Succumbing to my mother's fate

[simpleton]

My mother overdosed to death when I was 5. This has been a deeply ingrained imprint in my psyche. I'm now 24, NEET and shut-in for the majority of the past 8 years. I find myself wanting to follow in her footsteps. Suicide has long been a fantasy for me, it's the only imagined future I find solace and believability it.

 

I simply do not want to work, I do not and can not exert strain on my mental and physical system. I've walked out of four jobs thus far, all of them because of a culmination of stress and future oriented dread. 

 

Before I was prescribed my adhd medication in my 20s my depression got to such a level where my skin was growing layers of dirt I could scratch off, only after my prescription did I get the kick to my system to get the 4 aforementioned jobs (all in retail). I really just feel like I'm not on the same level as other humans functionally and this is an intrinsic part of my life. Just extreme brain and psychological damage from my gestation and formative years. 

 

I realised Oneness, me as the Godhead as the Universe dreaming me on LSD and DMT last year. So I can't buy into the "after death is a nothing void forever" cop out. And even tho I've learnt a lot more forgiveness towards other people I still don't know how to relate to others when interacting with them, I've just only ever derived trauma and discomfort in my interactions with others and we never are on the same footing in regards to our values and interests and sensibilities. 

 

I'm just so not built for physical survival, every movement of my being is averse to practicality, health and prudence. I find myself wanting to extricate myself from being a leech on my aunt and uncle and just go homeless and see how I fare, it might give me the sober urgency I need to get my life in order or maybe I'll find I don't mind it, homelessness runs in the family anyway.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for here, advice I guess. I know outsourcing responsibility on how to decide my life is counter to the ethos of this site but I'm just not that guy... The mental health system on this island has also been terrible, I was even in the psych ward for a few weeks and couldn't get seen by any psychologist because they're just too shortstaffed all around. Any therapy I've tried has been trite lifestyle advice I was already implementing at the time and there's just a preoccupation with diagnosing over investigating.

[Elliott]

You don't have to be like others, most people are mentally ill in their own way. You're not a leech to your family, it takes very little to support another person to just live. I suggest focusing on anything you enjoy that is in your reach, do you enjoy the beach, the wind, the sky, nature, the stars, any activities, do you enjoy a cold glass of water, a fruit.

You're understandably traumatized by your mother's death, and this is something you'll likely need to grieve and come to peace with, but you're not able to do that right now, you need to take a break from that and be selfish for a bit. It's okay if you go into depression cycles thinking about your mom, anyone would, but try to take breaks from them. Don't worry about a job right now, focus on being selfish, when you get out of your funk take the job you like the most out of the easiest and simplest jobs you can find.

You need the help from your family and you deserve it, be nice to yourself. 

Edited 2 hours ago by Elliott