Sincerity

Just by saying "I'm a solipsist" You engage in identification --> selfhood --> self vs other illusion, so in fact You do believe in others, simply because You believe in "yourself". To be a true solipsist You have to not be one

True spirituality is when You dissolve the boundary between the two

I am sick and don't have much energy to do anything productive. I've mostly been distracting myself yesterday and today. I hope to regain my vigor soon. I really don't want to waste my holiday break. Quick things: Yea I watched the conservatism video and it was good. Leo laid out many great insights which I missed but make sense to me, I'm gonna add them to the canvas and contemplate some more. I've been having very weird dreams. Yesterday I dreamt of being completely surrendered to God and I actually was in direct experience. I was a part of some play and none of us had a script, we were just following God's Will. Nobody knew what to do next We just did things. The day before I dreamt of gliding through the air, it was so relaxing. I've actually been kind of happy about being sick. It's nice to see how it's like, You know? I'm in a different state. I'm feeling like shit. But it's reality! Cool to experience that. Kinda random, but my take on whether everyone is looking for happiness --> Everyone is looking for their True Nature = God = Wholeness = Truth = Love = Heaven = Absolute Happiness. So I guess yea, that's right. I noticed I've stopped having panic attacks. I had a few in the last 4 months due to my encounter with death. But they ceased, for now at least. Spontaneous thoughts: something is building up in me like I'm about to break into tears. I don't know what it is. Is it fear? Just now I once again thought about the word FOREVER, my mind screamed no NOOO NOOOOOOOOO PLEASE NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Or am I making things up? Gonna have to look into it after this post. Would I be okay with dying right now? I thought about it, observed my reaction and no, I would definitely be hesitant. Well, I still have a lot of accepting and surrendering to "do". My #1 thing in life is to surrender to God as much as humanly possible. Nothing else really matters. Sure, there are things that excite me - I love my family, I have things I want to try, the AI revolution is very exciting and I can't wait to see how it changes the world. I want to find myself a girlfriend and learn to share my life with another person. Learn to really be a man. And so on, and so on. But like... I can't lose sight of the main thing. I HAVE to be okay with losing everything. Otherwise, what is the point, really. Please God, aid me in this journey. I know I'm constantly getting off track. I'm weak, I'm foolish and I'm selfish. But I really want to give myself to You. I hope You all spend a wonderful time with your close ones. Merry Christmas, my fellow explorers!

Oh, I assumed we were talking about purpose here. They would say big bang is the cause of reality, yes, but not the purpose for why reality exists. Yeah, but You don't know it in your direct experience!!! Cmon man! Others' conclusions are completely useless. The point is to discover the answers in your heart! Only they actually change your life. Ask questions You find interesting and worthwhile

If You think You "know what You're experiencing" (= understand reality) better than everyone else (), then God help You.

Wouldn't an atheist say the opposite? That reality has no why? After all it's just a dumb, material hodgepodge of random stuff. How can it have a why. Get better if You want the answers If You're curious, the "difficulty" won't be a problem to You. It's fun when You like it. Infinity.

This thread might help You:

Watch this to the end. What the actual fuck? It doesn't get any more obvious than this. They must have known what's up, at least to some degree.

1) Reality wasn't created at some point in the past, Reality IS 2) What does the spiral have to do with this 3) Why did God create theism?

Lol, then You're not taking advice from at least 99,999% of people. Sorry, but once again I call bs on your conviction that "you" "achieved" "true happiness". If You think You are free, You cannot escape your cell, as they say. Don't let that discourage You. It's great that You're doing well, introducing all these habits into your life and breaking "bad" ones Good job, keep it up and stay strong.

Lately I've come to the conclusion that the best way to learn from Leo's work is to contemplate the topic of the video first, and only then watch the video. I decided to do this with the conservatism video. I've postponed watching it until I ponder it for myself. And so I did today. Look what new functionality they added to Obsidian! You can now create canvases like this, I fucking LOVE it! Best surprise I've gotten this month. Here are the results of my ~1-2 hour long contemplation session. (Click on the image to see the text better) Conservatism is a beautiful force. I tried to be unbiased in my thinking. When I say that conservatism is self-bias/selfishness/fear and all that stuff, I'm not being judgemental. These forces are necessary for life and they're not "bad". Very often it's worth closing off from the environment and taking care of ourselves - to reconnect with our core, to remember what we are about, to preserve our existence, etc. One of my favourite insights here is that when we are conservative, we are conservative in our favour. It's simple but striking! We don't conserve the other group when in danger, we conserve ours! WE have to persevere first and foremost! That's why I say conservatism is self-bias and selfishness. Again, it's not bad! It is what it is. Well, now it's time to watch the video I'm excited to hear what Leo has come up with that I haven't.

