Sincerity

General note: this forum does not allow for homophobia and all such comments will be met with warning points.

Who are they to you?

I want to provide some more value to this community before I inevitably leave. I was thinking about what threads I could create. What do I say that others would get value from? So pointless. The harder I try, the less I succeed. I figured the best contribution I can make is simply share my experience. Someone who relates should find my words valuable. I don't need to make threads explaining my techniques, insights or any of that shit. Who gives a fuck? People relate to stories, not words of convincing. I am in unprecedented territory. After my suicide "attempt" (nothing would happen anyway, it was failed from the start, I was just being dramatic) I repressed the memory. But I knew I had to tell my closest one since otherwise I was emotionally blocked from her. And so after 2 weeks I told my girlfriend. ... A lot of crying. Anger. No faith. The most humiliating day of my life. I seriously didn't know how to continue living. I felt like I destroyed everything. But we're getting through it. I have the greatest girlfriend in the world. My literal hot witch girlfriend. My dream come true. I love her so much. I'm becoming a real man with her by my side. Anyways we're moving out together in less than a month. I got us an awesome fucking flat for rent in a beautiful location. I'm really happy about that. So much is happening. Almost too much. But right now I feel quite well. Today I watched my live awakening video that I posted to the forum in May last year. Gosh, this was only a year ago...? I was so different. That's not me on that video. I wonder what would happen if I took LSD now. I don't know why... I run away.

That’s biased. I’m sure you can see the appeal of an iphone. Not everyone needs high customizability and the like. Many linux users would probably say they view Windows users as children. Never owned a mac and I don’t think I will. Many other great & slick laptops to choose from. No, Poland. AND I’m in IT. So as a (current) iphone user I’m the anomaly. I very much respect the movement of right to repair, high internet security and privacy, open source software, high customizability etc.. I think it’s great but I won’t obsess about it.

It’s a matter of preference then. To me the 3 vertical cameras look ugly and weird. Literally alien phone. But I’m biased of course. I spoke with my sister last week and she told me that a man having a non-apple phone turns her off. She said it gives her an „unclean vibe”. I laughed and told her this is shallow but then I thought there’s actually something to it. I notice that young people (up to 30) with non-apple phones are quite often somehow weird. Like not properly socially calibrated. I dunno. Just my observation.

Fanboy is a stretch but still I've been an iphone user for ~6 years but I think if I had to buy a new phone in the future it wouldn't be from Apple. Why do other phones look so damn ugly though? They don't have that "fresh" vibe.

I have been exposed as an iphone user 😵

I don’t know how to be happy. I’m lost and confused. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know the way out. I crumble under the most basic question. Everything stems from this. I have a hole in my chest. I’m too distracted to look. I only see as far as 2 meters, then there’s only darkness. I am alone in a foreign land. I cry out of powerlessness. There is no help. Daggers are stabbing me. My physical body shivers. I disregard the attacks. It’s too painful to confront. To have everything at my fingertips and yet to get nothing of that. The truth is I prefer the cage. At least I get to have my way.

A „person” doesn’t really die if they die thinking the world will go on without them. Because they don’t confront the fear of losing EVERYTHING. The death of EVERYTHING. And so the fear/attachment lingers on. Unconscious, but there. Reality is a mirror of the invisible „inner”. Practically it’s only the „inner” that matters. If the inner isn’t confronted, it lingers on. And a pattern repeats itself in reality. What is the best possible way you can imagine for reality’s structure/mechanics to be? What is the best way you can imagine life is (at all times)? So example from me: nothing matters, it’s just a playground for me as God, I am unconditionally loved. A „structure” of existence itself. It’s infinitely better than that. But also it’s not that and nothing else at all. There’s no rock bottom structure whatsoever, any structure is imagined into perception. But yet THAT structure is then what is the case. But also there IS higher structure/understanding. What is the WORST way you can imagine life is? Heaven/hell really is perception. Not that I understand that because I don’t.

12 Angry Men is definitely in my top 5 movies of all time. It's a classic. If you haven't watched it, I really recommend you do. I have a hunch you'd like it if you like watching Leo.

When you install the Brave browser on your phone 1) you don't get ads on Youtube 2) you can add videos to Brave Playlist which you can listen to when the phone is locked down and 3) you can download the videos in Brave Playlist for offline use. I recommend the Brave browser. Of course the Youtube experience on the app is better, but on the other hand you might want to downgrade your experience a bit so that it's not that addictive. If you're more selective with the videos you watch (actually look up a video you want to watch in a given moment) then using web browser Youtube is totally sufficient imo. And it's free.

No, it’s just a review site. Like IMDB.

Innocent meme IMO. I think if it’s just joking around being gay yourself then that’s fine. But if it’s laughing at gay people then mostly it’s not. If someone asked me that question in a mall I would start running away as fast as I can. Even though I’m not gay. You gotta have some humour. Standing still is funny too though.

Letterboxd will usually recommend you the best of the best. Go there if you want good movie recommendations or reviews of recent films. https://letterboxd.com/dave/list/official-top-250-narrative-feature-films/ It’s much better than IMDB, Rotten Tomatoes, etc.

