Sincerity

Introduction Last week I took 300ug of LSD, mostly with the intention to confront fears I encountered during previous trips. Those included: After serious ego loss and intense fear of death arising, fighting to have a purpose for my life, as if that was what would save me from death. The reasoning was, as silly as it sounds: “if I can’t come up with a reason for my existence right now, I will die”. A tribalistic paranoia, fear of being discovered by someone, fear of being closed in the room and someone else being in the apartment, fear that someone is behind me. Fear during the state where I don’t know anything, I literally don’t remember anything at all, what my name is, who I am, etc. Fear of reality “simplifying itself” to the point of death, fear of being motionless / falling asleep during the trip because I think I will die. Fundamentally, fear of death. To counter these, my focus was to: “Let Death into my heart”; Open the gates Accept being purposeless, that it is okay and I will not die Accept no identity and not remembering anything, that it is okay as well Relax and feel into being safe in God Confront other key fears listed above I simplified these points of focus, wrote them out on pieces of paper and laid them in front of me, so that I would come back to them throughout the trip. Moreover, since I always experience profound feelings of Self-definition during my trips, my intention was to focus on 3 key archetypes/energies which are important to me right now, once the identity was gone, to program myself: I am a Man. I achieve my Goals. I Act. I am an Artist. I express my Voice. I Create. I am a Sage. I nourish my Peace. I Meditate. I said goodbyes to my gf I live with, closed myself off in my room for 3 hours and went from there. Throughout the entire trip I wrote in my notebook. I mostly sat on the floor, surrounded by a few sheets of paper, and took everything in, while observing myself and responding to fears. Key Awakenings I don’t exist For the first time, I really awakened to the fact that I don’t exist. This was during the beginning of the trip. I was writing a stream of consciousness in the notebook and I asked the question: “Do I even exist?”. The question reached my awareness and suddenly I was completely dumbstruck. My jaw dropped. My initial reaction was like “Of course I exist!!!”. But I looked and there was no me. Mindfuck. After that, so much energy started emanating from me I thought everyone around me in the residential block was feeling it. It was incredible. Nothing I saw utter Nothingness. It was like I was in a completely empty Void. There was NOTHING satisfying about it for me. I was scared of the truth being negative in some way. In retrospect, I see that I wanted to discover SOMETHING. I wanted to discover some kind of divine love, inspiration, hope, reason. I wanted nothingness to be something good… but no. No love, no hope, NOTHING. It was exactly what it was. Nothingness. Devoid of any features. I saw it clearly, and it was humbling. I AM; SOMETHING is there And yet, in spite of seeing that I don’t exist, of not remembering anything about me and after seeing the Nothingness, I later felt that something was calling to me. It was as if it was hidden behind some veil, completely inaccessible to me. There was SOMETHING there, and it was ALIVE. I wrote in my notebook: I am SOMETHING. But what? This SOMETHING was instantaneous. I felt that I was it, but I was in no control of it. It was Same to me, and yet completely Other. It was writing things through me, without my conscious intent. For the first time, I felt MYSELF so clearly. I AM. Still, I don’t yet understand the dynamics of it. But I feel there is something amazing to be found there, and I’m excited about that. “Alien” vibration penetrating me Okay, so this is another thing that’s been difficult for me in previous trips, which I forgot about. Maybe I cut it out of my memory due to the great discomfort associated with it. Lately, each time I take LSD and lose my identity completely, I feel penetrated by some weird, “alien”, unifying vibration, by which I feel raped, used, taken advantage of. Feeling it, I feel like I’ve made some big mistake taking LSD. I feel possessed. At times, I feel something is taking control of me and I’m acting in weird, unpredictable manners, which is scaring me. During this trip, this happened when I was very high-level, and later on each time I focused on accepting the fear of dying and being no one. I felt this foreign vibration running through me. I felt discomfort, but I tried to persevere. I was set on confronting any fear and letting go of myself. Still, I felt taken advantage of. I don’t have good words to