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Everything posted by Emrie

  1. Idk maybe we don't have to look at whole human beings with complex personalities that are always changing and judge their entire character just based on whether or not they watch porn and how many people they've slept with. Y'all are attaching so much importance to these honestly really superficial things and I don't see how they affect your relationships all that much. What matters in a relationship would be things like if you care about each other, good communication, attachment styles and love languages, and a whole bunch of other stuff too. Sexual compatibility too, of course, and I could hear an argument that someone's masturbation habits and sexual history may play a role in that, but it's a huge stretch to me between "may or may not play a role in exactly one aspect of the relationship" to "This person as a whole is a degenerate and I can't date them under any circumstances".
  2. I am SOOOO DONE WITH THIS FUCKING TEAM. I tell 'em good evening. They tell me "You're not gonna come drink with us?" I tell 'em "I don't even drink alcohol" They tell me "It's not an excuse! You can drink non-alcoholic drinks" I tell 'em "Yeah but let me have this excuse, idc". They tell me "Alright well have a bad evening since you're not gonna come drink with us" I tell 'em "Fantastic!" and then I leave. -- Issue I have with this whole interaction is that it's very clearly showing me as not wanting to engage with the team socially. I've pretty much left this team completely in my mind. Which would all be fine if I had another job lined up, but I don't. When I'll be interviewing for another job even within the company, they'll see me leave to these mysterious meetings and very likely will suspect that I want to leave the team. And that's not really ideal, I need to keep it a secret. They can't know I want to leave because that'll tarnish their opinion of me.
  3. Introduction I'm gonna start by exploring that title. I literally just came up with it on the spot but I think it captures the essence of this journal. In a way I've given my life away, and now it's high time I take it back. I look at all the failures of my life and think that, yeah, I gave my life away to these things. I gave my life away to video games, to unhealthy food, to movies, TV shows, internet browsing, alcohol, coffee. Trying to make myself liked by people who will never like me and who I don't even like, hiding my emotions from others and even myself. Getting angry at others and arguing with them but only in my head, never for real, that would be insane. Never, ever, cleaning my room and then my own apartment. Not pursuing anything creative in my life and trying to improve the world in some meaningful way, in fact now I don't even know what I should be doing that would have any kind of meaning! At some point I was just straight up depressed, and attempted suicide. So I very much almost gave my life away completely. And ... I have not healed any of the trauma I've gone through my entire life. So it's over. It's time. I need to take back my life. Some of these things I've already fixed. I've not drunk alcohol for almost a year, I've had a total of maybe five espressos that I didn't finish since early 2020, I haven't played a video game in weeks, and more broadly, when I do play, it's only for maybe a couple hours on like a Sunday afternoon. And also I haven't been depressed for like eight years. I had one experience of very deep sadness that I did consider it depression recently, whereby I was introduced to a group a friends by someone else and they barely even acknowledged me, they just said hello and turned away and talked among themselves. It broke my heart, I'm crying again writing this. I've been exercising pretty heavily for the past few months and I've been going four times a week and for a long time (typically the total workout time actually exercising, including breaks between sets and exercises ofc, is 60 minutes), so I can absolutely say the habit is implanted. Buuuut that's about it. There are a lot of things I really want to improve in my life now that I just haven't been doing. Friday: The Party So alright let's get started, let's talk about some of the recent events of my life. Let's take this weekend as an example. Friday night, there was a big work party, loads of people came. I spent some time with people of my team, with people not of my team. Some people came from another office of the company, I spent some time with them and it was great to see them and hang out with them, they're awesome people. We danced, they drank (I didn't, though they're all hella annoying about this), had an awesome time overall. Took the train home at 5am, literally did the closing. In fact I wanted to go to a night club when I arrived in my home city, but they close at 5. I think I can confidently say I have fun at parties now. Like it's not that parties were never fun to me, but that, since I wasn't fun at parties, that would both ruin other people's experience at the party, and it would make ME not have fun because I was such an unfun person. That's not really the case any more, I don't think. There are still a lot of things to improve, I didn't approach a single person there even though I definitely really could or even should have, I didn't really have a lot of conversations with people and I struggled to come up with things to say. And that's typical for me at parties but, despite all that, I had fun! And that was a huge improvement. Someone from my team this morning annoyed me though, and I need to go on a rant. He told me "You really hyped yourself up even though you didn't drink alcohol". There are SEVERAL