I read all this and I still have no idea what you’re talking about. There’s no reason why you’d be banned from the forum. Relax my dude, you’re good

I am not crazy! I know I am Infinity. I knew I was God. One who cannot be spoken. As if I could ever make such a mistake. Never. Never! I just – I just couldn't keep it. I covered my tracks, I got these thoughts and the ego state to lie to me. You think this is something? You think this is bad? This? This chicanery? I've done worse. That LSD trip! Are you telling me that a man just happens to forget like that? No! I orchestrated it! God! He's dreaming the Universe! And I saw Him! And I couldn't not have. I took the blotter into my own mouth! What was I thinking? I’ll never change. I’ll never change! Ever since uhh, forever, always the same! Couldn’t keep my state from going lower! But not Dreamy! Couldn’t be precious Dreamy! Shutting my eyes blind! And I don't get to be Awake? What a sick joke! I should’ve focused on that state more when I had the chance! …And you, you have to realize this! You

Yesterday at night I went on a suicide walk. There's a particular bridge out of multiple that I'd jump from. I walked to it for about an hour. Along the way I tried to wake up that bastard piece of shit that would break me out of that trance. But I was too weak. 🤣 I had a lot of visions along the way - I dispelled them and tried not to care. I was imagining what it'd be like to die. I was imagining what would happen. When I got to the bridge I tried to run and jump. I was imagining it vividly in my head trying to force it. I started having visions of drowning in the water, and then... I started choking. Still on the bridge, as if I was drowning. I couldn't help but vomit. The vision was so strong I was choking on land. No one was looking. I spit into the river. I left the bridge and sat for a while on the stairs leading to it. There's some people passing but they don't look. Later I call myself a taxi for a ride home. I'm so numb. I just want to laugh. I am so retarded it's comical! 🤣 How am I going to tell anyone? There's problems with me all the time. How am I going to tell her? To be a failure and disappointment in her eyes even more! 😂 Only I could do that. That's me folks! Only I could ruin my life so hard 😁

If I intentionally throw my phone out of a 4-floor balcony does that make me sort of crazy no matter what my reasoning is? You could do it due to being completely delusional, a mental breakdown or something like that. That’s obviously crazy behaviour. Though also you could do it entirely consciously for some kind of spiritual reason or whatnot. But isn’t that „crazy behaviour” too though? (Almost) no one is going to understand you. What’s the connection between „crazy behaviour” and awareness of it/intentionality? Also „crazy” is entirely social. I’m not sure if this is comprehensible. Yes I sometimes get the urge to do it lol.

My heart is constantly being overrun by pain, hatred and numbness. I’m acting out at times. It’s unnerving. I’m blocked. I can’t see a way out. It’s the same things again and again. I no longer really have suicidal thoughts. I’m feeling like shit but not enough for motivation to arise to make some meaningful change, which is even worse? And I’m tired of expressing the difficult feelings. Like there’s not much point in expressing them, writing them out or whatever. Fuck. In this journal I was once expressing the immense hatred coming out of me. Now it feels bland and stupid. The fucking drama man. And how can I lie to myself - I’m the only one to blame. Who else would I be angry towards? I’m just tired of myself. I hate myself. I can’t make things right because I don’t have it in me. I’m a slave of my own making. A failure. There’s many good things in my life which I appreciate. There’s just one rotten thing at the center of it all. I hate it. I run my nails into my chest. I fantasize about stabbing myself. And I can’t be a man for my partner in this state. I’m pitiful. There’s constantly something wrong. I’m constantly tired. I don’t want to make excuses. Why can’t I just be alright? Why can’t I change? I’m so full of shit. If I really wanted to change I would. I fantasize about it but deep down I like the misery. I like fighting all the time. I like the thrill. I’m a child doing anything to distract themselves from reality. A fuck-up. This is all so stupid. I love my partner and I’m mostly able to change for her with focus. But I can’t do that for myself. There’s no love for this filthy piece of trash here. I don’t care. I want to suffer. Fuck everything! If I could be something else, I would.

Haha Yeah. (Genuine) hatred is love in a shadow form. The energy can be reverted back to love if wanted. Disgust is probably a better word than hate here. I'm disgusted by these idiotic discussions. Regarding genuine hate though it does come to surface for me a lot lately. And I do indeed revert it to love with focus. It's not towards other people though, it's mostly towards myself or sometimes my romantic partner. My current theory is that new "waves" of love first appear in the mind as hate which is can be processed. It's a process of growth in love.

That Artem guy? Lol. I also had the (dis)pleasure of communicating with him after he started self-promoting (sharing his links to literally everything) the first day he became active on the forum. He was so egoic and unpleasant it was laughable. "Spiritual" fucking people man.

Reminds me of this video I watched months ago:

Baby, it's YOU! You're the one I love You're the one I need You're the only one I see Come on, baby, it's YOU You're the one that gives your all You're the one I can always call When I need to make everything STOP Finally, you put my LOVE on top Ooh, come on, baby You put my LOVE on top, top, top, top, top...

I’m so sorry dude. I tried to imagine what’s it like to be in your situation. I would really not want that… Stay strong. But also let yourself be weak. If that matters to you I sent you a loving intention.

Here’s a simple overview of the EU parties for those interested. The channel is great overall I think. I voted for Renew Europe because I aligned with their programme the most. It’s a shame they didn’t do well in the election.