describe it, but that energy was weird, alien-like, sexual, foreign, flowing through me when I let go. If I had to describe it visually, I felt it as something white with 8 eyes, spanning through the entire visual field, inhuman, all-unifying, sexual, flowing. But I might as well be bullshitting myself, that’s not the point. The most important thing is: I don’t know yet what it is, and how to deal with this. I know I must separate my feelings about it from the actual thing, and it’s difficult because I feel great discomfort towards it. I’m wondering whether I can start approaching it differently and experience more positive feelings towards it. She is Other to me Close to the end of the trip, I contemplated what my girlfriend is. I was like: “Well, of course she is me. Right?”. And I tried “looking into her”. But to my surprise, she was completely inaccessible to me. She was Other to me. “Wait… how can she be Other to me, if we are the Same?!” It was a mindfuck to realize others are the Same and Other at the same time. I gained a new level of respect for my girlfriend, in particular. Later, I told her: “I respect you, because I can’t reach you with my mind. You are, and always will be, a Mystery to me. I see you differently now.” This can refer to Reality in general. What I said in the “I AM; SOMETHING is there” section: that SOMETHING was also completely Other to me, even though I was It. Maybe that SOMETHING is in everything I see, including my girlfriend. I think that theoretically, I could realize that I can’t reach anything I see with my mind, and that everything is a Mystery, not just my gf - but that’s beyond the scope of that trip. Miscellaneous I felt the above 5 sections were the most distinct, content-packed and worth sharing. Besides these, I experienced other things/awakenings/insights, such as: “Everything stems from the fact that I’m afraid of Death”. Feeling that I’m always running away from myself. I am this Dream which is leading itself Will/Intention being instantaneous and action in reality “lagging behind”, I was a bit impatient about it “Being the furthest away (from “life-content”), you can’t do anything but love.” “I want to be someone in this world. I want to express my Voice.” I felt like I’m not worthy, not “someone” enough. I want to fix something in myself all the time. Can’t I just love myself? At one point, I felt it was hard for me to stay in the body. I was walking around the room and felt so much energy accumulating in me, I thought I’d die. This single thing made me consider reducing dosing in the future. Looking at my hand felt overwhelming at one point, as if God was beaming its full energy at my face. I was looking away. Also, holding the fully stretched hand close to my face, I felt as if it was completely surrounding me. I was scared of it. Loss of consciousness was disappointing at one point. I was on such a high level. I felt cheated going “down”. I felt the “earthly” life was such an insignificant dream/illusion and it was for low-consciousness idiot beings. But this feeling passed quite quickly. At the end of the trip, I focused on manifesting what I want in life - among others, the 3 key archetypes I mentioned in the intro Focusing on the fact that I REALLY wanted the best for myself, that I wanted happiness in life, I wanted hope, inspiration, energy, I wanted to live and accomplish, that I wanted everything to be alright in the end. Key lessons & how to proceed Next time, I will strive to not want anything from NOTHING and to love it for what it is. Unsatisfying, unborn, raw, pure truth. I can see the fact that it's unsatisfying as actually the best thing about it. Shows me my bias perfectly. Focus on looking deeper into SOMETHING behind the veil. I feel there’s something important there for me to find. Perhaps, this is where I can genuinely discover God/Infinite Love for the first time. Seems plausible, given how this SOMETHING felt to me during this trip. I had God-realizations before, but it was more about me being God - never before did I discover God/Love/Intelligence which is „Alive” and Other to me. Understand my feelings of being taken advantage of by the „alien” vibration. Can I change my relation to it? Is it growth to accept this „foreign” energy penetrating me? Should I learn to be submissive, is that the way? What is this „alien” vibration? Goal: Learn to love and receive it. Experiment with being submissive and accepting something „foreign”. Fuck it, if it’s growth, I want it, I don’t care. Consider lowering my LSD dose to 225ug Consider trying a different psychedelic soon, probably DMT Outro Thanks for reading. If you have any comments, feel free to share. Peace! I got the Magic in me! 🌟

