theleelajoker

OK so I can't say for your particular case of sexual abuse. Don't know if it's helpful if I just say what helps/ helped me to deal with difficult experiences/ trauma?

For me - in this current phase and state -it's exactly this subtleness. I don't really think about it until there's a situation, a conversation and then there's this subtle return of recognition: Ah, yes. Ah, yes, that again. Alright. Ok yeah I did not think about it, I was in "functioning mode" - but I can't forget entirely"

@shree Not going through the same, but one experience that might be valuable. So few years ago: since a few months, my life was going great, everything seems to fall into place automatically, I was riding a wave of good vibes. Lots of sports, looked and felt as good as never before. I felt like I just need to think about something and then magic happens for me ✨ So I meet this girl, I find her very attractive, she liked me too. After a while, we wanted to have sex at her place. We just started and then her roommate disturbed us (he was into her and jealous) two times. We we're not in the mood for third try. Ok shit happens. Next time we meet in a hotel (I was traveling), we have good time , she's naked in front of me... no boner. I really liked her, I found her very attractive, but...no boner. Very unusual, maybe happened 2-3 times my whole life, especially sober that's very unusual. Ok I am frustrated but shit happens, next time then. So we meet another time, have a good time, same situation. We are in bed, she's ready to go but..no boner. Now I am getting crazy frustrated. AGAIN? WTF is going on? THIS IS NOT NORMAL!!! And at this point I realized what the problem was...and it's very close to what @Princess Arabia wrote: anything can happen and you don't have control. I realized: Things were going so good for me that I became arrogant and thought I have control over life. Especially with girls, even before meeting her, I never had that much success with women before. I took things for granted, became arrogant. So then life puts this beautiful, really nice woman in front of me....and shows me that I control NOTHING. Not even my own dick. Felt like life teaching me a lesson, life humbling me. After this insight, I went away from frustration and towards acceptance. YOU HAVE NO CONTROL. Luckily there's a happy end - fourth time meeting it worked, started with a half-hard dick as I was still in my head because of previous attempts but we had at least mediocre sex lol. Also, it likely played a role that I cared about her more than I did for most others. Which points towards (subconscious) performance pressure as said above. Here's the good news - she did not care about it, we kept seeing each other for a while, the sex got better and it ended for different reasons. Since it has been going on for months re you there's good news: First, you certainly found ways to have fun using other body parts and toys - valuable skill IME Second, she's still with you. Meaning she accepts you as you. Very good news re long term potential IMO. Third: It will pass, pretty sure

I think it's a mechanisms oh reality. For sth to enter your life, it needs to be connected somehow to sth previous. It's not really meaningful per se, the meaning is created by you and not in the event itself. A guy once wrote here "reality is a simulation created around you" - that's a good description IME. I attached meaning to it in the past, now I do it less and less and just see it as a mechanic reflection and connection to other stuff in my life.

At first I voted "don't know". Then I started typing the reasons for my vote. After a while I realized it's "yes" and changed my vote. Compared to some months or years ago, there are situations where I can't take people as serious as before. As of today, it's more subtle and not as present as it was e.g. directly after last meditation retreat, and it was not like that when I started my "spiritual work". But all in all: yes my empathy decreased. Not as in sharing and understanding the feeling of others. I still can do that, and connect with others, even more than before all spiritual stuff. But sometimes I notice I care less because I see more the form, more the universal "it" and less an individual in front of me. There is a situation I remember that perfectly illustrates my experience: Few months ago, there was a networking event, and I got to know a girl. She was nice, we had a really good conversation and clearly connected on many topics. More than you usually do when you just meet someone new. I liked her, but not in a romantic/sexual way she was "only" good company. I think at some point she was checking what kind of interest/intention I have & what kind of connection we have. Because it's easy to misinterpreted good conversation, connecting etc for romantic interest. So she asked me if connect like that with many people. I said yes. It was true because I was still in a very open state after last meditation retreat. And in this state connecting and quick bonding happened almost automatic for me in many situations. I could then feel a shift in her voice and energy, and it didn't seem to be her but felt like something deeper talking. She then said: "If you connect to many people like that, doesn't it then become very arbitrary?" When she said it, it hit me instantly. She was right. Yes it does become arbitrary. Because it felt like I'm not really connecting to her as an individual human being, but more to a reflection, a form, a universal..."it". It didn't feel special. I didn't really notice the "abitrary" effect before she said it, but I became aware of that when she did. I came down from that intense state since last retreat, but sometimes this recognition of "oh ok there it is, it's just "it" in a new form, it's a reflection, it's not special" comes back. Happened just two days ago with a random guy I met. It's still nice, I'm thankful for meeting people & connecting with them. Clearly better than not meeting and not connecting. But I care less about it. That's why I voted "yes". Wished it was different. But it is what it is.