Wow. I think I finally cracked the code! Living on edge leads to appearance of difficulty/suffering Difficulty/suffering encourages confrontation/bringing to consciousness Confrontation leads to relief/peace/easyness Relief encourages living on edge God damn. Maybe I should make a separate post about this. I've been feeling really shitty in the last 5 days. I got too stuck on some difficult stuff to process. I distracted myself a lot and didn't really confront what I needed to face head on for a while but now that I did, I feel very relieved. It's like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Now once again I have the courage to live more openly, face new difficult emotions that might appear and overcome them with the light of consciousness! What I needed to confront this time was an immense wave of shame. It's funny, I didn't even realize up 'til now that it was shame. When I called it by its name, everything got easier. I contemplated what is shame. I observed how it manifests in my experience and brought to mind what I feel shame about (it's a long list). I can give You some of the fruits from this contemplation session. Shame is always "because of" "others". If there was no one "else" in your experience, You wouldn't feel shame. Shame is social. Shame concerns aspects of reality that I consider "me" and "mine" Shame is unacceptance/resistance to reality Shame is rooted in fear Shame is rooted in the illusion of other (and self (illusion of other = illusion of self = division)) Shame is fear of being judged (?) Shame is aversion towards accepting something as "me" I noticed how when I was in deep shame, I was completely fixated on myself, totally self-absorbed. It was absurd, delusionary even. I was so self-critical that my perception was literally distorted. There is very big overlap between fear and shame. Or maybe even it's a subset of fear. But making the distinction is still useful I think. Also I recommend You read up on the difference between shame and guilt. The wikipedia article on shame is great I think. It's nice to feel relieved. Maybe the key to life is to embrace this cycle I mentioned at the start? I mean, I could have ended my suffering sooner if I confronted this shame faster. I also could have stayed in it for months without confronting it. Hmm. This gives me hope. Maybe being in these low states is not actually hopeless. I just have to muster up the courage to bring to consciousness that which I'm resisting at the moment. Then I can "escape" and be in peace again! Also what's motivating is that it's not like I'm going back to where I started with each cycle. It's like an upwards spiral. The more I go through the cycle, the more mature, wise and conscious I am. Hell, it's cool that I have this challenge in my life!

I'm disgusted by this post. By the energy (or whatever) I wrote it with, that is. Where is this shit coming from? I'm disgusted that I can fall into states like this. Someday I might really fuck things up if I'm not careful. I am literally this image. I think I love feeling like a victim. Actually I probably enjoy suffering. And this wallowing in self-pity. Motherfucker! FEAR IS NOT GOING TO CONTROL ME!!!!!!!! I forgot yet again, ffs. And I've distracted myself with content. Well, I now have to bring myself back somehow. Not that I have any control but You know. We'll see how it goes. Also, speaking of disgusting posts, I've been thinking about what I wrote in the past: What a load of horseshit. Why do I write shit like this? But more importantly, how can I let myself fall so low? I remember the state I wrote that post in. I think I really need to put up some right fight and stand up for myself. I can't just let thoughts and fears fuck me like a whore every day. Note: I realize disgust isn't the healthiest of emotions but You know. I'm exploring.

Here we go again. Today I was scrolling through Instagram and I saw a meme about God promoting someone to "veteran difficulty". The guy was saying "it doesn't have to be like this..." and God replying "yeah, it does". The meme was based on a scene from Breaking Bad. Anyways, I scrolled through the comments and saw these replies. Many other people wrote comments of this sort too. Haha, it's just some normie speaking, right? He doesn't know what's up. But am I not the same as this man? When shit hits the fan and I fall into a "bad state", I start to curse God and think evil of Him. It's like... once again I am falling into a state of hopelessness. I can't focus. I am literally overwhelmed by fear. Previously I could overcome it but now I just can't even if I try. I can't escape even though I'm trying! FUCK! I must contemplate or meditate or whatever I don't fucking know what but I can't go through this again. God damn it... I'm so weak. It's hard to have hope in states like this.

Contemplate it for yourself. Then maybe You'll actually understand and thus actually stop. idea: sit with a notebook for 1 hour minimum and ask what is gossip? Why do I gossip, what compels me? What do I gain from it? etc. Your answers are 100x more valuable than others'.

