Sincerity

My progression with LSD was very slow, I was really careful with it. 45 --> 80 --> 125 --> 180 --> 220 --> 275 --> 300 Until I took 275 my trips were rather disappointing. And so ~300 is my standard now. It's a good but manageable trip. I don't really have to go for more, although maybe someday I will to experiment. Haven't taken DMT yet. I took shrooms (2,5 g cubensis) once. The dose was too low for me but the experience was still cool I guess. Everyone's bodies handle substances differently. ?‍♂️

I usually go for around 300 to have a powerful but "manageable" trip. This time it was 315 to be exact.

Don't mind the teasing Obviously You were being nice. I've been transparent about it from the start. ?️?️ I am your roommate. It's okay, I don't mind the comment. Within, outside... Is there a difference. Although later I did go more "inwards" and it was so profound I can't describe it.

Too? ? My mod instinct kicked in lol. At least You're transparent. Thanks! I can say I understand much better now what existence is. But of course I couldn't convey it. It's amazing, it's infinite, it's God. You know your input is most welcome! I'm sorry You feel like this nowadays. You can join our "take one picture of myself every day" challenge too if You want! Thank You! A big smile appeared on my face when I read this. I am absolutely certain that in spite of all You say You are really pretty. I mean it, You deserve to appreciate yourself much more. Cheers! Your post is radiating amazing positive energy. Thank You for the kind words.

Aw thanks. Actually in the last weeks I was feeling terrible and neglected my appearance quite a lot. I should have gone to the barber weeks ago. I stopped taking care of my skin, indulged in fast food... at first I was scared of sharing (another) video of me here. I'm still tense about it a degree. But it's just another thing to work through... Yeah I might look a bit like a girl due to my baby face or whatevs. I know that. Good luck with integrating your jerk side haha. I on the other hand am practicing being more open and vulnerable. ❤️ * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Here's a fun fact. About 9 months ago I encountered "death" and I recoiled in fear and attachment to my sister. It really shook me to my core and the next 9 months were often very difficult for me. Sometimes I was randomly bursting into tears thinking about that moment. And now I encountered the same feeling. I was lying on the floor, the fear arose in me again and I felt like I was going to die. But suddenly I remembered Leo's words that "Death is not real". I literally recalled a forum post with him saying it, with his profile picture on the left and all. I paused for a second and then I gave in and that's how I was able to reach Pure Being, see the Godhead and realize other impossible stuff. This happened some time after I recorded the video. What's inspiring to me is that I faced the same situation again and after a lot of growth I was able to respond differently, overcome fear / attachment and let go. It's CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT and I'm really proud of myself to be honest. I'm thankful that I'm making progress and it just helps me have more faith in myself. If You're reading this - thank You Leo.

Heyy, that's something to work on! You're beautiful. How about a 30 day "take one picture of myself every day" challenge? Of course You can keep them to yourself. Not very nice, eh? I'm getting a haircut this week.

Thank You!!!! YES HAHAHAHA. Good eye, I definitely used my cat for grounding.

...Okay? We can agree to disagree then.

I'm not sure what You mean. I'd say with certainty that awakening is a state. Or rather a change of state.

I couldn't agree more! That's a big reason why I decided to make this post. I want to encourage people to share videos of their awakenings. This needs to be popularized more. Integrating spirituality into every day life is what I care about most. I see that I'm making progress month by month and it makes me happy. But the most profound states I experienced during this trip are impossible to live from consistently I think. They couldn't be my baseline because I just wouldn't be able to function properly! It took me over a day to readjust to simple daily functioning from this trip. I had to put effort into that. Still, my goal in spirituality and life in general is graceful living - that's what I'm primarily about from a higher perspective. I experienced profound effortlessness and high consciousness as part of daily experience 3 month ago and I really care about living from that place more. I want to know I'm God consistently. I want to BE LOVE. I want to BE GOODNESS. I want to BE SINCERITY. That's what I am aiming for. Thanks for the kind words Thank You! Yup!

Check out My new post if You want. Soon I'm going to use My magic Mod / God powers to clean up this journal. Enough of the negative shit. I have let My petty little mind dominate this space and I won't be agreeing to that no more. I want to lead Myself with a stronger hand. I feel like I've been too lenient with My mind. And it sure has exploited that. Fuck that shit. I'm going to be more strict with Me, but ALSO strive to be more loving, wise, respectful and listening to Myself. I've been lacking that too. Hey, it's about striking the right balance. I have faith that I'm going to make it. I believe in Myself.