THINGS that really piss me off about this. Number 1) He said "hyped yourself up", this is translated from French, but I think, if he meant that I was fun to be around at the party, he wouldn't have used that exact phrasing. Of course, I have very little social skills and experience, so maybe that's what he meant but I don't know. Someone else used the exact same phrase WHILE AT THE PARTY and it didn't feel like they were complimenting me, it felt more condescending to me. And honestly they can fuck right off because THEY'RE not fun at parties either, but I don't go around telling them and other people they're not fun. And, honestly, they're the people I was talking about at the beginning of this post, people who will never like me and who I don't even like. Number 2) He said "without alcohol". BITCH! I have MORE FUN without alcohol! Alcohol makes my head spin, it makes me less socially calibrated, it makes me get drunk VERY VERY VEEERY quickly, it drains my energy, it makes me hungry as hell and then I feel sick with all the alcohol and unhealthy food in my system. This substance is just HOOOORRIBLE to me on SO MANY LEVELS! And I swear the number of people who shit on me so hard for not drinking really pisses me off. These people actually believe that everyone needs to drink alcohol to have fun and even to BE FUN TO BE AROUND. They keep asking me "why don't your drink?", they tell me "life is short and you should have fun while you still can, the clock is ticking", they tell other people "you can't just let me go to a night club with Emrie alone, he doesn't drink!". It is SOOOO ANNOYING to me! Like yeah maybe I'm not too fun to be around right now but I just need to practice it, work on it, have fun with it, and alcohol has absolutely nothing to do with it. Not to mention many of these people knew me when I was drinking and have spent time with me when I was drinking and absolutely know I'm not really fun even when I do drink There are a few more points I want to talk about in regards to the party. I realize I'm spending a lot of time on the party but actually my social life is my overarching, long term, and very difficult project of my life right now. I am literally talking about turning myself into the most sociable, most fun, just generally super-social person that I can be, so that the people who knew me when I was shit (my family, as an example) can look at me and say "wow you've really changed and you have much better social skills now". The first is that I completely busted the limiting belief I have that I need friends to go out. In January of this year I moved to a big city. I got a very sweet place that's deep into the city center. I mean literally the closest night club is a 5-minute walk from my place, then there are 5 more within 5 minutes. There's an area that's all commercial (read bars, clubs, and shops) that's just right there and it's just perfect. But, I haven't been going out and socializing because ... "I don't have any friends". I was telling myself "join a club, join a sports league, go take some X and Y classes, do things that interest you and meet people similar to you, and you'll make friends that way". And of course I was not doing that either because ... well you see McDonald's and reddit are more important. This is all bullshit, the bottom line is I need to bite the bullet and talk to strangers. Risk not being fun, risk running out of things to say, risk being kind of annoying to other people, risk being rejected or not even being acknowledged by other people (see the comment above about the group of friends that made me almost depressed). This will suck, but this is necessary. And I will feel sad on some days, I will likely cry. But I need to do it, it's worth it. And in fact it's becoming more and more non-negotiable that I do it because I can't keep putting it off and making excuses, it's leaving me in quagmire, doing nothing, and realistically making me regress. The second is that this is all so fucking foreign to me. I am SO SCARED. I've never kissed anyone. The most intimate touch I've had with another human being has been a hug, and it's, you know, familial love kind of hug, not romantic love kind of hug. I'm so touch-starved that when someone puts their arm around my neck and shoulders at a party, it just feels so freaking amazing to me, it is truly some of the best moments of my life. So the thought of even just someone else's lips touching mine is freaking me out so much, I am so incredibly scared of it, I don't know how my body will react to it. Is it going to feel amazing, am I going to have a panic attack because I'll just be so fucking nervous from it, am I just going to have a huge boner from it? Like this shit is so foreign to me, it's insane! And I know that I'm not just going to kiss the first person I approach, it'll take a lot of buildup to get to that and by that time I'll probably be much more comfortable with it all but... I'm almost 27 years old and the fact that all of this is something that I have NEVER EXPERIENCED IN ANY WAY is really fucking saddening to me. In fact, even disregarding the whole touch thing, the concept of me approaching a stranger and making conversation with them scares the shit out of me. Like I just have absolutely ZERO experience, I have no clue whatsoever how it's supposed to work, what I'm supposed to say, how I'm supposed to handle myself. Obviously I know this is generally pretty common sense stuff, you know, just talk to each other in some sort of coherent fashion, riff off of each other, try and make them laugh, tell them stories and shit, just very basic typical stuff, you know. But I have no experience so I have nothing in memory to draw from, and it fucking sucks.
