Dear Fiona

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  1. @Indianonymous You might like what Leo says in this video, at 1 hour 28 mins. This is where I'm at, after waking up almost two years ago, and doing a lot of dropping ego attachments and identities work since then. It's felt like a Tsunami at times. I now need to find a "life purpose" It sounds like you are a naturally selfless person. But it has left you unsatisfied. Probably because you were coming from conditioning, and lack. A "should" When you come from a place of love, it's a totally different paradigm. Coming from a place of fullness. You will probably come full circle with it. And the selflessness, once liberated from "self" will have a totally different flavour. It will feel like freedom, and surrender, to flow, and aliveness.
  2. @Indianonymous It's impossible to "love yourself" and equally, it's also impossible to "not love yourself" Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. Rumi. Trying to "get" love is as ridiculous as trying to catch air. Equally, we can't escape love either. That would also be as ridiculous as trying to escape air. Love will hunt you down, and annihilate you, till you see the truth of who you are.
  3. @Indianonymous You can't "love" yourself. Equally though, You can't "not love" yourself. The love doesn't belong to you, so trying to get love, is as silly as attempting to catch air. The air is abundant, never runs out, yet you can't take ownership of it either. It sounds to me like you are probably quite a selfless person naturally. But you have centred this around "you" and probably attempted to derive some kind of significance, meaning, purpose from it. And failed. It was always to doomed to failure. It sounds like you really do need to pursue waking up to the dream/illusion. Realising the reality of who you are. You'll probably then come full circle with everything you have achieved so far. You will come back to it, from a fresh perspective, that is not attempting to fill you up in some way. I love what Leo says in this video, at about 1 hour 28 mins. About life purpose. This is where I'm at now. After waking up. It can be difficult to navigate too.
  4. @r0ckyreed Oh. Ok. I "woke up" about two years ago. Saw through the illusion. It was spontaneous. I was never looking for "enlightenment" ( I've never meditated in my life) so I was very disoriented. But yeah. Even I still don't know what "woke up" means to be honest. I just picked that word up, cos "enlightened" sounds really ridiculous. It's not real. It's not personal. I do really love that. I really do.
  5. @Federico del pueblo This whole thread is utterly beautiful. Mate, this is such a huge opportunity for you to go deeper, and get what you're really looking for, which is NOT other people's good opinion of you. Humiliation is linked to shame, which, as opposed to guilt, which is feeling bad about actions we have done, shame and humiliation are feeling bad about our identity, things inherent to us, things we cannot change. EG, skin colour, gender, body type, illness. etc. In my own direct experience, embracing shame lead to the most amazing experience of intimacy and connection to the ineffable/divine/God, ever. I HONESTLY love shame now. Although the thing with embracing emotions, is that they then naturally drop away, so I rarely feel shame anymore. When I do, I feel it on my upper arms. But, it's an invitation, and a call to intimacy, and being vulnerable. And also a sublte message from the body, cos we are intelligently designed ! In any given situation, that emotion of shame and humiliation, is either a call to NOT share the most vulnerable parts of ourselves in that situation/with that person. And that's ok. But in another situation, it's a beautiful invitation to share the most vulnerable, fragile, innocent parts of ourselves with others, and to be loved in that. I'm so so lucky to have met my soul mate in this life time, and to know true love. It took till I was 44. After much heartbreak. We don't love each other cos we are wonderful, amazing, perfect. We love each other warts and all. he has seen me at my worst, and still loves me. That's why this thread is so beautiful. You made a first step into this here. You shared your vulnerability. And I didn't see a wink of "victimhood" Just honesty. I'm a woman. It's sexy. Trust me. So embrace it ! Oh. And by the way. I totally re-invented myself at age 40, after horrific divorce. I also feel like I'm re-inventing myself now, age 52, after waking up a couple of years ago. You have lots of things to look forward to.
  6. @r0ckyreed I don't get why you say you're not awake ? Apologies if i've misunderstood.
  7. @r0ckyreed Well yeah....see that there, you proved it yourself. God is so selfless and whole that it allows for fear/anger and selfishness. Besides, I wouldn't even narrow God down to selflessness either. Sometimes I wonder if God is the most narcissistic monster ever ? Having a right old laugh at us, and our silliness. Since I woke up, and then realised "God consciousness" a few months ago too. I am actually the most selfish I've ever been in my life, and I flippin love it. Far better, and authentic than the sickening rescuing "nice" people pleaser I was. God I was so self serving ultimately. Bluuurgh. I love being selfish, and angry.