Honest questions: Have you done it? How do you differentiate this „accessing of another’s mind” from it still being „your mind”? I feel like you’d say there even no such separation.

@samijiben Thank you! Awesome. That’s what I call „energetic consciousness”:

You don't really dream about seeing particular scenarios in reality happen. Even if you have visions of scenarios which feel appealing to you, these are symbolic representations of your desires to actualize a certain kind of energy - which, when actualized, often brings similarly looking scenarios into "reality". But these scenarios are never the point. The actualization of energy is. A small proof of this is: any scenario which feels appealing to you, as you're thinking of it, NEVER becomes actualized into "reality" exactly as you thought of it - but you can still feel satisfied once a "similar" one is actualized. Why? Because """the gist""" of the scenario has been actualized. But what is "the gist"? ENERGY! "Reality" is LITERALLY an illusion. "Reality" is energy expressed, visualized. A continuous, flowing representation of energetic consequences. An overlay on top of the deeper mental/energetic reality. You never WANT anything from "reality". You never FEAR anything from "reality". You never THINK about "reality". You never FEEL anything about "reality". Even when you see a tiger in "reality" and then feel fear "because of that tiger", this is really a very elaborate illusion. An incomprehensibly elaborate illusion. Energetic choices have immediate consequences in "reality", and there is no change in "reality" (or even there's no "reality" at all) without some sort of energy expressed. Energy includes all emotions, fear, willpower, desire, aversion, love, intuition, etc.. Basically any and all of your motivations. Anything that you do in "reality" is caused by some kind of energy, conscious or not. You cannot do something without a motivation. A question remains though... what is energy? And, what would Pure Energy be? What would its "consequence" be?

Interesting. At some point(s) in the past my girl did feel like peeing, but she resisted because she was afraid of peeing the bed. After talking about it, I encouraged her to just let go and fuck it, pee the bed or squirt, whatever comes out is good. I think she hasn't had that feeling since then but looking forward to the future. I'll give an update once I get my girl squirting as well.

Might not resonate with you, but I coined the term "energetic consciousness" for myself. Energetic consciousness is an awareness of the driving forces behind you and an understanding of their dynamics. The more I observe myself, the more I become conscious of what's actually driving me, how much I can actually influence it and how much I can just observe, how some driving forces are being uncovered with time, how the process of uncovering these forces works for me, how resistance works, what attitude works towards these driving forces vs what doesn't, and more. You see your own motivations better, but also start to see others' motivations more clearly as well. You gain clarity and, if the understanding is internalized, grace in your life. For me, life becomes more consciously-lived and meaningful in general. The term "energy" is not about some airy fairy bullshit - it's about the everyday motivations, why you do what you do, and how that comes about. By understanding the dynamics of energy, you learn to operate well in life in general. Wise living ensues.

Definitely exercise. Push yourself physically.

Do you seriously perceive women this way or are you joking?

This logic is absolutely stupid though. Think. Have some common sense.

Nothing wrong with a pint of good beer or a glass of wine once a month with fun people. Have moderation. Be reasonable. Still though, it’s not about „alcohol” culture, more like „fun” culture. You can learn to have fun without alcohol.

@Leo Gura, you’ve been on fire lately with your blog posts. Goldmine!

Cool, sounds good. Thanks for the advice.

Infinite, unbiased, all-pervading? No, not yet. In previous responses you said I should contemplate What is Love? - with the capital L. Did you mean one should start with contemplating "human" love? That I've done multiple times, across years. But I try to stay cautious and not delude myself about it being Absolute, if I don't see any evidence of that yet. Ehh, I feel stupid writing all this. Yes, I probably could have contemplated love more, but I didn't, and I don't blame myself. My rate of change in life right now is so high already, it's hard to handle more. Again, don't judge. I'll get there when I get there. I contemplate the meaning of love all the time while working on my relationship with my partner, which I take very seriously. Because I see huge growth in it, and meaning.

Maybe! Or not. I’ll be looking into it. Feels different from the SOMETHING I experienced. I sense Love there, and the alien vibration feels like something else. I dunno yet. But I’ll consider it. I’m open to options.