  4. Been radicalizing myself incredibly heavily into communism recently. Got a bunch of books. It's crazy how deep the capitalist rabbit hole goes.
  5. Today was crazy, wow. I know I know it's a coincidence but y'all God threw me a curveball today. So like, there's this restaurant near work that serves pretty decent burgers, yeah. It's a nice place, but we never go because we're always like busy and got things to do and it takes a long time we don't wanna take extended breaks. But yeah they've decided that tomorrow, we're going to eat at that restaurant. We haven't been to this restaurant for like a year but yeah, they've decided tomorrow. This would be fine and all .... except I'm in Home Office tomorrow. And I'm not in Home Office for no reason, I'm in Home Office because I have a meeting with HR to discuss changing jobs at the company and leaving the team. The meeting will be remotely, not in a meeting room. Since I'm doing it remotely, it would have been done from by desk PC and that's just unacceptable, And HONESTLY??? It's crazy, man. EXACTLY THE DAY that I'm getting things moving to leave the team, is exactly the day my team gets together to have a meal all of us together. So there you go! It's crazy symbolic that I'm very much leaving this team behind like this. EDIT: People today asked me "why are you in HO tomorrow, can you not skip it today?" I told them no I'm in HO because I want to be in HO at least once this week and it fell on Wednesday. Realistically I could have done HO any other day but, hey, they don't need to know that.
  6. @Razard86 Dude thank you so much I had no idea. Wow there are so many people I'm going to ignore right now.
  7. Didn't talk about it but yesterday was International Men's Day. Reminder that men are disproportionally affected by depression, suicide, violent crime, and prison, when compared to women (would love to see more comprehensive stats with other genders but here we are). Depression and suicide are also exacerbated by transgenderism and bisexuality. FUN FACT: I am non-binary but present as a man and was assigned male at birth, and I'm a bisexual. Meaning I AM INCREDIBLY AT RISK. ^ These horrible stats are NOT because of "feminism" and "boys can't be boys anymore". On the contrary they're because of people spewing that bull. Toxic Masculinity. This is mainly why I decided to stop identifying with the shitty male gender. I don't want to associate myself with that toxic masculinity.
  8. It's crazy how our society just doesn't really seem to care at all about mental health. Like it's just not a priority in the way we've built our society. I'm supposed to slave myself to an oppressing capitalist class that doesn't care about anyone or even anything but money. And there's just no space in that environment for me to have a mental illness. And you could say there are therapists and resources available to help me but like ... I still need money for that. So I still need a job for that. And I can't just go to my boss and say "hey boss listen I'm not doing well, here are all the things I'm doing to try and make it better, but please understand my performance might not be great and it's because of my depression". There will be no empathy or care. I have to work work work and I can't have a pesky depression come in the way of that. By the way, FUCK CAPITALISM.
  9. I don't know why but I don't really feel depressed tonight, like yeah I feel pretty normal tonight. I really don't know why because I'm not doing anything different than usual.
  10. So anyways I did none of these things. I'm depressed, leave me alone.
  11. https://apnews.com/article/colorado-decriminalizes-psychedelic-mushrooms-4feb4848005fc355eef7b54b451460be Victory! Huge step forward. It allows everyone 21 and older to grow, possess, and share them. Not allowed to sell them. Also allows to create special healing centers where they can be used under supervision.
