lfvd95

I'm a 28 year old male. In my last two relationships I suddenly became very anxious, needy, clingy and insecure. There is no particular event I can recal that triggered it, nor had I experienced anything like this before. I obsesively thought about my girlfriends all the time, and was very anxious that they were going to break up with me and leave me, even when there was no reason for it. I tried to hide this from them in the beginning, waiting for it to pass and afraid it would just turn them off, but at some point it became overwhelming and I just told them I was feeling weird. In the beginning they constantly reassured me that everything was fine and they weren't going to leave me - things did not get any better - I now thought I was being burdensome and anoying, that they were getting sick of being this insecure. I was always anxious about the worst case scenario, obsessing about it, most of the things I was afraid didn't happen, but It got so bad that I couldn't be without one of those ex's more than a few hours. Naturally both broke up with me, one after one or two weeks, the other about after a month or two of this (the relationships were shitty anyway, so it wasn't only my anxiety). I've looked for relationship anxiety resources, attatchment style resources, therapy and I thought those had helped. After six-seven months since my last break up I thought I might be fine now. But I recently started seeing a girl: we were just friends, but started hanging out more, then at some point she kissed me, and we made out a few times. She told me she didn't want a relationships right now,since she was recently broken up with, and kept saying some day I'll find the right person for me, the last time we made out she told me that we shouldn't make out and stuff. In the few months we've been hanging out I've gotten emotionally attatched to her, and might even have started falling in love (sich vernarren) and this anxiety is starting to show its ugly head again. I get happy when she calls me, I think about her constantly; when she doesn't respond (she often doesn't for 10h and up to 3 days) I take it personally and am just waiting for her to tell me that we can't be friends or something . The point is: I don't know what this anxiety is or why it's happening to me. It has something to do with people leaving me, breaking up with me or something of that nature. I cannot live like this. I couldn't function when I was in those relationships: I couldn't go to class or work, all I could do is worry and have mental freakouts over my relationships. I'm afraid I wont be able to overcome this and that I'll end up alone for ever, unable to get into any relationsips or stay in any of them because I go from who I am into a needy, insecure cry-baby who can't be on his own. I don't like this and it terrifies me, because I do long to have a long term realationship with a girl, maybe even have a family at some point in the future, but this makes it impossible. I feel helpless, weak, unloveable, broken and hopeless. Please help. (Ask any questions you might need or suggest anything )

@SOUL Thanks, I appriciate it!

In this video: Matthew Husey talks about women complaining about always getting approached by the same type of guy, by players, by the loudest guy in the room, and tells women to give the rest of the guys, who are just looking for an opportunity to go approach them, a chance. Now, the thing is: I am the guy who always approaches, I'm the loudest guy in the room - I'm not a jock nor a Chad, I've just always been very friendly, extroverted and have liked possitive forms of attention; I've had success with women, that is, an above average number of succesful encounters, not because my game is great, rather because I've approached so much. I'm not a player per se, I've always looked for a commited relationship - but that's not what I've actually gotten. My strategy since I was like 18 (10years ago) has been to be proactive and talk to as many people as possible, to build a big social circle and to go to the girls I find attractive to see if I can make something happen. But recently I've realised that its kind of compulsive i.e., I feel compelled to talk to every woman I find attractive, to ask for their number and ask them out. Not a week has gone by in the last 10 years when I didn't ask at least one girl for her number or out on a date (results varied). On the one hand, it hasn't really worked for me when it comes to finding good quality relationships, and on the other: I'm afraid I can't stop, and I often rationalize the iddue to myself: "if I don't talk to them all, how am I supposed to find the right one - it's a numbers game after all.", " If I don't keep approaching I'll lose my skills - I need to practice" and "if I weren't to talk to every one, how could I know which ones I should approach and which ones not?" "I can't just sit around and wait for them to approach me." I'm afraid I can't stop, and I'm also afraid of wht will happen if I do. I don't want to defend what I've been doing so far, it doesnt feel right, butI feel like if I stop I will miss a chance to find the right one. Or like I'm missing out on opportunities. The reason I want to stop is simply that this hasn't worked for me: I've never ended up in a healthy realtionship, but always with the wrong person. Furthermore, I don't doubt that girls have noticed me talking to everyone ( I live in a small University city in Germany) and that I may have a reputation, so girls know I'm that guy who asked all of their friends or some of their acquaintances out. I realize how needy and desperate this approach looks, like I'm just a horny guy trying to get laid by anyone. A girl who gets approached by me probably doesn't feel very special, since I'll talk to another one later, or the next day... Every day. All I want is to find one girl, one who shares my values and is into the same things I am: Truth, Philosphy, Spirituality, science, self development. Someone special I can build something with. But all I've gotten is rejection, casual or short lived stuff, and shitty short relationships - and in the last few months I've gotten more rejection than I usually get without any success ( which I guess might have something to do with girls talking or me just comming up as too desperate) I've been abstaining from it, and I just feel this desire to go do it. It's like withdrawl from a drug. I've currently stopped talking to girls ( I even changed gyms and everything because I knew so many in my old one), but as I mentioned above, that's how I've realized that something in me feels wants to talk to all of them, and I feel like if I find any excuse to do it, I will, even when I'm trying to abstain from it for a while. I think about it a lot, especially when I'm out and about and I see girls I like. Despite what PUAs or anyone else might say, I don't think going out of your way to approach women, or talking to as many as possible is really necessary: lots of people get into relationships without having to do force it, without having to talk to 30 new people every week or something. And as I said, in my experience, its not great. I think its important to mention that I have no problem being on my own, that I enjoy it a lot and try to be alone as much as I can, so it's not like I'm running away from being alone. Second, I say I do it and like to; this doesnt mean it's not hard, and emotionally taxing; I look for an oportunity, for an excuse to approach them, rather than wait for it. But then I also have to push myself to go and do it. And while sometimes the conversations are good, sometimes it's really hostile and awkward, but that's normal I guess) I hope someone can give me some insight or advice or anything that might help me and others who may be going through the same thing. Thank you

