Caoimhin

@Lila9 i was never a huge fan, but here recent work is good and her growth as an artist is inspiring

I love this song. Pretty deep and spiritual. I felt like this community would appreciate it.

@Master in Training Of course! Glad to help out! Yeah, the practical exercises are the most exciting and also offer the most immediate results. Let me know how it goes if you try any of them! Good luck

Hey, fellow people pleaser! I want to commend you for starting this journey towards self-respect and self-love. It's not an easy task to unwire the people pleasing brain. I think you are starting on the right path. The methods you've come up with yourself are really powerful and if you stick with them you'll keep gaining insights. You're building your self-efficacy, which is huge in this work, and you are trying to observe your people pleasing tendencies in real situations, which is really powerful and direct. You might not even need advice, but because you asked, I'd love to offer my two cents and the methods I used to overcome most of my people pleasing. But first let me play devil's advocate... It makes a lot of sense to want approval from others! Why would we not want that?? We are biologically programmed to want approval; it's essential for basic survival and mental health. Plus, people pleasing says a lot of good things about your character: you care about others, you want a loving respectful relationship with others, you are empathetic, you're kind and polite, etc(actually think about other good reasons to be a people pleaser and write them down). Do you want to give up all those great traits in exchange for whatever is on the other side (people displeasing? sociopathy??)? I hope the answer is no. So my first point of advice is to stop trying to not be a people pleaser. Instead, the goal should be to put your own approval above others. You don't want people to not like you, that is negative motivation and you'll keep backsliding when you get lonely and desperate. Instead, you want to trust that you can handle disapproval and love yourself regardless of what others think or say. This is a better foundation to work from because it is positive rather than negative. It will minimize backsliding because you are growing in self-love rather than shaming and suppressing parts of yourself. The deeper, non-dual insight here is that your relationship to yourself is exactly your relationship to the world, and your relationship to the world is exactly your relationship to yourself. You can keep the good parts of people pleasing by being a nice decent person, you just stop deriving your self worth from it. Here is a list of insights, mental reframes, and techniques that I've used to get over my people pleasing. It's not comprehensive and I invite you to experiment. Stop internalizing others approval. Approval is a two sided coin. We tend to focus on getting rid of negative emotions, and keeping the positive ones. This is what keeps us stuck in the pattern. In order to stop being a people pleaser, let go of the dopamine spike of positive feedback from others. Don't let the opinions of others affect the way you feel about yourself, both positively and negatively. If someone gives you praise say thank you then continue as if it didn't happen. Reframe your goals. I relate to wanting to get bigger to build up confidence. I'm a hard gainer and have always been insecure about how skinny I am. Over the years I've put on muscle, and to an extent that made me feel better about myself, but the focus wasn't right and going to the gym became a chore. I was getting fit for approval. If you withhold approval until you reach a goal, you'll never reach your goal. That's because you're not deficient in your body or muscles, you're deficient in self-love. Self-love comes first. I had to reframe my health goals so that the motivation was to be healthy. I'm working out now because I love myself and love the growth I get from facing the challenge. I want to be fit and healthy to get more out of life. Now I don't care how big I get and, counterintuitively, I've been making some impressive gains with less effort. Practice self-love. This is the most important and life changing advice here. This is a simple yet powerful technique. Look up Leo's video How to Love Yourself. Don't underestimate this technique. Okay, here it is, look yourself in the eyes and genuinely tell yourself, "I love you exactly the way you are". Do this until you start crying, then go further. This simple technique has changed my life within the first few sessions. Everything else I've said derives from self-love. There is no cure all, except self-love. Ultimately, the only person you've ever wanted/needed love from was yourself. Go straight to the source and you'll never have a people pleasing problem again. Don't give up people pleasing to gain approval. It's tricky how the ego coops this. Most people pleasers decide to give up people pleasing because they realize it is a bad strategy for gaining approval, and at least for me, I wanted to give it up so I could feel more confident and attractive around women. Rewire your brain to have different beliefs and they will inform your behavior. The other way around is just aping confidence without having it. People see through that very quickly, and what's worse, you can start smelling your own BS. The content is different on the surface but the structure of the behavior is exactly the same. Watch Leo's video called Content vs Structure to understand this more. Social exposure. This one is more practical and you've been doing a version of it already, but let's expand on it. Shame attacking exercises: (All credit goes to Dr. Abert Ellis and Dr. David Burns) This exercise is where you purposefully go to a public place and make a fool of yourself. The key here is to do this mindfully and observe how others respond to you. Here is a good list of examples: https://docs.google.com/viewer?url=https%3A%2F%2Ffeelinggood.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2019%2F01%2FShame-Attackng-v-1.pdf. If you want to learn more, I recommend searching through the Feeling Good Podcast or searching Feelinggood.com. I've done many of these, my favorite one was singing Hark! The Herald Angels Sing in the mall food court in February. It's a very intimidating technique but it will transform your life. The number one rule is to only make a fool of yourself, never insult, hurt, or embarrass someone else. Rejection collection: Again a technique popularized by Dr. Ellis and Dr. Burns when it comes to dating anxiety, but also popularized by Jia Jiang for a more general fear of rejection. This is where you go to random people and ask for something outrageous to get them to say no. The goal is to get rejected. If they say yes, it doesn't count. For me, I went to a bar or club and asked 10 women for their numbers. Again, I want to emphasize that the goal is not to make people feel uncomfortable or insulted, please do it respectfully. Full disclosure: This is similar to the others. This is where you walk up to strangers(or people close to you) and tell them something you are insecure about sharing with them. You can say something like, "hey, this is random, but I just wanted to tell you that I've been struggling with people pleasing my whole life, but I've been working on it and I'm not ashamed of it anymore". You can say something about your body image, or anything you are insecure about and wouldn't normally be open about sharing. This is also intimidating but very powerful. If you come up with your own disclosure, remember to keep it positive and self-empowering. Don't emotionally burden the other person. Don't bring the mood down lol. Actively try not to impress people. This is good for first dates. It's simple, don't try to impress her. Say unimpressive things. It takes the pressure off. Let yourself be imperfect. Again, it's simple. Let yourself be a people pleaser sometime. Accept that some people will still make you feel insecure for now, that's okay, you're growing. Reframe it! People pleasing can be endearing. It does work sometimes. That's why we do it. If it never worked it would have never been reinforced. Going back to self-love! Accept and love yourself exactly the way you are. You're a people pleaser sometimes, love that. You'll find that you stop people pleasing as much when you allow yourself to do it sometimes. This is forgiveness. Hope this helps and keep the faith!