And it’s hard to desire something if you don’t see it at all. That’s my entire point. You only start desiring the beautiful chick once you notice her for the first time. Awareness of her makes you desire her, if she is to your liking. Of course this analogy falls apart because the new thing appearing in my consciousness radar isn’t random. I did the work and I was ready for more, so reality opened itself up to me just a little bit more. At least that’s how I see it. * * * * * Besides though, I only do this part time because I’m young and have survival things to focus on, so don’t judge. My independence and growth of character is more important now, awakening is 2nd order. The intention for this trip itself was mainly to 1) confront fears and 2) program myself as part of Self-definition. Free up my energetic system and all that stuff, so that I can be better in daily life. And I succeeded. I did not expect any new awakenings.

I was mainly just thinking aloud, or asking whether my hunch sounds in any way familiar. But nothing will sway me away from my curiosity and set direction anyway. But really, I don’t think it’s possible to reach for something which isn’t in your radar yet. I think it’s useless for most people to ask a question like What is God? Or Love? because they have absolutely zero correct reference and zero idea of what to even really contemplate. I just noticed a new thing within my radar and I was wondering whether it can be Love/God, undiscovered yet. I can ponder it only now precisely because it became within my reach, after I went through other awakenings before. It’s like a new thing is added to my map in a game and I can now start exploring that place.

Lol. Initially the title I came up with was „To Be And Not to Be - LSD Trip Report”. But then I thought: who the fuck is going to read that? Ah, yes. „Alien Vibration Is Raping Me”. That’s perfect. There’s truth to it of course. It did feel like being taken advantage of. Highly uncomfortable.

Yeah. Honestly, I haven’t been directly focusing on Love so far in my trips. I feel this possibility is only opening up for me just now, after all the previous stuff I went through. The lead I discovered is intriguing me and, holding onto it, I feel I can awaken to Love/God as something True. This is the first time this has really appeared on my radar. Now I can focus on it. If I tried contemplating Love before, I would have nothing to point at with my focus. Now I do. I’d say I did, but I can’t know what degree of consciousness of Infinity you’re talking about. For example, I can see that Nothing is Infinity, like a magic hat from which everything is spawning. Nothing is an Infinite Source, Infinite Possibility, Infinite Generation. I see that at the core of me is this Nothing, this Infinity, this Paradox, out of which everything is arising, and anything can arise. On the contrary, for example, I did not see my POV morphing in some mind-bending ways, like some of the visualizations of very high consciousness you posted on the blog. Or, I did not clearly experience Infinite Intelligence/Omniscience/Love and God as something infinite „beyond” me. For this, I’m only investigating this new hunch just now. I'd say the Infinity I did experience has mostly been "neutral" so far. I am careful not to delude myself and ascribe „qualities”/facets to Reality that I want it to have. I strive to discover things in an unbiased manner. During this trip, I wanted Nothing to be something loving, inspiring, hopeful... But I see it was a mistake. Maybe, in a classic fashion, I can find the Love once I no longer need it. I dunno.

I don't know that yet, but I do intuit that's true, and I want to awaken to that. I shouldn't have said "I don't know if it's possible for me". I do intuit it is. I was thinking more about whether this one lead I'm focusing on right now provides a route towards the possibility of this particular awakening. After all, my work must be focused in the right direction. But it's all good. I'm hopeful. I know the cool stuff is waiting for me, and I'll get there eventually. As always, thanks so much for your support. It does matter to me.

Thanks! I'm curious if a Love awakening is possible for me if I pursue that lead with SOMETHING being there, as I described. So far I've never had a Love awakening, but I feel like that lead might be promising. Gives me hope to go deeper. Yeah, in previous trips I experienced the turning in circles out of fear of something behind me... I'm not sure what you mean by portal but "fear itself opening up" resonates well.

Do you live on your own? Are you cooking for yourself?

I had a similar situation. I deluded myself on LSD that someone was my divine soulmate and that I „needed to find them” after I saw their profile mistakenly opened on my phone on Messenger. A case of being completely wrong in an incredibly embarrassing way. I still cringe a bit thinking about it. It’s been hard to accept/forgive.

1) Focus on doing something. 2) Take a break, relax, do something pleasant.

You're probably afraid of confronting pain, or the feeling of shame in front of other people. You can get better at it with small steps. Set little goals, take action on the least scary thing to say to a certain person and work your way up to the more difficult ones.