@meta_male thanks for you comment Btw. Why do you think Corey Wayne's stuff only attracts shallow, immature, toxic women? Atrer all, he claims the opposite to be the case: that his way weeds out the unstable ones, who supposedly don't react well to it (in this case, this girl had a real problem with me only using my phone to set dates) I won't agree or disagree, because I know his stuff works on some women, but I want to understand your perspective and maybe learn about alternatives that are better.

@lfvd95 Thank you so much for your support! I really appriciate it!!!

Even a few months after all this I still feel traumatized i.e., mentally and emotionally hurt by this. For the last few weeks I thought I was angry at her, like pissed, but having seen how I reacted to just seeing her again yesterday I realize that I'm hust and afraid. It really brought me down and I realize I'm not over her, I'm still stuck and I don't know what to do. My self esteem and confidence have not recovered, I hate her (and don't want to!) but I also kind of miss her in some way. I think abou her constantly, about how I would tell her off or whatever because of my anger and other stuff. I just want this chapter of my life to be over. Does anyone have any advice or resources on what I can do? Thanks for all of your support.

@Israfil No man, I'm 27, I've had 5 other relationships. This is not my first rodeo, but it was something else; this girl really fucked my up like no one I've ever met. I saw her on the bus yesterday and I jenuinly got scared, I get all panicky and afraid. It's ridiculous since I'm 7 years older and like 30 kg heavier, but this little woman still makes me almost shit my pants, I think something in me is just trying to avoid further abuse...

Hello there. I recently discovered a Youtuber called Frank Yang, who claims to be completely enlightened. I've watched some of his videos and I honestly don't know if he's for real or not. I haven't found anything too practical in his work so far, only a lot of lofty spiritual talk - but I've only watched like two or three. So I'd like to know what you guys think about him, what you know about him and if you think he's legit fully enlightened or not. Maybe he's worth listening to, on the other hand, maybe not... Thanks

@integral Thank you so very much. This answer has been very helpful! I'll check the other thread you sent to me. I need to keep working on my neediness and fear of abandonment issues, but after much thought, I honestly did the best I could, I was always kind (too kind) and never argued with her, even when she insisted. I feel relieved and happy thanks to your answer. We both live in a small student town in Germany, so it'll be hard to avoid her. But rather than be friendly and say hi, I think I'll just ignore her from now on. No need to give her another opening for drama or toxic shit.