Hey, thought I would share this thought I had while doing day game and practicing my social skills. Yesterday, I had a quasi-insta-date and ended up spending the whole day with her. My insight was into how we actually get into state. This helped me deal with the shy, awkward and creepy first few approaches that ultimatly got me warmed-up enough to get 2 phone numbers and a insta-date, all within only 8 approaches! Essentially, this reframe was inspired by Ryuu Shinohara's book on money manifestation called The Magic of Money Manifestation(I hope to write a review of it eventually!), the Sedona method, and just the general idea of developmental stages. In Shinohara's book he mentions that emotions have higher or lower vibrations and inorder to climb up to the highest vibration and manifest the good life, we have to recognize each stage we are at, embrace it, and try to move up to the one above it. Ex: if you are jealous, the next stage up is anger, some stage above that is doubt and so on until you reach abundance. My idea is that, of course this is the same for when we go out and practice social skills (it's the law of attraction, duh!). What if each night we go out we have to systematically go through these stages to get from shy/insecure guy(low vibration) into a guy in state(high vibration). State, of course, being when you are effortlessly charasmatic and have little to no fear or anxiety while in a social settings. Ok, here is my rough model, please tell me what you think and what your personal experience is. isolated/withdrawn-> shy/insecure->awkward->creepy->sweet/friend vibes->charming->unshakeably confident(aka state) The main reframe I hope to establish here is that if you are going from not sociallizing for a while and then back in, you will have to readjust and go through these stages again. Of course, over time the goal is to have so much exposure that you raise your baseline. The learning curve is also different for everyone. Some people who had a lot of social exposure and social success early in life and are naturally more extroverted might be sitting comfortably at a higher stage all the time. This post applies to them too, but is focused more so on helping the shy/introverted guys that are struggling to get through the uncomfortable early stages. Think of these uncomfortable early stages as the threshold guardians. They are there to test how much you actually want to improve your dating life. On the other side of these uncomfortable stages is the dating life you dream to have. Be awkward and shy for a few approaches. Then notice yourself being creepy for the next few. Expecting and embracing the lower stages will help you get through it quicker. Being creepy is actually a very important stage for the social learning curve. You are creepy because you aren't calibrated yet, this is how you reorient yourself with others. You need to test boundaries to see where they lie. When you are creepy you are being bold and testing what is acceptable. You learn really quickly what not to do or say, but you might even be surprised to find that something you thought was off limits is actually working to attract her. This girl I meet at the grocery store was looking at shaving cream when I approached. She hooked as we were talking about her shaving habits and how hairy her legs were(she was wearing sweatpants, I wasn't making a rude observation). In developmental models like spiral dynamics we learn that the higher stages incorporate the lower stages and build off of them. It took me being awkward and creepy first to know what is socially acceptable in order to move past just being acceptable. Something I thought would have been too personal to talk about actually worked out smoothly. Tell me what you think! Hope this perspective helps!