I don't believe this is true. What about Luka Doncic for instance? This guy is famous for having incredible fun on and off the court. Same time, he is super attached to specific outcomes. Just watch him in games, his competitiveness. You can now say "it different with dating". Nah, it's not. I can have fun BECAUSE it matters to me, because there are some emotions. You are right about "not forcing things". But this whole "being emotionally detached stuff" is overrated. It's simply about finding the right balance.

In the last months, through meditation and psychedelics, my own idea of a "self" changed. I believe to see parts of me in others and synchronicities pile up. I can see how information travels beyond physical limitations and how other people entering my life reflect my inner world and personal experience to extreme levels, almost like looking into a mirror. Other people tell me things that are tailored to my specific situations. I could go on, but bottom line is: For me, there is a increasing feeling and perceiving of "oneness". So, I find myself more and more in a state where I perceive communication on two levels: I talk to the ego person in front of me, to the physical limitations of time and space I talk to ..well, I don't know what but something or someone beyond. And energy field that flows through everything and that is not limited by time and space It's kind of strange because it's almost like I can feel whenever I am listening or talking more to the first or the latter. For instance, I know a guy for years and then suddenly he surprises me with some stuff so deep that is so much beyond every expectation that I am literally shocked. Beyond the content, sometimes I also believe to perceive a change in the voice, the tone of the person talking to me. At times it feels like I am talking to my subconscious on a very deep level. Maybe I am projecting, OK To find out if I am or how much - any opinions on that? Similar experiences? Or even if you don't have similar experiences, how do you approach communication with others while at the same time you either experience or have experienced some kind of oneness in the past?

You can dip your baguette in the cream..LOL

I get what you point to. But to have fun, you need to care somehow. Imagine a game where you care zero about the outcome.

What I am pointing to is that girls might be less like ice cream if they didn't mean nothing to you.

+1 well said IMO

What kind of feedback are you looking for?

@Something Funny Wait until he falls in love ; ) @Schizophonia When was last time you have been in love?

Contemplating is great. My lesson is that sometimes the solution is also just stored in your organism, nervous system. Sounds like classics freeze reaction, and the thoughts are a consequence of past experiences stored in the body. One week of good sports, stretch, sauna etc was more valuable then 1 year of contemplating and understanding.

I felt like that at times. Nihilistic, life is pointless, going in circles etc. The phase passed. You actually don't need all your needs met. Sure some survival basics are necessary (safety, good, shelter) because I would not talk like that if I spend 24/7 in some trenches or close to starving. But needs will never be met all the same time. It's crucial to accept that there will always be a "lack" without seeing it as lack. As in "ok I am hungry know". Nobody complains about getting hungry. You get hungry , you get your food. Then you're good, and then you get hungry again. You can't experience the joy of eating and feeling full without feeling hungry before. Life is also a great opportunity to create and to experience. Likely this phase will pass and I will be more nihilistic again. Until that passes. I learn that a lot of negativity, suppressed emotions was stored in my body. Releasing this helped.

When I meditate, during yoga, pilates or when I sometimes just relax, I get spontaneous muscles twitches especially in the neck and jaw area. In the evening alone I can open up to it, jut sit and be still, and let the body do its thing. But in everyday life I need to hold a bit of tension in the body so people don't look at me weird You can go for the "kundalini" and "spontaneous kriya", the spiritual stuff as explanation. But there is also normal physical life where it's simply strange, uncomfortable nervous system stuff and I rather not have it.

@bazera Ok got you. Yeah I agree re you need the structure stuff. You might come to the conclusion that you don't care about appearance and socializing, so the structure of "why" overrides content. IME: Solitude can help answering these questions yes. But so can socializing. Yeah when I was in a similar situation, I tried to do XYZ to improve my situation. Helped a bit here and there, but there was no magic button. Healing power of time and auto-adaptation will happen eventually IME.

@bazera Ok got you re the doritos. What exactly you mean with looking at structure vs. content?

Sorry to hear that. Life can be very hard, depending on circumstances, clearly. It's relatively easy for me to talk about happyness of kids vs. adults as I live in a Western country without war and with lot of freedom. But you can experience lots of BS and still find something in it, Viktor Frankl comes to mind. Could I do what he did, find meaning in all this cruelty? I don't know, but he could which is IMO a nice pointer.

