Sabth

My childhood friend's father died today. One by one my father's friends died. And later we will be left alone in this world.

I hate myself. I wanna grow into someone whom I would love. I hate myself. I don't know why. But I hate myself.

I valued my (1)wealth My (2)eyes That's all. My (3)Peace Maybe my (4)beauty. I will only wanna procreate with good looking men. And he has to have a good education or we'll be fu*ked. Because I don't have a good (5)education. So my child may be in a bad place. Idk. I valued all the good things. (6)Integrity, etc. basically, I think an Arab have it all. So I may want to move towards that direction. (7)Chivalry. (8)Nobility. 9.God 10. Freedom (this will require a lot of money. Think of an open field. ) Stay

Of course I will never be able to change my life. I will be forever stuck in this city for years to come. I can't go out, I can't go back to my childhood place. I will never make money in my life and forever not have a career. I will be stuck in this city living minimally until the day that my parents died. And God knows what happen next. There will be no change in my life. Maybe I'll grow old with my youngest brother after he came back after he finishes his studies. Who knows when . Or maybe he'll get married.

4:39AM My life is calm these days..

There is no safe beach in my state. It was an island. Last year we still go to the beach, but then they found a crocodile in that beach sometime later. So we could no longer enjoy the sea. It is not safe. Maybe I could go to the east or south of the island. The least that I wish for in this place that I'm living in right now is to have a car and being able to drive. And to be able to jog every morning . That's the least. But I couldn't. People who are my age have worked and drive around (that was a few years ago) now they must have been more experienced and evolved. While I'm stuck in my place. Still was drive by my parents.

I'm located in the place that I was born into. (But I grow up in different place) now I'm back. When I'm back, I have moved houses at least three times. And now I've been in this house since 2010. (Then there are five years when I'm living in a different state) but now I'm back. I'm not surviving. This place is a small place. I wish to live in a place where I had more freedom. I'm living with my parents since 2020

I really, couldn't do anything.

I want $56k.

When I was younger, I got annoyed with someone's breathing too much. They're breathing too loud.

I can't wait to sleep every night because I'm waiting for my dream. My dream contains symbol and truth in it. I usually predict something that was about to happen in my dream. I like my dreams and last night especially, I was waiting for my dream. I couldn't sleep during the day. 1:36AM

I really feel like my eyes is ruined now.

I'm really sad today..

I don't have any qualifications. Unlike my siblings. There's nothing that I could do. My mom still pays for my shopping and she still the ones who drive me. There's nothin that I could do. Despite my age.

@funkychunkymonkey hey you are young.

The least thing that I want to be able to do at least is driving and to have a car. My life is really bad now. So bad. And soon my younger brother who was just married will move into this house. All my siblings had already getting married and they will come/stay in this house. This house is ruined and messed. Except me and my youngest brother, all my siblings are married. I don't know. I couldn't do anything. Right now, I am not doing anything. I couldn't go out. I couldn't drive. Etc. my life is really bad. I want to hike but don't have money. I want to jog but couldn't. There's nothing that I could do.

https://youtu.be/ABpYcuIkh4A?si=yDk0MK6rJjsYWf3V

My eyesight is no longer good. Not as it used to be. So I can't be grateful for that either. It's one of the reason I don't like life anymore.

There's nothing that I'm grateful for.

@jimwell, you know I no longer had a dream when I left university four years ago? I barely even leave the house. I'm stuck. Maybe it was because I'm old. It started a few years ago. Otherwise I would really enjoy music. But there was a time that I would think that music is just very noisy to my ears. And it just hurt my ears listening to music. Otherwise I would really enjoy music back then. I think it was because I had different things to do back then and music is just something I would listen to as a reward at the end of the day.

Idk. I wanna stop listening to music and see how my life goes. There's not even good music these days. So it wasn't hard even if I wanna stop. But today I listened to a lot of music. *Wasn't even hard.

How can I improve my life?

If I could do everything well together it would be a bonus to my life. Music would be a cherry on top. That's what it used to be. Or am I way too distracted?

I don't know why I wanna hike. It's a hard thing. The last time I hike was probably in 2013/2014 where I hike quite a bit. But not as long as this. So I don't know. I don't know why I wanna do it. But I want to go to Mount Kinabalu.