When bad things happen, I know you want to believe they are a joke. But sometimes, life is scary, and dark. That is why we must find the light. (BMO) You don't understand! If you were me you'd do the things I've done. (Ice King) Such is the cruel physics of love: that those who crave it most repel it. Adventure Time makes me so emotional... :'( God dammit... .... Everything is just so difficult sometimes.

Am I doing that? Personal growth is certainly useful. I didn't say don't go get laid. By all means, go for whatever You need. But also about this personal growth leading to less suffering... Well, I don't know. I'd say it's like an infinite game of whack-a-mole. You solve one of your "problems", then another one is born. It's not solving the root cause because the hunger for more is infinite - so is this really less suffering in the long-term? The game is "won" by letting it go, and that's one way of looking at spiritual growth. Anyways, I still don't know how this relates to my responses. Either You missed my point or yours is flying over my head. Basically what I said was for the guy not to be naive and get attached to this temporary surge of joy and think this is it. Because it’s gonna fade. And remembering that there is the possibility of true Heaven.

I don't see how this is a response to what I wrote. Perhaps we're coming from different places and thus misunderstanding each other.

I beg to differ. Again, I'd say that mind has an infinite capacity to forget AND remember. Also, old habits of the mind die hard. One day You realize You've never been a loser and that life is perfect. The next day You forget and in your powerlessness question whether it's even worth living. And then it's all joy again. It's a matter of state. But of course real growth IS possible. You CAN in the long-term transcend limiting beliefs, ground yourself in more conscious states, learn to not be fooled by thoughts and fears, etc. It's just not as easy as "now I'm feeling on top of the world so this must mean I have reached the end!" Also, when I said this will pass, I referred to the burst of joy. Obviously each experience "stays" with You to some extent. At least that's all what I think. I'm only speaking from my experience and beliefs.

It's a matter of what friends You have. Good friends tell each other the truth and not keep each other in delusions. If a naive man is told by another fellow man a harsh truth and he reacts negatively and rejects it pettily, he is not only naive but also weak. A quote from David Deida's book: Notice I told him that he's gonna make it and that even greater things are awaiting him. Is that not great news?

I don't think You realize how many of these "top valuable contributors" have been banned here already. Bro what The audacity.

And I give You a choice: Come with Me to the End and the Beginning Or struggle here awhile like a beautiful autumn leaf.

Finn... Do You remember? I love this clip. So far I'm still going strong. But I had a vision yesterday... 1) The Night is coming. I will be brought to my knees. I'm going to have to persevere and let God guide me, otherwise... I don't know what will happen. 2) For the past 3 weeks I've been overcoming so much fear it's incredible. Journaling every other day, spending much time in deep contemplation and observation. Deconstructing my illusions and fears, seeing them for what they are. That's all good. I've never lived like this before. But I realized there is the ultimate fear still awaiting me: the fear of death. It's what KO'ed me at the end of July and put me in a dark state for about 4 months. And now I'm going to have to revisit it... ... Man... Yesterday during deep contemplation I cried and begged for God to free me from myself. To free me from this utter stupidity, this falsehood, this complete idiocy. I don't know shit, I'm a complete egotist and devil and so I begged God to take me over and do His Will through me. And in His Love He responded. Your wish will be granted. I love You. Get up and live. This gave me some hope. Just to be clear. I've said this before and I'll say it again. I don't know if this is really God talking to me or if I'm fucking deluded and sneakily placing thoughts in a way that it feels like someone is speaking through me. But it doesn't fucking matter. I'm going to completely obliterate myself 'til there's nothing left of me. I'm going to deconstruct fucking EVERYTHING. Every illusion, every fear. I'm going to observe myself 'til my god damn fucking death. Thoughts can't control me. Fear can't control me. I WANT THE TRUTH! I WANT TO GIVE THIS IDIOCY UP! And I'm gonna do whatever it takes. * * * * * * * * * * * * Btw, I'll say I really like this journal. It feels like an authentic expression of me... I'm proud of it, even. Yes, I'm gonna let some egotism slide in. Fuck You.

I'm surprised this thisintegrated guy is even still here.

I think that if one wants to lower their IQ and work ethic, they will find a way. Other social media platforms such as Instagram or Youtube have already implemented their response to the Tik Tok format anyway -- reels, YT shorts, etc.. Same thing, basically. I don't know what the answer is. Personally I would like Tik Tok to be banned but who am I to say what others can and cannot do.