I took out that beautiful powder and proceeded to snort it. While I was cleaning the set before laying down in bed, I start noticing a bit of stiffness in my body, not as fluid as normal. Also, as I have not much experience with ketamine, I was a bit fearful about the dosage, yet surrendering and going with the flow. I lie in my bed and put the diamond sutra. I feel a strong coming up of ketamine with a bit of anxiety and mind thought did I take too much? Will I be able to handle it? Am I going to lose my shit in this trip? However, this is one of the few hindrances I have during my trips, I generally do not feel good in the coming up. So, I realized nothing could be done at that moment, you just relax and let it be without carrying on with the thought current of fear. All the body starts feeling more relaxed, almost numb, not in an uncomfortable way but also not in a pleasurable way, it was the way it was, and probably this pointer is very much the flavor of ketamine I got, anyway, let's carry on. At that moment, my cat enters my room, she knows I was tripping and went to say hello, I was a bit unsettled by her company when she moved but once she started sleeping me with it was great, if you trip with animals you know.
I start feeling more spacious, like I have an inch more of sight before my eyes, like I was seeing from inside my skull. For a moment, to come up was strong and I started getting a bit of this feeling of no directions. These are all mental constructs, up and down, left and right, this caused me a bit of nausea. However, I felt nausea was a mental construct too, which then disappeared when I realized it. Once that happened, strangely I was again feeling orientation in my body just that I was aware of the space inside my body, not full 3d scan but an inch inside all my body and my legs were very relaxed.
Now the insights, I realized the fact that I was grabbing things, better said, that all I thought as real or anchors of my reality were only so because I was grabbing them tight. For example, the fear in the beginning, or even my own mind, my mind existed only because I was grabbing it tight. Then, I became aware of the "I" in me which was strongly caught, like a knot plus pressure. I couldn't stop grabbing it, yet I became aware that if I stopped grabbing it, "I" would disappear, which from my state of consciousness now is understandable, but in that state of consciousness it hits you real hard. Put yourself in a higher state of consciousness, be intense with me now, the mind that is reading this words exists because you are holding it, mind has no life of its own. The "I" you are experiencing now is being grabbed so strongly and tight by nothingness. At that moment, I could not get a no-self experience at all because of the immense conglomerate and solidity of this "I", but I understood that it is my own making and that it has not me, but I have it.
The message of the trip is letting go of everything. Come with me as you read, don't merely read, go behind my words, to what I'm pointing: This reality is what you think it is because you have so-called anchors. Whatever you believe this reality to be, consciousness, your own Self, love, memories you bring to the present, past experiences, mental constructs, feelings, body sensations... All that, you are grabbing. I thought that by grabbing to my past enlightenment experiences I was being more awake, yet it is clear for me now that it's not the case. I want to grab enlightenment, that is the problem. It is the grabbing, therefore let go. It is the grabbing of enlightenment the obstacle to enlightenment, therefore let go. It is the grabbing of yourself, of "I", therefore let go. I felt like an endless flower opening and opening, letting go and letting go. And the diamond sutra was pointing at the same all the time, let go of everything and then let go of nothingness. It was all the time the same, probably the essence of Buddhist teachings, to let go of everything even of letting go, being utterly free. Even the senses in some way you are holding, it is crazy in a normal state of consciousness to say that or to do it, but despite that, it was my experience, everything is being grabbed to give a sense of reality of existence, like nothingness solidifying into somethingness and being able to be aware of that process and letting go of all that, even of nothingness and nirvana, letting go of everything even of the "I", even of enlightenment, even of God; and then there is true God beyond your making, you do not need to make truth or hold God, it is always already the case, just be empty-handed, empty of emptiness, what is there that cannot be taken out or irreducible essence. That freedom of all that you thought real, to find what it needed no effort or absence of effort, the ever present groundless ground, you do not fall and get hurt, there is no end, the falling is eternal.
The trip felt very short but the intuitions and insights were valid for me, specially the Buddhist ones. I had never explored this area of consciousness. I do not know much about Buddhism, a bit of zen but really not much. However, they are very legit experiences, I mean they are not that dry as one could think. They are really profound, getting deleted into nothingness and then deleting that nothingness, wow. I now agree with Leo when he said that you could go down to cessation or up to infinity. It felt a bit strange for me as it sounds too linear, the end points should touch as a circle, literally has been the case always in my previous explorations, maybe if I go deep enough it eventually does but Leo doesn't agree in this point. It is true that Buddhist that go all the way down don't seem to realize infinity or God, which is a strong point, yet there is something in me that keeps telling me that it must be circular and endpoints should merge. Anyway, I will definitely explore more this letting go or surrendering. This ketamine experience opened myself up to the fact that I can let "everything and nothing" go, when you do so, something beyond words is there.
If you read it all thank you very much, hope you got new insights. Also be careful, one thing is to read, another to experience, states of consciousness are everything, you want to get to that state where it really hits you.