Like what? Not following

Yeah I approach something similar. Had a mushroom trip recently, and in the afterglow of the trip I saw a sunset like I see it for the first time in my life. Was with two friends and they just shrugged their shoulders. One other day, I complained about lots of stuff in my life, about some things in my city and only afterwards I realized how negatively I filter and how much great stuff I leave out in my assessment. Lot's of programming in our culture to complain and to take things for granted. Will be fun to change my attitude, I will re-call the "uuuuweeeehhh" girl when I wake up next morning this little girl was simply amazing! : ) I think it can be choice, but before you need to (re-)discover that it can be a choice. I remember moments where it was simply not possible for me to make that choice. Too much stress, too much fear, too much tension in the whole body.

@bazera I find value in your posts, too. Thanks for the exchange : ) Good idea IMO with the acceptance stuff, same I am doing. Just be careful with the "flaw" and "working on yourself" parts. I DEFINITELY get what you mean, it's good to grow and evolve. But there will ALWAYS be something, you know? Self-development and self-improvement can become an infinite trap. The HOW you want to change is very important IMO. Example: Let's say you do all the things above, you're happy in a new relationship. And then your best friends says "What you are still monogamous with your gf? You did not evolve to open relationship yet? It's just your ego telling you that you can't share". So you identify this as your next flaw, push yourself to be comfortable with open relationship. You do that, then your second best friend says: "What you are still in open relationship? You did not learn to be happy with just the one women you love? It's just your ego seeking stimulation and approval from others" You might say I am exaggerating but i I don't think so. From own experience, and seeing it with others. You can be in infinite fight and conflict with different aspects of your personality. Willpower can only go so far IME to deal with it because you can't trick yourself for long. I wrote about a dream recently, here in this forum, where one character in the dream was literally giving me allowance to do something? Since then I have been thinking about the IFS stuff (only heard about it so far). I never took it serious before or thought it doe not apply much to me. But I changed my mind. Here is an extract from Richard Schwartz's webpage: Is there just one “you”? We’ve been taught to believe we have a single identity, and to feel fear or shame when we can’t control the inner voices that don’t match the ideal of who we think we should be. Yet Dr. Richard Schwartz’s research now challenges this “mono-mind” theory. “All of us are born with many sub-minds―or parts,” says Dr. Schwartz. “These parts are not imaginary or symbolic. They are individuals who exist as an internal family within us―and the key to health and happiness is to honor, understand, and love every part. There is also another book from John C Lilly, very different style, topic and person. He sees a human bio-computer with different programs running. Cultural, personal and biological programs. And then there is a "Metaprogramm", a "observer", a "decider" and "evaluator" that can be aware & decides what subprograms "are desirable & useful" and which are "not desirable & useful". So we have potential to change our subprogram, but there is also a "Meta-Metaprogramm" that can observe our Metaprogram, right? So how does this "Metaprogramm" talks to us? How does it make decisions? What are the criteria for "useful"? How got the "Metaprogramm" programmed itself? Love or fear? Pressure or inspiration? Integration or separation? Judgment or assessment? Suppression or opening? Being present or pushing away? Am I having fun, or does it feel like "must change"? It's basically about "learning how to learn" and "learning how to change", programming yourself on how to program yourself. What we interact with in our head is often the Metaprogram, but who programmed it? It was not a conscious creation process, it was copy-paste and imitation from family, it was TV, it was marketing, it was social media, it was school, university and social circle. Differences in Metaprograms become for instance more obvious once you lived in a different culture for an extend time. Example 1: Is this the only way? Rough and tough? Or learned behavior? How can it be 5% more fun? How 10% more light? Sure, it can be rough - but always? What program tells me it's always rough? Where did I get it from? Is this program, this idea still useful? What happens if I believe the opposite? What new behaviour and actions could come out of this? (not saying I can always turn programs around in my mind instantaneously. Learning myself just started reading his book two weeks ago. .but what if I believed I could turn my programs instantaneously? ) Example 2: So how does it make you feel when I tell you - or you tell yourself - that you need to work on yourself? Feels somehow right? Feels familiar, yes? That's what you grew up with, an impression family or culture instilled somehow in you? Does it confirm your (subconscious?) believe that you are not good enough THE WAY YOU ARE RIGHT NOW? I mean, at least there is someone else agreeing that you are not good enough and need to change right? So we can all agree you are not good enough, and only will be good enough in the future if you change XYZ. Chase the carrot please. Would it feel strange to think "I am actually great exactly the way I am right now, and I am proud how far I have come given my circumstances in life?" (If you disagree to all the questions above, then you can obviously ignore my arguments here haha In this case, continue doing what you're doing and enjoy life! ) I am not saying "don't change, don't reflect etc" - it's obviously important. Just saying the HOW to approach change and life in general is crucial. And the Metaprogram is typically not fully conscious to us. I see it with people all the time. I don't see it re myself. Then I talk to a friend, he gives me a few pointers and I am like "uuuuups I did not notice how my program operates until now" From reading your message it just feels that you put a lot of pressure on yourself to change many things. On first glance, first impression, with limited information of course - too much pressure. Sense of humor for instance - IMO don't get that so much from changing anything, but rather not changing anything and then laughing about it. Yeah it's also good to be emotionally more mature, but maybe a girl likes you exactly BECAUSE she finds that cute, or because it allows her to be emotional herself? Same with body composition, I know a guy that goes to the gym a lot and he said "bro it's not as great as you think many girls are intimidated if I look "too good". So yeah being healthy is good, but watch out HOW you metaprogram yourself in relation to change. Difficult to put into words, hope you get my point. Of course, saying this I also re-read my own post above and honestly need to check if I am doing the same, putting pressure to change instead of integrating LOL. It's easier to see on the outside. This guy has a nice guideline - "self understanding instead of self improvement" - resonated quite a lot with me. Finally, bug or feature? You could say that consciousness could be anything, why a world full of war, rape and famine? So humans could be "flawless", too? But what would life then be? But that's another topic 100%. Fucking sucks. Fuck the retrospect, in this very moment it's just a big shitty mess.

