Sabth

I feel like I am more lonely now.bif I have work or make a lot of money I think things would have been better. But I don't have work. So I am feeling bad about my life.

I think like I am having a worser life now, my nights are lonely. Now I woke up at 3:19AM, wasn't really sleeping properly, the lights was on, and I got a few dream while not having really sleeping. In my dream, my youngest brother still remain a child. A young kid. While in real life he is already a 21 year old. But I always dream him in his young childhood self/body . Idk why. We live away from each other and he didn't take the normal route for school. He took a different path. He didn't have a high school. He did a different thing. And in this dream, we are preparing to go out . And I just don't wanna go out. It involves my mom and my other brother and some relatives. It doesn't give me a good feeling. Idk. I feel like I'm stuck in the past. And I don't wanna go. I want to remain at home. Idk.

What can I do on my own by myself to earn a living?

March 2024 Passport ♣️ Countries I wanna go to : Japan (concert) New York Canada Egypt Saudi Arabia South Korea (In two years) Places I wanna go to in the past Thailand (concert) Australia (concert) Kk I know exactly what I wanna do in these countries.

I look best when I was raised by my parents. Then on my own. Then now idk. If I were to make one I would certainly make it here. And see what it will look like. Would it still be the same as 2013? I wanna make a new passport now. Gotta tell my mom.

I wonder how I would look like if I were to make a new passport again. The 2013 one looks good then the 2018 I have looked much worse. So I'm curious to see how I look now. Would my picture be better or worser? Than all those

My life could have been good but it wasn't good. 2013 could even be my bad year. Instead of going back (to the middle east) we go (to the middle east but just not the country I was in back then). It was so close but far. I can only see us separated by sea. We went to x after I finished high school instead of x. Is that a mistake? Both of those countries I have been to in the past. So both are my second time. But instead of x , we went to x. It could have been. My childhood home. But we went to a different place instead. While it was fun, I still had this long intention/wish that I had since I was fifteen, that was still unfulfilled. And we do everything but that. Now it has even become stale. This is when I was seventeen/going to be eighteen.

Or is it 2020?

The only thing that fucked up my life is 2022. December 24th 2022.

I think everything until 2018 , is just right. It was my right decision to stop going.

But what I want. Is never coming . I want to be rich. (Dior, Roberto Cavalli, Celine, I want to wear only expensive things and buy expensive skincare and something for my physical heath. Supplement , and everything that I need for my body. Medication. I don't have the greatest physical health right now. I wish I could be better. I wanted to travel. Not every places but to some that have importance to me. I don't wanna just travel the world. But I want to go to places that are significant /dear to me. Over and over again. Right now , my mom always says that we don't have money to travel. And I don't. There are several places that I wanna go to. If possible I wanna have a house in different places. Idk. But I don't wanna live here. I do wanna live in other state. And I wanna be able to attend the concert of my favourite artists and create memories. Later we will be old and this era would be missed. And I've missed it. I wanna be able to enjoy it while it last. We will become old soon. I wish to attend their japanese concert. I could have. But didn't. I wonder if I could go. I didn't in the past. I don't wanna do all these when I'm old . (Travelling) . I wanna do it now. No I wanna do it back then. When I was young. My dying dream. My life is worthless. I don't make any money. I don't work. The money that I got as a child I buy gold. But it was stolen. I don't make money my life is really lame~ A definite purpose backed by a burning desire for it's fulfilment. A definite plan, expressed in continuous action. A mind closed tightly against all negative and discouraging influences. A friendly alliance with one or more persons who will encourage you to follow through with both plan and purpose. Actually I don't have much of a purpose now as I did when I was a child/a kid. Back then my purpose is just to be normal. I want to have a house which address I keep a secret from my family. I wish for a studio apartment. Just to store all of my private things. All my artworks and stuff. My personal items. But all of these dreams are gone. My things are stolen in 2022 before I could have any of these. It's cruel. Really cruel. I don't wanna live anymore. And I even think of having a child back then. I want to have a child without having a father. I don't want a marriage but I want a daughter of my own. (Back then.) Idk. I think I would have win a lot if I have a child back then. Then I want to go back to my childhood home. This had been my dream since I was fifteen. That's all I ever want. I thought I could have it all. Being independent. Driving my own car. Working. Just a normal life. I thought when I became an adult I could be all these. But I still couldn't do any of those... In 2018, when I was travelling with my family to the middle east, I've promised myself that I would NEVER AGAIN TRAVEL WITH MY FAMILY. I hated it so much. I hated travelling with my mother. It was so bad. We had a fight. And I found it very toxic. But then I went back. Going back to my university. It was my last year in my university that I was normal. Throughout 2019, I've been trying to keep it still, but at the end of the year, I couldn't keep it anymore and finally dropped out. I don't know. I've tried to preserve it. It was me who withdraw. I didn't get a fail or a bad marks but it was me who withdraw from all the classes. In 2018. Then I took a study break. Then I get back in in 2019. But then I withdraw again on my third year. If I could go back in time I would have had focused on my study instead of being distracted by my family. If I could go back. I would have followed out my intuition and gut feeling. Well maybe both are important . I don't know which are more important. I was pulled out from every angle. This is my life back then. First I don't wna leave home. Then I went to a lot of family travel at the cost of my "studies" and that's when I failed. But I wouldn't wanna have missed it either. You could say that my mom didn't care about my studies either. I went to a lot of outside thing. And missed some classes. Sometimes. Getting late. Idk. Everything comes at a cost. But I can't be any other way too. One ,two, three, four. But the fourth one, I think it's fine. Then I would follow my family on vacations. Maybe I wasn't serious enough back then. But there are times when I was forced to attend. Without my will. And things gets ugly. I wasn't doing both world good enough. Ng. But God knows how many times I have travel again with my mom.

My sister is on her fourth child while I am on zero. While I do feel like I want to achieve other things first, I think I am getting late.

I dream that my father died. It was so sad. But I was in a mental hospital so I couldn't see him.

Too bad that it's far. This nail salon is two hours away from Incheon airport, Korea. There are so many ugly nail studios but this is pretty~ Would I get the same result if I were to do it on my own? Prob not.

This is so old (omg) but somehow I remember it now. ♣️

Taeyeon look prettier as she age. So it's not impossible. I'll try to be like her. I always wanna be as fit as Taeyeon. As successful as Taeyeon is in her career. Mastery. She became better as she did her solos. She's good in her solos. But right now I am in no position to do these. I have no one supporting me. I needed people (or someone) to live a healthy life with everyday. No one is gonna do this with me in my family. I've been stuck for years. It's so hard to walk. Treadmill, gym . Or basically anything. My mom is overweight. Others are just. Not good.

I'd be satisfied with $110k.

Can I be rich?

No I look best when I'm 24.

I want to appear, always young or if anything, way better than when I am seventeen. But of course I look best when I'm eighteen. Or eleven. But now.... 😮‍💨

.

The more I laid out my plans , the more I hate my life. Because of how impossible it is.. I just hate my life.

I hate my life.

I feel so demotivated right now I think I should read this book again.

What would an ideal life be to me?