Quick update. I've reached my absolute lows lately. States of utter hopelessness so insufferable I felt like I was going to die. A collapsing on itself. Never cried more than that one day... "Nothing for me but darkness, death and oblivion." Now I mostly feel hollow. Not really feel bad or good, mainly empty. Even when I experience emotions they feel shallow. Right now I'm in some distress. I want to let it out but I'm having trouble. When I do eventually, I'm going to break into tears. Who knows why? I just feel overwhelmed for some reason. I've had some nice moments and glimpses too. Like little rays of light shining through thick dark clouds. I had a job for a month in a coffee shop because I wanted to try it. I liked some things there and the experience was cool but this week I resigned for multiple reasons. There are lessons to learn here. And tomorrow I'm taking acid for the first time in 9 months. I'll see what comes of it. It all just feels so weird... This fucking experience man. I feel so lost.

Don't give up on her so soon, show that You're committed

Why? I thought that's quite a good point.

This thread lol.

They're just humans. And so are You. Notice why You feel angry at them. You are hurt. You "gave" them something and expected something in return (classic human moment). But they don't owe You anything. The way they operate is VERY similar to yours and mine. You are not above them just because You had glimpses.

Happy birthday Leo!! ??? All the best & thank You for your work.

I'd say don't quit after just 1 week. Wait at least a month to get a better feel for this job. Maybe it'll grow on You. Don't get discouraged so soon. Also I'd suggest You make the effort to get clear about what You like and don't like there. You know, it'll be useful for You in the future. But You're not going to learn after merely a week.

Random things to talk about. --> I've been fighting the urge to hide some of my posts here. I don't think it'd be right. I feel like it'd be a blatant rejection of certain parts of myself. --> Lately I've been crying almost every day, sometimes more than once. Usually out of sadness, arising for many reasons. --> I can't let go of my sister. She's my single biggest attachment to the world. The thought of leaving her or her leaving me feels so devastating. I feel I wouldn't accept reality if something happened to her. I am afraid of her getting raped, murdered or whatever... I DON'T WANT TO BE TESTED. I am scared I would have to face this and I pray that I don't have to. Please, just don't do anything to her. And help her find peace, please... I'm trying to give her a lot of emotional support. Like just listen to her attentively, hug her, buy her a sweet she likes once in a while as a surprise. I hope that my love helps heal her from emotional baggage, helps her feel validated, all that... I want her to be mentally healthy, satisfied in life. I love her the most in the world. Is it too much to ask for her to live til we're both old pricks? --> I've been under a lot of stress lately. And I've been working on resolving it. --> Sometimes I get glimples. Yesterday I got a glimpse of that sweet effortlessness, peace and joy I experienced almost 3 months ago. Oh how great it was... How great it would be if I could live from that place. Maybe in the future - who knows? --> Today I had a terrible day. After I returned from my classes (angry, jealous, tired) I slept for 3 hours in the afternoon. God, I don't even want to elaborate what I did next because I'm ashamed of talking about it. Well, I went for a walk and at the end I ordered at fucking McDonalds, while numbing myself with BB/BCS clips. It's really becoming a contest of how low I can fall. I'm distracting myself so much. And who the fuck knows why? Every time I stop the distraction and I make the effort to accept, I feel good for a short while but then some even more difficult feeling comes up and I'm on my knees again. Well, maybe that's what needs to happen to evolve. It's like a peeling of layers or whatever? Jung's quote has been dwelling in my mind lately: “No tree can grow to Heaven unless it’s roots reach down to Hell.” Maybe I need to go through all this suffering to sometime at last experience the deep peace again. --> I have close to 0 motivation to do "serious spiritual work". No meditation, no nothing. I'm tired enough from crying, from feeling when I let myself feel, from all the thoughts, stress and occasional contemplative coffees. --> I have almost 0 motivation to do my college work. It's 3 AM and I'm tired. I'll go and distract myself some more before sleep. At least I'm not feeling hopeless. It's like the worst shit in the world.

Once, while talking to my intuition, I had a vision of how I died in the previous life. I hanged myself. In a small, dimly lit room. Could have been in the evening. I think there was no electricity. I suffered a lot and I couldn't take it no more. I remember this feeling of hopelessness. Now, I have no way of knowing whether this vision was "real". I don't even think there is a linear string of incarnations. Fuck, I don't even think there are other incarnations at all, past or future! After all I was shown that this is all a Dream, THIS is all that is! And yet this vision has made a big influence on me, true or not. It helps me remember to not repeat my mistakes. It inspires me to break the cycle. I've done that already... so what if I tried pulling through this time? I can suffer through it all... This time I can do it, despite the challenge. I feel a stain of regret on me. I feel that's sort of the motivation here...

Bro, there is no "deep love" after merely a month of dating. But go with what your heart wants. If You burn yourself a bit at least You'll gain more wisdom for the future, right?

Everything dies in God.

Yeah exactly.

You can be in love with certain virtues (like goodness, truth, purity, etc.) and then vow to embody them in your life on a daily basis. When You're grounded in something higher, bravery becomes more effortless.