Aight Lads So my Ex broke up with me around mid-December. I'm very social and had developed really good pick up skills thoruhg the last 5 years. I met this girl, who started out by telling me all of her red flags - like her whole family having a history of cheating except for her, having been in an abuse relationship since she was 15 with a guy eight years her senior, having nightmares every night, and being sorrounded by toxic people, her friends saying she's manipulative etx - which I promptly decided to ignore and ended up in a relationship with her. A few weeks into the relationships I become incredebly anxious and subject to intrusive thoughts about her leaving me when there was no evidence for it. She was very nice, sweet ans supportive, but as should be obvious, my emotional, clingy and needy behaviour made her attraction drop. In addition to the massive anxiety dissorder, I sometimes didn't like the way she was treating me. I did some things wrong, namely, ignore the red flags, get into the raltionship too soon without seeing if we were compatible, not being centred around my life, and following pick up ideals in order to keep a woman, mainly Corey Waynes stuff (nothing to bad, but I was trying to follow a script). Never the less, this girl broke up with me, left me crying on the street, and when I went to my buddies to get some emotional support, she calls me screaming about how dare I leave her alone on her birthday. I go running to her house, after she verbally abused me on the phone and try to talk to her by listening to her, but all she does is cream and call me an idiot, and I take it like an idiot. We managed to fix things, but then I told her I had slept with my best friend who lives in another continent a few years ago and she flipped out and dumped me. She then proceeded to call me to tell me how I was the worst thing that had ever happened to her, how I was responsible for everything that was wrong in the realtionships and how it had only originally worked out because of her. I never fought back, I jsut wanted to fix things, I tried to listen to her but she just said I was incapable of understanding and that I am dumb. (with 145Iq and my independent philosophical and spiritual work I know that is not the case). It got so bad I just hung up, went to her house to give her all the shit she had gotten me. I came back home and sent ther the following message: "I went to your place to get the Ps2, but there was no one there, so I left the rest of the stuff I had to give to you. Don't worry about the Ps2 anymore. Do whatever you want with it. I thought you were the one for me when I first saw you; it was all so magical. And I had a really good time with you the last few months. I've loved you more than anyone else. It makes me incredebly sad that things between us had to end, and end like this... I really thought we made a great couple. I feel horrible that I hurt you, that I broke your trust and wasn't able to understand you, that I wasnt there when you needed me. I never hurt you intentionally - yet I am deeply sorry. All I can do is learn from these mistakes and overcome my ignorance and deficiencies if I can. I have also been very hurt and havent felt like you really cared much about what I'm going through. I hate this thing ending on such a bad note. You are an amazing girl and will always remember you fondly in my heart. I meant everything I said to you... Alas, I see no more point in trying to fix, resolve or communicate any longer. I felt awful, guilty and like I'm the worst person ever, the last few times we spoke. So I'm going to stop any communication now. I hope you live well, that you achieve everything you want and have a lot of happiness in your life. Thanks for everything. I love you." She called me, and since I expected more verbal abuse, I blocked her. We did't speak for around five months. I've had suicidal thoughts, because maybe she was right and I was the worst person there is. I just felt so guilty and aweful, like I had lost someone truly great this time. I've read books, watched videos, went to therapy, and done all that good stuff. I never blamed her, and always took responisbility for what I did - after all, that the only thing I have ocntrol over. I talked with some of my friends about how I was feeling or whatever, but most of them live in other countries. In any case I was just very confused about what happened, what I did wrong; constatnly doubting if I would ever be able to be in a relationship again, since I'm afraid I'll become anxious again or that the person will turn out to be a crazy. In any case, I never blamed her. I never asked about her when I saw her friends, to whom I was friendly, and I didn't try to contact her at all even when I really wanted to, because of fear that she would yell at me. With time I started thinking that maybe she had been gaslighting me at the end and projecting her insecurities on to me. But not being sure I just kept trying to get over her. So I come accross her at the Gym the other day, and I just say Hi very surprised. She said it back and left ( we met at the entrance) Then on another day I spent a few hours with her room mate at a small university gathering. I never mentioned or talked about this girl until the very end, when I told her room mate to say hi to her and the other room mate from me. Then, the next day, I see her and her sister. The first time around I ignored them because I was just very nervous. But then I saw them a second time. I didn't want to have a bad relationships with her, I didn't want to have to worry about seeing her somewhere, or being on bad terms. So I decided to be friendly and wave at them from afar. Then I kept walking with a friend I was with. I stop and tell him I miss her a lot, and low and behold, she walks towards me with the bigest smile I've ever seen. I think to myself, maybe she want to be make up, or maybe she's thought things through and wants to get back together. We go through some pleasentaries and then, with her smile still on, she tells me: please stop telling people bad things about me. I am baffled, I have no clue what she's going on about and doubt if I 've said anythign bad about her. I try to think back to all the people I've talked about her with. I weakly respond: "I havent told anyone anything bad about you." But she insists and I tell her I'll stop mentioning her. She then turns around, smiling all the while, and I am left there standing speenchless, in surprise and dissapointement, confused and both sad and angry - both at her because this interaction is our relationship in a nutshel, and at myself for not standing up for myself, for being weak and not responding something along the lines of: I have better stuff to do than talk about you. I'm confused, I feel sad, I'm angry, I'm frustrated and also afraid of seeing her again. Split on whether I should confront her or not. I just want to get over her, I want to heal and get into a good relationship when the time is right. But I doubt my own experience, I don't know if I'm a bad person, or dumb, or whatever. I don't know if she's a narcisist or whatever, but there is something in me that is reluctant to blame her. Please help

@Lila9 Thanks. That really insightful!