  12. Can't wait for it to be all psychedelics everywhere in the world. Might be a while though.
  13. Oh wow that's amazing! That's so much!
  14. Not me making the lewdest comment of all time. Just a friend. A colleague asked another colleague for help, they were busy so they said they'd help later, exact phrase used was "I'm coming". So my friend (absolutely my friend, not me) said "Yeah, you are".
  15. Had a very weird "Fuck the Patriarchy" moment today. So I started taking Salsa dance classes and today we learned some couple moves. Obviously the first one is the spin, it's the easiest one. And literally what I do as the leader of the dance in this situation for the spin and raising my hand accompanying my partner's hand as they do the actual spinning, but I'm just standing there. I felt like it was a huge scam because I felt I was doing so little while asking so much to my partner, like wtf. And of course in the real world you don't the gender-neutral language I used up here but man and woman, instead. So yeah I love that I'm learning to dance in couples but also damn. Fuck the Patriarchy!
  16. I'm at such a low point in my life, it's really bad... I was on break this morning at work and I was just standing there with my colleagues. And like ... I was just standing there, I didn't want to engage in the conversation, I didn't want to talk to them or listen to them or anything I was just in my own thoughts and feelings, and they were really bad thoughts and feelings. I just felt tired and sad and like I just didn't want to be there. In the afternoon I even skipped break and just kept working because at least work felt better than break. So yeah really bad emotions and thoughts these past few weeks. Leo's blog post on weak words really rang true to me and I definitely need to implement that in my life. In any case I'm going to do several things: 1) Tomorrow I'm going to work by bike, it'll be my first time, I don't know how long it'll be, it'll be mostly flat so shouldn't be too much effort. 2) Saturday I'm gonna run 8k and I'm gonna run up and downhill. I'm gonna take it very very slowly of course but yeah. It'll be my longest run. 2) Sunday I'm gonna go on a hike, I've already planned the route, it'll be several hours and will be absolutely worth it. 3) Monday I'm gonna call a therapist's office, I just looked it up, there's one close to where I live. I hope they're good.
  17. You know sometimes I wonder, when we fix society, what humanity will think of us. Like when we have basic human fucking rights guaranteed for everyone, when we end world hunger, poverty, and homelessness. And we have healthcare and education. Basically when we finally get our shit together and stop constantly raping each other. The fact that most people never talk about neo-colonialism... People'll be all "How could you people let this bullshit go on? And why didn't you do anything about it earlier?"
  18. I'm at a stage in my life where an ideal date for me would be to seize the means of production, overthrow the patriarchy, and rise up with my fellow workers to take back what is rightfully ours.
  19. Decided to just be a full-on Communist now. Objectively better system to capitalism.
  20. If I'm honest, I've been treating someone at work differently simply because of their gender. And by differently, I mean better. Like, I shouldn't, right? I look at them differently, I'm nicer to them, I ... I just, we have a different relationship and it's only because of their gender. Gender equality should mean I treat everyone the same, no one gets special treatment only because of their gender. And yet, here I am. It's good that I'm aware of it at least, and it's something I'm going to work on. But it kinda bums me out because I thought I'd moved past that but I guess I haven't.
  21. Ho--kay so this is uhh ... this is bad, it happened twice in a week, which is really bad. You know how when someone asks you how you're doing, you're supposed to just say you're doing well? Like they don't want you to dump you negative emotions on them. Well TWICE this week I said I was doing well and they could tell I wasn't. First time it was someone who asked me if I was doing okay today and I just said "Yeah, yeah..." but with the worst possible tone ever that just screamed "no, no...". And he totally got that I wasn't doing well from that. Second time, with a completely different person on a completely different day, I answered "Yeah I'm doing well, more or less". And she answered "more or less? What do you mean?" And again she totally got that I'm not doing well. Like it's bad because, typically when I'm not doing well, I can still hide it enough when people ask me how I'm doing. But now I'm really at a point where I'm doing sooo badly that I just can't even.