My POV as of now: It's all one, there is only one "it" that exists, everything that is happening exists in one "mind" - but others are not NPCs. They have a quality of "aliveness". I feel alive, and whatever or whoever I am interacting with is "alive" as well. It can take infinite forms, but it's alive. They way I understand solipsism it also a dual black/white thing.Is it's "only my mind that exists" or is it "more than my mind"? We can only make this statement with language, so before languages there was no solipsism. Language is interesting in many aspects. For instance "could have, should have" and subjunctive. Erase all those from your thinking and talking and life becomes a different experience

Today there was a mom and her young daughter in the sidewalk. The girl was on a tricycle, and with every push forward she smiled broadly and shouted "uuuuuweeeehhhhh"...."uuuuuweeehhhhh"....."uuuuweeeeehhhh" This simple joy of just moving the tricycle half a meter forward, again and again. What was the last thing that made me that happy? What the fuck happened to us adults? Where does this innocence and joy go when we grow up? Yes yes we have responsibilities etc but it should not burn all the joy of doing simple things right?

Great questions! Thanks for that 1. Question - Pattern: at the start: subconsciously choosing women that seem to have insecure attachments style. I then tried to give them a feeling of safety, and it worked to some degree but the main job has to done by the person itself "trying to work through stuff" - I (we) never succeed in doing that. The less effort and discussion needed to make it work, the better. Accept that a behavior will never change. If I can't accept that, leave. Thinking too much about the other one and her behavior, her reasons instead of just enjoying her presence or expressing my desires and needs Not giving myself (enough) love and acceptance. Maybe that's the biggest thing. What hurt last time so much is that I felt she loved me just exactly the way I am, I didn't feel like wearing a mask, and suddenly that love and acceptance was gone. So why I need someone else to accept and love myself, with all my traits, "mistakes" and "flaws"? So I guess the abanduance mindset is not so much about the love of other women, but love towards myself. It's funny because my ex-gfs were far from "perfect" (for example one was super anxious, other one very moody) but I actually did not mind it, I found it kinda cute. Why not give the same acceptance towards me? 2. Doing differently: see above. Plus: just be as present as possible. Enjoy as much as possible. Be as light as possible. Experience all situations with a clean and fresh mind as much as possible. Appreciate the small moments. Not look too much into the future, or carry the past in some way. Really feel the first date, first kiss, first time sex, the pain of leaving her apartment in the morning, the joy of seeing her from far, when she smiles at you during pick up at the train station. Stuff like that. I still remember a moment of deep and long eye contact with my ex, lying on bed together. That was magical and I want to be present for that. But also everyday stuff, just looking at her putting food in the fridge after shopping. Appreciate all there is, because of question no.3 3. Modern relationship: They all will end. At best, you die at the same time lol. Everything else I fear is just getting attached, trying to hold on to something that is evolving. It can also be that you naturally evolve and it's great for both to separate after a cycle of some months or years.