Hi Ever since my last break up, I've been reflecting on the patters of thought, behaviour and action that I have followed most of my life. I've come to the conclusion that I am a narcissist, and or have narcissistic tendencies; throughout my life people have told me I am somewhat narcissistic, but I honestly thought it was just that they didn’t like me. But I realise I do tend to think of myself as special or more special than everyone else, I tend to be very charming when first meeting people but have problems keeping relationships, I am not able to be as empathic with others, I like to call attention to myself etc. I also tend to attract broken and dysfunctional people into my life – I would go on, but this is not a confession. The point of all this is, that now that I know that I am the problem, in ways I perhaps don’t even realise, I want to heal and change so that I can be a healthy, functional individual, who can have a fulfilling life and have meaningful relationships with others. Can you guys recommend any resources that I can study and work with to overcome this and work through this? Or give me any advice? (Yes, I already go to therapy) Thank you.

@Cathal Thanks mate. That´s really helpful!

I´ve been reading David Hawkins book letting go and practicing the technique for every day, but I´m not sure if I´m doing it right, if its working or if this technique is legit. I haven´t read the whole book yet, but I had some expereince with the technique a few years ago. I remember someone telling me about blockages in the energatic body , and just having to feel the tension in the body in order to release them. So I gave this thing a try and I rmember feeling a lot of tension, in my chest and throat. I tried to focus my attention on it and it seemed to move, change and transform; at some point, the energy liberated in a huge release, similar to an awakening experience, and left me feeling high and in a state of no mind for like 30 minutes. Fast forward to the present, my ex broke up with me, and following the explination Hawkins gives at the begining of the book about how wmotions get stuck as tension and influence our thoughts and behaviour until they are let go of by releasing them, I thought maybe the anxiety and insecurity, along with some of the disfunctional behavior I displayed in my past relationships could be healed or fixed by letting go of the hidden emotions stuck in my. So I sit and after a few moments of silence I notice a point of presure in my upper chest, somethimes in my throat, third eye, stomach etc. I´ve been practicing the technique at least 30 minutes every day, and while the sensations move, change, and sometimes even feel like they are released, they only feel partly so. However, instead of minutes, it can sometimes take up to two hours if not more time - at a time- to get the release - which is nothing like the experience described above, but a slight momentary feeling of less preasure in the part of the body, before the general tension moves somewhere else or goes back. As I said, I sit alone with no distractions and try to put the focus of my attention on the specific point in my body where I feel some sort of energy or tension; there are times when it simply feels like tension, at others, the sensation takes an emotional flavour, and some others I´ve gotten flashbacks into my past - memories I had forgoten come baack up. There are times when I have felt a lot better, yet, I´m not sure if this is working properly, since the same thoughts and emotions are still there, and the actual changes in my state and mood could be attributed, not to the technique itself, but simply to time and the natural course of thing - take into account I´m getting over a break up, so I hoped this thing would make the nasty expereince go away somwehat faster. I guess I want to know some of you guys´ opinions, commentaries and experiences with the letting go technique, perhaps some pointers, insights and or alternatives so that I can heal, not only my broken heart, but the rest of my emotional issues. Thanks!

I´ve struggled with relationships ever since I was a teen. I´m 27 and my longest resltionship to this day lasted 10 months - that was when I was 23. I don´t have too much of a problem attracting women, I´ve practiced my pick up skillsa lot over the years, focusing on Corey Wayne´s 3% man, which has always been reliable. The problem is that, on the one hand, I always seem to attract very prblematic women, or I end up with people I´m not to compatible with. The bigger problem, however, is that I suffer from relationship anxiety and get very insecure whenever I get into a new relationship i.e., I get extremeley anxious to the point where I´m bareley functional and am in constant emotional distress because an irrational fear of being suddenly abandoned or doing something wrong - which will result in being broken up with - takes over me, and makes me become needy and insecure, which is not at all who I am normally. My ex, who is 20, broke up with me 3 weeks ago after a 3 month relationships. I honestly don´t know what happened. But most of my relationships last around 2-3 months and I´m tired of this happening to me, I´m afraid to end up alone and not being able to have and enjoy a healthy, long term romantic realtionship with a woman. I´m reading Adam Lane Smith´s " Slay your fear" and plan working on my attatchment style with my therapist. Yet, I would really appriciate any advice, pointers or insight from anyone who´s been in a similar situation, who managed to evercome it. Thanks!