Hi, this is my first post on the forum! i was wondering if anyone has purchased the hotseat at home program(or any of the coaching calls from Self Mastery Co. for that matter) and if so what was your experience? was it worth it? is it a scam? I'm considering pulling the trigger on it since it is 50% off(which i hear is more often the case than not). i've done maybe 400 approaches so far, not consistantly enough to make substancial improvements, but enough to get a base of good sets and a lot of awkward cringey blow outs. I've found that Leo's How to Get Laid has been foundational and gives a great jumping off point. is this program going to offer significantly more/better information than the how to get laid series?? also, if anyone lives in new jersey/new york area, i'm accepting wing applications

@BlessedLion yeah, i'm with you. i want to do pick up with integrity. i might not get as many lays but it's quality over quantity imo.

@hyruga thanks, yeah you make a good point about how it might work in different cultures. sounds like good stuff though and it makes sense he's the leo of pick up, leo got into personal development content because of owen.

@LordFall thanks for the response. yeah i think you're right. i want to get other areas of my life in order first, but i'll deffinitely pick it up when i get things in order. until then i'll just do approaches for the exposure and so i'm not starting from zero when i get more into it.

this is so pure and wholesome lol

@PataFoiFoi of course, that's what this community is here for. Let me know what you get out of it if you try it. There is a lot of great advice; you have a lot of homework to do now lol. And your destiny is yours to chose. don't get stuck in determinism. Determinism doesn't exist and neither does freewill for that matter... Remember these are distinctions that will be erased. What's left then?? Well that's something to contemplate lol. You seem to have this negative belief that You created this life to suffer Hell. That isn't true. You created this life for no reason at all. No point. Just to create for Creation's sake. I've never read Paradise Lost but this is a great quote, "Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n. To reign is worth ambition though in Hell: Better to reign in Hell, then serve in Heav'n. Regaind in Heav'n, or what more lost in Hell?" maybe you want to be in Hell? There are lots of good reasons to stay in Hell... you can keep beating on yourself is one... in Heaven that shit doesn't fly lol best wishes!

@AndylizedAAY I see, I miss understood. Yes, the common place book is good to have and refer back to. Please continue(i was mostly kidding when i said to delete it lol). I just think in your case you are crippling yourself with all this work. You seem like a very smart and dedicated person. I truely admire your enthusiasm. An idea off the top of my head is to use numbered bullet points and then use a random number generator to help decide, then stick with it for a week or month. Or like Rocky said, follow your own curiosity. No. In an individual video Leo doesn't offer too many questions. But if you are collecting questions from all his videos and then sitting down to answer each one, that's overwhelming. Good practice would be to do the questions and exercises during and/or immediately after the video, before moving on to the next topic. Leo has clearly stated that he wants us to think for ourselves. This is my two cents, use your best judgement. Good luck!