  8. @Leo Gura Hey Leo. I'm clear we have no free will, from my own direct experience. we have ANY agency in this dream ? Is it a subjective universe ? Do we co-create ? It's doing my head in. I lived my whole life in fear. I'm 52. That's a looong time. Since waking up 2 years ago, so many things have dropped away, including fear. Thing is. Fear is actually a great motivator. Not pleasant. But it sure does make one get out of bed and hustle. I have my own business, so I still work. And I have my home, and my boyfriend etc. So it's not as if I do nothing all day. But I have become a little bit nihilistic maybe ? Like I just can't find anything to motivate me. Please please don't get "guru" on me and ask about "who" is asking ? "where" is the do-er" Aaargh. I get it. None of it's real. I know that. But if I was asking that kind of question, I'd go follow the "gurus" and they make me feel nauseous.
  9. @r0ckyreed and anger/fear is cut off from God. Not true. But not gonna argue.
  10. @Breakingthewall Yeah....beautiful beautiful. it's just a dance that I dance with myself, like a flame that moves. It is something wonderful, beautiful. Thank you so much for your reply. Words do really get in the way, but it is the best we have, especially on a forum.
  11. Here's something really profound you guys are missing: if a kid was seriously molested and abused by a pedophile, the only way that kid will be able to fully heal himself is by finally realizing that pedophilia is just love. That's what full integration will require. And so long as you're stuck on demonizing it, you will actually not allow the kid to heal. Which is sad. You are making a bad situation worse. Demonization is never truthful nor conscious. And it is antithetical to healing. Hating your abuser is going go double your hurt. So an intelligent mind would not do that to itself. Cool how love works, huh? To paraphrase a classic Gandhi quote: True love is to love them who abuse you. Just don't be so stupid as to think this means you must tolerate active abuse. I hope I don't offend Leo to quote the above, from a thread he has closed. But I just want to say that what is written here is really truthful, as far as any words can ever convey truth. From my own direct experience, this was how I finally got free of MY OWN OPPRESSIVE THOUGHTS, about incidents that were waaaaay in the past. Hating the abuser, was me, just carrying on, hurting me. Tormented, and obsessive, and really really reliving nightmares over and over. I really wish I'd had someone like Leo, to speak brutal truth to me like this. One of the people in my experience was imprisoned, and still is. He sent a message through his solicitor to ask if I'd be willing to be on his contact list. I did actually consider it. Not for long though. I don't judge him, don't hate him. I KNOW he's loved, cos love simply can't help itself but love. Love is not Hollywood romantic love. Love is merciless, and uncompromising, and brutal in its total unconditionality. When you finally meet with that kind of love, it's very scary, and confronting. Not woo-woo, or ra-ra, or comforting at all. My no, was more like, this is no net benefit to my life at all. I'm done with this. It's now quite a "boring story" for me. And if anyone crosses my path, who has ever experienced this, I won't be limiting them down to this, and giving them tea and sympathy and pity. Which is NOT the same as love and compassion and understanding. And time and patience to find their own answers. I would not want to impose my answers on them. But I'd want to be advocating for their recovery, and empowerment. Not to forever define themselves by such limited perspectives of "I'm a victim of abuse" I very rarely talk about this. Cos people immediately put me in their own "box" of perception, cos they can't get their heads around true freedom. And I just can't be bothered educating them, or dealing with them projecting their emotions onto me. I'm not saying it's easy. But it's very very very possible. And extremely liberating. It's absolutely and utterly amazing that Leo has given this message out the way he has.
  12. @playdoh I found anger to be the hardest thing to navigate. It starts to end when you translate it into ACTION/BOUNDARIES. Note......"boundaries" are NOT walls against the "apparent other" Understanding boundaries that way is a proper shit show doomed to failure. Boundaries are what you want and what you need. When you get angry, drill down, find out what you want and need and find constructive ways to fulfill those things, instead of blaming others. And another tip, is this. Even if you don't actually get what you want and need, you still get the prize of confidence in yourself, and loving yourself. It is seriously NEVER "them" no matter what your mind tells you.
  13. @Vladimir Hey. I loved reading this today. Trippy trip isn't it ? Just a heads up, and eat the fish, but spit out the bones. As in, if this lands for you, cool. If not, also cool. My waking up was bliss and no sense of separation and euphoria. Then I CRASHED big time. If this "happens" to you. Don't worry. Love brings up everything unlike itself. It's like a detox. That's all. Enjoy dude !