  22. Okay firstly you do absolutely have autonomy over your sexual preferences. In fact you have complete autonomy over literally everything in your life. You can live your life however you want and do whatever you want. And if you do consider that someone being bisexual is a valid reason not to have a relationship with them, I'm going to respect that and will not force you to change. If you don't wanna date bisexual people just because they're bi, that's fine, I don't care, live your life and be happy. Secondly, transgenderism and bisexuality are vastly different, you're comparing apples to oranges. Someone being transgender is reflected in how they dress, their mannerisms, and even their body. Sexual preferences apply very much here. It is completely understandable that you wouldn't want to sleep with a trans person, and it doesn't necessarily make you transphobic. But bisexuality is literally just who someone is attracted to. It doesn't affect their mannerisms, it doesn't affect how they dress, it doesn't affect their body, it doesn't even affect the rest of their personality, it is literally just that they can be attracted to people of more than one gender. It does not affect you or your relationship in any tangible way. The fact that someone could build a relationship with you and get to a point where there's emotional and even sexual intimacy before they tell you they're bi without you noticing, knowing, or even suspecting it proves this to you. So if you can get to this point and you still want to break this hypothetical relationship off ... like why? Biphobia would be number one for me, but maybe it's something else. Maybe it's anxious attachment, maybe it's fear of abandonment, maybe it's just jealousy. Like I'd be curious to hear, because sexual preference cannot be it. The bisexuality isn't apparent at all in the bedroom and even in the relationship at large.
  23. To biphobic people, yeah. Then again, do you really wanna sleep with biphobes? If the answer is yeah, and I don't really blame you, trick is to sleep with them a bunch of times before telling them. That way, if they break things off, it's their fault they have to confront their biphobia, and you got laid.
  24. Like I'll be turning 27 in a few months and it just feels like I'm a good 10 years behind. I was watching this video and it was a girl talking about topics to bring up on your dates to scan for potential red flags. And like the first thing she says is "Tell me about your best friend!" ... and I don't have any friends!!!! She was saying like "if they can't keep any real good friendships and talk highly of their friends, that's a red flag". So then I started thinking like .. okay well if I want to date I gotta make friends first, I guess. But then who would want to be friends with me if I don't already have friends, they'll think I'm a shit person... which yeah I don't really have any social skills so... And then I started thinking like, if I look at my whole life, there's just a general lack of experience EVERYWHERE. I don't really know what my Life Purpose is, I can probably intuit that it's something to do with music but I just don't know, I certainly don't have any real big skills that can dramatically help people. I've only started exercising like 9 months ago and I'm still not perfect with my diet. I still have a lot of trauma I endured when I was growing up that I just haven't healed from. And I have absolutely ZERO spiritual development. And like from all this, I'm genuinely afraid that I'm never going to really be able to build a strong life because like who would want to associate with someone like me who's never had friends at 27, who tries to be cool by playing guitar when they work in IT and they're a giant nerd (you'd honestly be shocked by the number of people who discriminate against us just for working in IT), who's lack of social skills is so apparent you don't want to have a conversation with them... And before you come at me with your "I know guys in their 50's pulling girls in their 20's", take several seats, okay, I have several arguments: 1) There are different cultures around the world alright, I may shock you with this but that's a bit cringe to a lot of people around the planet, and especially where I live. 2) I don't really care about "pulling girls in their 20's" (I actually quite dislike that verb, feels very objectifying to me), I care more about emotional intimacy and cultivating loving interdependent relationships... and like those require really mature people. And honestly I think many of those mature people won't want to build said relationships with me because I'm so far behind. -- Of course yes I realize 27 is actually quite young and if I just give myself 10 years and work hard on this stuff, I'll be radically transformed and probably be more developed as a human than the average first-world human, though tbh I don't care about the average human, I care about the best humans. And of course I realize that these negative thoughts aren't helping in any way and are in fact counter-productive, they do nothing but shoot myself in the foot. But I think it's also a legitimate concern and something I absolutely ought to be aware of because I might have to deal with it in some way. Like how do you deal with someone asking you about past relationships when you've had none! So yeah anyways... I just wanted to express my feelings I don't really care about fixing the damn problem, just talking about it already helps. But anyways you may try and fix my problem or whatever.
  25. Being bi, poly, non-binary, and just generally leftist, I think I'm just a depressed communist.