I didn't read your full post, because it is too much(that's a clue). I can understand why you don't know where to start... this is overwhelming. My advice is delete this Google doc or never open it again. Then, when you finish that, start from scratch and think of one question that comes to mind and contemplate that. Build your concentration and discipline to stick to one thing at a time. You can't focus on all this at once, and you end up not working on any of it. You are finite and this list could take many lifetimes to answer lol. I have the same tendency to make big lists like this and overwhelm myself; trust that you will find the answers you need when you are ready. When you realize that there is no right answer, you will find it. Good luck!

don't underestimate the power of this technique...

Lots of great advice here, I'll add my long winded two cents. I've felt the same way in life up untill recent, though I haven't gone as far as you career-wise or spiritually. It sounds like you had a hard fall from the place you worked so hard to get up to. It's intimidating knowing you have to try to do it all again but now knowing how much work it took and how painful it is hitting the ground from that height. You have to work even harder to get back to where you were. Like other posts said, you were going against the current and that's why it was so hard.... You've been avoiding and trying to bipass something this whole time. You thought you were being spiritual, but you were using it to avoid facing the truth... You don't actually love yourself. You resent yourself as an ego, and now as God. It's funny, God hating himself, sounds like a perfect discription of Satan, right? You've been beating your ego with a bat trying to kill it(then you upgraded to an nuclear bomb with ayaquasca and 5 meo dmt), but that only makes it a wild, abused, and scared animal. Think about a dog that is beaten and abused; the dog only knows fear and pain from the people it's supposed to trust, and it bites back violently and desperately because of it. You are the only one you have and, I can bet that you've never said "I love you" to yourself and meant it. This is at the core, this is the place to start. Think of all the hurt you've inflicted on yourself and the healing and love you desperately need to give yourself. All you've needed your whole life was your own love(God's Love)... I recommend watching Leo's old video "How to Love Yourself". Do that exercise daily and do it until you start crying in the mirror, then keep going(Leo recommends repeating 20 times in total). SAY IT LIKE YOU ACTUALLY MEAN IT(this is very important). Look deeply into your own eyes as you say it, watch the pupils dilate, notice that these are the eyes of God looking and saying this to you. You might even start having psychedelic-like experiences, but don't seek them out, just be aware. In addition to telling yourself, "I love you exactly the way you are," I've customized my self-love practice. I mix in other phrases to break up the monotony, so I'm not just repeat one thing like a Hail Mary or Our Father. I added for myself, "you don't have to change", "you are enough", "i will never abandon you", "i'm sorry for hurting you" , "i did my best", "i didn't know any better", and really anything that comes up that you want to tell yourself. This is your moment with yourself, make it personal, this is literally the most personal thing you've done. Notice how you've probably never had this moment with yourself before now.... Last recommendation, seeking out energy healing and trauma based therapy is also a powerful aide in helping to bring things to the surface. You could also chose to do this exercise on psychedelics, but don't let that stop you from doing it sober too(both are powerful). Ultimately, you will be happy and successful when you love yourself unconditionally, not the other way around(the way you initially tried). I call it the principle of reverse causality.... All the best and I hope you find your answer.

@Phil King did you get the standard or the EVOLVE edition for $500?

100% that's a main reason i'm going

call 988. it's the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. seriously call it. it might feel awkward at first but it is so helpful just to have someone there to listen. it's free and they'll stay on until you feel better. they follow up too. it's really a beautiful service that doesn't get enough attention. it's my go to last resort. make life the only choice.... also if you were serious about a book recommendation, i think that's the main focus of the tibetan book of the dead, i haven't read it yet so don't quote me on it. you can also die while alive, and i think that's the most proper way to die... leo has books about that on his book list... i think the process is called enlightenment or something... lol in all seriousness, be safe.

@Phil King thanks for your replies, i appreciate it! sounds like a good deal and a lot of content!

wow! that's hard core man, i admire the dedication. looking forward to the review, yeah that sounds like a good deal, i'll pull the trigger on it tomorrw, thanks for the reply man! good luck with finals

great post! I just signed up for his free tour in NYC and this post is making me feel even more hyped! The only down side is that it's in September and that feels like forever away. How was the Miami tour? I believe that one is three days long, was it worth spending three days there?? Also, has anyone done coaching calls or purchased the hotseat at home program? is it a scam or is it worth the investment? i've noticed some red flags from the free coaching call, but maybe it was just that coach.