I read the Quran (like some surah everyday since I was young except when I'm busy. There are phases like that) and I have other practices. I don't like being touch as that would be like energy exchange. But then , one day when my mom was travelling and my two other siblings aren't at home (my another two didn't live with us, so the ones who live with us aren't at home ) there was a guest coming to our house. It was a male. And later something happened and these guys (my father and him) were holding me down. I was so pissed off that I thought " wouldn't my father alone would be enough to hold me down?" I don't even do anything or fight back because I don't wanna hurt myself. Before this, I wouldn't let anyone do anything to me. My father might have been a healer but I WOULD NEVER LET HIM DO THAT TO ME. Like I won't. Like my sister they would. They would let him do something to them.. but I won't. Because I have God. I believe in God and I am myself a healer so I don't want ANYONE TO BE ABOVE. ME OR GOD TO DO something to me. So I never accept anything. Or submit to anyone . Except God. Back then. That was my belief. Like I would have been a non Muslim if I would submit myself to anyone back then. And I was like this since I was a child. I can't remember when I'm not. I was born like this. And even when we went to some pious people houses, they would say that I already have God (my own God?) and they won't do anything to me because they respect my Creator? They said I didn't need it. So I never let my father do anything to me even though many others went to him. And he assaulted me. I was so pissed off. But I wouldn't move. And LATER , this guest's mom came in and try to do something to me too. Like they are pigs . If I was strong all of em would have been dead. I wanna punch them so bad. (This is not true. I was weak). And later this mom go away and it was just me and my father and this guy holding me in the living room. (Before I was in the kitchen) . And this is when I spit on their faces out of disgust. 🤬 And later though I couldn't remember it well (if he touch me too or not) but I told my mom and my sister to not let my brother in law to see me without my hijab. By this time they already arrived. My mom too. But they wouldnt listen to me. And they brought me to the hospital. In there , they would tied me to the bed. For the whole night and my hand was bleeding so much that there was blood all over my clothe. (From the needle at the back of my hand) In the middle of the night I managed to untied myself from the bed and can walk around. I saw everything. And I took the needle off of my hand. And more blood coming out. First , they have touched me. And then, they spilled my blood. And my father let another guy see me without a hijab. Now to make it even showed myself without a hijab to many more men. To not make them feel special. I don't want them being the only one who have seen me without a hijab. If you were me would you do this? I would ALSO, NOT WANT ANYONE , WHO ARE A scholar, or family, or in laws , or those who never seen others naked except their women , because these guys could have a different reaction to it and would be dangerous. There was a certain people with whom I don't wanna be seen without a covering with and others I wouldn't care. To some I would want to wear a full covering and to my x, if I were to meet them I would wanna still be the same. Not wearing it. Like we used to be. So, this is not too easy. And when I'm travelling , I would wanna still feel freedom. Somehow. Sometime. But I don't wanna be without a full covering in front of my brother in laws... And I never did without it. It has always been like this. (Which is quite recent.) And I had a bad experience with showing my normal self to a guru? Scholar? Idk. Lead? Idk. But I wasn't wearing a full covering and had wished that I would later on. (There was a girl who did it and I asked her why ? And she said because of meeting the guru. And I didn't understand why. And now I do. She said she only wear it to meet him. Not outside. And there are several people who did that. ) They can be creepy. Telling me that just by knowing you name they could pull me. All you need is someone's name. But with God nothing could harm you. I went with my bro so it wasn't just only me. And now I wanted to dyed my hair pink. And I would do what's comfortable to me. If you were me would you open your hijab even though a guy or two had abused you and see you without a hijab even though you're not willing of it. Like forcing you. Would you still wear a hijab even though someone had opened it you know like something that had been done cannot be undone. It can only go forward. Like what have been done cannot be returned. Even if I wear a hijab I would already have been without a hijab. That day. But I don't wanna be open in public. I would still be wearing shaggy clothes here , at least here , where I am. And be subdued. Do not tell me to do whatever I want . I want to know the Truth. If you were me what would you do? I can no longer keep up with being a real Muslim. They had touched me and a non mahram guy had seen me without a hijab. I don't want him to be special so I open my hijab to a lot more other men. To feel normal. Would you? But not everyone. V

I am not saying that I am always safe. Or is still safe.

Including those with whom you interact with on social media. I don't usually like it. And I never interacted with certain group of people until yesterday. And I guess that leads to something unwanted. Do not talk unless someone is higher than you. (?) They suck your good energy in exchange of something bad. Or they're gonna bring you down. Be with people whom you already know. Who created you good energy if you are already good. Idk. It feels bad. ? And I think I need to go back a little bit. If your life is balanced between male & female , do not talk to those who are not balanced (like only had a male group /only female group. ) idk. Cuz I was uncomfortable. And it might bring you to their level. When your level , was completely far off. Like I saw , my mom touched my sister while she's half naked. And she shows her body to us. That is def against my religion. And I was never sexual with the girls /women I meet. The only thing I do is having a fav singer x. I had older sisters and she's like my older sister too. But it has always been pleasant. Sometimes , this is why I do not like to interact with married couple. Except back then , when they respect me (respect our boundaries ) like my oldest cousin, she would be very matured I was eighteen and she had a daughter. I love those who have a daughter. Maybe because both of my sisters have a son . So (the other only had a son) they lack a woman or daughter in their life. So maybe that's why they turned sexual with the women in their life. If people is not sexually active it's fine. And I think this can be felt. Like all of my fav people are pleasant to be with. (My might be subjective ) And I do not like it when my married sisters went to my mom's room. Like it's inappropriate. It's a master bedroom. And my mom had been without a child for long. So she is pure . She had good energies. So I don't like it when they went into my mom's room back then. And a married people can't live in the same house with another more experienced married couple. Like a house for each? Idk. But I think my parents was a loser back then. They allowed another two guys to live in the same house as them. Idk. It would just felt very messed up. And after my eldest sister and my youngest brother move out, they steals from me. This is what I meant by they no longer practicing the religion. Like if my father aren't at home , my brother in law can't be at home too. By right. But they didn't care about it. There's nothing I can do about it. And I do not like taking people's choices. I should see the sign and walk away. My mom had two pictures of two guys in her room and I think I had only talk to her about it once and she didn't removed it so it was my last. It's her choice but the thing is , if you had bad neighbours they tend to bring you down too. It's such a pity. Because now I've lost my wealth. They raided my room and do as they wishes (I didn't know who are they. Probably everyone) they're rackus. If I were to have a son, then the father better be someone whom I really would wanna duplicate. (I don't want a son. Lol)