simpleton

Lots of good ideas, gonna start with stabilising my sleep schedule. One time a tornado hit our house and we had to relocate to a holiday home, it was surprisingly good for my mind. Environment really makes a person.

Not eating the apple core.

Thanks, your comment means a lot to me right now.

My mother overdosed to death when I was 5. This has been a deeply ingrained imprint in my psyche. I'm now 24, NEET and shut-in for the majority of the past 8 years. I find myself wanting to follow in her footsteps. Suicide has long been a fantasy for me, it's the only imagined future I find solace and believability it. I simply do not want to work, I do not and can not exert strain on my mental and physical system. I've walked out of four jobs thus far, all of them because of a culmination of stress and future oriented dread. Before I was prescribed my adhd medication in my 20s my depression got to such a level where my skin was growing layers of dirt I could scratch off, only after my prescription did I get the kick to my system to get the 4 aforementioned jobs (all in retail). I really just feel like I'm not on the same level as other humans functionally and this is an intrinsic part of my life. Just extreme brain and psychological damage from my gestation and formative years. I realised Oneness, me as the Godhead as the Universe dreaming me on LSD and DMT last year. So I can't buy into the "after death is a nothing void forever" cop out. And even tho I've learnt a lot more forgiveness towards other people I still don't know how to relate to others when interacting with them, I've just only ever derived trauma and discomfort in my interactions with others and we never are on the same footing in regards to our values and interests and sensibilities. I'm just so not built for physical survival, every movement of my being is averse to practicality, health and prudence. I find myself wanting to extricate myself from being a leech on my aunt and uncle and just go homeless and see how I fare, it might give me the sober urgency I need to get my life in order or maybe I'll find I don't mind it, homelessness runs in the family anyway. I don't know what I'm looking for here, advice I guess. I know outsourcing responsibility on how to decide my life is counter to the ethos of this site but I'm just not that guy... The mental health system on this island has also been terrible, I was even in the psych ward for a few weeks and couldn't get seen by any psychologist because they're just too shortstaffed all around. Any therapy I've tried has been trite lifestyle advice I was already implementing at the time and there's just a preoccupation with diagnosing over investigating.

About 2 years ago I had a very physically intense experience the moment upon waking up from sleep. Before it happened I was dreaming of walking through my nan's garden whilst having a dialogue with a disembodied voice of a ig philosophical/spiritual nature but I can't recall exactly what. Upon walking up to the area just outside my bedroom window (where I was currently sleeping in awake reality) I suddenly hit upon a verbal epiphany (which I also cannot recall but I don't think it was too profound, just regurgitation of stuff I have heard from others). My dream self immediately started making wtf-is-happening-exclamations alternating with losing my breath and I keeled over and melted into the scenery. This is the moment I woke up from the dream, and my physical sense of body immediately dissipated like I had merged with the outside of it and became energy, my field of vision was also gone (but maybe my eyes were just closed), and I felt an excruciatingly overwhelming and painful sense of expanding in every direction possible as this pure energy, unbridled and extremely harsh, sharp, lightning like energy like a lightning bolt sprawling from a point into myriad nodes across space. A lot of emphasis is on the harshness of this experience, to the point it affected my audible field which sounded like what I'd imagine blasting off into space would sound like. This lasted maybe 10 seconds and then I snapped out of it lying on my bed in a sweat and hyperventilating, but also found it pretty cool. For context this happened a week after my house was caught in a tornado, strong enough to shatter our windows and create some holes in the roof but nothing more, which I was right in the middle of. So I temporarily moved to my nan's place and had my own room there, but I didn't have a bed just a mattress on the floor and it was my first time sleeping that low down to the ground.

He even brings up the universal truth that for there to be winners there has to be losers... and im that loser, and thats why im depressed